Good mates with friend's DH. Is trouble brewing??

[Fammm]

I am a single parent. I have a good friend who I met at a toddler group, let’s call her Sarah; she is married to Steve. I have known them both for over 10 years, though have only really got to know Steve well over the last 3 years or so. It turns out that Steve and I get on really well, and I would now consider him to be one of my best friends too. We can talk bollocks endlessly, have a similar sense of humour, and it’s really nice to spend time with them and be able to enjoy both person’s company. More recently Steve has been dropping in to mine for advice about stuff, he seems to really value my opinion, and he has done a couple of small jobs around my house for me, which is really kind of him since DIY isn’t my strong point!
However, I am sensing a chill in the air from Sarah. I should say that I would never ever overstep here – making a play for a someone else’s partner is a hardline no for me. And I really don’t think Steve finds me attractive, I am the polar opposite to Sarah who is very slim, glam and pretty (I am podgy, grey haired and a bit hippy-ish!!) However, Steve is undoubtedly fond of me, and vice versa.
I’m not sure how to proceed here. I want to maintain both friendships, but if Sarah is feeling a bit uneasy, perhaps I should cool my friendship with Steve? Should I just carry on as normal and see if she says something at some point? I don't want this to explode in my face in the future. What does MN think?

Also, I don't really think that straight men and women can be platonic friends, not when at least one, if not both are in a separate long term relationship. I worked in male environments in the early part of my marriage and usually had a male best work mate. It was always purely platonic on my part but always ended with the man getting too attached and other members of staff gossiping. (And their wives were always younger, prettier and certainly thinner than me ;-) )

Given nearly everyone on this thread is suspicious of my intentions, I can only say loud and clear NO, I am not remotely interested in this man romantically. NO I don't see him alone, YES I do mostly see him with his wife/my friend.

@Tempnamechng So you think Steve is getting too attached to me? I guess this is my concern given Sarah's coolness.

I think it’s an unfortunate side effect of being a single woman. Even if you’re totally innocent you must sacrifice potential friendships with other people’s partners to not in any way be thought of stepping over a line. I am friends with the husbands of some friends who are super secure in their marriages and absolutely know nothing like that would happen (but I’m still not alone with them much, apart from walking home, occasional lifts etc). There’s been others who have def viewed me as a threat, so we’ve either stopped being friends at all which is sad, or even if I’ve gotten on well with their partners (one esp, we got on like a house on fire which was really unusual, so much in common etc) I’ve massively stopped speaking to them in any meaningful way. I certainly wouldn’t like the reverse done to me, so think you know what you need to do.

The way you quire vehemently deny absolutely anything anyone is saying leads me to believe you like the attention tbh.

Yes trouble is brewing, your relationship with Sarah is beginning to suffer. You don’t need to completely end the friendship with Steve but you definitely need to cool it.
If he asks for advice perhaps redirect him to his wife and ask him to
seek her opinion. Funnily enough people in emotional affairs often don’t recognise it, but look for the definition of it because from what you describe that is what is going on. For what my opinion is worth emotional affairs can be far more damaging to a marriage than a brief physical fling. Give Sarah her husband back!

I felt secure knowing that there wouldn't ever be any misunderstadnings/expectations in the way there can be with single male friends.

This feels pretty naive.

But if Sarah thinks like most people here do, then I need to end the friendship with Steve somehow.

She will, hence the chill, and you do. There's a whole world of other people to befriend who aren't your friend's DH.

@Victoriancat Or maybe what I am vehemently saying is true?

I think I must be naive as a pp said. I'm really, deeply shocked by everyones assumption that Im a marriage wrecker in the making. food for thought.

I really don’t think Steve finds me attractive, I am the polar opposite to Sarah who is very slim, glam and pretty (I am podgy, grey haired and a bit hippy-ish!!) However, Steve is undoubtedly fond of me

Most men aren't all that fussy at the end of the day. If he's fond of you and you've got woman bits, he will likely find you attractive. Plus difference from his wife is a bonus, not a negative.

You obviously think there’s an issue with your friendship otherwise you wouldn’t have posted. Stop being disingenuous.

@DiamondGazette Well yes, that is why I posted, felt some chill, wondered why, now I appear to know!

This ^

Cool it.
The fact you are asking MN for advice should be telling you enough that there is a friendship at risk.

You are deeply naive to think that a married man wouldn’t hit on a single woman. I’m guessing that you’ve not been here long to have read stories about married men doing this.

I’m not saying that you and Steve are on track to betray Sarah but if you’re the only woman that he acts like this with and you spend lots of time together then I can see why Sarah might be annoyed. He may have mentionitus at home etc- you don’t know. I know that you’re not responsible for his behaviour and Sarah might be directing her coolness towards you when it should be directed at her husband but it’s easier to blame you than him.

Good grief how much advice and DIY do the pair of you need!
Sounds like excuses just to see each other.

Honestly. You're not Sarah's friend.

Sorry OP but you just don't do this. I adore one of my best friend's husbands he's funny, chilled and just my kind of person. He often joins me and my friend on a night out and he's definitely the kind of guy I'd be mates with if I'd met him before I met her or if we were work colleagues or something.

But that's not the case. He's my best friend's husband and you don't have them over to your house alone. Even if entirely innocent. You just don't. It's not a good look. Also puts you in a tough spot if they ever split up. Boundaries.

I think you're perfectly normal. MN is chock-full of territorial women who think getting jealous if their husband talks to another woman is normal and rational. I don't actually encounter that sort of thing much IRL. My social circle is mixed and it's a total non-issue for men to hang out with women in whatever combination, regardless of whether any of them are single/in a relationship or whatever combination of sexuality there is.

Several years ago I did encounter it from a woman who started going out with one of the men in our friendship group - she got very annoyed that he had several friendships with other women and that he'd come with us for nights out etc. She essentially stopped him seeing any of his friends while they were going out. We thought she was quite sad and rather controlling. Luckily he saw sense, left her after two years and is now happily married to a non-jealous woman who we all love.

I’m not suspicious of your motives. I think fetaa has the best advice: see more of sarah on her own and include her in stuff you do together with Steve. It sounds like he’s more a brother figure.

i think it’s nice to have friends of the opposite sex and in a good marriage it’s not normally an issue. Maybe just focus on Sarah for a bit. She might have stuff going on that you don’t know about that’s nothing to do with any of this and she’s not even thought about it. You haven’t done anything wrong but try to spend a bit of time with her and see how things go.

You don't know their marriage. He may have form for cheating in the past, or they may be having other issues. You're not expected to know and it's not your business of course. However you have noticed that something about your relationship with her husband is making her uncomfortable. You've probably done nothing wrong. However if you value her friendship, I'd back off. Apart from anything else why would you want to get dragged into their marital issues? Think of it as self preservation.

Just because there's nothing but friendship for you doesn't mean it's the same for Steve, and perhaps Sarah is sensing that.
Definitely put a stop to the advice drop-ins and don't get him to do anymore bits of diy for you.
If Sarah seems up for it then see her on her own more.

Your friend Sarah is hurting. Of course you need back off.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks!

And no of course members of the opposite sex can be friends. But I think the vast majority of us if our husband was popping round a female friends quite a lot and probably talking about her at home - that would absolutely cause some frostiness.

Absolutely, and the faux 'he'd never be interested in little old me' is such a part of the script! And please don't be approaching Steve with the 'ooo I feel a chill from Sarah we need to back off from this'...

From OPs follow ups it doesn't sound as though she and Steve are alone together particularly often.
My DH has close female friends, I have a close male friend. It is purely friendship and both of us are sensible enough to know that. We trust each other.
However, it may be that Sarah had previously had reason not to trust Steve.
Carve out some time with Sarah alone. Let her see for herself that you have no "ulterior motoves".