Coping with Silent Treatment

[baffleddays]

When DP and I have a disagreement he often gets annoyed and shuts down the conversation, by refusing to talk, physically leaving the house, going to sleep etc. If he does leave when he returns he'll often be distant with me, give one word answers, stare at his phone etc. He says he just doesn't want to have to always talk things out, but I feel like I'm getting the silent treatment.

The problem is - I really struggle with the silent treatment. It feels so uncomfortable that often I end up being the one trying to offer olive branches, smooth things over etc. (even if I was the one raising a grievance at the start of it all) just to get the awkwardness to go away. If I do try to tolerate it rather than caving into it it still consumes my thoughts, stops me being able to concentrate on work etc. I often end up replaying the conversation in my mind and trying to work out how it all unravelled.

My worry is that I think I need to be able to tolerate the silence better to avoid the risk of it being used against me... so I was wondering if anybody has any good tips or suggestions?

So it's silent treatment or shouting? Those are the only two options? Really? He can't think of another option that is more respectful to the woman that he married?

Have to agree with @anotherdisaster. How much of the rest of your life are you willing to spend being subject to silent treatment?

Tell him you're sick of it and that if nothing changes, the relationship will end (obvs you'd have to feel that way and mean it to do this). Everyone should be able to feel happy and secure in their own home. Home is supposed to be a safe space, not somewhere where you never know when the next bout of silent treatment is going to start or end.

@baffleddays you said ”The silent treatments normally only last for hours rather than days or weeks thankfully”

how long have you been together? Cos it’s hours now, but when that isn’t enough it’ll become days, then weeks

abuse always increases over time.

you don’t mention kids. Hopefully you don’t have any, in which case the only option you can take which will stop this forever, is to dump him.

hes an abusive man. He will increase this and deploy other tactics to control and shut you down.

get rid of him today, no matter how hard it is, you can use the time he’s gone to recover and get over it.

sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do, but must do to save ourselves more damage

this is one of those times

My ex used to do this for weeks on end and I responded by trying to make things right and questioning myself what I'd ' done ' to make him like it. You can't see it when your in the midst of it all , it's only when they've gone that you realise how bad it was. He was punishing me with silence for some thing I'd done not done or said and I'd spend days trying to work it out. It doesn't get better until you leave them.

Do you do all the housework, cooking, cleaning, laundry OP? And work?

What is your division of labour?

Does he work?
Can he resolve issues with work colleagues,friends, family?

Is it just you he chooses to blame for every possible route of resolving anything? He blames you for him not shouting, blames you for something you might or might not do and say, effectively blames you for trying to talk things over and shuts down the conversation.

So what can you do?

You can go on housemaid strike
Sex strike.

Point out he is able to resolve conflicts like an adult with others just not you.

Inform him, just in case he doesn't know, but I bet he does, that silent treatment is a form of abuse and you won't put up with it again.

The list is endless on what you can do.

What you shouldn't do is try to fix a man-toddler. It might mean you split up.

Split up or put up (with it).

My mum does this it’s horrible I left home at the earliest opportunity you should just go off somewhere and when he asks why point out he wasn’t speaking to you so there was no need to tell
him. Have a break doing something you like don’t hand around waiting for him to start speaking again I gave up with my mum and hevr left her to it this time (she said she wasn’t going to be in touch due the foreseeable future) it’s nearly 2 years

He is controlling you. He’s teaching you to keep your mouth shut or agree with him. He’s a shit.

You say the silent treatment only lasts for a few hours but don't you see that's because you fall into line then start reaching out to him and have done what he wanted ie not hold him accountable?
You're appeasing him when he's the one who needs to change his behaviour.
If you decided you'd had enough of his behaviour and not reach out then it probably would last a lot longer.

Thank you so much to everybody who’s taken the time to reply, I really appreciate it. I’ve been in work so just read through all of the replies properly now and it’s a lot to take in and think about. I’ve always given DP the benefit of the doubt and believed that he’s genuinely struggling with the conversation – and while that still makes for an incredibly frustrating situation, it gives me something to be empathetic towards. The idea that him walking away, refusing to talk etc. could be a deliberate act to control the situation is a hard lens to look through.

Funnily enough, the example given by @GingerIsBest is actually a real example in my life… DP had been leaving clothes on the floor repeatedly so I asked him if he could start putting them away, and he got frustrated and asked why I even need to bring it up. A few months later it was still happening and one day I’d picked up several sets of clothes in one day. So I decided to joke about it driving me crazy and ask again if he could pick them up. He got irritated by it again and this time rolled his eyes too, so I said please don’t roll your eyes at me - at which point he disengaged and started giving me the silent treatment. I offered an olive branch and said can we just carry on like normal and he said not right now, I don’t want to talk right now. I’ve never bothered to mention his clothes again and he’s still leaving them out.

I do wonder if by trying to ignore any silences recently it’s meant that I haven’t been clear enough about how much it upsets me and that I need it to stop. perhaps it’s naive on my part to think he isn’t aware - but either way maybe it’s worth me just being explicit. By bringing it up when it’s not in the heat of the moment / actually happening. As I can see the point made by a pp that if he knows it upsets me and doesn’t make any effort to stop that says a lot.

Im struggling with a huge amount of self doubt around all this- about what has happened to get us to this point, what could be done differently etc. and the idea of breaking up terrifies me because of an awful experience with a previous separation. So I guess there’s a lot for me to process and think about from your replies.

To try and answer some of the questions asked…
We’ve been together for about 4 years, living together for about 1.5. From memory I think this has become a problem while we’ve been living together.
In terms of the dynamic between DP & other people - i don’t know a lot about the relationship his parents have with each other, but I know DP himself clashes with his mum sometimes - mainly if she gives him advice and he gets irritated by it. DP is generally easily annoyed by stuff I guess rather than it being only with me, but presumably he’s able to hold it together at work!

Reading your update I don’t think you are registering what people are telling you. He is abusing you! Stone walling or silent treatment is a classic tactic- incredibly emotionally damaging. So stop believing he would change if he knew how much it hurt you.

He does know, that’s why he does it.

Time to leave your abuser before he erodes you completely

at the height of emotion , he distant himself from the situation maybe good for both of you.

you do have to let him know , both of you should communicate after he calm down. Because both of you need to put effort into the relationship to resolve whatever it is and become a better couple. Let him know it’s where your intention come from.

if he chose not to talk at all. Yes, throw back the same silent treatment.

in fact if it’s me I will even ask him to get out of the house. When he back to normal and ready to talk then come back. I don’t co-habit with a stonewall. The point of co-habit is to have certain extent of social interaction.

I feel so sorry for you. My ex used to do this ALL THE TIME, but we didn't live together so he wouldn't answer texts/calls for sometimes days. He knew how upset I'd get by this behaviour but he got a kick out of knowing that I would be freaking out about it.

It IS abusive, it is horrible and it's not worth going through, believe me.

x

I'll reiterate what other pp have said, he does it to shut you down so rather than compromise with a reasonable chat he does this so to get his own way. You will end up walking on eggshells to avoid the silent treatment and that's no way to live.

My ex did this a lot just after our child was born. Google 'emotional abuse.' I bet he's doing a lot of things on the list.

I hope you're OK. Women's Aid and Refuge and local domestic abuse charities helped me lots. Xxxxxx

The "silent treatment" is both manipulative and abusive. See how it turns you from the adult who is trying to discuss something to the person who ends up apoligising because love and approval has been withdrawn from you until you step back in line? My ex used to do what you describe...leave the room, tell me he couldn't talk about things...so damaging to your relationship.

If you do start to shrug off the silent treatment he will start looking for other ways to punish you, maybe taking his anger out if the kids or pets,(if you have any). The aim is to make you compliant without him having to acknowledge he is abusive

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/invisible-chains/202009/why-the-silent-treatment-is-a-tactic-of-abuse-and-control?amp.

Time to acknowledge it OP .

Its abuse don’t know why anyone ever justifies this on here

I had one of those. It was would destroying. I dropped him from great height. The highs weren’t worth the lows. Of course then he went on the love bombing trail, but I’d lost all respect for a man who behaved like a 2 year old every time he didn’t get a lolly.

Silent treatment is a technique of abuse.
You need to stop the vicious cicle. If he is not able to have a conversation without shouting or sulking is his problem not yours.

I would be considering to leave the relationship, in the long term your self steem and your confidence can be really damaged.

My ex used to do silent treatment a lot to avoid talking about any issues and to punish me for not behaving how he wanted. I told him in no uncertain terms that I wasn't going to tolerate it anymore and he did stop-but instead he would be incredibly verbally abusive and shout so that I would end up crying and leave him alone, then storm round the house in a rage which had the same effect as the silent treatment. He then physically attacked me during a disagreement. Basically the root of the problem was that he couldn't stand me voicing my opinion where it didn't match his and that couldn't be fixed by stopping the silent treatment, he just changed tactics. Leave him.

He can’t possibly be “overwhelmed” by a brief conversation about leaving his clothes out!!

he’s using the silent treatment because it means he always wins. He’s shut you up, he’s still doing what annoyed you, and it means you’re unlikely to bring it up again in case you are punished again. He’s winning all the way. That’s why he does it. He might not consciously think of it like that. But that’s why. It’s horrible, abusive behaviour.

I think you’ve got some seriously rose-tinted glasses on there!

Haven’t RTFT so apologies if anyone has already posted this:

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

This (massive) thread from a few years back (think she had six in total, charting her initial misgivings all the way through her horrible divorce) is an eye-opener and a cautionary tale. From a psychological POV all of them are fascinating but the first contains a lot of references for further reading (and many, many posters’ insights into stonewalling, sulking and assorted passive aggressive behaviour).

Yer man is training you to put up and shut up. Just read the OPs posts if you don’t have time for the whole thing. No abusive partner starts off by being a total nightmare to live with, it’s invariably a creeping barrage and sorry to say - it sounds like your DPs has started.

I am relieved to read you don’t have children. At this early stage, I’d be ‘dealing with it’ by skedaddling, rather than training yourself to not let his behaviour bother you. Abuse should bother you. It isn’t always shouting and slapping.

Great post.