Good mates with friend's DH. Is trouble brewing??

[Fammm]

I am a single parent. I have a good friend who I met at a toddler group, let’s call her Sarah; she is married to Steve. I have known them both for over 10 years, though have only really got to know Steve well over the last 3 years or so. It turns out that Steve and I get on really well, and I would now consider him to be one of my best friends too. We can talk bollocks endlessly, have a similar sense of humour, and it’s really nice to spend time with them and be able to enjoy both person’s company. More recently Steve has been dropping in to mine for advice about stuff, he seems to really value my opinion, and he has done a couple of small jobs around my house for me, which is really kind of him since DIY isn’t my strong point!
However, I am sensing a chill in the air from Sarah. I should say that I would never ever overstep here – making a play for a someone else’s partner is a hardline no for me. And I really don’t think Steve finds me attractive, I am the polar opposite to Sarah who is very slim, glam and pretty (I am podgy, grey haired and a bit hippy-ish!!) However, Steve is undoubtedly fond of me, and vice versa.
I’m not sure how to proceed here. I want to maintain both friendships, but if Sarah is feeling a bit uneasy, perhaps I should cool my friendship with Steve? Should I just carry on as normal and see if she says something at some point? I don't want this to explode in my face in the future. What does MN think?

You may not think anything of it but that doesn't mean he's the same.

He may be seeing your friendliness as a sign you're up for a shag.

He would be far from the first apparently nice bloke to suddenly make a move because you've been friends with him and that's enough for him to give it a shot.

You need to start your own thread

Uhh don't do that. I don't get the 'just talk to Sarah.'
What do you expect her to say?
Yes @Fammm I don't like it if he pops over to do your diy and I can't really put my finger ons what bothers me, because you're right 'technically' you've done nothing wrong, so I'm just sounding like the jealous, deranged, territorial wife here. But I don't like the husband and father of my children to ask you for advice . I just (like most people ) can sense that this is not protecting my marriage. Because me and stave have bills to pay, children to parents and this inevitably fight. And now he come over to yours and just ahs a good time with a women who 'shares his sense of humour'. And none of that real life drudgery..
No she can't say that, so she'll say of course I don't mind if Steve does your diy.
And you'll go on as before because you've asked Sarah and she's fine with it!?

I'm amazed that some people are saying it's okay. Even if this doesn't turn out as an affair, why would I want another woman's husband to enjoy my company and thus lesson the jokes and time he shares with his own marriage . I try to respect and protect marriages. I trust myself and my husband but it doesn't mean I'm going to go on a work trip and share and air bnb with another man, because 'i don't find him remotely attractive'. That's naive if you're 18, but 'loving the attention' when you're grown.

Attraction doesn't have much to do about looks a lot of the time. When single I dated some beautiful dullards 😉

Just because you don’t know you’re a marriage wrecker doesn’t mean you’re not.

Yeah, right 🙄

I think you’re enjoying creating the rumpus which is a poor show. Find your own handyman and uncomplicated friend.

I mean fine you're friends, but "popping in for advice about stuff" does sound a bit off to me. "Really values your opinion." Boundaries can be crossed without ill intention on anyone's part. If you think Sarah is upset then yes you should just see them together for a bit. Unless you only care about her boundaries if they're the same as yours.

I'm a single parent and would never in a million years do this.

It's really inappropriate.

Would all of you who say she is overstepping be saying the same thing if it was a woman in a lesbian affair coming over for advice? Why can't women have male friends? I'm in a male dominated career. I wouldn't have friends if it wasn't for my male colleagues.

@Grah I think we're in the minority.

Sarah could be upset about something totally different? But as I said I'd be putting Steve off and spending more time with Sarah.

The thing is OP- it may indeed be that you don't fancy him or think of him that way but like his company- his wife isn't to know that - I doubt you've had the 'I don't fancy Steve' conversation at any point. On the whole many of us like to think we are married to a bloke who would be attractive to others- and she may think it's all a bit 'too close' - imagine yourself 'with Steve' - would you feel uncomfortable if he was popping round your 'mates' house frequently by himself ?? I suspect you wouldn't

I think you've taken a bit of an unnecessary beating here. BUT... the basic point that everyone is making is valid: Steve appears to be treating you and your friendship in a way that is detrimental to his relationship with his wife. This is exacerbated by the fact that you were friends with Sarah first, and now he has also, in effect, done some "friend stealing" here.

whether or not you and Steve are in the slightest bit interested in an affair is irrelevant. What's important is that he is using you as a sounding board and for entertainment and fun, in a way that is inappropriate. You have developed a close friendship which would probalby be inappropriate anyway, but even more so considering your original relationship with his wife.

You are taking him away from his partner and his family. Don’t

You are ‘sharing the same sense of humour’ and joking about. Does Sarah feel excluded?

You can sense Sarah is unhappy. Dial it back.

I’m wondering if you’re a bit lonely and starved of male attention, and like to think Steve maybe fancies you or something special between you. Even your op is written with a bit of excitement. You clearly utterly idolise Steve.

i can see why she’d be cold, it’s weird behaviour. He likely thinks you’re harmless and lonely. Need some help with diy. But she can see you’re being weird and idolising her husband and fantasising you’ve a special relationship

Why not only spend time with Steve AND Sarah. If there’s really nothing going on on either side this shouldn’t be a problem, and Sarah will be able to see that with her own eyes.

Absolutely. This.

Sorry OP, I'm not really buying your faux naivete. I'm also a single parent, and by the nature of the sports by DC do, spend time in the company of men, usually the dads, who tend to do the majority of the ferrying to matches. I am always conscious of the dynamic, conversations that are ok, level of connection I have with their spouse, in terms of the interactions I have with them. And that's just sideline chats! I do hate that it's the case - but I realised fairly early on that as a single parent, albeit in my case one who is definitely not thinking in that direction at all, and certainly not with any of these people, you are, even unconsciously, regarded with suspicion.

That you would write:
I have a good friend who I met at a toddler group, let’s call her Sarah; she is married to Steve. I have known them both for over 10 years, though have only really got to know Steve well over the last 3 years or so.
and not see that this means Sarah is your friend, and Steve is very much Sarah's husband and NOT your friend, amazes me.

Of course you can chat to Steve, enjoy his company when you are meeting up with Sarah, or meet him out and about or with the DC, but the idea that you describe is as Steve and I get on really well, and I would now consider him to be one of my best friends too. We can talk bollocks endlessly, have a similar sense of humour, and not see many red flags waving is quite unbelievable. It's definitely crossing a line.

I chat very well with many guys that I know socially / via kids, and there's lots of common topics we cover e.g. if we work in related areas or so on but I always keep it top-level, I don't go into lots of details or ever get personal. It's totally inappropriate.

More recently Steve has been dropping in to mine for advice about stuff, he seems to really value my opinion
Seriously? This seems fine to you???

More recently Steve has been dropping in to mine for advice about stuff, he seems to really value my opinion,
What about? How many opinions from you does he need. Why can't he ask his wife for her opinion instead.

Tell Sarah you've started seeing one.
Reassure her.
If it were me. I'd straight out tell her Steve is like a brother to me you appreciate having them both as close as family in your life.

Adding my voice to this opinion too.

FFS OP.

And by the way I've been there as my ex husbands mate used to frequently pop round ( I did notice after a while it was when he knew my H was on a shift) - just used to say 'oh isn't he in? When he knew full well he wasn't. All was fine till the day he suddenly declared out of the blue that he had a thing about me and made a move on me. All very very awkward, - I never told my ex either as didn't want to break up a friendship- to this day he has no idea .

Really good post. 👏

You are taking him away from his partner and his family. Don’t

Absolutely. If you genuinely care about him as a friend, don't put his marriage under pressure

Oh hang on, I just saw the drip feed, he never comes alone. So this is all about you focusing on him when she’s there. Making her sit there like a twat . That’s why she’s cold.

youre embarrassing yourself. Rein it in.