Single Dad navigating a new relationship.

[DadOne]

I'd appreciate thoughts...

I'm a single Dad with a 10 year old son. I have embarked on a new relationship after being separated for 12 months. The relationship is officially 3 months, but we've been friends for a few years prior, so we do know each other well.

My new partner is 9 years younger than me (30's for her, 40's for me) and for her, she knows that she wants a child and to get married one day. Not a maybe, but it is something that she wants.
She would love for me to feel exactly the same and want that too.

However, my divorce still feels recent, my child is not ready for me to be in another relationship and I whilst I'm open to marriage and another child, I can't say that I'm 100% in as I need to be in a long-term stable relationship with someone who loves me as much as I love them to commit to such important life events.

At the moment, we're not there yet - but I feel we could be, and she has said that she sees and wants a long-term future with me. But is hard to visualize something happening then that is a long way from happening now.

My partner says she can't work on a 'maybe' and seems not see from my side that I can't say yes when I'm not in a relationship that gives me security that this will last - I don't want to go from a failed relationship to another, currently as it's very new. She wants someone who has that desire and want - not someone who 'could do'.
We both really like each other which is frustrating us both. I refuse to say yes to having a child and make a promise - I can see she'd be a great mum but asking for my commitment after 3 months when everything is new seems a bit much.

So, I guess my thoughts are, is this relationship doomed as we seemingly can't agree, and therefore I should let this go so she can find someone who has that exact same want and need, and also (a big question - I'm sorry to add more); I'd be in my 50's as a new Dad should this happen in several years and I'm so concerned that it is too old. My head is a bit of a mess.

Appreciate any advice / thoughts very much.

Thanks

Not RTFT so sorry if repeating but I don’t think the question you should be asking is ‘do I want children with her’ but rather ‘do I want more children with anyone. I suspect the answer is no and who could blame you? Now mine are teens and I’m getting a bit of my own life back, the thought of starting again with the baby years is horrifying. You also know first hand that children change a relationship and navigating a separation with children involved is a whole other ballgame.

Unless you have a keen desire to have more children at some point, I think you have to let her go.

@TylaTiga , maybe @Patrickiscrazy has read the threads on Step-parenting.

Possibly and it’s okay to have those feelings, but it’s a bit mean to bring it up to a man who is asking about navigating new relationships since his divorce. It’s just kicking someone when they’re done for no reason whatsoever! He didn’t ask for opinions about getting into a new relationship with someone with children, so why twist the knife? It’s just bizarre to me!

I think the problem is that women in their thirties think men in their forties with kids are a good bet- they are obviously into families, got married once, surely they are better than the flaky early thirties type of men who still don't know if they want to settle down.

Unfortunately, many men in their forties, suddenly popular with women, are mistaken to why they are popular. It's not because of their hot Dad bods or their cute dog, it's because they seem the provider/family man type. Now all good if that's what they want, a second family. But many are actually hoping to sleep with thirty-odd years women, not have a second family and bimble along hoping they don't get found out.

Don't be that man. My relative (male) strung along his 40 year old girlfriend with promises of reversing his vasectomy. He admits he lied. She never left, she never had kids. You sound much much nicer than him so think it through.

I also don't want to parent any younger children, so I deliberately don't date dads with younger children (over 12ish ok). Not at all. Just don't bother because I don't want to be doing younger kids stuff all weekend as I did that, endlessly, with my own kids. You just have to know what you want and be prepared to own it (so I end up with either younger men or much older men, because all the 40-55 year olds are so flattered they are being chased by thirty-five year olds without realising or choosing to ignore exactly why they are so keen all of a sudden).

Have you considered dating women your own age?

I think you both are thinking too ahead. You're stressing about not knowing your future and she's also stressing about not knowing her future. The truth is that no one knows.

It's only been 3 months.
Do you both have a good connection where she feels at peace being her current self and ask you tough questions? Do you feel at peace doing the same with her? Are you both attracted to eachother and have a good chemistry? If yes is your answer for both, connection & chemistry, then make a decision to stick around without forcing the future. BOTH OF YOU PUT YOUR GUARDS DOWN TOGETHER WITH YOUR FEARS AND BEGIN TO TRUST THE PROCESS. ENJOY the process! Let peace, be the one who guides your decisions NOT fear.

Wishing both the best ;-)

3 months and she is talking this crap. Huge red flags.

LTB.

Assume your partner isnt older than you at all then?

3 months is way too soon. I would find this quite suffocating actually. Fair enough if she just wanted to know the option is on the table should the relationship progress. But really quite unreasonable to expect any sort of long term commitment after 3 months. Would make me feel like she was just trying to land anyone and you’ll do because you’re there.

You are taking the right approach to this. Three 3months is way too early to know if a relationship will work out and for her to press you is a huge red flag.

The ultimatum style when you have a young child who is still struggling with this is wrong. that in itself is enough for the marching orders to be given tbh.

You are not at the stage where you are able to know if you want another child. you may never be at that stage, so perhaps that is the take to take with her. I can't promise what I have no idea if I want to give and it's not fair on either of us to pressure the other one.

DO NOT SLEEP WITH HER AGAIN UNPROTECTED, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. the last thing your kid needs is a happy accident and i don't like the sound of her tbh.

I'm older than you and have a child. I did quite a bit of OLD and learned some very important things along the way. The main thing was when meeting/getting to know someone, for me - personally - I'd not even have it on the radar as a relationship until at least 6 months. Then I would see where we were, no expectations, no promises, no pressure. Another evaluation I'd have at 1 year. Then for me it's a 'thing' it's then I would look at where it would potentially go, then i would start to look to plan things as a pair. All of this was in my head, I would stay chilled and not get too invested too quickly. This is key. There is no fire as far as you are concerned. I'd worry that her desperate rush to tie you down is masking some very deep and unpleasant traits. a relationship needs to develop over time and it needs time to grow. Even the most devious abuser can usually only sustain the pretense of being normal for 12-18m so within these kinds of time frames, best to stay level headed and in control of what is happening in your life.

OLD makes people future fake and generate a level of intensity and intimacy that just is not real. I get that she is in a rush, but that is not your fault and it certainly isn't your son's fault either. He needs space. You have to focus on him atm, make sure he's good and build a new life with you and him first and foremost.

Why don't you give the relationship one year and then you decide if the woman is a keeper.If not you break up.
Your girlfriend needs to not waste her time waiting for years to find out whether you see a long term future with her.
Honesty is the kindest way forward.

3 months is definitely a short amount of time, so I understand why you’re hesitant - I’d be as well.

What’s the rush if she’s early 30’s??? If she feels like her clock is ticking then maybe she should move on and find someone who will get her pregnant asap??

She wants someone who definitely wants marriage and kids someday and her someday is relatively soon.

Best you can offer is maybe someday and your someday is further down the line.

All you can do is be honest. Your future plans don't match and that's OK. It doesn't mean either of you are wrong. Also doesn't mean she doesn't see your pov. She needs to look out for herself. You need to look out for yourself and your family. Sometimes timing is a bitch.

She's not asking for a baby right now. She wants to know if that is an option in the future. 3 months in is the perfect time to discuss that.

This is a tricky one. You are both right.

but I’m not sure you’re talking about the same thing.

i don’t think anyone - regardless of age- would know if they’re ready to settle down with anyone after only 3 months. In that sense your gf isn’t being rational. She’ll never find a partner if they need to commit three months in.

However is that what she’s really saying? It sounds like she wants to know that IF it works between you, you’d be prepared to get married again and have another child.

if it’s something you’re open to, then this relationship is about as viable as any other theoretical one she could be having.

couldn’t you both give it a year to see how it goes, then make a decision? If I were her friend, I’d tell her to give it a year.

As a mid 30s woman just recently out of similar situation (that lasted 3 years - I didn’t know if I wanted kids to start and now I’m sure I do ) I don’t think after 3 months this is a red flag…. She’s switched on… she hasn’t any time to waste.

After 3 months you do kind of know enough about the other person. he should move on and find someone on the same page as him for now who wants to date and have fun…. he’s had children she hasn’t.

What if the gender roles were reversed? Would it be hard on the woman who’s just come out of a long term relationship…. No the man wouldn’t give two hoots and would always prioritise his own goals.

why shouldn’t she. Better she’s been upfront after 3 months!

You have maturity and experience she doesn’t have. You are living with the reality of a relationship that didn’t work out and the child of that relationship who you want to protect and love and nurture and prioritise. You are aware that you could have a baby with your new partner and live happily ever after but you are also aware you could have a baby together and it not work out.
she should recognise that she can’t push you to commit and for me it’s a red flag that she’s even doing this. It’s one thing pushing a person to commit to buying a house or getting married, even…. But it’s entirely different to push a person to commit to a baby. Marriage and house buying only affect those in the contract. A baby is a whole new life who doesn’t have the chance to negotiate the “contract” they enter into when they’re born.

At 12 months after a separation it really is not unusual to not know at all.

@Eskimal she is not pushing him to commit to have a baby.

As many pp including the OP have pointed out, she's saying the relationship she is looking for is one where if it works out, both people will want a baby. If that's not the OP then it's a reason not to continue the relationship.

She doesn't want to spend time on a relationship that doesn't fit that description so is asking the question early on.

I find it weird how many posters think it's a red flag for a childless woman in her thirties to be up front about her desire for a family before investing heavily in a relationship.

There are lots of sensible and rational replies here all pretty much saying the same thing.

All I'd add is that 'love' is a very odd thing!

I've known men who ended long term relationships, saying they weren't ready to commit, yet 12 months later they're planning a wedding with a new woman.

So there are no hard and fast rules.
Even though many posters here are saying being a dad again in mid-40 - late 40s is not a good idea, there are plenty of men who are older, met someone younger and had a family. They've possibly surprised themselves by being up for it when they thought not.

Here, the OP isn't over his divorce and the combination of a women eager to settle down and have a child is just bad timing.

@DadOne Are you going to come back and say what you've decided?
Is it still the same as your last post?
Do let her down gently, especially as you've been friends for years.

She should be upfront about it and I don't see that as a red flag, but I think her attitude/maturity about it is a bit concerning.

My partner says she can't work on a 'maybe' and seems not see from my side that I can't say yes when I'm not in a relationship that gives me security that this will last - I don't want to go from a failed relationship to another, currently as it's very new. She wants someone who has that desire and want - not someone who 'could do'.

He's told her how he feels. He is unlikely to get any clarity soon. That will take time. The separation is still only fresh. If you meet a man and it's a 'maybe' then that's the answer. She wants a clear yes or no, but a 'yes' when you're being pushed to know long before you actually will know isn't really worth anything.

100% this

Because divorce has sadly become quite common, parents don't appreciate anymore just how devastating and life altering divorce is for a child. Their entire home and and all they thought was secure has been destroyed which affects a child in all ways, including physically (having a childhood forced to live between two different houses and family dynamics), as well as mentally and emotionally. Adults move on but it's the children that have to deal with the worst consequences which is incredibly unfair. It's not only the immediate aftermath, but they've got to deal with a broken family for the rest of their lives and the effect the divorce will have on their own perception of marriage/relationships when they're older.

It's frankly very selfish for any parent, man or woman, to be dating this soon when you need to be attending to the damage the choice to allow the marriage to break down and divorce has caused to them. It's not your child's fault your marriage has broken down and really no parent should be bringing another adult into their child's home until they've grown up and are 18.

You genuinely seem to care @DadOne about your child but have let sexual pleasure and desire for female company distract you from putting him/her first. Regardless of what your ex does, please put him/her first and don't introduce any woman to him until he's an adult. There's no need whatsoever for any child to be involved in an adult's dating life, it just unsettles children even more.

@kkloo he then clarifies:

She doesn't want to have kids right now or get married but she does want to be with someone who shares that same to desire to do that one day.

I think if 'maybe' is actually the answer that's fine and she then needs to decide what to do with that.