Coping with Silent Treatment

[baffleddays]

When DP and I have a disagreement he often gets annoyed and shuts down the conversation, by refusing to talk, physically leaving the house, going to sleep etc. If he does leave when he returns he'll often be distant with me, give one word answers, stare at his phone etc. He says he just doesn't want to have to always talk things out, but I feel like I'm getting the silent treatment.

The problem is - I really struggle with the silent treatment. It feels so uncomfortable that often I end up being the one trying to offer olive branches, smooth things over etc. (even if I was the one raising a grievance at the start of it all) just to get the awkwardness to go away. If I do try to tolerate it rather than caving into it it still consumes my thoughts, stops me being able to concentrate on work etc. I often end up replaying the conversation in my mind and trying to work out how it all unravelled.

My worry is that I think I need to be able to tolerate the silence better to avoid the risk of it being used against me... so I was wondering if anybody has any good tips or suggestions?

you struggle to tolerate silent treatment because it is abusive.

what advice would you give someone who was receiving abusive treatment?

Silent treatment is a classic abuse tactic. It is designed to shut down disagreements and to ensure that the victim does not expect any apology or changed behaviour over the long term and, ultimately, on a future ongoing basis will adapt their behaviour so as to prevent any recurring silent treatment.

Go back to the underlying issue - he has done something to upset or hurt you. Now he is cross because you have challenged him? Or perhaps YOU did something to upset or hurt him and now he has gone silent as a way to "teach" you never to dare try that again. Either way, it's not okay and is not how normal, emotionally mature adults deal with things.

If someone else was writing this what would your advice be to them?.

This is indeed abusive treatment you are receiving from him and you're forgetting that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You certainly do not need to tolerate his silences better!.

Time for this relationship to now be at an end, its over anyway due to his abuses of you. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

if anybody has any good tips or suggestions?

Leave him. It's abusive behaviour.

No normal, well-adjusted, emotionally aware adult acts like that.

Find a man who can use his words like an adult when you have a disagreement.

How long have you been together? It will get worse. SIL's ex got to the point he'd sulk if she didn't greet him enthusiastically enough when she came in from work....

How long do these periods of silent treatment last and how frequent are they? I would definitely have a conversation with him saying the impact this behaviour has on you. If he's prepared to take steps to change his behaviour and follows through on this, the relationship is worth maintaining. If he doesn't make an effort to change then maybe worth considering whether this relationship is worth pursuing.

I have been on receiving end of this type of behaviour and it can really knock your confidence and wellbeing. You need to reassure yourself the issue is with him and you are not to blame for the behaviour - I try to do the same but not always easy, I have at least stopped apologising like I used to do, thinking it was my fault.

My good tip - LTB

Make the silent treatment permanent by walking away.

It is actually grounds for divorce so grab that opportunity op..

I’d walk away from this relationship, but if you decide to stay you need to teach him a lesson. You will have to fake it till you make it - go about your day calmly and serenely and basically ignore him. He needs to learn that you will not be cowed by his behaviour. He’s doing it because it works - you apologise and back down.

But you’d be better advised to leave him.

You can tolerate it by just getting in with your day by yourself. Go out, have a bath, watch tv, do some chores whatever you like but just ignore him.
See how long the stand off is.

Then imagine this as your future.

Why do you think the solution is to tolerate his bad behaviour?

I experienced silent treatment a lot with my ex, and it's horrendous. However much you try to just put up with it and get on with your day, it's impossible. You can't pretend to yourself or to him that it doesn't bother you.

You can't sustain a relationship with someone who doesn't want to talk things out. How is anything ever going to get resolved?

My parents used to do this. My sister and I were stuck in the middle, sometimes for literally months.

It's not a behaviour/tactic I would be willing to live with.

My ex used to do this, he once did it for 6wks. Why he’s an ex. It really triggered me how I wouldn’t know how his mood would be having grown up in a home with parents constantly fighting and from things going normal to horrible in minutes. I couldn’t cope with it. Oddly we are friends now, we have been split 12yrs. I think he recognises now that his behaviour including this was abusive and childish. They rarely change, do you want to live like this?

OP, you shouldn't be 'getting used to silence' as a way to deal with your partners toxic behaviour.
From your post I don't see any willingness from him to realise the impact of his behaviour, nor any willingness to develop more mature and healthy ways to cope with difficult situations between you.

He's more avoidant and doesn't like talking about things. Okay, there are other ways to go about that than shutting you out completely. I tend to get overwhelmed and freeze. My partner and I will sometimes agree to a time-out where we can both find our peace before trying to resolve issues. I also can't think properly when someone's angry with me and raises their voice. So when my partner gets upset, I will calmly shut down the conversation and offer to pick it back up once we're both able to communicate more peacefully and cooperatively.
There are plenty of ways to be kind and respectful, yet choose not to engage in an argument at that moment.
If this is not something he's willing to learn, he's not the right man for you.

Bullying by silence. Classic abusive behaviour x

Thank you everybody for your replies - it's given me a lot of really helpful information to think about.

More often than not it's something I've said which sets it off - could be because I've raised something that's bothering me or could be a more general conversation that deteriorates, but either way he seems to get annoyed, overwhelmed by the conversation and then disengages.

I could understand it if it was a break in a conversation and then we'd come back to it, but it's more like a permanent end and he's in a mood with me. On the times when I've tried to call him after he's left he says that he's just told me he doesn't want to talk so please respect that (or something along those lines).

When I've tried to speak to DP about it previously he's said that he doesn't want to always have to talk about things so wants to just leave conversations sometimes (which makes me wonder if I'm being unreasonable). He also points out that in the past I've asked him not to shout during arguments so says him leaving the conversation avoids ending up getting more annoyed and any shouting so is doing what I'd asked. I guess those 2 things are the reasons why I've tolerated it. Also because in that specific moment there's not a lot you can do but tolerate it as you can't force someone to speak to you.

The silent treatments normally only last for hours rather than days or weeks thankfully. But you're right that it does make it a struggle to get anything resolved. I might ask for him to suggest how he thinks we could communicate and resolve things better.

I put up with that shit for 20 years. 20 years too long...

It used to drive me crazy and led to me purposely not offering an opinion or being able to express if something was bothering me. So yes - it's definitely an abusive and isolating tactic.

Abuse is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control. Your partner actively wants to control the moods of the house by his use of silent treatment which is a form of emotional abuse as well as punishing you for some slight in his head. He neither wants to communicate or resolve things; its his way or no way as far as he is concerned. This crap going on for hours rather than days is no consolation either. He is doing this also because he has learnt (from parents most likely) that it works for him.

Did you see similar at home re your parents too?.

What do you know about his dps relationship? Ime it's learned behaviour.

Shout or walking out are not the only ways to conclude an argument. Does he do those things if he faces any sort of conflict or disagreement at work or with friends? I bet he doesn’t. I bet he has a measured adult conversation. He does these to you to try and force you to back down and not challenge him in future.

I don't disagree with what pp's have said - and their explaination of him using silence to control you seems the most likely.

But I will offer a slightly different POV because I am often silent in times of disagreement and upset. I am not seeking to control, I am often just overwhelmed. Inside my head, all my words have totally vanished and my mind has blanked. I couldn't explain what I thought, felt or my opinion - even if I tried to. And often, although it doesn't seem that way, I AM trying very hard to.

I could, of course, explain all this to a partner at another time - to give them insight. In the moment I can often explain I am not angry or upset at them but I am struggling to verbalise how I am feeling. but they are both things I've learned to do as I've got older.

I suspect this is a learned behaviour as a child when, despite having loving parents, my opinion was often invalidated ("don't be stupid").

I am not saying this is what's going on for him, but thought an additional POV might help - just in case anything there resonates.

My ex was exactly like this. What you have to remember is, he seems totally ok with the horrific and awkward atmosphere that his silence causes. Even if its true, that he doesn't want to have to 'talk things out', why does that means he is silent and sulks? I'm sorry but it is 100% used to ensure that he is not held accountable for anything and to hold power over you. Look at how it affects you? He clearly doesn't care about that. He knows his behaviour is causing you anxiety and upset but he continues to do it. He does not care about your feelings. I'm so sorry, this won't change. I can't believe I put up with it for so many years.

You shouldn't have to become more able to tolerate it / not respond to it. Silent treatment is abusive. If DH feels he needs a breather then he needs to be able to express that clearly and then remove himself go for a walk or to another space in the home and return when appropriate and speak like an adult to resolve the situation or move on and forget it. Be clear with him this is abusive and you won't stand for it and I would seriously be thinking about the long term if he continues to do so.

When I've tried to speak to DP about it previously he's said that he doesn't want to always have to talk about things so wants to just leave conversations sometimes (which makes me wonder if I'm being unreasonable). He also points out that in the past I've asked him not to shout during arguments so says him leaving the conversation avoids ending up getting more annoyed and any shouting so is doing what I'd asked.

Herein lies the problem. His desire to not talk, or to shout, is, apparently, more important than your desire to talk.

More importantly for me however, is what, if anything is resolved by his sulking. That is my question. If, for example, the issue you've raised is the fact that you are asking him to please not leave dirty underpants on the floor for you to pick up. He does not want to talk about it. So that's it? This issue is never resolved?

I mean, if he says, "I'm so sorry, I won't do it again" and then you hound him over and over again and tell him repeatedly over and over again how much you hate it, then sure, I'd agree with him that continuing to talk about it is not helpful.

But I very very much doubt that is what is happening here.