Good mates with friend's DH. Is trouble brewing??

[Fammm]

I am a single parent. I have a good friend who I met at a toddler group, let’s call her Sarah; she is married to Steve. I have known them both for over 10 years, though have only really got to know Steve well over the last 3 years or so. It turns out that Steve and I get on really well, and I would now consider him to be one of my best friends too. We can talk bollocks endlessly, have a similar sense of humour, and it’s really nice to spend time with them and be able to enjoy both person’s company. More recently Steve has been dropping in to mine for advice about stuff, he seems to really value my opinion, and he has done a couple of small jobs around my house for me, which is really kind of him since DIY isn’t my strong point!
However, I am sensing a chill in the air from Sarah. I should say that I would never ever overstep here – making a play for a someone else’s partner is a hardline no for me. And I really don’t think Steve finds me attractive, I am the polar opposite to Sarah who is very slim, glam and pretty (I am podgy, grey haired and a bit hippy-ish!!) However, Steve is undoubtedly fond of me, and vice versa.
I’m not sure how to proceed here. I want to maintain both friendships, but if Sarah is feeling a bit uneasy, perhaps I should cool my friendship with Steve? Should I just carry on as normal and see if she says something at some point? I don't want this to explode in my face in the future. What does MN think?

by the sound of it, either Steve yes, likes you, your company, or is a totally dumbed down gossip who cannot keep mouth shut, so comes and chats to you about all these topics who have nothing to do with his own life

OP your responses show you think you are doing nothing wrong! I think you came on here for validation! Your poor “friend” Sarah!

Well yes, that is why I posted, felt some chill, wondered why, now I appear to know!

You already knew so stop with the faux naivety. You’re loving this. We all know women like you and men like him. 🤮

Okay, gently, your reactions on this thread are a bit OTT. I'd be devastated if my friend Cathy (see my previous post up thread) cooled off towards me. I would never discuss finances with her husband alone!

But instead you're being very defensive. Why do you think that is? Nobody is frothing, just giving you advice you asked for. Maybe come back to this thread in a couple of days.

I wouldn't assume you're trying to bag my husband so I don't think it's just you.

I'd try and invest more time in Sarah, girl time, don't talk about Steve, laugh at his jokes a little less, just cool it by 10°.

Does Sarah get to have male pals she can turn to on a 1-2-1 basis OP? I'm not interested in delving into the whys and whatnots about the you and Steve dynamic, but wondering if this has uncovered a bit of a double standard in their relationship? Is Steve pretty territorial with Sarah and get uncomfortable if she has a single male friend that she clearly has a 'bestie' dynamic with?

It could be nothing directly to do with you, but something to do with them, particularly if at some point Sarah has felt obliged to jettison some male friends for Steve's comfort.

I think in this situation your only responsibility is not to overstep or start flirting with him or taking it any further than friendship.

If you feel it's already going there then you might want to step back a bit unless you want to screw up both of these friendships.

Steve's/ Sarah's responsibility is to negotiate their relationship and boundaries. If Sarah is feeling upset about this then she needs to speak to Steve, who can then decide to put boundaries in place and stop coming over.

It's not really your place to do anything about Sarah's feelings IMO, as long as you are in control of your feelings and not taking it further. That's between the two of them.

If you do feel you are becoming very attracted to him, you might want to put some space between you. Letting it develop further won't be good for anyone. But if you can enjoy the friendship for what it is, and have good self awareness, then enjoy it and let them work out how to navigate it.

Blimey. The funny thing is, for those of you who think I'm wrong here, one of the best things about Steve is the fact that he is married

What does that mean? You do know married men cheat/ behave inappropriately ? Half the men on dating apps are in fact married 😂

I do get it can be hard as a single woman to step back from male friendships when someone’s nose is out of joint, but if you value the friendship/ care about your mates marriage, you just have to do it.

I have a very close male friend. If his wife was in any way chilly with me I’d immediately stop visiting/speaking to him and just limit communication to an annual text or something.

Thankfully his wife isn’t threatened by me at all - maybe because she knows I’m not his type at all…or she’s just super secure! either way it works for me but if her attitude changed I’d definitely step back.

So you ask 'is trouble brewing' then cry when the consensus is yes?

You just wanted validation for your shitty behaviour towards your friend.

I do not have female friends because I am married and I miss that. People on MN acted like that was ridiculous, but accuse the OP of an emotional affair because of this? Come on!
I agree she should put distance between them, but it is preventative.

Right, so anyone who disagrees with you is a "frother."

You've wasted everyone's time here, OP.

MN said I was in an abusive relationship as a man as I was not allowed female friends. Now, the OP is being accused of all sorts for getting on with her friend's husband.

I would like a Steve and his builder friend to do my DIY for free!

He doesn't need advice from you. He can get it online or from his wife or a male friend. If the wife is being made uncomfortable, time to cool it. You can hire a handyman.

You need to cool it with Steve yes

He likes asking my opinion on political issues/feminism/other isms, has also asked me a couple of times what I would do financially if I was in him and Sarahs current situation
While Sarah and/or dc are there? Are you in finance?

Absolutely this. I have a lot of male friends, single and attached. Never had an issue as I respect boundaries and if I had any feeling the partners felt uncomfortable with me, I’d step back. Girl code is far more important to me.

It's tough as I've been you the single woman no interest in my Steve but it did affect mine and Sarah's friendship... so when I was offered help I would say ahhh no thanks... unless Sarah was also there when I was offered said help... sometimes it's not the single woman but the Sarah insecurities and why would I or you do this to a friend if you can sense something then stand by your friend even if it's 110 per cent innocent. Sarah offers help of Steve to be a good friend but even the most secure of women would and will get uneasy... it doesn't matter what you look like as in you said you are different to Sarah it's the emotional connection and that can be equally or even more hurtful.
You don't need to cut ties with anyone just consider things from another perspective and work from there

Last summer, my husband's best mate and I spent more time together than they did! Actually, that reminds me, I've not messaged him in a week or so ...

Anyway, OP, YANBU (though it's always wise to keep the boundary well lit).

Talk about jumping to conclusions.

Surely it depends on the topics of advice/ reasons he's seeking her advice specifically. If he knows it's something she has experience of, either professionally or just because she's gone through it before, what's wrong with that e.g. a friend who's a financial advisor - asking for financial advice etc.

Op talk to your friend - the cooling could be due to something else entirely - either related to you or not. It could of course also be your own perception because you're actually starting to develop feelings and projecting. I wouldn't assume it's to do with your friendship with her DH, just ask her if everything's ok because she's seemed a bit quiet/annoyed with you/whatever recently and take it from there.

One thing I've learned in my life is that you just can't be close friends with another woman's husband.

Since I was in school, I've always had more male friends than female friends. When I was at uni there was a group of 8 of us, I was the only female, and I'd regularly go out with all of them, small groups of them, and several of them just the two of us. But as each one of them got girlfriends it became clear that the 1-on-1 outings/meals/drinks had to stop. Gradually, as we all got our own lives, all of it stopped.

I can hand on heart say I've never had romantic feelings for any of them. I just get on better with men. They don't find me attractive either. I'm just one of the boys!

One of the most painful periods of my life was over a period of about 5 years where they all got girlfriends and I found myself pushed to the sidelines with no friends, not even able to text some of them because their girlfriends kicked off.

SOME women might be cool with it, but if his wife isn't, you really need to take a step back.

I think because you don’t see yourself as attractive you think there’s an invisible line drawn where there isn’t. If you were a fit blonde you’d probably see it’s not quite right.

I don’t actually think appearance is relevant here, just intimacy. That’s probably what’s making Sarah uncomfortable.

From your posts it doesn't sound like you're a marriage wrecker, but you do need to be mindful that you've no idea what's going on in other people's marriages behind closed doors.

You've had a bit of a pasting in places OP, but I think you've probably got to draw some healthy friendship boundaries with Steve.

For example, two friend shooting the shit can be two friends shooting the shit and enjoying each others' platonic company, but all it takes is for one friend to have something going on in their marriage and it's very easy for them to start gradually over investing in the friendship at the expense of their marriage and that's where there's fertile ground for comparisons (eg Fammm is so great, she's interested in talking about lots of interesting topics whereas Sarah's always nagging me to hang the washing out). If Sarah's at home and heating Steve mention how great Fammm is, how him and Bob called round to help Fammm out, how Fammm said this great thing on this topic, she's probably going to have her Spidey senses set off that Steve is blurring some boundaries, whether Fammm has done anything "wrong" or not.

I hate these threads because they automatically assume men and women cannot be platonic friends.

One of my closest friends os a bloke, he regularly can be found raiding my fridge, making coffee, on the trampoline with dd and doing odd jobs for me. He is often there when dp is not.

Dp & him have become good friends. There is absolutely no issue with friend being in the house when dp is not because do TRUSTS us and knows I would never cheat.

If you cannot trust your partner implicitly then frankly you shouldn't be together.

There are any number of reasons why Sarah is being cooler towards you...if you have been friends for so long talk to her. Ask her what's up.

Still wondering what advice he seeks from you?

(I don't think you're at fault btw)