Another weekend in tears

[adultingbadly]

Sat in my car in a supermarket car park in tears again. I'm so sick of everyone falling out in our house. We can't seem to have a weekend that doesn't end up in a huge fall out.
Difficult teenage girl (kicks off at every little thing, rude to everyone, nothings ever her fault), DP that can't ever take responsibility for any part in any argument (usually with her) so then starts stomping and swearing around like a bear with a sore head.11 year old son who then gets upset that everyone's falling out.
And apparently it's all my fault for making them entitled 🤷🏼‍♀️
So fed up 😢

What a vile comment.

The very fact you've identified a problem makes you a parent who is doing their best.
Tempers get frayed ,I think apologises go a long way to getting respect back from teenagers.
Be in one space together and then You need to apologise to your partner ,she needs to apologise and he needs to apologise then all apologise to youngest who is caught up in it...this way everyone is clear that this behaviour is not acceptable.

Respect is what's needed ...model it to your children , and they will do it back.

Doesn't need to be a huge embarrassment just clear the air and change the way you as a family , speak to each other.

I often wonder if the nuclear family is just not a good idea. We’ve elevated it it to this ideal, but in my experience the happiest people are single, or divorced, or single parents, or childless couples, etc. Most people I know who are married with kids seem utterly miserable.

Not sure if you are still reading OP but I hope you're ok.

Sounds like your DD is struggling (hormones? friendships? undiagnosed longer term issues which affect anxiety levels and coping mechanisms? Some combination of the above?)

If your DP is a good guy then he will understand that (whatever is going on) unfortunately sarcasm and gentle 'jokes' rarely go down well in these situations. So even though it might seem like pandering, it's possible to hold reasonable boundaries without poking the bear unnecessarily. I would suggest you both read The Explosive Child, by Ross Greene as a starting point.

You need to work together on this, so with the furniture this morning he should not have said anything in her earshot and you should not have blamed him when she did kick off.

If your DP is not on board then I would rethink my relationship at this time, because both your children need you, and you can do without anyone adding fuel to the fire right now.

Regardless of anything else I agree with pp about 1:1 time with DS, so you can both have a laugh together away from the tension which revolves around a difficult big sister.

Good luck

I feel so sorry for the 11 year old. I agree with others about doing nice things with him at the weekend. Your daughter is 13 and going through a difficult phase - could she meet a friend or just leave her to chill at home whilst you make plans with your Son? Or DP take your Son out? He’s 11 and deserves a nice weekend not listening to shouting. If its not working out everyone together (at this current/difficult stage), make seperate plans.

Yeah your DP needs to step back and let you discipline bad behaviour from your DD. But equally you need to actually do something to address this behaviour because honestly unless she's has SN she sounds a bit bratty. I'll probably get flamed for saying that but the scenario you described is so incredibly entitled of her and that attitude comes from lack of discipline and boundaries. Personally I would have told her to sort her attitude out or she can build the furniture herself. You can't expect your partner to engage in fatherly duties (such as building her furniture) but have absolutely no recourse if she's horrible to him.

Yes, this.

@adultingbadly Today's issue for instance, some bedroom furniture arrived yesterday for DD's bedroom that needed building. She'd had a bit of a huff that he hadn't done it yesterday (we were all out with some friends so there wasn't really time) and that it wasn't ready for her this morning. At the time he didn't actually say anything, he let it go over his head. He jokingly said this morning 'oh I better go build that because I got moaned at yesterday' and she kicked off screaming that she hadn't moaned about it. I said 'oh great now you've set her off' and he then started the stomping and swearing moaning 'everything is always my fault'

You are egging it on. When she kicked off, she needed to be told to pipe down and be grateful that someone is willing to do it for her. Then you snipe at your DP and have to wonder why he got upset?

It's sounds like the three of you are putting the "fun" into dysfunctional.

Gosh, that's awful. Are you thinking about leaving?

Don't be ridiculous.
It's a perfectly reasonable comment. The OP has a pubescent child and a random man in the house. Get him out.

it strikes me as being bang on the money

and the idea that the Op came back and the three of them were laughing and playing a board game is pure nonsense

She only said that when we questioned why she’d left her young children alone with a man they’d met no more than 4 or so years ago, who was shouting and stomping around like a bull in a china shop

What are you on about?! This isnt a nuclear family. He isnt their father. And they are not married.

Teen girls are a new kind of hell! She had no right to demand her furniture was built and imo it was very kind of your dp for doing it.

You do have to pick your battles with teenagers though

I can understand why he struggles to tolerate the poor behaviour without reacting but maybe that is something he can work on

Also don’t take everything to heart that was said to you on here. Not all men are dreadful and even if you didn’t live with him she would be no different. On the bright side they do come out of this phase

Target should be to teach kids be respectful towards family memebers and for partner to muster inner strenght to have a time out when triggered. It's a process, blaming will not help.

How is he a stranger? so OP isn’t allowed to be with another man now all because her teenage daughter is being a bratty teenager? Which 9 times out of 10 that’s what they are!

What a twisted way to think.

can you expand?

because it seems to me just like a factual statement

she’s been dating him 5 years
so presumably (hopefully) at the very earliest he only moved in 3 years ago? so her daughter was 10 and here is a man that barely a year ago she’s never met in her life now sharing her home, bathroom, lounge, holidays, mother.

and feel like he can shout and stomp around her home. weekend after weekend.

and her mum scarpers

i just can’t imagine closing the door on my home

leaving my boyfriend shouting and stomping around with my disturbed 11 year old son and very upset and emotional 13 year old daughter alone with him

If he moved in 3 years ago how has her DD only known him a year? and if they were dating for 2 years i'm sure she introduced them during that time - a stranger is somebody you don’t know?
She’s a teenager, i’m sorry but she needs to get used to sharing her mother, she isn’t a one year
one dependent is she?!

Agreed he shouldn’t be shouting and stomping around but teenagers have an awful way of making you do things like this.
If her OH is effectively contributing to raising her DD whilst he’s there, contributing towards her upkeep etc then he’s entitled to be pissed off if she behaves in a way she shouldn’t be behaving!

reread my post

at 10 she would have only known him for a year or so when suddenly sharing her home with him

@confusedaboutclothes
you are neatly skating over the fact that this shouting and stomping is weekend after weekend and so bad that her son is distressed and she is weeping in her car.

That indicates that some serious shit is going down

and? Knowing someone a year isn’t a ‘sudden’ move