Another weekend in tears

[adultingbadly]

Sat in my car in a supermarket car park in tears again. I'm so sick of everyone falling out in our house. We can't seem to have a weekend that doesn't end up in a huge fall out.
Difficult teenage girl (kicks off at every little thing, rude to everyone, nothings ever her fault), DP that can't ever take responsibility for any part in any argument (usually with her) so then starts stomping and swearing around like a bear with a sore head.11 year old son who then gets upset that everyone's falling out.
And apparently it's all my fault for making them entitled 🤷🏼‍♀️
So fed up 😢

Not at all - i’ve mentioned that in previous posts that him stomping round isn’t acceptable.

The point is, that wouldn’t be acceptable for anyone - whether it be her actual dad or a step dad.

My issue here is that people are so quick to accuse the OP of being terrible mother for daring to start a new relationship!

There is also the huge problem of the daughter’s behaviour that would be the case regardless of her living with anyone or not.

I don’t believe it’s ’serious’ shit at all. It needs addressing of course but there’s no need for everyone saying kick him out, because why?

Her partner is fed up of her DD’s behaviour and quite frankly so would I be - what needs to change is how he and OP deal with it, they need to work as a team, which would prevent her DS getting upset.

Her DS is also 11 and is capable of understanding that families aren’t all roses and butterflies, him becoming upset from an argument isn’t going to cause him long term damage. We don’t know how emotional her son is otherwise - he may cry because he didn’t get top marks on his homework for example.

I think a lot of people are quick to judge when really what OP has described is a family dynamic for many.

10 years old

i am guessing that you have blended families and did so after a brief time

and out of interest

would you walk out and leave your 11 and 13 year old with your boyfriend stomping and shouting around the place. Oh and he does this weekend after weekend (according to the Op’s other thread… he works away during the week so only back for the weekends)

i suppose it boils down to having different expectation for the type of childhood and home environment we want and work towards for our children.

So we will never agree @confusedaboutclothes because we simply have different benchmarks

Yep I do, and i’m very proud of it. Please don’t do any guessing as to my time lines because that’s not really your business - my family is very happy.

I left my child’s dad after a very long and abusive relationship - but but your standards, I should have stayed as that’s better right? Than a ‘blended’ family 😂🤦‍♀️

Her boyfriend stomping around isn’t throwing knives at her children’s head - please have some perspective here. No, it’s not an ideal situation at all, and no for the record I wouldn’t have walked out, I would have stayed at fixed it.

But everyone’s different and you projecting your lovely little happy fluffy ideals isn’t helping anything.

Not at all, we all want the best for our children. I think some may need more of a reality check than others as to this perfect family, that nobody has.

Your DP is quite clearly the problem here.

Gosh, I just realised how bad I made that sound. Not, not thinking about leaving at all. We're all as bad as each other. It's nothing like as bad as it sounds, honestly. DH is a lovely guy, DD is a lovely girl (but a teenage witch at times) - they are just at loggerheads and as stubborn as each other. Neither can see that they are like peas in a pod.
DS and I are letting them get on with it.

thankfully- my view is very much the overwhelming majority. and i find that a relief actually!

but each to their own re parenting

@notjustthecandle That’s because you’re on mumsnet - A man hating and stepdad shaming site where the first answer is always ‘kick him out’ 🤦‍♀️

often, and sadly, very very appropriate advice 😞

If you want him to actively parent your kids (difficult not to when you're living together long term), then you need to be on the same page with it. Back each other up when it comes to discipline, that's essential that the kids see you're united (even at times when you don't necessarily agree with each other - discuss it later privately).

In the example you gave, your dd was being unreasonable, yet you openly blamed dp for it.

Get rid of him, and get your children therapy.

He is the problem.
You are the problem.

Boyfriend, father, friend, sister, mother, etc... it doesn't matter. .an abusive person doesn't need to be around you nor your children.

Imo you never should have dated seriously/lived together with someone while your children are still living at home.

You forced him into their lives at an early age..over 5 years you've been together with an abusive man, your children are 13 and 11, and you've haven't protected your children and gotten rid of him yet.

Your children are a product of what you chose to expose them to..also they were probably going through a rough time and abandonment and other issues before he even entered the picture.. Your children are mostly blaming you because you're their mother and they want you to show up properly to protect and rescue them.

Protect your children. Get rid of him. You and the children get into family and individual therapy. Please no more men around your children. Date casual until they leave home.

Schools struggle with teenagers because they're a pita. Parents struggle with teenagers because they're a pita.
I'm a bit perplexed, is society and parents just meant to turn a blind eye/condone unruly rude people living with them because they're teenagers?

i do not see it as “essential” that a mother and her boyfriend have a “united” front when it comes to disciplining children that have only know the boyfriend for a few years and is in no way relates to them.

my teen DS drives me to the edge of sanity sometimes. Often.

but he’s my teen DS to discipline

not a boyfriend who is away during the week on work, rocks up at the weekends and stomps around like a bull in a china shop

this

Mumsnet have opened my eyes to what some others think is an acceptable home life for their children to grow up in, which i think sounds utterly shite. No way will my teen daughter ever share her home with a boyfriend of mine.

and as for watching him shout and stomp around and then walk out leaving her and her little brother alone with him? i can’t even compute that

i wonder what the DS thought as he saw his weeping mum run out to the car, jump in and drive off