Another weekend in tears

[adultingbadly]

Sat in my car in a supermarket car park in tears again. I'm so sick of everyone falling out in our house. We can't seem to have a weekend that doesn't end up in a huge fall out.
Difficult teenage girl (kicks off at every little thing, rude to everyone, nothings ever her fault), DP that can't ever take responsibility for any part in any argument (usually with her) so then starts stomping and swearing around like a bear with a sore head.11 year old son who then gets upset that everyone's falling out.
And apparently it's all my fault for making them entitled 🤷🏼‍♀️
So fed up 😢

Your poor son.

Your boyfriend argues with your child? Making your kids be around an angry, swearing man is cruel, it’ll damage them.

sounds ghastly

is your dp their father?

Is he the father of your DC's? How long have you been together? What are your living circumstances.
It's hard to tell if your DD is throwing hormonal teenage strops, or if she is actually suffering under your DP's treatment of her and you.

I’m sorry that sounds really hard. Any chance you could afford family counselling?

Absolutely do not get counselling with an abusive man.

Yep, if your DP is your DD’s new stepdad, and his response to friction with her is to blame you for bringing her up to be entitled, the quickest solution would probably to dump the fucker now as this is only going to get worse.

If he’s actually her dad, or if he’s her SD but been in her life since she was 3 or something, then you need to have a serious talk to him about being an adult and learning some parenting skills instead of just throwing a tantrum and blaming you.

The thing is OP, teenagers are known to be unreasonable little shits sometimes. It's their hormones going crazy. Your DP on the other hand needs to be a grown up and take it on the chin a bit. I'm not saying let your DD get away with all sorts, but it's your job as adults to absorb some of the bullshit and let it go.
If your DP keeps reacting it's making everything ten times worse, he needs to walk away from the situation. You need to sit him down and come up with a strategy together to deal with this, including putting in place boundaries and consequences for her bad behaviour, but also dealing with the situation calmly and respectfully, and modelling good behaviour.

Make plans with your 11 year old to go out somewhere nice every weekend and leave the two idiots to rampage at each other.

good god don’t do this

bring your daughter with you

way to make a teen feel even more shit and unwanted

Or you instigate 1-1 time with each of them.

Good both for the ds who clearly needs a break.
And for the dd who still needs to be reminded she is loved.

Teens can be hard work. We all know that.

But you have a big DP problem there.

Both because his lack of insight in what’s going on.
And because he is deflecting any responsibility.

are you still in the car reading this op?

Is your partner the father of either child?

You have a lot of sympathy for me in dealing with a teenager, but do you find her easier if your partner is out at work?

Oh don't be so f*ing mumsnet melodramatic

Being argumentative is not by default 'abuse' - it's a problem for sure but get some perspective...

Assuming he’s not their dad? You’ve managed to escape for a cry. Where do your kids get to escape to?

I'm in the shop now.

DP is not their Dad but has been in their life for over 5 years and yes we live together. When DD is happy, they actually get along well. He just doesn't seem able to handle when she has an outburst, which seems to be more and more at the moment (she's 13) I totally agree she has a rude and entitled attitude, and she does seem to direct a lot towards him, but only when things aren't going her way. When she wants him for something, she's his best mate IYSWIM.
He has a good relationship with my DS, they are very close.

My issue is that whenever there's a disagreement, he seems to think he always gets the blame for it and then starts the shouting and swearing and acting like a giant manchild. His response to her is all wrong but I can't get him to see that. That's the part I'm finding really difficult because then if I say anything it's my fault.

I did try to get them to come with me, they didn't want to

I think I'd ask your partner to move out until both children are through adolescence.

No not really, if he's not around she directs it at me.

DP is not their Dad

There we go, I was just waiting for this.

Blended families don't work

The problem with blended families is simple, the glue isn't there when there's a disagreement

DP is not their Dad

anyone else not in the least bit surprised

poor kids

What about the daughter? Who it sounds is the cause of her DH getting upset. Or are you just picking him out cos he’s a man?

Ok

You need to stop doing things as a family while they’re in this difficult teenage phase.

Take the 11 year-old out and leave the stroppy teenager at home / to hang out with her friends. I hated family outings at that age, they’re suffocating, she probably feels that way so just give her space and focus on the younger child.