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Original poster

Single Dad navigating a new relationship.

195 replies

DadOne · 31/01/2024 04:45

I'd appreciate thoughts...

I'm a single Dad with a 10 year old son. I have embarked on a new relationship after being separated for 12 months. The relationship is officially 3 months, but we've been friends for a few years prior, so we do know each other well.

My new partner is 9 years younger than me (30's for her, 40's for me) and for her, she knows that she wants a child and to get married one day. Not a maybe, but it is something that she wants.
She would love for me to feel exactly the same and want that too.

However, my divorce still feels recent, my child is not ready for me to be in another relationship and I whilst I'm open to marriage and another child, I can't say that I'm 100% in as I need to be in a long-term stable relationship with someone who loves me as much as I love them to commit to such important life events.

At the moment, we're not there yet - but I feel we could be, and she has said that she sees and wants a long-term future with me. But is hard to visualize something happening then that is a long way from happening now.

My partner says she can't work on a 'maybe' and seems not see from my side that I can't say yes when I'm not in a relationship that gives me security that this will last - I don't want to go from a failed relationship to another, currently as it's very new. She wants someone who has that desire and want - not someone who 'could do'.
We both really like each other which is frustrating us both. I refuse to say yes to having a child and make a promise - I can see she'd be a great mum but asking for my commitment after 3 months when everything is new seems a bit much.

So, I guess my thoughts are, is this relationship doomed as we seemingly can't agree, and therefore I should let this go so she can find someone who has that exact same want and need, and also (a big question - I'm sorry to add more); I'd be in my 50's as a new Dad should this happen in several years and I'm so concerned that it is too old. My head is a bit of a mess.

Appreciate any advice / thoughts very much.

Thanks

OP posts:
rwalker · 31/01/2024 05:17

It’s time like this that the age gap are highlighted in a relationship and people are at different stages in life
your still get over your marriage
she’s conscious of her biological clock ticking

nether of you are wrong
she wants a baby doesn’t want to waste years in a relationship then having to start look for a partner/dad when she’s mid thirties

your not ready for such a big commitment

tbh the thought of having a child at 50 I honestly couldn’t be arsed
when you come to retire you’ll still have a dependent child your partner will still be working

I’d be cautious that you don’t end up with a happy accident pregnancy

Random30 · 31/01/2024 05:24

I would also advise very strongly that you make sure that you are doing your own contraception too.

you have to let her go. What if you get to 51/51/52 and only then know for sure that you won’t be having any more children, and she is left high and dry.
you are in serious danger of becoming a future faker, the decent thing is to let her go have kids with someone else.

Aria999 · 31/01/2024 05:26

You have to realize that if she spends a few years with you and it doesn't end in family and kids she may have blown her chance of ever having that.

3 months is soon, but think / talk about it with that in mind. She's being entirely rational to ask you.

Mumtime2 · 31/01/2024 05:33

You go at your own pace in your very new 3 month relationship.
If you are being demanded to be or do what she wants then perhaps tell her straight and you need time to adjust to your new life together.
No pressure and what does marriage change in the big picture...nothing except for some social acceptance and conforming.
Each to their own but what is the rush?.
Tell her you have had enough going on and you want to live quietly for a year or two.
Good luck.

pinkdelight · 31/01/2024 05:48

Chalk it up to bad timing and end it now before you both get any more enmeshed. It's no one's fault. You want different things and they're incompatible. She needs someone who's probably younger and definitely isn't in a situation where he understandably needs plenty of time to resettle and adjust for his son and himself. You have those things to rightly prioritise while she completely has to prioritise a partner being ready to commit long-term and to having DC in the not too distant future. She doesn't need to see it from your perspective. It's not going to work, and it's better to know that now and not string out a maybe into the ultimately failed relationship you fear.

You've only been separated a year anyway so there'll be plenty of time to move on and find someone at the right stage of life.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/01/2024 05:58

Chalk it up to bad timing and end it now before you both get any more enmeshed.

Exactly. She can't waste her fertile years on a maybe.

Original poster
DadOne · 31/01/2024 06:14

Thank you for the replies - much appreciated.

It stings as we both like each other so much yet a 'maybe' is not good enough and I accept that. Oh well, we gave it a go and had fun.

OP posts:
UtterlyButterly2048 · 31/01/2024 06:26

Three months is way too soon to be sure about anything. And 9 years isn’t a massive age gap. You are quite sensibly wanting to be sure about how you move forward, but the only way to do that is to give it time. Honestly, she cannot possibly “know” at three months in that you are “the one” and I think her biological clock is making her move faster than is actually sensible, for her. Could you agree together to review the situation when you’ve been together a year? Agreeing to get married and have a baby together after only 3 months would be rash, even without your own divorce and dc factored in.
And, if a woman posted on here that her boyfriend of 3 months wanted to get married and have a baby, she would get very different responses - it would be viewed as a massive red flag. Make sure you are using adequate protection.

Ladychris · 31/01/2024 06:42

HI FIRSTLY I DONT THINK 50S IS TO OLD TO HAVE A CHILD, BUT SHES WRONG TO PUSH YOU, SHE COULD PUSH YOU AWAY, ID SAY 3 MONTHS IS'NT REALLY A REALIONSHIP , AND DEFFENTLY TO SOON TO COMMIT TO ANYTHING , SEX FEELING ARE ANYTHING, YOUR NOT EVEN DIVORCED YET, AND WITH A YOUNG CHILD TO CONCIDER, KIDS PICK UP ON THINGS, MY ADVICE IS , TELL THE NEW WOMEN YOU NEES TIME AND SPACE TILL YOU DIVORCED, IF SHE CANT EXPECT THAT ANS PUTTING MORE PRESSURE IN YOU , MAYBE BE BETTER TO CALL IT A DAY

pinkdelight · 31/01/2024 06:43

Honestly, she cannot possibly “know” at three months in that you are “the one” and I think her biological clock is making her move faster than is actually sensible

I don't think it's about her moving faster. It's weighing up the factors and being realistic. The OP is recently separated and has a 10yo son to consider, as welll as being 9 years older. These all make it less likely that he's a strong candidate for settling down again soon for a committed LTR and having babies. It's not about knowing he's the one, but about quite sensibly suspecting he's not the one and hoping for assurance to the contrary before calling it quits. OP of course can't give that assurance because he rightly has to put his DS stability first before any new romance. Giving it a year only strings things out, wastes her time and results in more instability for the DS and another separation for the OP that would more than sting at that stage. I think she's being sensible and so is OP if he's clear and firm and doesn't mess her about.

JuJuHeyHey · 31/01/2024 06:47

This is going to be a perennial problem if you date women in their 30s unless they are sure they don't want kids from the outset. The biological clock is a fucker.

jeaux90 · 31/01/2024 06:51

OP I have been a lone parent for 13 years. We have to put our kids and ourselves first.

I have been in a relationship for 5 years, we don't live together yet, why? Because we put our kids first.

Blended families etc have to be carefully thought out and done at the right time.

It's only now my DD is almost 15 and through the worst of puberty and DPs DS is at uni we are considering a move together.

Do not let yourself be put under pressure. You and your DD have been through enough.

Might have to throw this one back, sorry!

ColdButSunny · 31/01/2024 06:53

I can see both sides of this. Three months is too early to ask you to commit to anything, but on the other hand she's trying to avoid spending several years in a relationship before finding out that you want different things. Unfortunately I think it's best for you to split up, it's a shame but otherwise you could end up future faking her.

GreyCarpet · 31/01/2024 06:53

Everyone who has posted already is right.

You can't possibly know that she is someone you want to settle down and have children with after 3 months. But if you were 'single' (rather than recently divorced) and didn't already have a child to consider, you would be working within a different set of parameters.

Neither of you is wrong but it is an incompatibility that isn't going to go away.

She doesn't have all the time in the world to see if you feel the relationship is right for you and you can't rush it because of your son.

GreyCarpet · 31/01/2024 06:58

it's a shame but otherwise you could end up future faking her.

It us a shame but future faking is deliberately misleading someone not ultimately realising you both want different things.

Gloobyfree · 31/01/2024 07:05

As someone who has been in your GFs position, let her go.

Tell her everything you’ve said here, let her know you’re happy to carry on, but ultimately allow her the option to end things.

Be very blunt. Make no false promises.

harerunner · 31/01/2024 07:08

Honestly, she cannot possibly “know” at three months in that you are “the one” and I think her biological clock is making her move faster than is actually sensible

Of course it's too early to "know", but it's perfectly reasonable only to get deep in to a relationship with someone who has the same goals and is wanting children too. She's very sensible to be pressing this now given she's in her 30s.

RedHelenB · 31/01/2024 07:31

Surely you know if you'd like to be a father again or if it's a definite no? That's all you can tell her, whether this particular relationship leads to it it's way too early to say.

rwalker · 31/01/2024 07:34

I missed the bit where you’ve only been in relationship 3 months

run for the hills before there’s an unplanned pregnancy

pinkdelight · 31/01/2024 07:35

@RedHelenB telling her he's open to having more kids is misleading even if it's true. It doesn't mean he actively them any time soon or with her, so it's still effectively a mainly, but more future fakey than a definite no that at least lets them both move on.

pinkdelight · 31/01/2024 07:36

pinkdelight · 31/01/2024 07:35

@RedHelenB telling her he's open to having more kids is misleading even if it's true. It doesn't mean he actively them any time soon or with her, so it's still effectively a mainly, but more future fakey than a definite no that at least lets them both move on.

Maybe not maybe. And there's a missing want. Can't seem to edit on this phone.

ZekeZeke · 31/01/2024 07:38

She might not stop at 1, she may want more.
Do you even want more children?
If not, don't string her along. Date a woman your own age who either has completed or doesn't want a family.

SecondUsername4me · 31/01/2024 07:39

I think you need to end it. She is fine to have clear expectations on what she wants from her relationship, and you are fine to say that you cannot guarantee you'll ever be in a position to give her those things.

End it.

Kosenrufugirl · 31/01/2024 07:41

I can see both sides with her biological clock ticking. I think you need first and foremost consider the feelings of your son. At 10 they understand a surprising lot. One relationship you don't want to ruin is the relationship with your son. By the way my husband became a dad for the 1st time at 45, 2nd time at 47. They are teenagers now. He never said it was too hard. They will be on their financial feet before his retirement.

Queenmaker · 31/01/2024 07:44

I think you just be honest and say it's impossible for you to make any promises and it sounds like you are not even ready yet for a very intense committed relationship as you are recovering from your divorce.

Let her go so she has the time to meet the right man to help her fulfill her dreams of children.