Coping with Silent Treatment

[baffleddays]

When DP and I have a disagreement he often gets annoyed and shuts down the conversation, by refusing to talk, physically leaving the house, going to sleep etc. If he does leave when he returns he'll often be distant with me, give one word answers, stare at his phone etc. He says he just doesn't want to have to always talk things out, but I feel like I'm getting the silent treatment.

The problem is - I really struggle with the silent treatment. It feels so uncomfortable that often I end up being the one trying to offer olive branches, smooth things over etc. (even if I was the one raising a grievance at the start of it all) just to get the awkwardness to go away. If I do try to tolerate it rather than caving into it it still consumes my thoughts, stops me being able to concentrate on work etc. I often end up replaying the conversation in my mind and trying to work out how it all unravelled.

My worry is that I think I need to be able to tolerate the silence better to avoid the risk of it being used against me... so I was wondering if anybody has any good tips or suggestions?

Lesson learnt, from today I have to start speaking my mind and standing up for myself!! And if that creates problems with DP then so be it, I'll take that as telling me everything I need to know.

This absolutely 100%. Because actually, I'd argue that an hour is quite a bit deal at an event like this. We've just had a series of family events as a result of various visitors and in every case, someone choosing to leave an hour early would have been awkward and odd. It's not the same as going to someone's birthday drinks and thinking you'll leave at 11pm instead of 12....

There are other occasions I’ve experienced like what you describe where DP wants to pick me up (and pushes for it) but then that means agreeing a pick-up time that I’d feel bad being late to

I had forgotten about some of these more classic controlling manipulative behaviours! we're so busy over analysing all of this, that we're forgetting the core issues. The sulking. The refusal to accept that sometimes, you get to have an opinion that's different to his. His insistence on doing things that make you uncomfortable or inconvenience you (although, of course, the "for the sake of an hour" is a classic example of this in fact).

what about getting time alone? Going to bed early? reading or watching TV without him sitting on your lap? Any progress on any of that?

Good luck, @baffleddays

Learning to stand up for yourself is so, so vital.

But a deadline changes the dynamic.
If you clock watch, you may cut short shopping, or refuse a drink, or enjoying a relaxing time with family or friends which is still "flowing", (or have to chivvy a nephew to get ready)
Its a constraint, which is only beneficial to him.
He says "we decided", but in reality
You had foreseen issues & wanted to go alone
You would have preferred separate cars
You didn't need or choose the deadline.
Going to sort the dog didn't need a specific time, so he could have waited 10 mins
You aleady know he does not have patience interest in DN.
& finally you have to ask around for a lift home.

So he succeeds once again in controlling how your day rolls out.
You get home apprehensive & the whole day has been complex.
Instead of straightforward and pressured

Should read "pressure free"

I agree - the arbitrary 5pm deadline and the enforcing of it despite the obvious issues that were panning out with DN was designed to send you into a panic.

This is not a nice man. Have you ever spoken about him to your family? Do you think after witnessing his behaviour yesterday would they have an opinion?

Going forward op stop hoping to keep him as a friend.. Nobody is that desperate for a friend surely?
DN is 6 not 16. He is led by the hand to the car next time at the time the adult - you - chooses to leave...

Thank you OP. I'm doing much better but I'll be honest, it's incredibly draining, upsetting and stressful trying to co-parent with an abuser.

I wrote this on another thread about a poster's abusive relationship.....Please read Lundy Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That?'. I used to keep a copy at work to stay safe. This book was pivotal for me when I was in an abusive relationship. It forced me to realise that things weren't ever going to change. I could spend hours analysing my partner and thinking of ways I could try to make things better. However, it's not external influences that causes a man to be mean and abusive. It's the fundamental value system he holds about women. For that reason, it is almost impossible for an abusive man to change. They think it's ok to behave like that.

There's nothing you can do, he's not going to change.

You sound so lovely, thoughtful and kind. There are better men out there who will treat you with respect and want you to be happy.

Thank you all for your replies - as always there's lots of really helpful comments and reminders about making sure I'm having time to myself, not letting deadlines be imposed, speaking my mind etc. And they're all things I'll be making sure I'm trying to stick to and build on straight away. I have been doing better / being mindful of trying to make sure I'm carving out time for myself... I took a day off work for example and made plans by myself for the full day... but I do still need to get better at doing things alone spontaneously as I'm very much still planning ahead.

Also, even with all of that said and the fact that I am trying to make sure I'm standing up for myself etc., I am also getting a growing feeling at the moment of just being drained and fed up with it all. It's starting to feel like too much effort... it's a lot of hard work and being vigilant for the remotest possibility of things turning around.

I remembered yesterday that there's some Easter family events next weekend that we've all already agreed to be at... including my Mum (who's opinion since last weekend of DP isn't great - she text me that night to suggest I get an early night and not to "waste my breath"), and being hosted by the person who was hosting last weekend when DP walked out and didn't say thank you or goodbye (who has also text me this week to ask if I'm okay, which I don't think is a coincidence as we don't normally text that often!)... so I wonder if there may be some awkward conversations ahead!

I have noticed that I'm going round in a bit of a circle at times at the moment with some of my posts and thinking, so to avoid keeping that circle going I may avoid posting too much while I work through that thought loop... but I'll be sure to come back and update you all when there's anything interesting to update on - as I'm genuinely hugely grateful for all the support you've all given me 💐

being hosted by the person who was hosting last weekend when DP walked out and didn't say thank you or goodbye (who has also text me this week to ask if I'm okay

Aaah, I sort of missed the fact that he hadn't even said goodbye or thank you to everyone else too. That explains why he kept asking you about it when he got home ... he overplayed his hand here and let a little of the mask slip in public and now he's scared. I'd be prepared for some minor passive aggressive attempts to make it to be your fault while you're at these Easter events. We often got comments about how work is so draining or SIL and him had had a fight and he just gets so upset...

OP, you keep doing what you need to do to figure out what you want and don't want. Thank you for updating us - I do think about you a lot - but it's 100% okay to focus on yourself and what you need and not be worrying that you need to update a bunch of strangers on the internet!

It is so terribly unnecessarily draining.
I wonder did he get moody because you took the day off? Or did you just not tell him?
I used to just not tell my H what I was doing in free time, if I had a girls lunch or went for a walk, or just sit in glorious un- judged silence with a book, he would find a way to show disapproval & generally it would put the dampers on my day.
I would already be clock-watching to be sure to be home or seem usefully occupied before he got home.

The love is lost, instead of trying to please
Its is a constant effort trying not to displease.
Dont be me !

My wife does this and it drives me nuts. She speaks to me in a horrible way sometimes and I ask her not to. She did it yesterday and when I asked her again to stop talking to me like that she then makes out I am the bad guy and is now ignoring me. I would rather she just get it off her chest whatever problem she as but she doesn't and then makes out I am in the wrong. She will be fine again in a few days but won't discuss anything

HI @baffleddays Obviously, you are under no obligation to ever come back to update but I just wanted to check in to say that I've thought of you a lot over the last few months. I really hope your Easter and any subsequent times have been good.

Hi @GingerIsBest - thank you for your message and for checking in. I don’t have mumsnet email notifications so only just realised your post was here sorry! I have been planning to come back to update when there was something meaningful to update on - to be honest there’s been many times where I thought I’d have been back to say we’ve split up by now… but it just hasn’t quite got there yet. I think Ive realised that my last separation and all the grief, verbal abuse etc that went with that is having a big impact on my fears around this relationship ending though or my courage to end the relationship - so I’m hoping to work through that in therapy which starts soon now.

In the meantime I’ve been keeping a diary of things that have been happening, reading some books etc that were shared on here and am still practicing setting boundaries and standing up for myself more… so I think there are still some positives to share! Interestingly DP has pretty much stopped the silent treatment… perhaps because I really don’t care if he storms off anymore so it has no impact? He is overall still short-tempered, impatient and can be quite critical though.

Sometimes I just choose to observe and ignore it, other times I’ve stood up for myself. There have been a couple of times when I’ve stood up for myself where he’s said things like
“This is the most difficult relationship I’ve ever had”
“In honesty I wish we’d never started”
“If it wasn’t so difficult to leave I would have gone by now”

I had enough of hearing it so last time it happened I said to him that “it’s not that difficult to leave - if you want to leave you put your stuff in a bag and walk out of the door”. He then didn’t say anymore about it and also didn’t leave… its crazy though as the next day after these comments he’ll behave like nothing happened, will talk about holidays etc! I think I do slightly judge myself for not just enforcing him leaving in those moments… but I understand why I’m struggling and know I’ll get there in my own pace.

Thank you for checking in with me and hopefully I’ll have more positive news to share one day soon

Op you’re asking how you can not be hurt by your partner torturing you. Why do you want to learn how to be tortured and dissociate to avoid pain. Unless you’re a US special agent in Russia you do need to learn this. No relationship involves learning to let people hurt you.

This is about your relationship with yourself. Why do you think this is something that can be solved and that it’s a problem that’s yours to tackle? The problem here is you are currently living with someone who would rather hurt you than feel one iota of guilt. You can’t win that fight.

The single most important thing to him is his self image. He’s in a relationship with himself and theres no room for you.

Hi @baffleddays. Sorry - I've been only on MN erratically and on the app so having asked YOU for an update, I didn't see it!

Interestingly DP has pretty much stopped the silent treatment… perhaps because I really don’t care if he storms off anymore so it has no impact? He is overall still short-tempered, impatient and can be quite critical though.

The next day after these comments he’ll behave like nothing happened, will talk about holidays etc!

I actually feel sorry for him, and men like him with these classic narcissistic tendencies. He's probably genuinely unhappy. He doesn't understand why his life is unravelling - one minute everything was great, you were tip toeing around him doing what he wanted, he could easily get you to back down if you ever raised an issue, you prioritised him and his needs at all times - and it's making him miserable. He's lessening the silent treatment because on some level, he's realised this doesn't work. But he's experimenting with other techniques. Again, it's probably not even conscious.

He doesn't want to break up. He wants things to go back to how they were before. But he can't express that, most likely because he doesn't fully understand it himself.

I would just ask you one question - do you ever actually enjoy being with him currently? Your post talks about watching, and noting and thinking. Where's the enjoyment and the support? Where's the fun? what are you actually getting out of this relationship currently that is positive?

Thank you - really helpful and thought-provoking insights as always! 🙂

It's an interesting question you've asked about whether I enjoy spending time with DP too... as I think you've probably rightly picked up on the fact that I've been so worried about getting hurt and allowing myself to tolerate things that I shouldn't that I probably went to the other extreme of becoming guarded in the relationship and even a bit shut-off.

I'm consciously trying to not do that as much at the moment and to be a bit more natural - as I don't want to actually be causing the problems by me behaving weirdly!

When I'm more relaxed we can still have fun... and he's been a bit better on the supportive front. The issue we still have is that we can be having fun and a good time but if things start to go even slightly wrong he still becomes stressed, angry, and snappy etc. very easily and then I can't help but go back to feeling on edge (although trying not to let it affect how I behave). I think if anything it'll be that anger that'll make me chuck the towel in in the end as I just don't cope well with it - be it silence, shouting or banging about the house!

When I was younger I noticed my dad would 'sulk for England'. However, he hated being ignored. Mum would carry on as if he was not there and he hated it!!

Well yes, I think it's not unreasonable to say that we'd mostly all prefer not to be concerned our partner will meltdown if life isn't always perfect and happy. Because whether we want to or not, it means we're constantly on eggshells and second guessing every comment and action.

He sounds hard work if there is a concept of" things going slightly wrong" in his or your mind. If something "goes wrong" it's usually an accident or miscommunication. Life has daily minor irritations. A stressy person wouldn't enhance my life so I wouldn't want to live with them. Your life should be improved by having him in it not made worse

This relationship sounds awful OP and you’ve written an enormous amount on this thread alone just having to dissect and interpret his behaviour. It must be exhausting for you. In relationships like these, you get to the point where the relationship almost feels like a full time job in terms of effort and energy expended. Do you feel like you’re strapped on a rollercoaster you can’t get off, dealing with his moods and walking on eggshells, thinking about his moods and what you’ve done and how to placate or interpret and analyse? It’s exhausting. I have a friend whose similar abusive relationship was so extreme he was even shouting at her while they walked through the car park towards her breast cancer treatment appointment because of some “infraction”.

Of course he won’t end it. He has an incredibly cushy rent-free life, is able to save, whilst pushing around and bullying someone who will just keep on interpreting/analysing/tiptoeing around. You need real life support, and for the scales to properly fall from your eyes, where you see this as the pointless energy drain that it is. Where are YOU in all this? Your life, your needs, your wants, YOUR moods?

I had a husband like this. There was no room at all for my flaws, because I was too busy squashing myself around his moodiness to try to avoid it. It’s no life.

OP, I have never read a thread where an person has so completely bent themselves out of shape to understand their abuser.
What about therapy for yourself to figure our why your self esteem is low?
I cannot imagine how exhausting your life is, such total preoccupation with such a angry ugly man.
You must have enormous space in your head to be endlessly going around in circles about him.
Focus on fixing yourself, because you need fixing and that is the only person you can change.
You certainly can't and won't change this abusive relationship.

This, with bells on!

OP, having just read through the entire thread, I genuinely can’t believe you’re still in this relationship🤯

The way you’re operating with constant analysing and being hyper vigilant is increasingly unhealthy, especially as you’re acting strangely passive and without agency in your own life.

Why won’t you end this for your own sanity and future? Why are you allowing it to drag on and on and on for months? It’s complete madness. The whole post is a little like observing a slow motion car crash.

You can’t seriously believe this is how a LTR should be? Or even vaguely be considering marriage or children with this man?😨

This. It’s my way of no way

Thanks everybody for your replies. I can totally see why people are surprised that I’m still in the relationship as reading back through the thread there is so much bad stuff that I’ve written about… when I look back and think about those examples as a collective even I’m a bit surprised by what I’ve put up with.

I guess the reality here is that it feels so much more confusing than that at the time – there’s always been room for doubt about interpretation, some truth to what he says, or even the fact that he goes back to behaving normally like nothing happened shortly after makes me doubt whether it was a big deal or I’m over-reacting. Plus they're isolated incidents separated by better moments. Of course it’s not all bad – there are periods where we get on well, when it feels more like it used to, when he shows good qualities etc. and again I start doubting whether I’m over-reacting and overthinking about his behaviours. For example, reading back over the thread made me realise that things are a lot better at the moment than they were.

It’s the confusion that’s keeping this rumbling on… if DP doesn’t want the relationship to end then that leaves it to be my choice. And making a decision to end the relationship feels scary, reckless and risking regret later when I don’t understand my own feelings and what’s going on right now. Equally though making a decision that it’s going to work and throwing myself unguarded back into things feels reckless too… so I guess that’s why I’m currently in limbo land!

I am committed to trying to fix myself though so that I can feel less confused and move forward. I have no doubt that I have my own self-esteem and boundary issues contributing to all this. I’ve been on a waiting list for therapy and thankfully that starts in just over a week now so I’m hoping that will really help to sort this all out one way or another. I’d love to be able to provide a peaceful and conclusive update one day soon.

😞 oh OP. You don’t need ‘fixing’. He does.