Coping with Silent Treatment

[baffleddays]

When DP and I have a disagreement he often gets annoyed and shuts down the conversation, by refusing to talk, physically leaving the house, going to sleep etc. If he does leave when he returns he'll often be distant with me, give one word answers, stare at his phone etc. He says he just doesn't want to have to always talk things out, but I feel like I'm getting the silent treatment.

The problem is - I really struggle with the silent treatment. It feels so uncomfortable that often I end up being the one trying to offer olive branches, smooth things over etc. (even if I was the one raising a grievance at the start of it all) just to get the awkwardness to go away. If I do try to tolerate it rather than caving into it it still consumes my thoughts, stops me being able to concentrate on work etc. I often end up replaying the conversation in my mind and trying to work out how it all unravelled.

My worry is that I think I need to be able to tolerate the silence better to avoid the risk of it being used against me... so I was wondering if anybody has any good tips or suggestions?

But can easily escalate to the punching and kicking, it has to start somewhere.

He is leaving his clothes on the floor and not picking them up. It is entirely reasonable to expect him not to do this. Perhaps, if he lived alone, he would use the floor as the place where he keeps dirty washing, perhaps he would keep them there for a few days before sorting, perhaps he would never live alone as he wants to live in a world where there is always someone to pick up his clothes for him.

Whatever the reason, cohabiting (and co-parenting even more so), requires communication and compromise. Neither people in a couple should expect the other to have to do things how they prefer, but both need to agree how to navigate differences in habits, views, expectations etc. as and when they arise.

In addition to someone who is supposed to love you acting in such a cold way towards you being upsetting, I expect your upset also links to the incapacity to resolve points of tension and conflict due to your partner's inability/incapacity/unwillingness to engage in joint problem solving.

Whilst his motive for the silent treatment is open to interpretation, his lack of engagement in resolving conflict/ tensions linked to things that make you unhappy isn't. He doesn't engage. It might be helpful for you to think about how sustainable the relationship is if this issue isn't addressed.

I can promise you the relationship is not worth the amount of worry and stress his behaviour is causing you. I've a family member who does this to me whenever we visit. He is otherwise fairly charming, clever and had a good job. However you only have to mishear one word for a miscommunication to happen which will result in huffing and leaving rooms, silent treatment for hours, slamming car doors very hard just to show they are annoyed etc. It is like walking on eggshells after a time, even if initially you roll your eyes and try to brush it off as them "sulking". Honestly it will wear you down given time. I now have as little contact with this person as possible. He doesn't add much to our lives and if he stays with us will always complain about something which puts you on the back foot, despite being almost unable to look after himself. They always have higher expectations of everyone around them than they seem to need to achieve themselves. You won't win anything other than a broken sense of loyalty by staying, I promise you.

Basically this started when he figured he had his feet under the table and you under his control because you were living together so you couldn't walk away. Think about that. Then LTB.

The silent treatment is abusive and controlling but even without that, can you see how disrespectful he is towards you?

He ignored you asking about the clothes and made it seem like you were the problem and he's not taken what you said into any consideration.
Is he waiting for you to clear the clothes because that's your job now?

If you are considering children, he will not be a good father.

No matter how awful splitting up seems to be, life with him in the future won't be any better.

Thank you all. I’m really grateful for your replies and for sharing your experiences. I genuinely am listening and taking in everything that is being said - it’s just a lot to process. To overnight go from thinking it’s somebody not coping well with discussions, to thinking they could be doing it to be controlling and abusive is a big transition to make.

I haven’t had chance to google emotional abuse or read the thread / link that’s been shared yet today but I will do that tonight. Hopefully it will help with some of the confusion I’m feeling right now.

There are of course times when he can hold a conversation (normally not about him), times when we get on well and he can be kind. There are times when it’s not a “punishing” silent treatment but he goes out to recompose as he’s feeling stressed and then comes back fine… so because all of that is going on too it makes the silent treatments feel more confusing.

It is becoming clearer though that this can’t carry on. That we need to be able to resolve things. That I’ve been feeling suffocated not being able to speak and that can’t carry on. And it’s a good point about his behaviour being disrespectful to have just ignored me and carried on leaving his clothes on the floor anyway. So I know there’s a lot here that I need to think about and face up to. As scary as that is.

My mum ignored me for years from as young as I can remember 3 possibly earlier days turned into weeks months then years it fucks your head in get out op

Walk away OP. It’s abuse and he has probably learned this behaviour from his own parent. It only lasts hours as you back down.

You really don’t need this shit in a relationship.

@baffleddays are you married to my ex-husband? His record for not speaking to me was three weeks.
It's abusive behavior.
You need to leave.

I used to give the silent treatment a lottttt and try to catch myself when I feel like I’m starting to do it. Ultimately I realised that it was manipulative to do this to people and also abusive. It’s unfair to force people to live like that

I forgot to say in my last update that when I’ve tried recently to keep carrying on as normal and “ignore” the silent treatment, DP does normally make contact after a few hours. It’ll be awkward, tense contact where he’s still behaving a bit oddly / distant but he may reach out first. Nothing gets resolved still though, as if I brought the issue back up it’d just set it all back off again. So we just eventually end up carrying on as if nothing happened. On that basis I guess it is still me behaving normally that eventually makes the silence and awkwardness go away… I just wanted to give a bit more detail as I know it’s been mentioned a few times about the reasons the silence doesn’t go on for longer

I was close to someone who did this. In time it morphed into different types of diminishing behaviours, firstly subtle and then more overt as time went by. It's disgusting and abusive. I got out.

You have very good advice and warnings on here OP. I hope you accept it and address it. His behaviour will not improve that's for sure.

This is a really sad read, OP. Whatever you think of yourself, every single answer here is telling you that you deserve better.

You just need to start believing that too

The main lightbulb moment that you need to have is that a lot of people who engage in this type of abusive behaviour are NOT doing it consciously, it's subconscious but that doesn't mean it's not abuse. It is abuse. Someone can be unintentionally abusive.
I tried to explain to my ex once when we reconciled that his behaviour was abusive and he just flatly refused to accept it, kept saying he didn't see it that way and that it was 'just my opinion' 🙄 Which is gaslighting at its finest, to add to the stonewalling.

I had to dispense with the idea that he was cackling and rubbing his hands with glee. It wasn't as concious as that. But even if it's involuntary, if someone tells you that your behaviour is abusive... most normal people would be horrified, would want to ensure they weren't behaving in any ways that could be considered abusive. If they couldn't stop themselves doing it, any decent man or woman worth their salt would make a decision not to date anyone until they'd dealt with those behaviours. It's called taking responsibility for your actions.

So you need to really ask yourself some hard questions here. Why are you making allowances for this kind of thing, and smoothing things over/allowing the whole matter to be quietly forgotten each time he does this? And regardless of what he says or thinks, are you comfortable living a lifetime with someone who does this kind of thing regularly? Is that what you want your life to be like? Who cares if he's nice some of the time! This kind of crappy stonewalling is toxic to healthy relationships. It erodes love and trust. No amount of pleasant days can make up for your partner behaving like a cunt in a regular basis. I hope you have the courage to walk away from this treatment and demand a better quality of person. Because people like this rarely change. Emotional immaturity is deep rooted and very hard to unlearn.

Thank you again to everybody for all of your support - I've been reading the links shared and they've been really helpful. I’m definitely going to keep reading more information (online and also in Lundy Bancroft) to try and make sure I’ve got my eyes open and a clearer mind for making decisions.

While I keep getting my thoughts together, my current plan is to try and force myself out of the default “placating” position I’ve got myself into and actually start saying and doing what I want to do more. I want to see how DP responds so I don’t have doubts in the future about whether I actually created the eggshells feeling by over-worrying about what his reactions may be.

If he does storm out / refuse to talk then I’ll tell him clearly that’s not working for me as I can’t be in a relationship where I can’t share my feelings and it’s making me feel very distant from him – so he needs to find a way to start talking to me properly and if he can’t then the relationship isn’t going to work. Sticking with the clothes example, even if he thinks I’m being “unreasonable” by asking him to pick his clothes up off the floor then he needs to talk to me to tell me he feels that way not give me the silent treatment. It’s fine to take a time out if he needs to but afterwards we need to be able to communicate like adults.

I think that “time out” bit will be the grey area that’s the trickiest to judge – for example, it’s feels like a subtle difference between someone going out for a walk for a couple of hours to recompose vs them storming off in a silent treatment. Is it best to judge it by how DP behaves when he “comes back”?

I have also started reflecting this week on more subtle things that happen that I think are okay but would be good to get some outside perspectives on:

If it's not as dramatic as DP storming off, ending a conversation - he's just a bit quieter and less engaged because he's feeling stressed or disappointed about something - I've taken that to be a more normal part of human behaviour? E.g. he's disappointed that I'm having to work late so then may be a bit more subdued that evening?
There was a time when we had taken my nephew out and my nephew was pushing every boundary possible and generally complaining a lot. It was a stressful day and DP ended up walking about 50m ahead of us for the last part of the day and then was very quiet in the car on the way home / for a while after we got home. I took that as him just taking a breather as he was feeling stressed - he was fine later in the evening.

It’s really helpful to get outside perspectives so thank you all for your help.

@ZeppelinTits In answer to your "hard questions" which were helpful for getting me thinking more...

I think I’ve smoothed over it and allowed it to be quietly forgotten for a number of reasons.

I think I really believed that leaving the house and being silent is a better alternative to overt anger.

I knew any tension felt uncomfortable during any awkwardness / silence - but if I tried to push the conversation he would be critical and say that it’s not all about my need to talk. That I also need to respect that he may not want to talk. So I felt unreasonable (and it was impossible) attempting to insist that he speak to me.

When he came back, I knew from previous experience that if I tried to bring it back up again that it would almost certainly just cause more tension (enter responses from DP along the lines of “referring back to saying earlier can't always be about your need to talk”, “why are you dragging things out”, “why does everything need to be a big deal”). Sometimes if I wait to the next day (when things have calmed further) to bring something back up I’ve had more success, but not consistently.

I’ve wondered if I may have done something to cause the upset in the first place – for example is he right that I’m being too critical by pointing out things that he’s done / not done rather than just letting them go? Is he right that I need to have an opinion on everything when sometimes it would be easier to just agree? (I’ve heard something similar from a previous DP too, which adds to the doubt even more).
(I know now that I was missing the point that even if I have done something to cause the upset, we still need to be able to talk about it properly not deal with it through sulking).

So there are lots of reasons why we’ve got to where we are now… but thankfully I can see now that I can’t carry on like that.

It sounds like you've reflected a lot about the relationship and also got into a pattern of blaming yourself for mismanaging him or somehow causing this kind of behaviour. What is he doing to help to break this damaging dynamic between you? That's the tell-tale sign that helps to know if you are dealing with a lovely, kind and emotionally mature person who simply hasn't learned how to deal with conflict well, vs a nasty, self-obsessed arse who expects the world to fit in around him and has very low empathy levels or ability to regulate either his emotions, or his behaviour. I was in an identical relationship to what you have described, and left. I concluded my ex fell into the latter category. Everyone I spoke to about leaving agreed I had done absolutely everything I possibly could to make it work. I just could not have done more. I was working with an unworkable-with person. It was soul-destroying in the end.
But there is perhaps a world in which that relationship could have worked, and that would have looked like: having a partner who is able to handle feedback, who is absolutely bombproof levels of reliable at coming back to a discussion as agreed after taking a short break if one is needed, because they WANT to discuss it further. They want to get it cleared up, because they know it matters to you, they care about you and want to understand your perspective. Someone who is 100% committed to working on their own issues and has already made strides in this because personal growth is something they’ve prioritised in their life before meeting you, and they are really committed to leaving behind damaging or destructive relational patterns they learned in early life. Is your partner this kind of person?

I strongly recommend you check out the following resources:

The Secure Relationship. She's on FB and has also just written a book. She really understands this stuff. I concluded in the end my ex was abusive, but reading so many of her posts about how normal, kind people work out this kind of relationship pattern actually helped to see that my partner wasn't capable of the kinds of things she was suggesting. That he wasn't committed to doing this work. Maybe you'll be able to have a similar epiphany?
https://www.facebook.com/thesecurerelationship

Jimmy on Relationships. He's on youtube and his videos are absolute gold. They have made me laugh so much, but also realise why my relationship was never going to be salvageable. I can't recommend his videos enough, they are so very good. Check out the popular ones, and also take a look at the Shorts as they are more accessible, and he is excellent at distilling wisdom into small segments.
https://www.youtube.com/@JimmyonRelationships

Good luck to you, @baffleddays - I hope you are able to get the perspective to see that most of what is happening here is because your partner is behaving in some really unpleasant, unhealthy ways, and that isn't on you. You can only do your part: the other half of effort, consideration, gentleness, thoughtfulness, etc etc has to come from him. And if he's unintentionally emotionally abusive, he's not going to be capable of that, now or in the future.

This video is particularly good. I don't think this is 100% realistic, but I think it's pretty much how respectful coupledom can and should look:

this

So he sometime says to you 'why does everything have to be a big deal'???

He's the one walking away, sulking, punishing you with silent treatment when all you want is a very normal adult conversation. HE'S the one who makes a big deal of things.

If he was telling you the truth, and his walking away is to stop him shouting, I'd ask yourself
-why does he feel the need to shout when you're talking about very normal issues / raising reasonable concerns? (for example, why does he find it overwhelming when you ask him to stop leaving his clothes on the floor?)
-why when he comes back doesn't he restart the conversation?

In any case, why does he dismiss your feelings? Why doesn't he think they are important? How come he thinks it's OK to ignore you / walk away / sulk for hours?

At best he's ridiculously selfish and immature. But actually I'm confident he's plain abusive. Either way, not a man to stay with.

OP, it's good you're reflecting on this. I had missed that my example re the underpants/socks on the floor was a pretty accurate case study as I would have come back and said that you are on a slippery slope to increased controlling behaviour in which you will aim to pre-empt anything that makes him behave like this.

And then today:

f it's not as dramatic as DP storming off, ending a conversation - he's just a bit quieter and less engaged because he's feeling stressed or disappointed about something - I've taken that to be a more normal part of human behaviour? E.g. he's disappointed that I'm having to work late so then may be a bit more subdued that evening?

Let me ask you this: do you find yourself rushing to finish something at work/ending conversations/worrying that the trains/bus are delayed as a result of the knowledge he will be upset if you're late? Do you decline invitations for a spontaneous drink after work because you know it will make him unhappy? If you are having a drink or dinner with a friend, do you find yourself apologising to him for leaving him at home? Are you on edge waiting for him to text? Or perhaps prepared for him to be "subdued" on your return?

This behaviour will only get worse I'm afraid. And he will never own it or acknowledge it. After all, it's not HIS fault that he gets upset that he can't see you on the evening or that he's disappointed that the plan to have dinner together early was ruined by that late meeting you had to do. So what, he shouldn't' have feelings about this stuff?

PS taking yourself off for a walk to calm down after an argument is fine. Coming back in a mood, "subdued", angry etc is not, especially if you're not willing to discuss it.

I think Jimmy (video attached) sums up that love is not enough to sustain a relationship, you need more.

His video was reposted on The Gottman Institute's channel, they have been studying relationships for decades. Your partner falls into at least 2 of the 4 horseman of the apocalypse meaning there is a 90% chance your relationship will fail due to his behaviour, silent treatment and eye rolling (contempt) responses. My teenage sons have been shown this 4 horseman video to look out for it in future relationships they may have.

Jimmy's vid https://www.tiktok.com/@thegottmaninstitute/video/7331064268244127019?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc&web_id=7299406895079835168

And the 4 horseman describing behaviours vid

As others have said, it's fine for someone to remove themselves for a time if they are angry. But when they come back, they need to be able to talk about it and try to resolve it constructively.

That's what makes this abusive. He doesn't try to resolve the problem.

Also .... All this covert rage and cold-shouldering over being asked to do something as simple and normal as picking your clothes up from the floor?

Where's his sense of proportion?