Another weekend in tears

[adultingbadly]

Sat in my car in a supermarket car park in tears again. I'm so sick of everyone falling out in our house. We can't seem to have a weekend that doesn't end up in a huge fall out.
Difficult teenage girl (kicks off at every little thing, rude to everyone, nothings ever her fault), DP that can't ever take responsibility for any part in any argument (usually with her) so then starts stomping and swearing around like a bear with a sore head.11 year old son who then gets upset that everyone's falling out.
And apparently it's all my fault for making them entitled 🤷🏼‍♀️
So fed up 😢

"DP that can't ever take responsibility for any part in any argument (usually with her) so then starts stomping and swearing around like a bear with a sore head."

Is he aware of the importance of setting an example? I presume that this is not behaviour that he would like to see from her.

Jesus Christ this site is on steroids today.

OP just because your DP is not their biological dad does not mean you need to kick him out immediately or that your kids are going to need counselling or that you need to be single until both your kids are in their 30’s! No wonder our future generations are so screwed up.

Your DD needs to be told that her attitude is not acceptable and yes she’s hormonal and outbursts are sometimes well outwith her control but the aftermath isn’t. Did she apologise for her attitude regarding the furniture argument for example? I’m going through the exact same thing with my DD (13) and I always make sure that after a fight regardless of who started it we come together, talk about it and apologise to each other afterwards. It’s the only way I can see that we’re going to survive the teenage years.

The fact that you have came home and they are all laughing together tells me that your DP is doing a good job. Don’t get rid of a good man/step dad just because there’s some issues during really difficult years. Find a way to work through it together.

Yet another entitled babyman unable to behave like an adult.

I think you sound pretty reasonable OP . I've worked in secondary schools for decades, my entire career all day every day spent with teenagers. Honestly I think your partner is weird. Why does he react to a 13 year old, year 8 I guess?
Some teenagers have outbursts maybe all, but as an adult why would you take it seriously? He made a remark about doing the furniture and she had a strop. So what? Why would he descend to that level as well?
And speaking as a veteran of teenagers you won't change her by punishment or kindness, its hormones and brain chemistry, or the moon. Ive had older teenagers return to school after they have left years ago to apologise for things they said! They can't help it, you get it . I am at a loss as what you can do or say to him. Apart from goodbye!

Teenagers will try the patience of a saint so they can be extremely difficult to live with. That doesn't make you a bad mum, it just means you're going to have to dig deep for a few years. Seriously. This is nothing co.parsd with what's ahead so you and your partner need to get it together. Enrol in a parenting teens course, read books, lean on friends for support...do whatever you can to strengthen because if you don't, you'll be living v ina war zone for the next 4yrs.

Personally I don't pull up my teens on every tiny thing. It's an ge whe they feel pretty bad about themselves and incredibly self conscious so I try toprause every effort, let some stuff slide, and focus on safety.if they're talking to you, they're a lot safer than if they're keeping secrets.

Ultimately you want them alive and well. If they're managing school and friendships, that's a bonus.

It's very important that you take time for yourself. It needs to be non-negotiable. You have to stay strong. And try to spend 1:1 with both kids.

I have a little thing where I take each of my kids on a short holiday, just one at a time, each year. And we also have an eating out habit: one likes doing breakfast (only happens about once a month) and the other likes hot chips by the sea. It doesn't really matter what it is so long as they have you to themselves regularly.

on your other thread your children were 9 and 11

Teen girls can be dramatic but I’d be ashamed if my teen daughter said that to someone who hadn’t built her bedroom furniture. She needs to know the world doesn’t revolve around her needs. Yes she is entitled and no it’s not a normal part of being a teen, I’ve had 3 teens and if any of them spoke like that the furniture will be returned.

Where is their dad in all this?

this is weird

on your other thread from last month you describe your partner Kids - he is a great Dad and they do have his pretty much undivided attention when he's home. . on that thread you’re moaning him not pulling his weight as working so much (failing to ever say he’s not your children’s father)

🤔

Why can't you live separately, he can come and visit you when he wants but if he's had enough of your DD he can leave and have his own space. I've never understood the need to live together

Good point! She also says “our kids” and “we have two kids,” suggesting that he’s their father. Very odd.

He jokingly said this morning 'oh I better go build that because I got moaned at yesterday' and she kicked off screaming that she hadn't moaned about it. I said 'oh great now you've set her off' and he then started the stomping and swearing moaning 'everything is always my fault
He's tried to be light hearted and your DD is screaming, is that how she always reacts if anything doesn't suit her?
You were wrong with your comment, is everyone to tippy toe storing your bratty DD?
How dare he be pissed off with being screamed and blamed for her tantrum.
Your DD sounds insufferable.

It's pretty commonplace to change details slightly so as to retain anonymity. Not sure what you would get out of playing detective here. OP is asking for support.

Yes exactly. It's only step-families who are not allowed to have arguments. Then it's 'abusive' and he's 'vile'. I really wish some posters would start writing their posts and just leave out the step bit. They'd get much more realistic replies.

Teens can be hard biological or not I'm sure. While it needs to be called out your DP has to change his behavior and language

Do you blame her? Looks what's happened on this thread because she mentioned he's not the kids father. I wish more people would do it, they'll get much more measured replies.

because on that thread she was whinging about him not being around so much. So didn’t suit her purpose to confirm he wasn’t actually their father.

and they were younger in that thread. Again to present a scenario more in keeping with eliciting the responses she wanted

all very odd

Yes it really doesn't make sense

good grief

can you honestly not see the relevance?

her daughter is being subjected to living with to a man she only met… what… 4 years ago? and that man is shouting at her and disciplining her.

meanwhile the op walks out and leaves both children alone with him

Hey, please don't despair! Teenagers can be bloody awful at times.. and some people (not just dads or not just step parents) just dont find it easy to deal with their outbursts and emotions when they are all hormonal and utterly unreasonable!

My DSDs were both bloody hard work but their father was (who is a bloody wonderful husband in all other aspects) useless at staying calm when they got angry and would just make everything 10x worse!

It was always down to me to step in and resolve things... (they lived with us full time)

My DSDs are both fabulous adults now and we laugh about the things they used to do as teenagers..

I struggled but I coped by talking to friends and having a good rant to clear my head... Please dont give up on your partner if you love each other! Things will get better I promise xx

because a father shouting and disciplining his teen daughter

is very different from a man who she only lives with because he’s her mum’s boyfriend and has only known… 4 years?

the idea of watching a man, my boyfriend, shout and stomp around MY children

snd i walk out and leave them to it

is so alien to me

you sound…. unpleasant 😂