Coping with Silent Treatment

[baffleddays]

When DP and I have a disagreement he often gets annoyed and shuts down the conversation, by refusing to talk, physically leaving the house, going to sleep etc. If he does leave when he returns he'll often be distant with me, give one word answers, stare at his phone etc. He says he just doesn't want to have to always talk things out, but I feel like I'm getting the silent treatment.

The problem is - I really struggle with the silent treatment. It feels so uncomfortable that often I end up being the one trying to offer olive branches, smooth things over etc. (even if I was the one raising a grievance at the start of it all) just to get the awkwardness to go away. If I do try to tolerate it rather than caving into it it still consumes my thoughts, stops me being able to concentrate on work etc. I often end up replaying the conversation in my mind and trying to work out how it all unravelled.

My worry is that I think I need to be able to tolerate the silence better to avoid the risk of it being used against me... so I was wondering if anybody has any good tips or suggestions?

Thank you so much everybody for all your replies and comments – there have been so many helpful points mentioned.

A couple of you mentioned about being exhausted… that is the case unfortunately. I work full time in a busy job and also have caring responsibilities for a relative – so can be tired anyway even before dealing with any conflict or drama with DP. So all the conflict and overthinking that goes with it is the final straw really to having no brain space or energy left.

I think the fact that I’m so exhausted has been a problem as I think sometimes I’ve chosen to just let things go instead of addressing them or standing up for myself enough as I just don’t have the time or energy for a discussion, fallout, silent treatment etc... so no doubt that hasn’t helped. I’ve also known that DP is frustrated with me being so busy so I think I’ve let my sympathy towards those frustrations cloud my judgement on some of his behaviours. I think I need to find a way to try and regroup my energy and not be as exhausted, so that I can to try deal with whatever comes my way next with DP!

Unfortunately avoiding overthinking isn’t off to a good start today… I’ve mentioned that DP had recently swapped from being quite moody and having some silent treatments etc. to suddenly making more effort – doing more round the house, being calmer etc. And I’ve mentioned along with that he’s been talking about joint commitments like the car, even asked me if I’d ever want to get married.

Today things seem to have changed in a slightly different direction again… my niece was a bit rude to DP, I asked her to apologise which she didn’t really do, DP decided to go out. After my niece had gone home DP told me that he is feeling generally unhappy with everything - so I asked him if he wanted to talk about it, he said no and went upstairs. A short while later I went to speak to him (as I figured it’s not very caring to let someone say they’re not happy and not even go to check if they’re okay?) and he said he was just going to go to sleep and he’d told me he didn’t want to talk about it.

I’m now baffled… how can he be pushing cars and talking marriage in the same week as announcing that he's generally unhappy? Perhaps it's just a knee-jerk reaction to how he's feeling today? Perhaps it's because the car etc. conversations were due to feeling insecure and today's events have made him feel even more insecure? I'm not sure but I do know I'm confused! I'm not even sure how it's ended up feeling like he’s fallen out with me when it was an issue between DP and my niece?! It’ll be interesting to see what tomorrow morning brings…

To respond to some of the other comments, I can totally understand some of the thoughts around rent and the way the finances are being managed… and I can see that it has led to a rather bizarre situation where it’s literally me arguing in favour of making sure I’m paying 50% of everything including holidays, which when I take a step back does sounds a bit crazy - to argue to worsen my own finances. I don’t think it would be helpful to re-open the rent conversation right now but thinking about it over the longer term or thinking about the option of DP paying more for things such as holidays is helpful to have in my mind.

For the vital questions that were asked (@DancesWithDucks) they definitely give me some food for thought. I think the way I'd answer them now and the way I would have answered them at the beginning of the relationship would be different... but with what I know now I can see that a lot of the problematic behaviours I've described on this thread do come up when there's some form of a no happening and / or when he's feeling angry. Interestingly DP tends to be very polite and friendly with strangers - although I have seen a couple of occasions where he's hung up a call or stormed out of a shop if things weren't going smoothly!

It strikes me, that on purpose or not, this man has you on edge a great deal of the time. If he is unhappy, it is somehow your fault, even when it has nothing to do with you. He is moody, which again, he takes out on you and then you are expected to fix these moods somehow by not questioning him (the original sulking) or reassuring him (re your male colleagues) or changing your behaviour (the holiday, time off etc).

The issues with your younger family members might just be because he's bad with children, but it could also be about attempting to separate you from your family - if the atmosphere is unpleasant enough, you might choose not to engage with them as much (or they might choose not to engage with you as much). Which would be great for him - more time for him to spend with just you.

None of this sounds like a happy and fulfilling relationship.

When I was overthinking my relationship with DH in the early days, my sister once said to me, "if you haven't seen him for a while, when you do see him, do you smile?". The next day, DH came to collect me from the station after a long day. He was wearing the MOST RIDICULOUS and, frankly, somewhat embarrassing outfit and I realised I was grinning broadly as I saw him. I think that's probably when I decided to marry him.

He's pushing you, and pulling you. It will mess with your mind - hence the overthinking. Too much uncertainty.

Been there, done that, eventually got my head straight. And so will you.

This is very much a red flag 🚩 behaviours which WILL get worse once you’re tired down with mortgage/kids/marriage. He is using it to silence you, to have you fall in line. Once you’re tied down he will feel free to do more of this because it will be harder and harder for you to leave.

I think the fact that I’m so exhausted has been a problem as I think sometimes I’ve chosen to just let things go instead of addressing them or standing up for myself enough as I just don’t have the time or energy for a discussion, fallout, silent treatment etc

Yes ... exhaustion makes everythign worse, even in a good relationship!

I’m now baffled… how can he be pushing cars and talking marriage in the same week as announcing that he's generally unhappy?

Actually, he's sensing you've been slightly different, which will be making him insecure (THIS IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILIY TO FIX!) ahem, excuse the shouting.

This feeling of insecurity is quite natural, but it's in response to the conesquences of his own behaviour.

There may or may not be a touch of trying to manipulate you by withdrawing, or taking it out on you.

The update this morning is that DP has continued to be more quiet and withdrawn than normal. When I heard him speaking to somebody else on the phone he seemed okay but definitely more quiet with me. I asked him again if he was okay and pointed out that he seems quieter than usual and he just brushed it off. So I definitely feel like he's trying to give me the message that he's unhappy still but without actually saying that he's unhappy!

Interestingly I'm finding this one harder than when he's angry. I think partly because my natural instinct when somebody seems unhappy is to try and help. But I'm fighting the urge to be the one that's chasing this or trying to "fix it". I'll let him know that I'm happy to listen if he ever wants to talk. Other than that I'm going to try and focus on making sure I'm behaving in what I believe is the right way, regardless of what behaviours are going on on the other side. This is really not easy though!

This feeling of insecurity is quite natural, but it's in response to the conesquences of his own behaviour.
It definitely helps to have the reminder that I'm not responsible if he's feeling insecure! I did have a good dose of self-doubt earlier today.

He's pushing you, and pulling you - It does feel like a bit of a rollercoaster over here at the moment unfortunately.

When I was overthinking my relationship with DH in the early days, my sister once said to me, "if you haven't seen him for a while, when you do see him, do you smile?"
This is an interesting question to think about. When things are good - yes. Recently, if I'm honest with myself, my first reaction is to try and assess what mood he's in.

I’m now baffled…

That's sort of the point. You're supposed to be rushing to over compensate and make him happy now. That's what he wants from you.

The chances are he doesn't fully understand his behaviour either. But nonetheless, it's annoying.

Like a PP I also wonder if he's trying to alienate you from your family. he might not even be doing it consciously - but if you spend less time with them, then a) they can't influence you and b) he gets more of your time.

But what is he unhappy about!? So he's moping around the house like wounded puppy but can't/won't tell you why? Honestly, I just can't be assed with that. In our house, if someone is just generally miserable and doesn't want to talk about it, they must take themselves off somewhere to deal with - I'm not going to be tiptoeing around with soft words, warm drinks and sympathy. It's fine to have an off day, but don't make it my problem. Especially not in a passive aggressive way.

What are your plans for this evening? Is his mood likely to disrupt them?

The silent treatment is a form of abusive control
something happens he shuts down You then think ‘I must do something/put things right’etc. while he does nothing until he decides to ‘snap out of it’ and somehow it will all be your fault - if it isn’t he will find a way to make it your fault

i would totally ignore this behaviour and just carry on with my day as if it’s not happening
and if he doesn’t grow up and talk like an adult then it has to be over because it doesn’t get better

I think partly because my natural instinct when somebody seems unhappy is to try and help.

To him, whether unconsciously or not, this is a vulnerability which he can exploit.

So one way to change or eliminate this dynamic is to change your own behaviour by NOT trying to help - which you have worked out for yourself.

What behaviour should you replace it with? Well, whatever you would be doing in the rest of your life - whether that be housework, reading, work, etc. - just getting on with things without him.

You are waking up

But what is he unhappy about!? So he's moping around the house like wounded puppy but can't/won't tell you why? Pretty much - not as dramatic as some of the moping we've had at other times, but definitely more withdrawn than normal. When I asked what he was unhappy about he said "just generally" and when I've asked if he wants to talk he's said no... so I couldn't say with certainty what he's unhappy about.
I can guess that it might be because I've a bit more distant, might be because I haven't been open to the idea of a joint car, might be because I didn't follow after him straight away last night to check he was okay, might be nothing to do with me and he's upset by finding my niece difficult... but that's the problem isn't it, that I'm just guessing and don't really know.

The issues with your younger family members might just be because he's bad with children, but it could also be about attempting to separate you from your family - if the atmosphere is unpleasant enough, you might choose not to engage with them as much. I've never thought of it the way you've described but there have been times when I've felt like DP contributes to the tension with my niece. For example, he asks her about things he knows she doesn't really like talking about - and then when she snaps or doesn't really talk to him he acts like he's been wronged. I don't think that was what was happening yesterday but I have thought it before. I think I wondered if it was to try and get sympathy or something along those lines.

What are your plans for this evening? Is his mood likely to disrupt them? He's at a work event tonight so I won't see much of him, maybe for a bit before he goes... It'll be interesting to see how he is for that time. It may well back to carry on as if nothing happened by tonight

So one way to change or eliminate this dynamic is to change your own behaviour by NOT trying to help. What behaviour should you replace it with? Well, whatever you would be doing in the rest of your life - whether that be housework, reading, work, etc. - just getting on with things without him. You are waking up
I feel like I am gradually getting better at carrying on regardless and have been mostly able to do that today. I think in the past I've felt like if I don't try to help it could mean I don't care... whereas I'm trying to shift my perspective now to being that I can care and expect people to try and help themselves too at the same time. I've always found it incredibly uncomfortable if people are upset or angry with me too so there's definitely something about learning to be okay with that as well.

This thread has already helped me so much, so thank you all 💐

He’s an abuser Ltb

So he's felt a change in your behaviour and tried the 'being nice' route, that hasn't worked so he's trying the 'feel sorry for me' route. My ex would do this, he'd swing from one thing to another.

... there have been times when I've felt like DP contributes to the tension with my niece. For example, he asks her about things he knows she doesn't really like talking about - and then when she snaps or doesn't really talk to him he acts like he's been wronged.

What on earth? So he's deliberately trying to make your niece feel uncomfortable?

So he's felt a change in your behaviour and tried the 'being nice' route, that hasn't worked so he's trying the 'feel sorry for me' route.

He briefly spoke to me last night to explain some of the reasons he’s feeling low in mood. He said the niece thing had upset him because he feels sad that they don’t have a better relationship and feels like she doesn’t bother with him. And said that he feels like I’m not bothered with him at the moment either.

So I guess he’s given me valid reasons now for why he’s been quieter / down and at least he spoke a bit about it. I know I have been unintentionally more distant over the last couple of weeks while I’ve been thinking about everything so can understand why he’d be saying that about me not being bothered with him.

I don’t think overall it changes my approach in the sense that I’m still going to focus on making sure I’m behaving the right way and on not tolerating things that I shouldn’t be - but perhaps do need to be careful that I don’t end up accidentally creating a problem by being totally weird with him.

What on earth? So he's deliberately trying to make your niece feel uncomfortable?
It’s not quite like that - more like he’ll ask her about something fairly normal, like how swimming was or if she’s ready for school, but as an anxious teenager those conversations sometimes don’t get a positive reaction from my niece. I’ve suggested to him to try talking about TV and things more casual like that instead but then he quite often brings up swimming or school instead and then is upset when he gets a negative reaction. It’s frustrating.

"He briefly spoke to me last night to explain some of the reasons he’s feeling low in mood."

So it's still all about him then...

The main problem looks to me that he's not interested in YOUR feelings. He doesn't intend to work on improving your relationship if it involves any criticism of himself. You're exhausting yourself trying to appease him, change what you do or say, make all the adjustments etc while he's only focused on himself.

He's not going to self-reflect like you do, he's not going to tolerate any critical feedback on his behaviour and he's definitely not going to change (other than superficially or temporarily to get what he wants).

I think you know you deserve a better partner but you have an inner voice that keeps telling you it's YOU who needs to accommodate HIM.

Nobody can tell you what's best for you but I hope you'll put your energy into working on your own self esteem to give you the strength to create a better future for yourself that doesn't include being abused by this man.

No, those feelings are not valid. Hes painting himself as the victim (again) so that you feel sorry for him.

Putting his feelings on a child?! What an absolute wanker. Sorry. I am an actual parent (not a random male partner of someone else's children so arguably, far morr.emotionally invested) and yes, sometimes my children's behaviour or attitude makes me a bit upset. But you know what? I never blame them or make it their problem. If they are doing something rude etc, sure, I step in. But if 13 year old ds is going through a phase of not really talking to me I just make sure he knows the door is always open and carry on as normal.

ExBIL did this sort of thing all the time. "Oh, I can't do bedtime because they prefer you" and, insanely, managed to pitch it as something SIL should feel sorry for him for.

His behaviour will ramp up now that he's realised you are on to him. As he sounds more and more like my exBIL with every post I will say that you noticing these behaviours doesn't make him think, "shit, what is wrong, how can I change?" But rather, they will ramp up his, "I'm a victim, I need more help and support" mindset. Be prepared for him to increase his efforts to get you to prove you love him or to reassure him. Any plans you have without him will be quizzed even more than normal. Perhaps he will be "sad" because he was hoping for more time to "reconnect" after this recent issue etc etc.

I have to admit that I don't know how you survive dealing with a man baby. Someone sulking, walking with a long face, a constant victim is so unattractive.

But then, that's partially while exBIL hates me with the passion of a thousand suns.

@Shetlands makes an excellent point there - it is still all about him.

When is he going to consider your feelings?

And, lovely Baffledays, when are you going to give your own feelings equal weight with his?

You can take a horse to water

Give her a chance, she's got a lot to come to terms with and needs time to think! :)

Thank you everybody. Today has been hard, especially in terms of trying to get my head together. I think there’s probably more happened today than I can even remember let alone write in a post, but to give you an idea:

Things were already a bit strained from yesterday.
DP got a stressful phone call early this morning which added to the stress and so he went out for a walk.
When he came back I thought he sounded peed off when he spoke to me so I asked him if he was okay and said that his voice sounded annoyed. He immediately got frustrated - said for gods sake and started shaking his head.
I explained that I just wanted to check he was okay. At this point he was getting more frustrated, told me I was being smothering, so I left the conversation. From the next room I then heard his phone ringing again and I could hear him saying to himself “will everybody please just stop” in a genuine distressed type way. I also saw at one point that he was rubbing at his own head. He said he couldn’t cope and went back out. My head was reeling, I didn’t even know how to process everything that was happening. I sobbed after he left. I called a friend and she asked whether he needs to see a dr.

Fast forward to later in the day when he was back and we talked some more… he said again about all the things he’s struggling with and said that he’s not coping. He said he has been wondering whether the relationship needs to end (I think it was him that mentioned that first) but he doesn’t know for sure if thats the right thing. It was pretty much left there for now.

Right now my head is spinning. I know it must seem so crazy to people reading this thread that I wouldn’t just say okay that’s fine let’s split up then… as rationally when I’m talking to all of you I can see there are things going on that aren’t right. But when I’m there in the moment it’s so hard.

I think it’s hard because the end of the relationship isn’t really what I wanted… i wanted it to work, I’m just having to accept that it might not. I think it’s also hard because in those moments it’s hard not to see stress as a big driver of the problem (I’m going to go back to that part of the thread and re-read the wise words I got in response to that).

Reading through your last replies tonight has been helpful:

So it's still all about him then... The main problem looks to me that he's not interested in YOUR feelings. He doesn't intend to work on improving your relationship if it involves any criticism of himself.
This is a helpful reminder as it does make me reflect on a horrendous day today and see that it’s pretty much all been about his feelings of unhappiness.

you have an inner voice that keeps telling you it's YOU who needs to accommodate HIM. Absolutely, it’s not conscious but I can see that I’m doing this. Im wondering if it’s a fear of being rejected thing.

But rather, they will ramp up his, "I'm a victim, I need more help and support" mindset. Be prepared for him to increase his efforts to get you to prove you love him or to reassure him.
This is tricky as today was clearly all about him struggling, so fits with this. But it seems so genuine that he’s struggling. And he certainly seems to be heading down the ending things route rather than chasing reassurance.

I have to admit that I don't know how you survive dealing with a man baby.
It’s not easy when he’s being like that, it absolutely makes me feel so much more distant from him. I think it’s the fact that he isn’t always like that and it’s certainly a long way removed from who he used to be - it means you have hope then of the other person “coming back”.

when are you going to give your own feelings equal weight with his?
I am getting there with at least trying to do this. Todays conversations have at least showed me that he would have no guilt at all about ending the relationship if he wanted to so I know I need to try and get rid of any guilty feelings I have about that too. Trying to work out what I’m actually feeling right now (other than tired and confused!) is proving quite tricky though. I wish I’d had more time to get my thoughts clear before all this came to a head. Hopefully tomorrow will be a clearer day!

You keep asking him about his feelings, based on a perceived tone of voice.

Let me repeat my earlier point in response to this
I think partly because my natural instinct when somebody seems unhappy is to try and help.

Just leave him be. Don't try to second guess his moods. Just get on with your life, he can talk to you if and when he wants.

Stop thinking, and do something to fill your mind, silly telly sometimes does this for me, or MN Classics. Let the processing happen in your unconscious.

Take your time

Just leave him be. Don't try to second guess his moods. Just get on with your life, he can talk to you if and when he wants.
Thank you. I did feel very frustrated yesterday as I’ve been trying to take that leave him to it approach and then ironically only asked him yesterday if he was okay because the day before he’d said he felt like I wasn’t bothering with him. For him to then be annoyed I asked. Lesson learnt for me!

Stop thinking. Take your time - I think you’re right that I’m going to have to try and stop thinking and just “be” for a day as I’m too confused to think straight anyway. I have plans with family today so at least that should be a distraction. I just hope things with DP today allow that breathing space without making things worse

It reads like you are hyper focused on his every mood, sigh, gesture. But you have no time to think about what you want / feel.

This is not a coincidence - if you spend all your time thinking about is he stressed and what did that tone of voice mean etc, then you have no time to think “well this is crap, I’ve had enough of this”.

Try googling Sick Systems and see if that resonates.