Coping with Silent Treatment

[baffleddays]

When DP and I have a disagreement he often gets annoyed and shuts down the conversation, by refusing to talk, physically leaving the house, going to sleep etc. If he does leave when he returns he'll often be distant with me, give one word answers, stare at his phone etc. He says he just doesn't want to have to always talk things out, but I feel like I'm getting the silent treatment.

The problem is - I really struggle with the silent treatment. It feels so uncomfortable that often I end up being the one trying to offer olive branches, smooth things over etc. (even if I was the one raising a grievance at the start of it all) just to get the awkwardness to go away. If I do try to tolerate it rather than caving into it it still consumes my thoughts, stops me being able to concentrate on work etc. I often end up replaying the conversation in my mind and trying to work out how it all unravelled.

My worry is that I think I need to be able to tolerate the silence better to avoid the risk of it being used against me... so I was wondering if anybody has any good tips or suggestions?

OP do you generally find it difficult to be the one to end things? Do you have experience of ending a relationship which was turbulent, even though the other person didn’t want to end it?

My last relationship definitely had its rocky moments… some similarities to what I’m experiencing now (lack of empathy, feeling like I’m “difficult”) but some differences too… my ex could barely summon enough interest to disagree with me and would tell lies for a “simple life”, whereas my current partner will argue, pick at things and lose his temper.

With the last relationship he was so “not bothered” about me / us most of the time that when I suggested maybe we should split he agreed and wasn’t bothered. A couple of weeks later though that changed massively, he suddenly wanted to be back together and when I said I didn’t want that he became nasty. Said incredibly hurtful things, deliberately took things that were important to me, sent me texts up to 2000 words long about how I’d ruined him, how awful of a person I am, how I should feel so guilty for what I was putting him through etc. It was horrific. We had to stay in contact for a while as were selling a joint home and the nastiness only stopped when I got legal advice and told him there’d be an injunction if he carried on.

The whole experience of separating was one of the worst years of my life, so I’m sure that doesn’t help with being scared of ending this relationship or with the guilt I feel. And weirdly, during that split, the nastier he became the more I regretted leaving and doubted whether I’d done totally the wrong thing! I’d naively thought we could stay friends, I didn’t want to lose him from my life totally as we’d known each other since childhood, so when it became so nasty I was hugely upset.

So to answer your question… I think there’s a lot of break-up “baggage” I need to work through.

I sometimes feel like I put myself through all that for nothing too, when I look at how things aren’t better in this relationship than my last one (before we split and he became vile!) - so I’m scared of making the same mistake again to leave and find the grass isn’t greener!

OP - the grass isn’t even green in your current relationship.

I’ve been following this thread for a long time now and I think most people who have been following have been hoping you have plucked up the courage to end this relationship and move forward onto better, happier things. I know you have had a bad experience before but that can’t be your reason to stay in an equally as unhappy relationship. What comes through loud and clear throughout this thread is that your current partner isn’t brave enough to end the relationship and is hoping/waiting for you to, and in the meantime you’re analysing everything, seeking therapy to understand why things the way they are when it is abundantly clear the problem is not you. Yes talk to someone about how these relationships have made you feel but also please realise it’s not you that needs to do the soul-searching.

PLEASE stop settling for less than mediocre because you’re scared it’s all been for nothing - if everyone thought like that, where would we be? Please please please feel emboldened to finally be selfish and seek happiness for yourself. We only have one life, I promise you that your future self will thank you for not wasting any more of it with someone who doesn’t make you abundantly happy. A period of aingle life is better than abject relationship misery.

Take the leap, I implore you.

This is so true. @baffleddays You shouldn’t stay in a bad relationship because maybe there won’t be a better one, by staying in the bad relationship you are preventing yourself from finding the partner who is right for you. What you are saying is that it’s better to be in a bad relationship than to be alone which is really very sad to hear.

Do not fall into the sunk cost fallacy - the only thing worse than spending 4 years in the wrong relationship is being in the wrong relationship for 4 years plus 1 day.

I hope you find therapy helpful but ultimately you need to dig deep to find the courage to end this relationship, there will never be a right time but do you really want to live the rest of your life like this?