Single Dad navigating a new relationship.

[DadOne]

I'd appreciate thoughts...

I'm a single Dad with a 10 year old son. I have embarked on a new relationship after being separated for 12 months. The relationship is officially 3 months, but we've been friends for a few years prior, so we do know each other well.

My new partner is 9 years younger than me (30's for her, 40's for me) and for her, she knows that she wants a child and to get married one day. Not a maybe, but it is something that she wants.
She would love for me to feel exactly the same and want that too.

However, my divorce still feels recent, my child is not ready for me to be in another relationship and I whilst I'm open to marriage and another child, I can't say that I'm 100% in as I need to be in a long-term stable relationship with someone who loves me as much as I love them to commit to such important life events.

At the moment, we're not there yet - but I feel we could be, and she has said that she sees and wants a long-term future with me. But is hard to visualize something happening then that is a long way from happening now.

My partner says she can't work on a 'maybe' and seems not see from my side that I can't say yes when I'm not in a relationship that gives me security that this will last - I don't want to go from a failed relationship to another, currently as it's very new. She wants someone who has that desire and want - not someone who 'could do'.
We both really like each other which is frustrating us both. I refuse to say yes to having a child and make a promise - I can see she'd be a great mum but asking for my commitment after 3 months when everything is new seems a bit much.

So, I guess my thoughts are, is this relationship doomed as we seemingly can't agree, and therefore I should let this go so she can find someone who has that exact same want and need, and also (a big question - I'm sorry to add more); I'd be in my 50's as a new Dad should this happen in several years and I'm so concerned that it is too old. My head is a bit of a mess.

Appreciate any advice / thoughts very much.

Thanks

I'll say to you what I'd say to a woman in the same situation:

Your child has just been through family breakdown, a recognised Adverse Childhood Experience that can have a detrimental effect on their whole future. It's been barely a year. Your and his mother's focus should be 100% on him, on ensuring that your joint failure to make your relationship work damages him as little as possible. Instead you're fannying around with relationship troubles, talking about marrying another woman who he hasn't even met yet and giving him a half-sibling (another life experience that can be fraught with trauma for a child of divorce)? Have a bloody word with yourself.

Your girlfriend knows what she wants and she is on a clock if she's already in her 30s. She doesn't have time to wait for you to do the incredibly important work of taking care of your son's practical and emotional needs. And you don't have time to keep stringing her along.

Step away. Let her get on with her search for someone to start a family with; and you FOCUS ON THE ONE YOU ALREADY HAVE. He's already 10, for goodness' sake, is it so much to ask that you spend just 8 short years with him as your priority?

I think you need to end it unfortunately op. Love isn’t enough sometimes when the timing is wrong.

If you had said “I definitely want more children in the future and I am happy about being an older dad” then I would advise giving the relationship more time and say you would readdress the question of children in a year or two.

But you are conflicted about having more children irrespective of the relationship you are in, and as a woman in her 30s doesn’t have much wiggle room, I would do the decent thing and let her go and pursue other relationships.

whilst I'm open to marriage and another child, I can't say that I'm 100% in as I need to be in a long-term stable relationship with someone who loves me as much as I love them to commit to such important life events.

Surely this is all that's needed at this stage though?

I imagine your girlfriend is also talking about having a child in a long-term stable relationship with someone who loves her - she is not saying she wants a child this second in whatever relationship she's in.

As long as you're genuinely open to it and not misleading her then I think it's fine to say that and that should be enough at this stage. That's not to say your relationship will work out and get to that point, anything could happen when you've only been seeing someone for 3 months.

The relationship is officially 3 months, but we've been friends for a few years prior, so we do know each other well.

They didn't meet online.
I assume your post is relevant if the OP does do online dating in the future @Rumpelslutskin

Other than ten years earlier, this is mine and OH's experience. Its not been an easy road, I am now sat here recently engaged and pregnant after 10 years together, in which time I've been insecure and demanding, and he's been avoidant of my own needs due to prior experience. And then, of course, theres the children to factor in. the youngest was two when he met me, now 12, if we were to have split, thats a lot for the children to process all over again when I was in their lives from such a young age.

Honestly, I wouldnt do it again. I'd be heartbroken if someone had said to OH to let it go but... honestly I think you should. Dont waste her last chance at having her own family on if, buts and maybes. Take some time out from dating and focus on being a good parent.

@DadOne Come back and let us know how old she is?

30s is a crucial decade for women.

35-39 it's too old to mess her about.

Not that you are.

But she's very clear what she wants.

If you're unsure and she's not prepared to wait a year or two, you need to end it.

Hard though it is, I don't think you and your girlfriend are compatible. She is clearly desperate to have children and is running out of time to have them, and she isn't going to compromise on that.

A casual conversation about 'Do you think you'll ever have kids?' or something would be reasonable early on in a relationship, but this is clearly way more than that. 'I want you commit now to having a child with me and it needs to be soon because I'm running of time fertility-wise' is A LOT for her to be asking someone she's only been seeing for three months and if I was in your position I would be a) terrified and b) using condoms. I think most people would not want to commit to planning a second family in their 40s with someone they'd only been seeing for three months. You barely know someone after three months, honestly.

Equally, though, if she desperately wants to have children and she's in her 30s, it would not be fair to pretend that you might want more kids one day when you clearly don't. You are looking for a partner. She is looking for a father for her future children. You know that you are not that person, so you need to end the relationship. She isn't right for you.

It will be a lot better for all concerned if you end it at this early stage rather than dragging this out.

You are right, it's awful timing, let it go.

i hear you. Am in exactly same position. Is a very hard one to balance.
Am still in the relationship and have told her I can have another kid..
it’s in next few years and trying to buy some time.. kids are meeting her etc.
is v hard and terrifying I hear you..

I think you have to be really honest with yourself, deep deep down do you see yourself wanting marriage and more children in the future - with anyone? On the understanding that if it’s not a fairly enthusiastic gut “yes”, it’s probably a no in reality. I would be surprised if most people are not able to answer this question even if they are fairly recently divorced. I certainly could, with a resounding yes, even after a very traumatic abusive marriage (sadly I am probably now ageing out of it being an option for me, at least the children part).

This is the question she is really asking here and I think it’s a fair one for a woman in her thirties who does want those things to be asking even after just 3 months, especially if you’ve been friends for a long period before that so know each other well.

If I was your girlfriend, I would be willing to give things a go with someone who felt that deep down this is their ideal “happy ending”, in the hope that I’m the right person for them. But not if your ideal “happy ending” doesn’t involve these things if you’re honest about it, in which case even if I’m the right person for you relationship-wise, you’re not the right person for me and I will never get my “happy ending”.

From what you’ve said so far and how you’re talking about it my gut feeling is that you actually probably don’t want marriage and more children in your future, but it might be hard for you to be honest with yourself about that when it means saying no to this relationship. But it’s the right thing to do for both your sake if that’s the case.

The only thing that gives me pause is that you talk about being a dad in your fifties, which makes me think you’ve given it some serious consideration and visualised how it would look for you. I personally don’t think being a dad in your fifties is that unusual these days, and I wouldn’t let your biological numerical age stand in your way if that’s the life you otherwise want (wish women had this luxury!) I also think that being friends first is a great foundation for a future relationship. So if deep down this is what you want then don’t allow the trauma of divorce to sabotage your chance of future happiness.

I also can't see any advantage to your existing child of you having a family with someone else. In most cases that I know, the older child doesn't quite fit then within the family. I have known it work, where the gap between the younger and older children isn't too great and the dad is happy to be in the middle of the new family and include the older one, but often this isn't the case. I am not saying never, I'm saying what's the advantage for him?

I don’t think he is genuinely in to it though when he says:

”I'd be in my 50's as a new Dad should this happen in several years and I'm so concerned that it is too old. My head is a bit of a mess”

Just to throw something else in here...

Some women are happy to marry/ be with a man who isn't that keen to have (another) child . They want to be with that man, regardless.

And when a couple get together, there is no guarantee they can have a child.
They get married often with the hope they will have a child, but infertility can make it impossible.

”I'd be in my 50's as a new Dad should this happen in several years and I'm so concerned that it is too old. My head is a bit of a mess”

This is the nitty gritty.

@DadOne If you feel it's going to take you years to be in the right place for another relationship, don't date women in their 30s who want a child and have no time to waste.

This relationship isn't right for either of you at this point in your lives.

Sounds like an mis match and you want different things, having recently coming out of something similar from my early to mid 30s, with a man in his 40s separated with 2 kids…. I’d do the kind thing and end it now!

Mine lasted for 3 years but he could never be fully committed for numerous reasons, and quite rightly the kids were and should be his priority. I thought he was the one. In my early 30s I didn’t know about kids, but now I do and I’m freezing my eggs before it’s too late as I haven’t found a suitable partner yet.

The man is his 40s was confused and/ or stringing me along… one moment said he def have more kids, the other moment he said hes done that and doesn’t want any more. I wasn’t fully open and emotionally available to any other potential partners in this time, and have finally realised and don’t want to waste any more time with someone I thought was the one.

I’d be kind now and end it now so she can find what she’s looking for, she seems very clear about it.

She might find someone else or you two might come back to each other at a later date when you’re more aligned on your goals. A year isn’t that long after a relationship with the mother of your child, I’d congratulate yourself for being bold and getting out there you learn something each time. 3 months isn’t that long so appreciate it for what it was, but now’s the time to end it and move on.

Go have fun! Dating in your 30s / 40s is a literal headfuck but be grateful that she’s clear on what she wants now, rather than get in deeper or do something you wish you hadn’t! Good luck!

Honestly you wouldn’t be posting if you liked her enough. My dh was 40 and I was 30 when we met ( now 49 and 39). He was divorced with children and it was him saying to me let’s get married I’d happily have more children with you. This was after two months. We got married and had a little daughter. Just break it off and let another man step up

If she thinks that you are the one and been friends years etc and she clearly wants a child if you continue a sexual relationship I would take your own contraception as its highly likely an accident will happen.

Yeah sorry I meant in the future and because online dating is very popular just because I think this is something to discuss upfront because of ops agr in his 40s his dates I assume will be 30s and 40s.

Don;t date women in their 30s. Date someone your own age. I would rather swim with sharks than have any more DC in my fifties.

You're not ready, won't be for a while, and might never be.

She is ready right now and doesn't want to waste time with someone who isn't sure what they want.

Break it off and let her find someone who is ready.

3 months is not too quick if you know- my husband and I got engaged after 2 months and have been married almost 7 years. But you do not know.

To be very honest op... You are not at the same stage in life. Be honest. Use contraception or split up. You're wasting her time.

And maybe date women your own age.

Yep.100% and so bloody predictable.

But the op seems to have acknowledged the good advice given on here. He sounds like a good guy.

Just date someone your own age then. Simple really.