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Original poster

Single Dad navigating a new relationship.

195 replies

DadOne · 31/01/2024 04:45

I'd appreciate thoughts...

I'm a single Dad with a 10 year old son. I have embarked on a new relationship after being separated for 12 months. The relationship is officially 3 months, but we've been friends for a few years prior, so we do know each other well.

My new partner is 9 years younger than me (30's for her, 40's for me) and for her, she knows that she wants a child and to get married one day. Not a maybe, but it is something that she wants.
She would love for me to feel exactly the same and want that too.

However, my divorce still feels recent, my child is not ready for me to be in another relationship and I whilst I'm open to marriage and another child, I can't say that I'm 100% in as I need to be in a long-term stable relationship with someone who loves me as much as I love them to commit to such important life events.

At the moment, we're not there yet - but I feel we could be, and she has said that she sees and wants a long-term future with me. But is hard to visualize something happening then that is a long way from happening now.

My partner says she can't work on a 'maybe' and seems not see from my side that I can't say yes when I'm not in a relationship that gives me security that this will last - I don't want to go from a failed relationship to another, currently as it's very new. She wants someone who has that desire and want - not someone who 'could do'.
We both really like each other which is frustrating us both. I refuse to say yes to having a child and make a promise - I can see she'd be a great mum but asking for my commitment after 3 months when everything is new seems a bit much.

So, I guess my thoughts are, is this relationship doomed as we seemingly can't agree, and therefore I should let this go so she can find someone who has that exact same want and need, and also (a big question - I'm sorry to add more); I'd be in my 50's as a new Dad should this happen in several years and I'm so concerned that it is too old. My head is a bit of a mess.

Appreciate any advice / thoughts very much.

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
DadOne · 31/01/2024 08:18

Maybe I wasn't clear - bit nervous posting on here!

She doesn't want to have kids right now or get married but she does want to be with someone who shares that same to desire to do that one day.
I can't do that right now as I'm not in that headspace.

Either way, it's not going to work which is heartbreaking.

But genuinely - thank you for all comments. It's reassuring to know there are people out there with big hearts and good advice.

OP posts:
OpieMo · 31/01/2024 09:27

Surely it's not a 'I PROMISE I WILL HAVE A BABY WITH YOU ON THIS DATE' and more of a 'yes, if things go well, I would like another child at some point with the right person, which might be you if things proceed well'?

She's not asking you to commit to having a kid with her, that's impossible, anyone can change their mind and it isn't a legal document lol. She's saying 'I only want to be with someone who does want married and kids'. Surely you know whether you would want that with the right person later on? Even if it's too soon now to know if she is that right person?

If you really, truly, don't know... which would surprise me, as someone with experience of those things in your forties, then it is kinder to end it. Let her meet someone who knows what they want. And you are free to take things as they come and not feel as pressured.

Ganthanga · 31/01/2024 10:15

Let her go. It's the only decent thing to do. No-one is in the wrong in this situation, you are both communicating and being honest with each other. Don't take her chance of being a mother away while you decide. None of us know the future but she deserves the chance to build her family.

ColdButSunny · 31/01/2024 10:32

@OpieMo is it really so surprising? I think lots of people are on the fence about having children. Of course, lots of other people are a clear Yes or No, but I don't think it's particularly unusual to fall into the Not Sure group.

Lightermoon · 31/01/2024 10:41

I think you need to consider if you hadn’t met her would you want those things. Ultimately you need to know what you want. Going forward you would know who to consider in your life and whether you want the same things. If you don’t it isn’t going to work. Also if your son isn’t ready for this you are going to want to go slow where as it sounds like she has a clock ticking and is in more of a hurry. 3 months isn’t a long time even if you did know her before. I think early relationships need to be fun/relaxed it’s hard to do that if one of you is in more of a hurry.

YouJustDoYou · 31/01/2024 10:44

Her biological clock is almost expired, I'd let her go now for her own sake. It's a shame the timings aren't right, but if she wants a child that badly she needs to leave now, not that you're a bad man or anything of course but it's never good to deliberately have a child with someone when you're not absolutely sure of it. Best of luck.

Ladychris · 31/01/2024 10:47

Youve answered your own question, your not in the right place for any realionship not got the ((( head space )) not divorced and a young child, who needs you, 3 mths is nothing some people rush into things then regreat JUST DO THE RIGHT THING LET HER GO

BigPussyEnergy · 31/01/2024 10:56

You’re not ready for a relationship
Your child is not ready for a relationship
This woman IS ready and wants a serious relationship

Let her go and find one. Enjoy “having fun” with women who aren’t looking to settle down and have kids. If you insist on dating younger this will be a persistent problem. Maybe try looking at women your own age.

BigPussyEnergy · 31/01/2024 10:58

FWIW I’m dating a younger man and if he decides he wants more children I know it won’t work for us, as I’m past that stage. But he has all the time in the world to decide. A woman doesn’t

Gloobyfree · 31/01/2024 11:38

Agree with PPs - you are not ready for this relationship.

Whilst it might be nice for you to feel wanted and cared about and all the nice things that come with the attention of a new relationship, ultimately you’re not approaching it with a clear idea of what you want for you / your DC in the future.

Just bumbling along with someone hoping for the best and revelling in their efforts, attention and care - is very unfair if they are clear about what they want.

GreenFields07 · 31/01/2024 11:38

I know its a tough decision but honestly id let her go now. Before you're years down the line and still not ready, but she is. It wont work. You had a child by her age, so she's not unreasonable to expect the same for herself. But im sure what shes telling you now that its way into the future is probably a little off and it will be sooner than you think. Prioritise yourself and your child, its a new relationship that will be easier to break ties with. Or you could end up trapped with another 1 or 2 young kids in 10 years time when your DC might be making you a grandad soon.. as someone with aunts younger than them, please dont do that to your kid.

ChristmasPudding83 · 31/01/2024 11:52

To put a different point of view….I was in your girlfriend’s position and am
now happily married with two kids. My OH was late 40s when our first was born and just 50 when the second was born. It isn’t too old.

The advantages of being with someone who has more maturity and life experience, and who knows what can go wrong in a marriage if you don’t work as a team and prioritise your relationship are massive.

It isn’t ’the same’ as getting married and having children with someone who is also a first timer and my OH had a lot of reservations when we were first together - he was honest about the fact he wasn’t sure about getting married again or having more children, but my point of view was that nothing was certain in life and i could go off and try and find someone else but what was to say they would want to/ not change their mind/ be nice enough for me/ be fertile etc etc?? We took it one step at a time and didn’t look too far ahead.

All you can do is be honest with your girlfriend about where you are at and if that isn’t good enough for her then that’s her choice. But I disagree that you have to ‘let her go’ unless she wants to. Why not agree to give it a few more months and see where you are both at then? It might fizzle out anyway or you might be feeling different as things develop. A few months one way or the other (or even a year) isn’t ruining her chances of having children or finding someone else and your views on each other and what the future holds could change in that time. As long as you are honest about not being certain then you are doing nothing wrong and what you are going through in your mind is totally natural and human given your circumstances.

Opentooffers · 31/01/2024 11:53

Tell her you need a year, and if your feelings haven't changed by then, it's reasonable to split. If she insists on an answer now, let her go. She will be cutting off her nose to spite her face as its unlikely she will find another who is more willing inside of a year.

Muddling247 · 31/01/2024 11:59

This sounds really difficult and I wonder if part of it comes down to the difference in life experiences - your parent is approaching it from someone who is looking to the future, thinking about what she wants in life re. Kids and marriage

it is understandable that you may feel different about it given that you have already made those commitments but it has unfortunately not worked out. It is understandable that you will feel confused and wary about making those commitments again so soon

It sounds like the best you can do is to make sure you talk to your partner about the reasons behind your reservations. It’s very much a “it’s not you, it’s me” situation and it’s very much up to her whether she is willing to wait till you feel a bit clearer

I think you should be very cautious of commiting if you don’t feel ready as that could lead to heart ache or even worse a child borne out of obligation

BlobOut · 31/01/2024 12:16

I would suggest you both go and find someone else who is in the same life stage as you. You want different things understandably.

Ladychris · 31/01/2024 12:26

YOUR NOT READY FOR ANY COMMITED REILIONSHIP OF ANY KIND ITS NOTHING TO DO WITH AGE, LET THIS WOMEN GO BEFORE SHE GETS HURT

Jelouscat · 31/01/2024 12:34

You sounds like a great dad putting your child before yourself and this new relationship. And a great partner because you would have nothing to lose by just saying that yes you want something like that in a few years. You’re letting her go for all of your sakes. It’s going to be hard for her to let someone that decent go- you might have to be the one to be firm on splitting.

Mismatc · 31/01/2024 12:37

I had the same thing with my partner but with roles reversed. Having children was a non-negotiable for him and I wasn’t sure whether or not I would want more. He was 29 (never married, no children) and I was 32 (divorced, 7 yo DD and 8 yo DS). I wasn’t closed to the idea but also wanted to make sure I was only doing it if I truly wanted to because that is the only right way to bring a child into the world for me.

We agreed that I would never waste his time and let him know ASAP if I decided it wasn’t for me. Within a year I knew I wanted more children and marriage/ civil partnership is a non-negotiable for me in that circumstance. I’m now 36 weeks pregnant and in a civil partnership. He loves and treats my older children as his own and they adore him too.

If he were female and in his 30s, it would only be fair to set a time limit on the deciding phase of whether you’re open to it, maximum a year I suppose. Totally up to her if she’s prepared to give you a year on a maybe and then take the risk of continuing the relationship and it potentially ending for whatever reason beyond that year.

Xmasdaft2023 · 31/01/2024 13:00

I personally don’t think you want it as much as her.. the relationship I mean!

I got with my now husband a few months after his break up, we knew right away with each other that we wanted to be together, he knew I wanted kids/marriage etc and if he wasn’t able to do that again (he had 2) I’d have walked - and I mean knew within weeks! If you’re right for each other then you’re right for each other so you’d already know 3months in if this was the real deal in my opinion

TiredMummma · 31/01/2024 13:10

Honestly you need to be sure

3 months is not too soon, I use to have such a hypothetical discussion at the 3rd date to make sure we were on the same page. Perhaps you shouldn't have started dating so soon after a divorce.

If you love her, let her go

PaterPower · 31/01/2024 13:14

It sounds very intense from her side - I’d guess that’s the age gap / bio clock kicking in - in many other circumstances I’d see it as a red flag.

I think you’re doing the right thing by prioritising your relationship with your son.

Thisisit2 · 31/01/2024 13:24

I’ve been in this situation (male) and if I had my time again, I would have walked away.

My advice would actually not to have any more children, enjoy the one you have and when they are older live your life. I would only date casually for the next couple of years and would look to meet someone more permanent in a few years and that would be with someone who doesn’t want any more kids and her own have flown off to uni or whatever.

Seaoftroubles · 31/01/2024 13:24

Let her go. Neither of you are wrong but you are at different life stages. And my advice would be to date women more your own age.

Summerlovin24 · 31/01/2024 14:23

End it now
You want different things
Get used to being on your own. Enjoy that time. Enjoy time with your child. Before long you will have a sullen teenager
Not fair on your child to move on so quick. You need to have fun not more children...talking from experience

OpieMo · 31/01/2024 15:15

ColdButSunny · 31/01/2024 10:32

@OpieMo is it really so surprising? I think lots of people are on the fence about having children. Of course, lots of other people are a clear Yes or No, but I don't think it's particularly unusual to fall into the Not Sure group.

I think someone in their forties who has experienced marriage and parenthood would usually have some idea about whether they'd like to go through those things again, definitely! Even in a 'I'd have to meet the right person and be totally sure, but then yeah I'd love to'. I think most people have a sense of whether or not marriage is a goal for them or whether they would like more children in the right circumstances. If someone is in their forties and unsure then personally I think it's more that they just don't want it. You'd know if you did want it if you see what I mean.

Definitely agree it's not uncommon to be on the fence about children in general, but I think that's much more typical for younger people or those who haven't had children yet. But once you've had a child, you know what's involved, you would surely have a much clearer idea about whether you wanted more.