Good mates with friend's DH. Is trouble brewing??

[Fammm]

I am a single parent. I have a good friend who I met at a toddler group, let’s call her Sarah; she is married to Steve. I have known them both for over 10 years, though have only really got to know Steve well over the last 3 years or so. It turns out that Steve and I get on really well, and I would now consider him to be one of my best friends too. We can talk bollocks endlessly, have a similar sense of humour, and it’s really nice to spend time with them and be able to enjoy both person’s company. More recently Steve has been dropping in to mine for advice about stuff, he seems to really value my opinion, and he has done a couple of small jobs around my house for me, which is really kind of him since DIY isn’t my strong point!
However, I am sensing a chill in the air from Sarah. I should say that I would never ever overstep here – making a play for a someone else’s partner is a hardline no for me. And I really don’t think Steve finds me attractive, I am the polar opposite to Sarah who is very slim, glam and pretty (I am podgy, grey haired and a bit hippy-ish!!) However, Steve is undoubtedly fond of me, and vice versa.
I’m not sure how to proceed here. I want to maintain both friendships, but if Sarah is feeling a bit uneasy, perhaps I should cool my friendship with Steve? Should I just carry on as normal and see if she says something at some point? I don't want this to explode in my face in the future. What does MN think?

Yep I’m single and the polar opposite of a ‘jealous territorial wife’. I have a big friendship circle of both sexes, single and couples and I socialise with them all at various times.

However I’m very respectful of the boundaries with the couples and would not feel comfortable with any of the husbands dropping in for advice or spending time alone with them privately. It’s not jealousy, it’s respect.

Have you stopped doing stuff with Sarah by herself? She also perhaps feels she's lost you as a friend and your closeness with her husband means that she can't talk to you in the same way, have a moan or a rant. People don't always want a friend who will point out they are not being entirely fair, or where they are lucky to have their spouse. They just want some wine, a bit of a rant and to park it sometimes?
It's also possible that she did feel perfectly secure but now has someone in her ear planting suspicion.
Are you doing anything about dating/seeing other people too?

You have no idea what may have happened in the past. Maybe this bloke makes a habit of it etc- maybe he's had an affair- sometimes friends keep things like this to themselves.

@pinguins I hope your 'd'H has stepped back, or has she done the 'poor me! Sob! I've done nothing wrong, pinguin is so wrong... sob.. comfort me to reassure me' script?

People don’t generally have affairs solely because of what the other person looks like. They have affairs because of how the other person makes them feel.

I think the problem is that you know you have no romantic feelings for him but, as you can see from responses, other people don't. He might be acting in a way that means his wife feels insecure. Perhaps their relationship is going through a rough patch. Or maybe he doesn't laugh and joke with her the way he does with you.

I would say she feels insecure and possibly with good reason on his side. Either cool it with him or have a chat with her and mention that you really value her friendship but have noticed she seems different. Give her a chance to say something. I don't think you need to end the friendship with him. Can you talk to him? Say you feel that perhaps she feels left out?

Wow, there's a lot of weird women on here. Ask her about it.

Why not just speak to Sarah? Her coolness may be imagined on your part or may be down to something else. She may not be worried about any kind of affair developing but might feel that he is simply spending too much time with you at the expense of her and their family. You won't know until you ask.

Just talking to her surely?

Sarah, are you ok with Steve doing my DIY?

It may be that he is neglecting their DIY and that's what's pissing her off (and yes, I'm majorly projecting 😁).

Honestly - are you attracted to Steve as more than friends? If so, back off.
If not, carry on

This

The fact that you posted at all is clearly mentionitis but to post characterising being visited by a whole family of your female friend, her DC and her husband, or a tradesman you know and his mate for a job, as ‘Steve has been dropping into mine’ is very odd.

I had a friend and her husband would try this, I was single and knew to put in boundaries. I felt a little off about the him wanting to spend time alone/ask me advice etx so I made sure to only spend time with then together. Years later turns out he ended up doing the same with someone else, full blown affair ensued and they divorced. You know what ur doing and u know its wrong.

I agree with this
If she respected her friend enough she would put a stop to it

@gannett is the only sensible person on here. Most people IRL do not think like this, not in my experience anyway. I can’t see that you or Steve have done anything remotely inappropriate - I second the advice just to talk to Sarah and ask if everything’s OK.

@MiddleParking Let me clarify for you then....if he drops in with his children, yes I'd call it Steve dropping in. If he pops by with Sarah, I'd say Sarah and Steve dropped by. If he turns up with a builder mate I'd say Steve dropped in, with Fred...I can probably count the number of times he's come here alone on one hand. I am being as pedantic as you, here.

@Whatsgoingonwithmyhead I do not fancy him, wouldn't even if he was single, we are very different people who happen to have a similar sense of humour.

I should point out that this is the relationships board not AIBU, some of the replies here are more suited to that board!

Anyway, to set my mind at rest I will talk to Sarah and see whether there is in fact anything she is uncomfortable about.

Finally, I don't know what the 'mentionitis' reference is...can someone explain please, it's been said several times and I am none the wiser!

She's already cooled on you. Leave them both alone.

He may well have no romantic interest in you, or you him.
However, he is spending time at your doing DIY, sharing his problems with you, laughing like drains with one another.
Whatever way you look at it, his family will be seeing him less, their DIY may be getting neglected and he's sharing his problems with someone who is not his wife.

Go out with her alone and stop doing the alone bit with her husband.
He may be one of those 'rescuing' types who get off on being a hero?
Stop mentioning your DIY requirements - you're just begging for volunteers. Look up YouTube videos and do it yourself.

He's neglecting his wife and marriage no wonder she's unhappy.

Fammm · Today 09:37
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@DiamondGazette Well yes, that is why I posted, felt some chill, wondered why, now I appear to know!”

Stop with the naïveté. You knew full well before you posted.

@AmoebicSquid RTFT because you have made all that up!

Mentionitis is that he may be talking about you a lot to dw. Start seeing her more alone if you value her friendship. Or make new friends.

Why do I hear Jolene playing in the background?

Can you talk to Sarah about the “chill” ? As possibly it is unrelated, or possibly she thinks you have a crush on Steve.
I have several male friends and DH has quite a few female ones, I have also had male friends who had partners , when I was single. One couple I spent time with each of them separately sometimes, with her alone a lot, and with both of them together. They split a long time ago and surprisingly my friendship with him has been the enduring one, we are still friends decades later. So to me this sort of friendship is totally normal.

@MiddleParking Let me clarify for you then....if he drops in with his children, yes I'd call it Steve dropping in. If he pops by with Sarah, I'd say Sarah and Steve dropped by. If he turns up with a builder mate I'd say Steve dropped in, with Fred...I can probably count the number of times he's come here alone on one hand. I am being as pedantic as you, here.

It really isn’t pedantry to see ‘Steve has been dropping in to mine’ as a completely different circumstance to him accompanying other members of the household who have primary friendships with members of yours, or coming with a workmate for a work reason. If it’s the case that you’re never alone and only see each other incidentally when you or your kids are socialising with his family members then it’s really quite odd to consider him ‘one of your best friends’. Do you really, honestly think he would describe you like that to other people?Also quite telling that you go straight to the assumption when you perceive your friend cooling on you that it’s because of her husband. Then again, your story seems to change from you do see him alone to you don’t see him alone and back again - I could count without hands the number of times my friend’s DH’s have dropped in on me with no spouses or kids around. When you say you could count on one hand, is it more akin to zero times or five times?

Maybe there is some tension or a few issues in their relationship at the moment which you don't know about.
Perhaps Steve has been out of the house alot more than normal, and perhaps Sarah thinks he is helping you with stuff. Or he says he is helping you with stuff and is in fact helping someone elsewhere.
Perhaps sarah thinks Steve is acting in a way that he may have his eye on someone else.
That someone else might not be you, but as he seems lately to be helping you out a bit, she has jumped to that conclusion.

Speak to her. Ask her if everything is ok as you feel theres been a shift between you and you're not sure what you may have done.
In the mean time do not accept any help from Steve. If he rocks up with just the kids in tow, say its not convenient. Only invite him in if its the both of them, and go from there.