Another weekend in tears

[adultingbadly]

Sat in my car in a supermarket car park in tears again. I'm so sick of everyone falling out in our house. We can't seem to have a weekend that doesn't end up in a huge fall out.
Difficult teenage girl (kicks off at every little thing, rude to everyone, nothings ever her fault), DP that can't ever take responsibility for any part in any argument (usually with her) so then starts stomping and swearing around like a bear with a sore head.11 year old son who then gets upset that everyone's falling out.
And apparently it's all my fault for making them entitled 🤷🏼‍♀️
So fed up 😢

Your boyfriend shouldn't be arguing with your daughter and upsetting your son in the process.

We KNOW that teens are difficult but that is no excuse. It's not his child so he should back off hugely.

And yes, you escaped for a cry. Where do your children go? Oh that's right, they can go with you or stay home with the ranter.

Your boyfriend needs to shape up or ship out.

He’s the problem. Your DP. Sorry OP.

You have a teenager behaving like a teenager, and an adult man who cannot regulate his own emotions at all, and believes himself entitled to act with an aggressive attitude if annoyed. He is the problem in the house.

what have you tried to help your daughter or to change her outlook on stuff? Sounds like she’s the cause of your DH reactions. I’m not saying he shouldn’t handle it better but she’s the problem here, you can’t just say you agree she’s rude, entitled and directs a lot towards him and then only focus on how he’s reacting it’s almost as if your dismissive of her behaviour (or that’s how it reads)

Highly recommend the free app In Love While Parenting - but DP has to commit to downloading it and completing it as well as you.

I wasn’t a fan of the vidoes so clicked the link below each one to read the transcript instead.

Not 'Ok'

Can't you see that it's a huge part of the problem?

And that even if he was their father, his behaviour is making it much, much worse?

What's the housing situation?

You're blaming the child for a grown adult behaving like a petulant toddler?

Maybe if he wasn't there she'd behave better?

this man. your boyfriend. not the father of your children.

stomping and shouting with YOUR daughter

is now alone with both your children

meanwhile you’re weeping in the car

parent up op. sharpish

I agree that parenting teenagers can be hard and you need to carefully pick your battles at times. Your DP should be calming the situation not escalating it. He’s the adult, she isn’t.

I would suggest looking online and getting hold of some books about parenting teenagers.

Then read them through alone first and then show him the stuff that you feel is relevant to your situation. He might be persuaded more if it’s written by an expert in child psychology with lots of letters after her/his name. Your DP should be open to your opinions/suggestions, but if he isn’t this is the only other thing that might change his views.

Id also read up on the brain changes that go on during puberty and the teenage years. It’s fascinating and does explain a lot of their behaviour.

I can see why you're upset, but you're not holding your DP accountable here whilst he is blaming you and your children for everything. If he is shouting and swearing then he needs to work on himself. You have a DP problem. However I think your emotions might be because you're beginning to realise that and what the implications might be for you and him.

Tell your partner to back off and let you deal with your daughter... Teenagers will be teenagers is not an excuse for bad behaviour. If she's rude to you/boyfriend/brother what is the consequence of that?
I don't think it will do her any favours by getting rid of an otherwise good partner so DD can act how she likes but it sounds likes.

You're damaging your children by having this shouty sweaty man living in their home. Why do so many single parents do this?!

Have you explained to your dp that teenagers do go through phases like this, and THEY CAN'T HELP IT?

A conversation like this needs to happen, ideally not during a blow-up argument, but at another time altogether. He needs to understand that he is the grown-up in this situation, and he is dealing with a child, not having an argument with another bloke in the pub. She's a child, and needs to be treated as such, no matter how difficult she is being. He needs to be the calm, rational one, not lose his temper with her.

No I said I agree he should be handling it better but also from the sounds of it all his anger is coming in retaliation to the teenagers outbursts and behaviour so yes that should be addressed and not dismissed. The OP said they actually get along well he just can’t handle her outbursts

@WeekendFreedom nope. It's entirely the two adults fault, OPs vile boyfriend should not be inflicted on her kids. It's shocking that this has been allowed for years. The children will need counselling.

I have had this conversation with him several times, when he's calm and rational he agrees. However in the heat of the moment, he doesn't end up reacting that way.

Today's issue for instance, some bedroom furniture arrived yesterday for DD's bedroom that needed building. She'd had a bit of a huff that he hadn't done it yesterday (we were all out with some friends so there wasn't really time) and that it wasn't ready for her this morning. At the time he didn't actually say anything, he let it go over his head. He jokingly said this morning 'oh I better go build that because I got moaned at yesterday' and she kicked off screaming that she hadn't moaned about it. I said 'oh great now you've set her off' and he then started the stomping and swearing moaning 'everything is always my fault'

Agree I've probably done it all wrong and should have just stayed single. Feel like such a shit mum.

So rectify it. Put your kids first.

No grown would ever be allowed to shout and swear at my children. He needs to go.

What consequence did she get for her behaviour then?
Because you saying 'oh great now you've set her off' was absolutely guaranteed to fuel the fire.

He needs to be the adult and she needs consequences for her behaviour. In the above situation in my house, that furniture would stay unbuilt till a sincere apology was forthcoming.

And has she cleared out her room so it can go in?

To be honest I'd be telling your daughter that if she was rude to the person helpfully building her furniture she should expect to wait a bit longer for it! I don't see why he gets blamed for "setting her off"; it's fine to understand teenagers aren't always the best at being rational but no need to treat them as though they have absolutely no control over their behaviour!

How do you know he’s vile? Yes he’s not handling the teenagers outbursts great but that doesn’t make him a vile person.
Unless someone who actually knows him says he’s vile @adultingbadly is he as vile as @C00k is saying? Sounds like a difficult situation but for the most part the family get along

Tbh you should have pulled them both up - dd for being rude about someone doing her a favour just because the timing isn’t to her liking and your partner for behaving like a teenager and making snidey comments.

If your partner really can’t deal with being the adult in the situation then living arrangements will have to be rethought. You shoulder some of that because you can’t or don’t want to referee but ultimately you have to have your dd’s back because unlike your partner she has little to no agency over her living situation.

Vile no. Unable to stop and think and take the higher ground when confronted with an angry teenage girl? Yes.

Just got home and they're all laughing and joking playing a game. Maybe I'm the problem.

No you’re not the problem. You’re the only functioning adult. So you absorb and try to process the conflict and it impacts you hard.

Your DP, who is acting like a child, has no consequences, takes no responsibility.

What consequences does she get when she's rude?

there is no way in hell i would move in with a man when i have young kids and expect anything less than what's happening.

Could you ask your partner to move out and still see each other?