Single Dad navigating a new relationship.

[DadOne]

I'd appreciate thoughts...

I'm a single Dad with a 10 year old son. I have embarked on a new relationship after being separated for 12 months. The relationship is officially 3 months, but we've been friends for a few years prior, so we do know each other well.

My new partner is 9 years younger than me (30's for her, 40's for me) and for her, she knows that she wants a child and to get married one day. Not a maybe, but it is something that she wants.
She would love for me to feel exactly the same and want that too.

However, my divorce still feels recent, my child is not ready for me to be in another relationship and I whilst I'm open to marriage and another child, I can't say that I'm 100% in as I need to be in a long-term stable relationship with someone who loves me as much as I love them to commit to such important life events.

At the moment, we're not there yet - but I feel we could be, and she has said that she sees and wants a long-term future with me. But is hard to visualize something happening then that is a long way from happening now.

My partner says she can't work on a 'maybe' and seems not see from my side that I can't say yes when I'm not in a relationship that gives me security that this will last - I don't want to go from a failed relationship to another, currently as it's very new. She wants someone who has that desire and want - not someone who 'could do'.
We both really like each other which is frustrating us both. I refuse to say yes to having a child and make a promise - I can see she'd be a great mum but asking for my commitment after 3 months when everything is new seems a bit much.

So, I guess my thoughts are, is this relationship doomed as we seemingly can't agree, and therefore I should let this go so she can find someone who has that exact same want and need, and also (a big question - I'm sorry to add more); I'd be in my 50's as a new Dad should this happen in several years and I'm so concerned that it is too old. My head is a bit of a mess.

Appreciate any advice / thoughts very much.

Thanks

Let her go.

It's too soon for you and she needs to find someone who will commit to her who is at the same lifestage as her, wanting kids and family now, not in a few years time.

She's in her 30's, not her 20's. She doesn't have time to wait for you to be ready and you have a responsibility not to fuck up her chance of becoming a mother.

There are other women in the world who either don't want kids or have already had them and don't want more or if they might, it's not an immediate want. Find one of them.

Whether it is this woman or another, the question of a second round of children is going to come up. Before you pursue anything other than a casual relationship, you need to think long and hard about if you really want that for yourself and your son.

Far too many parents think that a second relationship needs to come with marriage and children. That is an option, but it isn’t a necessity, and it isn’t always what is best for your existing child(ren).

You’ve not even uttered the L word yet. You like each other but aren’t ‘in love ‘ yet, and that’s fine and perfectly understandable at only 3 months in. It’s also enough of a reason alone to not yet be 100% sure about a big commitment like a child without even taking in to account the recent divorce. You’re at a stage in life where you need to move slowly, prioritise yourself and your child and the new relationship isn’t the number one. I can understand her desire to want security, however, you’re just not in the same place right now through no one’s fault.

This. Well said Pink delight x

This relationship doesn't sound like a goer sadly. It's good that you have both identified this fundamental issue before too much time passes.

Maybe Please make sure you are in charge of contraception. I have had male friends caught out in this way and female friends who have " accidentally" gotten pregnant.

All these people saying 50 isn't too old for being a new dad. Of course it isn't too old. But it ain't young either.
My DF had a second family 50+, I can tell you have zero relationship with these half siblings as I was a lot older and had moved out by the time they were born.
I'm also now of that age and so is my DP, and we both have older teens. The thought (yes ofc not realistic now for me!) Of having a small kid, nappies, toddler years etc is just horrendous. I have great times with my teens and also I am so flexible with work and travel etc. My DP actively.avoided dating younger women because he also didn't want to have all that hassle and be tied down to the young child scene all over again.
I think you are both being very sensible and honest with each other and far better to call it a day now rather than later down the line.

Surely if you both feel the same way about your relationship ie very happy , then throwing it away without even trying to tell each other about how you both feel would be foolish, there’s always a way … If you both end it , there’s a good chance you both will end up with something a lot worse, more so the female considering the old scenario these days..

Go for it..

I don’t think either of you is in the wrong. Maybe just at different times of your lives.

She is looking to the future and wants to know if she will get what she wants from the relationship. I was exactly the same with my DH, had wasted years previously with someone who wanted different things. I was open from the start and explained that I wanted marriage and how I felt about having children. Didn’t mean I was demanding a marriage proposal and pregnancy then just that we were on the same page from the start. Was a bit more tactful hopefully but you get the idea.

Your very newly single and testing the waters. It may take years for you to want to marry again.

If I was her I would want honesty. Explain to her exactly what you have said here. If that’s something she can wait for knowing it may never happen then great if not then you’re both better going your separate ways.

I know not all women are going to be honest so be extra careful with contraception for now.

I think it's reasonable to ask whether you'd be open to those things in the future. However it's too soon to ask you to commit to them now. You and your son are healing and healing takes time. Plus your relationship with her will keep blossoming and you'll get to a point where you know.

I asked my now fiancé whether he'd be open to marriage again and more kids in the future after our second date. And he responded that he'd be open to it so we went for it. We've both been married before and had kids so it was slightly different. But I felt I needed to know before I invented a lot of time into him. So as I said it's not unreasonable to ask but it is unreasonable for her to expect you to commit to it now.

I wouldn’t necessarily end the relationship right this minute unless you’re over 50% sure that you won’t want to do the whole baby thing all over again. It is still very early days in the relationship, your separation etc. Can you explain that just because you can’t give an answer right now, doesn’t mean you’ll leave her on tenterhooks forever, as you do care for her and can see a future. Ask to put a pin in it now, and give it another 9 months say, so that you’ll have been in the relationship for a year, have built stronger foundations with her, and some more time to process the breakdown of your previous relationship. And in that time, genuinely enjoy each other’s company, without allowing this to hang over on you. If she is simply unwilling to wait until Autumn to have this conversation again, then yes, maybe best to let go now.

How old are you both? If you are 42 and she's 32 - give it a bit of time and see what happens over the next 6 months.

If you are 45 and she is 35, say goodbye.

I've not read all the posts but I have read all of yours.

The issue- and I'm sure everyone has said this- is that your wants aren't dovetailing.

If she is 34-39, she has no time to waste.

If she's 30-33 she might be happy to hang on for a year or so to allow you time to catch up with her idea of a family.

And although you say you're 12 months on from your divorce, or relationship, you're not really ready for another one are you?

I think you ought to make this clear to anyone you date in future, if it's obvious they want a family.

Age gaps don't matter IMO - BUT they matter where a women's biological clock is ticking fast and she needs to know what the man wants.

If you aren't ready for commitment and predict you won't feel ready till you reach your 50s, the kindest thing to do is to date women closer to your own age who either have children already or don't want them.

Exactly what I said.

Women aged 30-34 can hang on for a while. But not too long.

Women 35+ can't be doing with flaky men who aren't sure what they want or who say they aren't ready for something serious.

Don't string her along.

Yes, you might change your mind (you're genuinely undecided, rather future faking) but if that's not enough for her, make it easy for this to end.

Right now, you do not want the same things. Don't expect her to wait and see what happens to your "maybe"

I note you said However, my divorce still feels recent, my child is not ready for me to be in another relationship
Have a think about whether you should be dating at all yet. Wait at least until your divorce is firmly behind you and your DC is more secure in the post-divorce set-up

Please walk away. Your divorce is very new and you need time to grieve your marriage ( no matter who ended it) The age gap will widen with every year that goes by. This lady must be feeling that she is running out of time if she is pushing you to commit to having a baby now. The worst thing that could happen now is a "unplanned" pregnancy as this will impact your Son so much. Please make sure that doesn't happen. The teenage years are hard for children, maybe a relationship needs to be put on hold for a couple of years.

My new partner is 9 years younger than me (30's for her, 40's for me) and for her, she knows that she wants a child and to get married one day. Not a maybe, but it is something that she wants.
She would love for me to feel exactly the same and want that too.

However, my divorce still feels recent, my child is not ready for me to be in another relationship and I whilst I'm open to marriage and another child, I can't say that I'm 100% in as I need to be in a long-term stable relationship with someone who loves me as much as I love them to commit to such important life events.

After 3 months, she 's not a partner.

She's a girlfriend.

I have every sympathy with her if she's 35+ but if not, she's moving too fast.

When I re-read this ^^ it comes over as if she's grasping at you and not allowing you time to decide if she's right for you.

She seems convinced you're THE ONE for her but after 3 months (and okay you knew each other before, you said) that seems pretty fast.

On the other hand, if she's not doing it for you and you're not feeling it as she is, will she ever?

It's not that you are scared of a new family with someone, but that you aren't sure if she's the one for you - yes?

We both really like each other which is frustrating us both. I refuse to say yes to having a child and make a promise - I can see she'd be a great mum but asking for my commitment after 3 months when everything is new seems a bit much

I think 3 months is too early to make a commitment to having a child with her, even if the plan is not to try to conceive yet. The relationship isn't long enough to know whether you are really right for each other or not. You also have a child to consider and you've only been separated for 12 months and that's not a long time at all.
At the 3 months stage it is important to establish whether both are on the same page about the relationship and whether both want children or not - or in your case, if you want to have another child. But you can't promise now that you will have a child with her even if you are saying you are "open" to having another child in a stable, established relationship.

How old is she? Is she early, mid, late thirties? If she's mid to late thirties I think you should definitely let her go now so she can find someone else who is absolutely certain about having a child with her. I think you are at different life stages because you already have a child and have to consider him and the impact on him.

You will find someone that has the same thoughts about a relationship as you do. It's better to be honest and upfront as it saves greater upset further along the line. It's really refreshing to hear someone that knows their own mind and won't just drag the relationship out for the fun bits. Take your time and the right one will come along when you least expect it :)

It's sad but the best is to end it with her. She is in her 30s and can't afford waiting around.
I am with you on marriage and having a child not being right for you currently, if ever really.
She was a friend so end it with kindness and no false or misleading hope that you might change your mind be very very clear that you don't want those things because if you say things like 'in the near future, i don't THINK, CURRENTLY' No no no make it clear you do NOT want them because otherwise she will think there is hope with you and she will waste her last fertile years hanging around hoping to change your mind. It will hirt breaking up but its the right and kind thing to do.

In the future make it clear from the start on your online profile or first date that you dont want to have more kids or marriage and consider vasectomy.

I think you're doing the right thing talking about this early in the relationship, she knows she 100% wants to be a mum one day and in her 30s needs to be sure that she's not wasting time with someone who doesn't want more kids. However 3 months is too early to actually start trying for a baby, so a yes I'm open to a baby in a year or two years should be enough. If you're not there then you need to think about doing the right thing by her and ending things now before it all gets too serious, and before it causes too much upset for your son too to go through another big relationship breakup.
As for being in your 50s as a new dad, plenty do it, plenty of grandparents bring up their grandchildren, so if that's the main thing that's holding you back I wouldn't worry too much about i

She can't afford to wait around and your too newly divorced to be jumping into another relationship with baby etc.

I think this nails it.
It feels recent to you because it is!
I don’t think you are really compatible at this point in life and I think you’re right to not jump in head first - you have your son to consider before all.

I think exact ages are relevant here. If she's 33 and you're 40, I'd say that you should tell her that you are not against the idea of a child, but you honestly can't say definitively that it's a yes, and can you see how things go for a year.

If, however, she's 36 and you're 45, then I agree that you need to let this go. Because in a year, if you decide you definitely do NOT want another child (and frankly, I can see that being an issue), then she's that much older and more invested in the relationship so moving on and finding someone new becomes that much harder.

On dating apps, pretty much all men over 45 who already have one child do not want more children. The best they ever say is 'open' to it. I think having second families is not that appealing to a lot of men, but they can't face the consequence of that, which is not to date women who want their first families. Hence, affairs and the man getting into a second relationship with kids in their fifties. It's a compromise situation; they get the younger woman, the 'penalty' is they have to do the family thing all over again. If you pretty much know you don't want a second family, then date women who don't want kids, or women your own age who are past wanting more kids. Or, I suppose date even younger where they aren't wanting kids yet, but that's quite ikky and I don't think those will last.

Men want women a few years younger but aren't wanting what goes with that, I see it all the time. Some end up doing fatherhood around and liking it, but I find it interesting that so many do not want children again and say so on the apps. It seems to be a perennial problem.