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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Single Dad navigating a new relationship.

195 replies

DadOne · 31/01/2024 04:45

I'd appreciate thoughts...

I'm a single Dad with a 10 year old son. I have embarked on a new relationship after being separated for 12 months. The relationship is officially 3 months, but we've been friends for a few years prior, so we do know each other well.

My new partner is 9 years younger than me (30's for her, 40's for me) and for her, she knows that she wants a child and to get married one day. Not a maybe, but it is something that she wants.
She would love for me to feel exactly the same and want that too.

However, my divorce still feels recent, my child is not ready for me to be in another relationship and I whilst I'm open to marriage and another child, I can't say that I'm 100% in as I need to be in a long-term stable relationship with someone who loves me as much as I love them to commit to such important life events.

At the moment, we're not there yet - but I feel we could be, and she has said that she sees and wants a long-term future with me. But is hard to visualize something happening then that is a long way from happening now.

My partner says she can't work on a 'maybe' and seems not see from my side that I can't say yes when I'm not in a relationship that gives me security that this will last - I don't want to go from a failed relationship to another, currently as it's very new. She wants someone who has that desire and want - not someone who 'could do'.
We both really like each other which is frustrating us both. I refuse to say yes to having a child and make a promise - I can see she'd be a great mum but asking for my commitment after 3 months when everything is new seems a bit much.

So, I guess my thoughts are, is this relationship doomed as we seemingly can't agree, and therefore I should let this go so she can find someone who has that exact same want and need, and also (a big question - I'm sorry to add more); I'd be in my 50's as a new Dad should this happen in several years and I'm so concerned that it is too old. My head is a bit of a mess.

Appreciate any advice / thoughts very much.

Thanks

OP posts:

CottonC · 01/02/2024 17:39

@DadOne The situation with the current woman you're dating is also strange. You've known her for years which means you knew her while you were married to your ex. Were your eyes turned? This is also bound to cause acrimony with your ex and possibly your child either now or in the future since it would appear from the outside that something was happening between you and her which caused or contributed to your divorce and your child's home breaking up, so this is something else to be mindful of.

I really hope you weren't emotionally cheating or physically cheating on your wife with this woman. Assuming you weren't, it seems this woman despite knowing you while you were married and the ink on the divorce papers barely being dry (!) cunningly jumped at the chance to hitch her wagon on you with the hope of starting her own family which is so unsavoury and gross. This is not normal behaviour. If someone i knew had just recently got divorced, especially with a child, I'd want to support them as a friend, the last thing I'd do is date them as i know they and the child will need time to heal, no matter how much I liked them.

I'd be very wary if I were you. I'm not saying she's pretending to like you but it's very likely she's using you as a way to have kids because her bio clock is running out. Certainly doesn't have your child's best interest at heart.

Eskimal · 01/02/2024 17:42

Aria999 · 01/02/2024 16:49

@Eskimal she is not pushing him to commit to have a baby.

As many pp including the OP have pointed out, she's saying the relationship she is looking for is one where if it works out, both people will want a baby. If that's not the OP then it's a reason not to continue the relationship.

She doesn't want to spend time on a relationship that doesn't fit that description so is asking the question early on.

If you read carefully, she is pushing him to feel something now (to want a baby with her) that will happen in the future . He’s concerned she can’t see it from his point of view. T
his concern is valid and she is being unreasonable.
i think you need to read the OP again before commenting.

roastedrapidly · 01/02/2024 18:06

If she is ready to put ultimatum's down after only 3 months together I'd say that's a bit full-on. You need to put your son and yourself first for a while and not be out gf's needs right now.

Be completely upfront with her, trust me OP there are plenty of other opportunities and wonderful people out there.

TheOccupier · 01/02/2024 18:58

Screwballs · 01/02/2024 15:08

Assume your partner isnt older than you at all then?

Show quote history

How is that relevant? It's the specific age/lifestage gap in the OP'S relationship that's causing the difficulty here.

Lazyj · 01/02/2024 19:08

UtterlyButterly2048 · 31/01/2024 06:26

Three months is way too soon to be sure about anything. And 9 years isn’t a massive age gap. You are quite sensibly wanting to be sure about how you move forward, but the only way to do that is to give it time. Honestly, she cannot possibly “know” at three months in that you are “the one” and I think her biological clock is making her move faster than is actually sensible, for her. Could you agree together to review the situation when you’ve been together a year? Agreeing to get married and have a baby together after only 3 months would be rash, even without your own divorce and dc factored in.
And, if a woman posted on here that her boyfriend of 3 months wanted to get married and have a baby, she would get very different responses - it would be viewed as a massive red flag. Make sure you are using adequate protection.

Agree completely with this!

Todorada · 01/02/2024 19:34

Hi,

I have joined mn just so I can respond to this topic :)

Your relationship is very young although your partner probably doesn’t feel that way given that you have known each other and been friends for years. For her it is probably continuance of something old while for you is very new.
i can understand you not being able to commit so early. If you are not feeling you are not feeling, she can take your answer or not.
However, the reason I decided to respond here is to share my experience.
Age difference between me and my partner is 14 years. When we met I was in 30’s. We both had kids from previous relationships. I was divorced for few years while he was fresh out of his marriage. I didn’t want to have any more children and neither did he. Fast forward few years I started thinking about having another baby. His response was no, then maybe. I did not insist. His maybe turned into we could try. We have got a beautiful 7 year old boy together. He became dad again at 49.
What I am trying to say is that people change their minds re kids. She could but so could you. What matters is that relationship feels right today. If she is not too happy with your ‘maybe’ that is up to her.
Good luck.

Screwballs · 01/02/2024 19:37

TheOccupier · 01/02/2024 18:58

How is that relevant? It's the specific age/lifestage gap in the OP'S relationship that's causing the difficulty here.

Show quote history

It's relevant because you are being condescending.

καλοκαλoκαιρι · 01/02/2024 22:24

She’s telling you clearly what she wants and what she will be prioritising and respect to her for being upfront about her priorities.
You’re not wrong in any way for having different ones (in fact youre being a great parent) but I reckon chalk this one up to mismatched timings and part gracefully, otherwise only resentment this way lies cos this aint something either of you can (or should) compromise on

Okheregoesx · 02/02/2024 10:40

Why is this up for a debate? you want different things, let her go.

look, if you met another woman you love as much as you love her but also ticked all your other boxes that this current woman clearly doesn't tick, you will be married to her in no time. yes? this one is simply not the one.
@DadOne

1mabon · 02/02/2024 16:48

Run

Mumof3confused · 02/02/2024 17:50

Her biological clock is ticking loudly and she’s possibly right to worry about time running out if she’s later 30’s. You have to put your son first.

It seems you need to let this one go.

anon666 · 02/02/2024 18:32

I'm probably being an impractical romantic, but for me, every relationship has to have an indefinite end.

Either I feel strongly enough about someone to be with them forever, or I don't. I've always known pretty quickly and within three months which of the two it is.

And if it's one I could imagine forever, I'd be devastated if it ended.

If it's the other, then it's just convenience that's keeping me there. I just thank the lord pregnancy never happened in one of those, although I had a scare, the most terrifying thought was having a child in that type of relationship.

Mumkins42 · 02/02/2024 19:42

Please put your little one first. This is the last thing they need. I honestly think you'd be better with someone who isn't driven by their biological clock so desperately. It isn't her fault, not yours. Just give your everything to your 10 year old whilst you have those precious fast moving years left.

Fedupwitheveryone · 02/02/2024 19:43

OP I know several attractive single women in their early forties who don't want any more children. Are you in London by chance? ;-)

KirstenBlest · 02/02/2024 19:46

@anon666 , you can be in a relationship with an indefinite end and be a permanent girlfriend but never a wife.

kkloo · 02/02/2024 19:47

anon666 · 02/02/2024 18:32

I'm probably being an impractical romantic, but for me, every relationship has to have an indefinite end.

Either I feel strongly enough about someone to be with them forever, or I don't. I've always known pretty quickly and within three months which of the two it is.

And if it's one I could imagine forever, I'd be devastated if it ended.

Sometimes it really can come down to timing though.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/02/2024 20:09

anon666 · 02/02/2024 18:32

I'm probably being an impractical romantic, but for me, every relationship has to have an indefinite end.

Either I feel strongly enough about someone to be with them forever, or I don't. I've always known pretty quickly and within three months which of the two it is.

And if it's one I could imagine forever, I'd be devastated if it ended.

I see what you're saying. BUT, why be involved with someone 'indefinitely' if you know that they don't want the same things you do? You can love someone to distraction but that doesn't mean they're right for you or want the same things you do. Much better to know what they want and decide to go or stay based on that. When I met DH I knew that I wanted marriage and children sooner rather than later. So early on in our relationship we had 'the talk'. Luckily for me he wanted the same thing. But if he'd said he didn't I would have broken up with him. And if he'd said 'Gosh, I just don't know' or 'maybe some day' I probably wouldn't have given him a lot of time to figure it out before I moved on.

If this young woman knows she wants children why should she waste an 'indefinite' amount of time with a man who either doesn't or simply isn't sure? If women could have babies into their 80s then fine, waste 20 years waiting for him to make up his mind. But we aren't that lucky. We have a finite time to have children (barring medical 'intervention') so it behooves us to be sure that someone we're spending time with is at least on the same life path we are even if those paths end up 'diverging' at some point.

I'm not saying that OP needs to say yea or nay right now. "I don't know" is a valid answer. But at least it's an answer that this young woman can use to decide whether or not she wants to wait until he's figured things out and take the chance that his decision is 'no'.

changeme4this · 02/02/2024 20:20

I think it’s too early to make fixed plans yet you will/should have some idea whether it’s appealing or not, if you have alarm bells after knowing her as a friend, I don’t think they are going to go away.

and I can see her point too…

Your son may never be ready for you to move on, and you are a package deal.

Best be honest and tell her what you have said here. It’s not going to be easy, esp when you care for the person as a friend.

threatmatrix · 02/02/2024 20:23

You are absolutely right. Stick to your guns. It could end up another single parent. You are being very sensible

pollymere · 02/02/2024 21:17

I never had relationships I couldn't see lasting long term. You don't have to know for certain that it will; it's more about knowing that you would like to try. My DH was very much into not looking into the future and not knowing how long things will last but enjoying the moment. We've been together 27 years on that basis 😂. If you can say "I'd like that too" you can let your more practical side have the "it's all a bit early to know" thing. Don't lose a relationship on semantics. Unless you definitely know you don't want marriage and kids in your future of course!

retirementrocks · 02/02/2024 21:27

If you make each other happy right now, than enjoy. 3 months is a very short time in which to make such big decisions.

Jack80 · 02/02/2024 22:35

You need be honest again and say you could maybe try getting to 6 months see how you feel a year max see if your ready then.

OldPerson · 02/02/2024 23:10

You don't put pressure on someone else after only 3 months. It's good to be open and honest about goals and values - but not to coerce other people into following your goals, if they want something slightly or fundamentally different. I bet you wouldn't want your son as a teenager or young twenty-something to announce he has decided to have a baby with a girlfriend of 3 months! Seriously what would you advise your son to do? I'd spend the next 12 months keeping your son centre of your life. And also doing all kinds of stuff with your girlfriend to really get to know her, her values, her strengths as a person and weaknesses. And whether you're the man of her dreams, or she's just settling for a husband and a baby.

Crocadoodledoo · 02/02/2024 23:53

Lots of attractive fortysomething women out there, OP. Find yourself one of those and spare yourself all this angst.

helpplease01 · 03/02/2024 07:23

Do the right thing. Don’t have a serious relationship with her. Tell her you’re not able to offer her what she needs and let her go to find it with someone who does.
Sounds like you and your son need some time to readjust. Take a step back and take a breath.

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