Coping with Silent Treatment

[baffleddays]

When DP and I have a disagreement he often gets annoyed and shuts down the conversation, by refusing to talk, physically leaving the house, going to sleep etc. If he does leave when he returns he'll often be distant with me, give one word answers, stare at his phone etc. He says he just doesn't want to have to always talk things out, but I feel like I'm getting the silent treatment.

The problem is - I really struggle with the silent treatment. It feels so uncomfortable that often I end up being the one trying to offer olive branches, smooth things over etc. (even if I was the one raising a grievance at the start of it all) just to get the awkwardness to go away. If I do try to tolerate it rather than caving into it it still consumes my thoughts, stops me being able to concentrate on work etc. I often end up replaying the conversation in my mind and trying to work out how it all unravelled.

My worry is that I think I need to be able to tolerate the silence better to avoid the risk of it being used against me... so I was wondering if anybody has any good tips or suggestions?

He’s done a real number on you, @baffleddays. This is all him, by the way. I hope you can see his calculated abuse of you soon and end this horrible relationship.

I think something you need to think about is that this isn't just about not wanting to communicate. It's about not wanting to admit to any wrongdoing, or accepting anything that might mean his behaviour must change. The refusal to communicate is just the tool he is employing to ensure that this happens for him.

I can tel you're starting to blame yourself - originally for him behaving in a certain way and now you're shifting to blame yourself for allowing this. Please don't take on the blame. People like your DP very specifically target empathetic, strong people - they don't do it consciously, but I guarantee that at the beginning of your relationship there were a bunch of things that happened and your response meant that he kept the relationship going rather than discarding you.

For example - he might have employed this silent treatment in the form of ghosting. Perhaps after you'd had a disagreement or similar early on he simply disappeared for a few days? When he reappeared, it was most likely after you apologised and/or assured him things wouldn't happen again. He might have given you a story about how communication is difficult/ he needed to process/ he just can't cope with things etc.

Another example might have been him overstepping and pushing boundaries, but quite subtly. For example, insisting on meeting your family and friends earlier than you perhaps wanted to. Or perhaps you quickly found that you were doing the things HE liked - you'd suggest an activity and he'd say yes, but in a way that made it clear to you that he wouldn't enjoy it. So, because you are an understanding person, you suggested something else?

Some of those boundaries may have been a little more hardcore or involved putting you in an uncomfortable position quite early in the relationship before you were comfortable with it. eg asking you to get your sister to invite him to a family-only christening when he hadn't even met her, or making you feel you feel you have to ask your best friend to invite him to her wedding even though the wedding was organised and finalised before you even met him . Or asking you to ask a colleague if he can ask his wife to help him with his CV because he's applying for a job in her sector. Perhaps he insisted on attending a dinner with your 3 closest friends from university when no one else's partner comes along.

These have the added complexity of you being put in a situation where your relationship with these other people is then compromised becuase you are pushing THEIR boundaries. Are there people or friends or situations you have found yourself distanced from because he doesn't like them?

@DancesWithDucks - I think you’re right about the guilt being a problem. I hate the idea of hurting anybody so to put somebody into pain and inconvenience (of moving house etc) because of a choice I’ve made feels selfish. I actually thought the other day that it would be easier if I didn’t own the home as then I could just move out rather than having to force that on him! Which is a bit crazy, I should be grateful to have the security of my home.

I’ve also had an awful break up in the past where my ex became verbally abusive and harassing, and yet at the same time I had so much grief and felt like I’d maybe made a mistake breaking up - so the fear of starting a break up process is very real!

Between the fear and the guilt I guess that creates a lot of incentive to keep trying at the relationship. Not to mention the wider points out about joint friends, family opinions etc (that I try not to let factor into my thinking).

I’ve written myself a list now of “dealbreakers” so I’ve got something to hold myself to account to where even if I’m feeling afraid and guilty I will leave if a certain thing is happening. For example if the response for me to start speaking up more is for DP to throw things then I will leave. Or if I keep getting the silent treatment then I will leave. (I know I need to start speaking up more as I don’t want to learn to be silent).

I am looking into therapy but in the meantime it is hugely helping on here as even your comment made me stop and think about the fact that I feel guilty about the idea of hurting him but he’s hurting me and doesn’t seem to have issues with feeling guilty!

@EarthSight - that’s some really interesting observations, thank you. I can actually recognise some of your first bullet point as I know that’s how DP has “conflict” with his parents - they have a big blow out, storm out and then effectively pretend it never happened the next day. And that fits with him getting annoyed when I want to discuss it when things have calmed down as he thinks it should be over at that point. I’m not sure how that gets addressed though - I assume it would be something he had to learn for himself!?

I’m also not saying that means your second bullet point can’t be at play too though - as I know he is absolutely happier and calmer when things are going his way and not being complicated by other opinions or feelings. I think that’s what he sees my feeling and differences of opinion as a lot of the time - a complication. I can see that until now I’ve started lessening my needs and asks just to try and keep life simpler so I need to stop that

I meant to say - what is the financial situation? earlier in your thread I was under the impression he ways the higher earner and that you were, if not dependent on him, certainly there were financial implications. But now it turns out it's YOUR house. Is he paying you rent and his share of bills etc?

I know you said he wants to buy an expensive car you couldn't afford on your own. Is it true that he couldn't afford it on his own either? Are you funding him in other ways?

I’m not sure how that gets addressed though - I assume it would be something he had to learn for himself!?

Yes.

You can't - it isn't possible - to do someone's learning for them.

This is both a bad thing and a good thing - if you could, then he'd be changed and things would go well. But equally, it's a good thing that you don't have that control over someone else's thought processes and maturation. That would be scary (ahem, as long as we not talking teenagers, my goodness I'd be happy to reprogram my 15 year old's brain a bit).

More seriously, it's in his control and his choice to grow and learn a more constructive way of solving conflict. You can't force it. You can control your own actions though. Whether you choose to end it or keep going, that -is- where you have the power, unless you give it away to him and keep quiet (and unhappy).

Thanks @DancesWithDucks - I'm absolutely going to try and start focussing more on my side and what I can control - not staying quiet and forcing myself to ask for what I need, share my opinions etc. will be the first steps I think - and then being truly observant of his responses rather than just seeing what I want to see. Which I'm hoping then will give me more confidence and clarity about my next steps from here.

For the last week DP has been calmer and seems to be making more effort, which I'm not taking as a "positive" sign that all will be well - but does make me wonder if I've unintentionally been more distant or if he picked up that I didn't chase after him on the last silent treatment. In the last week he has also been pushing conversations like the one about buying a car, which would be joint financial investments so I wonder if he's using that to try and gauge my mood too. Which I'm not impressed about as I've said before that I don't want to do those things yet so it feels like a boundary push even when he's brought them up subtly (e.g. saying that car's nice isn't - I know we can't talk about it yet but that would be a good one we could both use together).

That links into @GingerIsBest question about the financial situation - I am financially independent fortunately and able to pay all of the house and current bills on my own if required - but that may not be the case if we take on additional investments such as a car on finance. It certainly wouldn't be a decision I'd be making if I was single. On that basis I decide I'm not interested because I want to maintain my financial independence - but I think DP then gets frustrated that I make decisions in that way - he says it limits what we can both do by the fact that everything is dictated on what I can afford rather than letting him contribute.

"For the last week DP has been calmer and seems to be making more effort, which I'm not taking as a "positive" sign that all will be well - but does make me wonder if I've unintentionally been more distant or if he picked up that I didn't chase after him on the last silent treatment".

This is all part and parcel of how things are in abusive relationships.

He sensed that you had changed somehow, he picked up that you did not chase him after the last round of silent treatment. Now the nice part in the cycle of abuse has returned, for now, until it goes away again. The nice/nasty cycle of abuse is a continuous one. These types also hate women, ALL of them.

I think he very much resents you having more than him as well. Note too re a potential car purchase how he deflects it onto you having a problem rather than he; its always someone else's fault other than his own.

You say that you could manage all the bills alone if you had to, which is good. But I'm more interested in how bills are split currently. It's your house - is he still paying a decent rent/share of the bills and mortgage?

In theory, I don't think it's a problem to agree as a couple that you'll buy a nicer car or go on a nicer holiday or whatever it is, if that's something you both want and are willing to pay for. where alarm bells start ringing for me is when you are bearing the brunt of the existing financial burden. eg it's your house so do you pay the mortgage alone and he just pays bills?

I also agree with Attila - he's sensed that you're pushing back so he's being "nice". But it won't last. He won't be able to maintain it, or he'll even use that as a way to punish you later, "I've been so bloody nice to you for weeks and now you're having a go at me because I left my socks on the floor?!"

and then being truly observant of his responses rather than just seeing what I want to see.

This is a great step.

saying that car's nice isn't - I know we can't talk about it yet but that would be a good one we could both use together

This isn't pushing the boundary, it's breaking it into a thousand little pieces. This is ^exactly* talking about it, and making it seem unreasonable if you protest.

He's really very manipulative isn't he? Sulking, ignoring your requests and reasonable boundaries, being nice when he senses you aren't running after him enough.

Sorry to say that people who are manipulative don't often change, because it works for them in their way. Just not for everyone else. Very occasionally they do, if they take a long look at themselves usually after a shock of some sort, and decide to drop the manipulation because they don't like who they are. It's rare though and this particular man is riddled through with manipulativeness.

This. From experience of someone just like this, they don't change. So you need to work out if you can cope with the constant sulking, strops, stonewalling and general manipulative behaviour. Because it isn't going away.

Thank you as always for everybody’s really helpful replies. It’s taking me a while to mentally get there but I am gradually feeling stronger and clearer about what’s going on and what I need to do, which I’m very grateful for.

@DancesWithDucks @ZeppelinTits - I know that I don’t want to live with sulking, anger, stonewalling or manipulation… and I am gradually accepting that it’s possible DP can’t change and therefore that I may have to find the courage to end the relationship. I think at the moment I also still have some self-doubt and confusion though - and so feel like I need to get myself to a place of being more sure and clear. I think that would really help me to cope better if I do have to go through a break-up.

That’s why I’m thinking of starting to stand up for my opinions and boundaries more and truly observing his responses, hopefully with the blinkers and justifications I’ve had removed this time. It’s interesting to hear though that what I thought of as a subtle boundary push with the car is breaking it into pieces to other people – I guess that shows how far off kilter my thresholds and perspectives have become.

@AttilaTheMeerkat @GingerIsBest – Thank you for flagging about the behaviour potentially being part of a cycle, as at least now if the behaviour does slip back to less effort, more snappiness and silent treatments etc. then I’ll be clear that the nice “phase” was just that – a phase – rather than something I should keep holding out hope because of. I know it's been mentioned in pp's not to get held up on the idea of abusive behaviours being deliberate / conscious – I’m assuming therefore the cycle can be an unconscious thing too?

With the car I think he does see that as being my issue – he thinks it’s totally reasonable that we’d buy a car together now etc. and when I say that I don’t want those things because I only want to be financially committed to things I can afford on my own he sees that as me being negative about the relationship and putting up blockers that stop us from doing things that we could afford together.

Early in the relationship there was an occasion where he paid to take us on holiday and unfortunately we had an argument. I remember him getting annoyed and saying well in that case you can give me half of the money back for the holiday. About an hour later he calmed down and apologised, said he never would have actually taken the money back - but I think looking back the damage was done in terms of me not wanting to put myself in a position where he could ask for things back if he got angry enough.

@GingerIsBest – In fairness to DP he does pay half of all the household bills and food and will pay more for some ad-hoc things. The only thing he doesn’t contribute towards is the mortgage, which is for my own protection mainly. So I can’t complain that he’s left me unfairly financially burdened. If anything he wants to do and spend more than I’m comfortable with!

@GingerIsBest – In fairness to DP he does pay half of all the household bills and food and will pay more for some ad-hoc things. The only thing he doesn’t contribute towards is the mortgage, which is for my own protection mainly. So I can’t complain that he’s left me unfairly financially burdened. If anything he wants to do and spend more than I’m comfortable with!

I'm not actually a fan of men living rent free out of some concern that they might otherwise have a claim on the house - that's what lawyers are for. But even if that IS an agreement that you've made, how is this fair? So he pays NO rent and you pay a mortgage? He's saving a fortune and I can assure you that my DH would NEVER in a million years have been okay with that, even when he was earning much less than me.

Let him buy the car. Tell him that he can buy it, and pay for it, and while you'll have use of it you won't have any legal right to it in the same way that he doesn't contribute to your mortgage and therefore has no legal right to the house.

And if he was a good man, he'd be paying more in other ways to thank you for the fact that he doesn't have to pay any bloody rent. Whether that's holidays, meals out, gifts etc.

Just to reiterate on this issue. I know on MN people get very frothy that a man might have a claim on they house if he pays rent. For a start, as I said, then get a lawyer to draw up a contract to solve for that problem.

IN the meantime, he moved in with you (earlier than you wanted?). what has he SAVED by this. What rent and bills was he paying before? And what were you paying before? I bet your savings are marginal and his are substantial? Even the bloody cat - he could pay for the CAT in its entirety as a small way to compensate.

Meanwhile, we already know he's not doing basic tidying up? What about other household chores and responsibilities? Or are you still the one doing the cooking, cleaning, shopping?

He seems to have this lovely life, paid for largely by you, and he doesn't ever have to have. difficult conversation or take responsibility for things because he's managed to convince you that it's your job to limit and reduce his "Stress" at all times?

I need to get myself to a place of being more sure and clear. I think that would really help me to cope better if I do have to go through a break-up.

Very good idea.

Keep reading this thread though; without outside comments, it can be extremely easy to get sucked back into the old status quo. He clearly wants to tie closer to you for whatever reason (Im not sure it's entirely because he values YOU, from everything you've said) and that can be seductive, specially if you're tired or need comfort.

That comment about paying back half the holiday cost - you are VERY wise indeed to keep financial independence. That comment alone is not helping this particular outside observer think he's anything other than highly manipulative and quietly rather threatening, by the way.

That comment and your reaction to it means you lost a lot of trust in him, didn't it?

Thanks @GingerIsBest - I can see your point as I know that DP is saving the money that he would otherwise have spent on rent, meanwhile I don't have any substantial savings. I think I considered it as reasonable because we're each paying half of all bills, other than the mortgage - and for the mortgage although I'm having to pay it alone I'm also getting sole benefit of owning the property. DP sees his "rent savings" as being the equivalent of my mortgage payment so keeps things equitable - and also means that he would have the savings available to go and buy his own property if that was ever needed. I think if I had wanted DP to pay rent it would quickly have been a contentious issue though - as DP made it clear early on that he wouldn't consider it fair to pay rent unless he was named on the property and mortgage.

From a house responsibilities perspective, I think that's okay... I wouldn't say it's 50/50 as I definitely do more of the cleaning, food shop, admin etc. - but DP does help with the cleaning and will also do "garden jobs". We both cook roughly a similar amount. His messiness and ability to leave things on floors, worktops etc. does drive me crazy but other than that I wouldn't say household responsibilities has worried me much.

@DancesWithDucks - I think that's a good point about keeping reading this thread. DP is definitely being unusually nice at the moment - not being as short-tempered, asking how I am, not getting moody with me over a couple of minor things that I've pointed out today. I'm grateful for the improvement but know I need to maintain some healthy scepticism which is where the outside perspectives come in super helpful.

Also, despite me saying that the "being nice" is an improvement (which it is) there are some elements that seem to have gone too far the other way too, with DP becoming more "needy" / insecure. He's been asking for more reassurance around my relationships with male colleagues for example - so I think that's more evidence that he's possibly picked up on me being more distant and is seeking to reassure himself through these questions... and therefore likely it's that reassurance that he's after when trying to tie us closer together too.

For the holiday comment, I knew it felt horrible at the time but I think it's only when looking back later that I realise just how much it broke my trust. I feel like the way he handled that situation shows the potential for a vindictive streak... so why would I want to allow someone to gift me things again if there's a risk they're going to throw it back in my face when they're feeling hurt or angry? It feels like just giving somebody a weapon to use against you. Likewise, if I know that somebody can go back on what they previously said (that the holiday was a gift) then it doesn't create a great starting point for joint financial decisions where I'd have to trust DP to act fairly in the event of a break-up. It's possible that I'm overthinking it all as I know things sometimes get said in the heat of the moment and he did apologise and say that he'd never actually have taken the money... but it's clearly been hard to shake-off.

This thread alone shows that you are thoughtful, decent and empathetic.

don’t you think you deserve a partner who is like that as well?

you have adapted to tolerate and manage your dp’s behaviour. It just shouldn’t be necessary. He should be your partner not someone you have to tiptoe around.

things that make him stressed/withdrawn - Taking your nephew out for example. That was a difficult situation that a “normal” couple would have worked together to resolve - or at least got through it together. He left you to it. Went off to get away from it.

you are only 4 years in with no kids. Just imagine how little use he would be with a baby crying - no doubt it would stress him, leaving you to pick up the pieces.

you can do better

@baffleddays

I've said before that I don't want to do those things yet so it feels like a boundary push even when he's brought them up subtly (e.g. saying that car's nice isn't - I know we can't talk about it yet but that would be a good one we could both use together).

It's not that subtle really - you recognised straight away that he was trying to push you into something you don't want to do, because it would adversely affect you - which sensible of you.

If he really wants this more expensive car (which you don't) not just economically but because it doesn't suit you and how you wish to operate, then he will need to fund it himself without taking away from how you both contribute to your current life. If he's unable to do so then he'll need, however irritating that is for him, to accept the situation as it is. 🌹

Op if you don't feel comfortable with him paying towards mortgage he should be paying rent that covers mortgage interest as that is the equivalent of rent

This summary could describe my ex!! He couldn't stand it when I developed some of my own needs while pregnant and expected him to care about them so he ran away

@baffleddays

I know that I don’t want to live with sulking, anger, stonewalling or manipulation… and I am gradually accepting that it’s possible DP can’t change and therefore that I may have to find the courage to end the relationship.

It sounds like you are already half way to ending the relationship. These behaviours plus his insecurities around your male work colleagues must be emotionally exhausting for you. His making superficial and, very likely temporary, adjustments to how he treats you are only likely to get you to question further why you should give him more of your life and energies. I wonder if he sees this?

Early in the relationship there was an occasion where he paid to take us on holiday and unfortunately we had an argument. I remember him getting annoyed and saying well in that case you can give me half of the money back for the holiday.

And there you are - at rock bottom the person he really is, with a sting in the tail. Imagine if he had a legal share in your property... 🌹

He's put you in training to do his bidding or he will sulk. He's training you to pick his clothes up for evermore- don't, either leave them where they lie, then he can see the buildup (would he dare say after a while with piles to wade through "why haven't you picked my clothes up"? ) or hide a big box in the shed or garage, put them in there and see how long he takes to notice what's missing ( after telling him they will be binned). It's fighting back and playing hardball and basically showing him that he is the one who needs training.
Does he do his fair share of housework or just create a mess and leave it for you?
I'd kinda have fun trying different approaches that will leave him flummoxed, start arranging your own lifts, act more independently, don't let him feel indispensable. Do your own things when you want to without discussion with him - he will be too busy sulking when he stops getting his own way. "Oh do you want informing of what I'm up to and when? Well you need to be talking and listening and be present if so". If he's sulking in his shell he doesn't deserve to know what's going on in your life, as he is not informing you of what's in his head either.
He will either deteriorate - makes it easier to end then- or he will get the message and improve, in which case, job done and he's been trained better ( as he should be, this is unlikely though). Good luck with it all.

I feel like the way he handled that situation shows the potential for a vindictive streak... so why would I want to allow someone to gift me things again if there's a risk they're going to throw it back in my face when they're feeling hurt or angry? It feels like just giving somebody a weapon to use against you.

Yes. And in the longer term, with someone who sulks at you at this stage, that vindictive streak will come out.

It's possible that I'm overthinking it all as I know things sometimes get said in the heat of the moment and he did apologise and say that he'd never actually have taken the money... but it's clearly been hard to shake-off.

No, you aren't.

I'd have reacted exactly the same way as you. Any aware person would have. I suspect he realises that and is trying to bind you closer to him financially (the car), possibly to make it harder for you to draw away.

There are a lot of red flags here, objectively speaking, from small instances you have described. No doubt there are good things in the relationship too, but "Look carefully beyond someone's personality to their underlying character before you commit".

Vital questions when looking at a prospective partner:

1. How does he react when you say No to him?
2. What does he get angry about and how does he react?
3. How does he treat people of no importance to him, eg waitresses, the bin men?

Ahh OP you are tying yourself in knots trying to understand his behaviour. It’s exhausting to read about nevertheless mind to live it.

All that time and mental energy trying to figure out why he’s “stressed” or why he’s sulking when you ask him to pick up his socks or informing him advance about your plans in case he gets mad. Pffffffft seriously?

Now he wants reassurance about some male colleagues?? How can you put up with this rubbish?

Plus - If he’s not paying rent how come he can’t afford his own car??

Oh OP, as @DancesWithDucks says, there are just lots of endless red flags in your posts that you are only maybe now starting to recognise.

The thing about rent. I think if I had wanted DP to pay rent it would quickly have been a contentious issue though - as DP made it clear early on that he wouldn't consider it fair to pay rent unless he was named on the property and mortgage. This one is HUGE for me. I mean, on what planet does he think it's okay that he is saving money while you're not? Don't get me wrong, I would not suggest for one second that he should be paying half the mortgage - he's right that you are benefiting from owning the house. And yes, I take the point that he is saving into a bank account of some sort and you're saving into the house... but nonetheless, he earns more than you (I think that's what you said?) and he's paying a lot less per month? As I've said a few times, it seems to me a good compromise would be for him to take on certain financial things as a standalone - eg the new car or holidays.

Of course, as you've said, you're a bit wary about letting him take on things as standalone as he's proven that he can and will use that against you if he wants to. So I guess, from his perspective, "job done". He doesn't have to worry about that any more as you will bend yourself into knots to ensure it's always 50/50.

Also, despite me saying that the "being nice" is an improvement (which it is) there are some elements that seem to have gone too far the other way too, with DP becoming more "needy" / insecure. He's been asking for more reassurance around my relationships with male colleagues for example - so I think that's more evidence that he's possibly picked up on me being more distant and is seeking to reassure himself through these questions... and therefore likely it's that reassurance that he's after when trying to tie us closer together too.

People like this are, in fact, deeply insecure and hide a lot of that with grandiosity, aggression etc. It's irrelevant because this type of insecurity cannot be fixed by you reassuring him. And you shouldn't have to - your behaviour and activities should not be curtailed because of HIS insecurity. today it's reassurance around male colleagues, tomorrow you'll be constantly texting him to reassure him while you're having a drink with them and then he'll sulking anyway, next week you'll find yourself making excuses to do socialise with work colleagues because he's so stressed about.