Single Dad navigating a new relationship.

[DadOne]

I'd appreciate thoughts...

I'm a single Dad with a 10 year old son. I have embarked on a new relationship after being separated for 12 months. The relationship is officially 3 months, but we've been friends for a few years prior, so we do know each other well.

My new partner is 9 years younger than me (30's for her, 40's for me) and for her, she knows that she wants a child and to get married one day. Not a maybe, but it is something that she wants.
She would love for me to feel exactly the same and want that too.

However, my divorce still feels recent, my child is not ready for me to be in another relationship and I whilst I'm open to marriage and another child, I can't say that I'm 100% in as I need to be in a long-term stable relationship with someone who loves me as much as I love them to commit to such important life events.

At the moment, we're not there yet - but I feel we could be, and she has said that she sees and wants a long-term future with me. But is hard to visualize something happening then that is a long way from happening now.

My partner says she can't work on a 'maybe' and seems not see from my side that I can't say yes when I'm not in a relationship that gives me security that this will last - I don't want to go from a failed relationship to another, currently as it's very new. She wants someone who has that desire and want - not someone who 'could do'.
We both really like each other which is frustrating us both. I refuse to say yes to having a child and make a promise - I can see she'd be a great mum but asking for my commitment after 3 months when everything is new seems a bit much.

So, I guess my thoughts are, is this relationship doomed as we seemingly can't agree, and therefore I should let this go so she can find someone who has that exact same want and need, and also (a big question - I'm sorry to add more); I'd be in my 50's as a new Dad should this happen in several years and I'm so concerned that it is too old. My head is a bit of a mess.

Appreciate any advice / thoughts very much.

Thanks

It’s a bit like being held to ransom.

It’s all dangerously way too soon on so many levels.

Let her go so she can find someone who wants what she wants.

Trust me you really won’t want a baby in your 50s.

Oh, that's an easy one. Of course let her go. It's absolutely understandable that you need time to heal before even thinking about whether you'd like to go again with having kids etc (though I get the sense that you actually wouldn't, tbh)... But she hasn't got time to wait and see.

Unfortunately this is straight up life stage incompatibility issue. Neither of you are wrong, just not compatible.

Calm down Superstore Carol, he's not even single yet! 🤣🤣🤣

I think you’re right not to commit, honesty is best and I think she’s wrong for trying to pressure you so early into a relationship to make a promise.
I would tell her honestly that you like her, you can’t possibly make a promise now based on how you’ll feel 3 years down the line … it’s not a fair demand and if in 5 years you suddenly feel too old she’ll hold it against you say she’d have never dated you if you’d be honest at the start.
Seems unfair to be pressured to say yes to something so big!

I was the female in this position about 8 years ago. About three months in to a very similar situation I asked if he would be open to marriage and kids (he was divorced and had two kids). He said he thought so and to me that was fine, as the relationship was so fresh. I then spent 4 years with him, treating his children as my own - any time the conversation came up it was always “yeah I think so. I love you” blah blah blah.
long story short, after 4 years the pressure got to both of us. He left me for a younger girl who was unlikely to be wanting kids yet, and I was left, in my 30s with 4 years less on my biological clock. Yes, in hindsight I should have left, but we had a great relationship otherwise and to be honest, I think he loved having me around to help with his children so treated me very well. Just be very careful, and check in with yourself on a regular basis about how you’re feeling. If you’re swaying towards not wanting these things then you have to be honest with her! Good luck!

🙄

I'm a single late 40s dad & coming up to a year split from a v long term & personally I've not wanted to date OLD or regular yet, just absolutely not fair on my young one, they've had enough upheaval & bad stuff.

I've prioritised them 100% over a dating life, they simply had to be my solid focus away from work stuff, do I miss being with someone I fancy the pants off, yes very much, but away from that male or female I think after a long term relationship or marriage etc you really need a decent amount of time on your own.

Certainly I don't want more kids, I'm not sure I ever want to live with someone again tbh, although can't imagine being a monk forever, but unless a total mutual FWB situation cropped up, I just can't really envisage currently how I'd manage giving my sprog the time & devotion they deserve, whilst seeing someone, unless it's a stolen moments odd free evening or day type arrangement.

I even pondered the Ashley Maddison set up where its obviously an affair based sex arrangement, but on a quick look there did to have escorts trawling, which isn't my thing.

Thanks for the input everyone. Some excellent advice, some a bit mean without reason but that’s ok.

update is we have ended the relationship.
we can both see a future together, and it is what we’d both like to pursue however she does want someone who is 100% certain they want to be a father, and I’m not 100% that I do. I refuse to say it in the hope to keep her.
lots of tears all round.
As much as it hurts I hope that she finds that happiness.

thanks again.

I know it’s tough but think you’ve done the right thing.

for reference - 38 year old new mum with 46 year old DP. We were on the same page with kids & got pregnant at the start of our relationship.

when dating I split up with 2 people who were similar to you, already Dads & willing to consider kids but no 100% desire. They didn’t have the need I had because they already had a child, but the risk of me never having that if I stayed with them was too big a risk for me.

I hope you both keep your friendship & find significant others that share each of your own life plans.

@DadOne

You and she have done the right thing for both of you.

Love isn't always enough.

@Screwballs will you also be piling on to call this poster "condescending"? Pot, kettle, etc.

Plenty of others said the same as me, and I guess I was right since the relationship has now ended. Have a great day😊

I think you need to take a break from relationships ( with younger women who are likely to want kids) until you make a decision whether you want kids in the future or not as this scenario is going to come up again and again
Then you probably should make it clear in your online profile if you do or don’t to avoid any misunderstanding ……dating is a minefield!

I had a relationship end in similar circumstances last year. He already had two children, I have none yet. He knew I wanted my opportunity to be a mum but he wasn’t sure yet he could see himself going down that path again. I took the time to investigate solo parenting by choice/IVF (decided that I wouldn’t be pursuing that) and read some books about coming to terms with not having children as well, and tried to make peace with the idea that at 36 with diminished ovarian reserve that life/circumstances and timing may just not have been in my favour.

But a year later we are back together and actively TTC - it was he who initiated the conversation to stop taking my pill and just let nature take its course, he just needed more time to see the path ahead and work out what he wanted the future to look like.

So all hope isn’t lost for two people who care deeply about each other, but have immediate priorities that don’t quite align. I hope whatever happens with you both individually (or together) is fulfilling and peaceful.

Jesus christ, clawing at a desperate response.

That must have been so hard, but you’ve done the right thing for both your sakes.

You’re a good man.

So desperate for the last word! I'll let you have it - if you do post again, you're welcome to apologise for your unpleasant personal comments any time 😊

Oh this is so sad and I feel for you both. . How you're feeling is understandable and you've done the right thing by her. You have done Fatherhood before and know its not easy so not to be taken lightly. What I will say is that finding someone you like so much doesn't come along every day, you have been lucky to find someone you like a lot so soon after your divorce. She is in her 30s and will have likely had some rubbish men up until now, so she will be heart broken. It would be nice to think it is just bad timing and maybe in another year you might be in a different headspace, and maybe she will be single. Or she may not be.. but you may be ready to commit by then after a year by yourself. Just be careful you're not throwing something really good away.

It's still a bit unclear to me how anyone read op and came to the conclusion that she's blackmailing, giving ultimatums, pressuring and all around villain.

Sounds like you had a mature conversation about future. Realised you had different goals. Though about it and decided on the best solution. Good luck for the both of you!

Read the update from the OP abd you’ll see I was right.