Another weekend in tears

[adultingbadly]

Sat in my car in a supermarket car park in tears again. I'm so sick of everyone falling out in our house. We can't seem to have a weekend that doesn't end up in a huge fall out.
Difficult teenage girl (kicks off at every little thing, rude to everyone, nothings ever her fault), DP that can't ever take responsibility for any part in any argument (usually with her) so then starts stomping and swearing around like a bear with a sore head.11 year old son who then gets upset that everyone's falling out.
And apparently it's all my fault for making them entitled 🤷🏼‍♀️
So fed up 😢

So they had an argument, it blew over and now it’s all fine.
I’d suggest you all have a chat while calm about how to manage this sort of thing in future.
and why does everyone on here expect divorced parents to live alone. There can be life after divorce.

She's your daughter and sounds like she was very rude.

You're the parent, this is where you step in and pull her up on that.

Your DP needs to step back and stop shouting while you deal with it.

She has things like screen bans etc for poor behaviour. I don't know what else to really use.
She doesn't really go out with friends much so grounding doesn't have much effect.
I obviously tell her and try to explain why her behaviour isn't ok but it's usually met with an eye roll. I actually don't know how to handle her.

people on here are so dramatic. this sounds exactly like my teenage years - and my dad is my biological dad. how is that anything to do with it. teenagers are difficult. not everyone has the patience of a saint to deal with them.

Your dp can't control his emotions.

But also... you are watching your teenager treat another person like shit and not doing enough about it. Its normal teenage entitled behaviour, but she still needs to be called out on it or she will grow up to be an abnormally entitled adult. Remember he isn't their dad and it's not his job.

There's somewhere in between "staying single" and not moving someone in your family home.

Regardless of how long DP has been in your lives and what it's like for all when they all get along, the source of your problem is DP.

These are YOUR children, and you have to put their emotional well-being first. Your DP is demonstrating behaviour of a 13 year old girl, and perhaps emulating to your daughter that if he can act up as an adult, she can act up as a teenager.

Your DD has an excuse for her behaviour - she is growing up and needs guidance. Your DP has no excuse.

The reality is, who you are as a family is best seen during difficult times, not the good times.

Your DP has anger management issues and your children will become angry adults. You must act on this now.

Your daughter sounds like a pain and your DP needs to learn to step away when it’s kicking off. You need to pull her up on her rudeness, rather than run off.

All three of you have a role in this dynamic.

I wonder what she would be like if he didn’t live with you. I imagine you would be the target for her tantrums.

Because moving basically strangers in to a home is not necessary. Imagine if someone told you tomorrow "sorry this guy you barely know will have to live in your house for the foreseeable and you will have to act like he's family".

We are adults, we are capable of a healthy relationship in seperate houses. Kids have no say about something that drastically affects their safe space, don't force it upon them.

Get the boyfriend out of your home and conduct your sex-life off-site.
Your children need a peaceful homelife. Focus on that.

Are you kidding? A 13 year old who doesn't have the brain development or maturity to he able to handle conflict in a mature manner vs a grown ass man!

You've got a really toxic blame culture in your house hold. I think maybe if you all try to be a bit more pro active in thinking about ways to make sure very one is less rude, more tolerant, less shouty and not pointing bloody fingers at each other all the time, it would be fine. You need ground rules in place that force everyone to be accountable for their own actions and he needs to grow up.

@WeekendFreedom I’m not going to continue pointing out obvious things to you. OPs posts are there to read. Grown men should not be moved in to kids homes to fight them, storm about, swear and scare them.
OP can date her fella away from her kids if she feels the need.

It's inevitable on mumsnet that this kind of topic immediately gets into "omg he's an abusive partner leave him and move out." I'm only surprised that I haven't been able to tick "your daughter probably has autism/ADHD" off my bingo card yet.

People seem to be ignoring the fact your kids have known him for 5 years and you got on well until your daughter's puberty years (and even now still all do get on well in general). And that all you're asking is how to dissipate standard teenager behaviour.

She'll grow out of it, but you need to stop reacting to him when he's reacting to her. Perhaps he needs to read a book or listen to a podcast on communicating with a teenager step daughter, or possibly you go to some kind of couples' therapy session with a focus on being on the same page when it comes to parenting a teenager. You'll get through it.

My DH is my DC father and it sounds like my teen girls at this age and DH though without the swearing.

Other than encouraging clearer communication - ie when he planned to build the furniture and making sure everyone was on same page and plug away and message to DP to stay calm and DD to be polite not sure there is much to do.

But she’s causing the conflict so I don’t get why people are not suggesting helping to find out what her issues are etc or finding a way to help her control these outbursts.

Poor kids? Poor man having to deal with hormonal female teenager.

She has things like screen bans etc for poor behaviour. I don't know what else to really use.

Well for starters I would have told her to stop being so rude and that the bedroom unit she's so desperate to have built will wait until she's calmed down and apologised - and when it's convenient for your DP to put it together.

Then I would have left her in her room while I went downstairs with DP.

Yes of course. But what you said looked like people were only blaming him because he was a poor, hard done by Man. His reactions to the daughter are on him and as an adult should be able to deal with this in a mature way. Not acting like a man child!

It is hard to step back when you have a teenage daughter in full flood, I know! I find it hard. But I would never ever ever have a man, especially not one related, swearing and shouting at my daughter in her own home. Her dad didn't do it and the idea of moving someone in and that becoming the norm, nope. I agree that helping your dd with techniques for behaving better and calming herself down is a good idea, but honestly, you are going to just have some of this at this age and it's the responsibility of the adults to step back a bit, and not enter the fray. At the very least, go to different rooms, if someone is shouting, try to take yourself elsewhere. I'm not advocating being calm all the time, I do lose it myself, but the best thing I have learned is to walk away, lick our wounds and start again another time.

I won't ever have an angry shouty swearing man in my house, ever. It's just a nope on that.

As I see it, your DP reverts to a male teenager when faced with your teenage DD, and your DD may be less tolerant anyway because he is not her DF
I could excuse DD, to a degree although she should be pulled up for being rude
I had run in with teens and their DF myself
Talk to each separately but DP is just fuelling the fire here

Please ignore the awful, spiteful comments about DP not being their father. Blended families absolutely can work.
However, he shouldn’t be shouting or swearing around you and the children. Your dd will be a teen for a while and your ds will be one soon too. If he can’t be kind and patient with them and you, you’ll need to rethink this relationship

My biological father was just like this when I was a teenager. We have a great relationship as adults. It could be worth looking into specific advice on parenting teens either online or in books- the brain changes they go through are enormous and it all makes so much more sense once you understand what is going on. Maybe you could get your DP to learn about this with you or drip feed it to him. My Mum used to do stuff with us without our Dad (even some holidays) because he was so grumpy around us and that helped. Back then they didn't really have access to the advice and suppport that people do now and I would take advantage of it.

I actually don't know how to handle her.

What approaches/ resources have you tried?

things like screen bans don’t work, she needs natural consequences and intrinsic motivation.

A good dose of validation too it sounds like.

The app I mentioned up thread is a great start (in love while parenting)

Also the How to Talk books work with teens too

Bullshit

Living with teenagers is like living with a new species. You have my sympathy, I found it tough and this was pre internet and mobiles.
Divide and conquer.
Take children out separately. Don’t ask to start, organise something.
Have a talk with your partner , he’s not to react to teenage tantrums. A polite hand up and I’m not involved in this will suffice.
Talk to DD, yes being a teenager is difficult but she needs to have a word, phrase or even a card to show she’s not feeling reasonable or she’s upset or angry. All her feelings are valid, it’s sometimes best to let them have a rant and say you’ll think what you can do to help while you have a cuppa.
It’s a bit like a military operation but can reduce everyone’s stress.