Another weekend in tears

[adultingbadly]

Sat in my car in a supermarket car park in tears again. I'm so sick of everyone falling out in our house. We can't seem to have a weekend that doesn't end up in a huge fall out.
Difficult teenage girl (kicks off at every little thing, rude to everyone, nothings ever her fault), DP that can't ever take responsibility for any part in any argument (usually with her) so then starts stomping and swearing around like a bear with a sore head.11 year old son who then gets upset that everyone's falling out.
And apparently it's all my fault for making them entitled 🤷🏼‍♀️
So fed up 😢

This. Yet again.

And this.

If he feels himself getting angry, he needs to just leave the room. Does she get an allowance? Would reducing this work as a punishment?

No words!

Hard though it sounds I think he needs to leave. Adults should be modelling how to have healthy disagreements, not shouting and sulking.

You have a boyfriend who is shouting and swearing at your child. And you've done nothing about it for your kid's sake. My dad did the same to us and my mum did nothing. It destroyed us. Either put up with it, or bin him. But no way would I be keeping a boyfriend around who was incapable of acting like an adulting and was swearing at my kids!!

Of course they can help it. So pathetic that children get away with so much because "oh they can't help it".

I wasn't like it as a teenager, my siblings weren't like it and almost all of my friends' children were not like it. The ones that were were the ones with the indulgent parents

You are not the problem. He is.

You can be single again, it’s not a done deal.

I completely agree.

I’m a single parent. Eldest is a teen and two younger ones. I’ve never introduced a man to them and I never will whilst they’re at home.

This is their safe space and it needs to remain that way.

What a sweeping generalisation. True blended families are difficult - but they can work.

God there are some reactionary judgy comments in this thread!

Op teenagers are hard and teenaged girls can be impossible. But your DP needs to understand that joining in doesn't help.

Maybe wait until a calm moment and go somewhere neutral and talk about coping strategies rather than having a go at him.

He jokingly said this morning 'oh I better go build that because I got moaned at yesterday' and she kicked off screaming that she hadn't moaned about it. I said 'oh great now you've set her off' and he then started the stomping and swearing moaning 'everything is always my fault'

Tbf you were at fault here. You should have told your dd not to scream at your p like that, or he wouldn't build her furniture. You should have supported him.

But then he is at fault for how he reacts: shouting, stomping, swearing. That's all unacceptable.

Sounds like you could do with some parenting classes to deal with your dd better?

Even though she's a teen, don't let her get away with such rudeness all the time.

For what it's worth op I think this is just normal family life, and it will pass. Not on here, obviously, because no one ever shouts, and everyone remains level-headed at all times. Teenagers can be absolute assholes. Mine can sour the mood of the whole house within 30 seconds of walking in the door. I love him more that life but I can really get into it with him when he pushes my buttons. Your Dp doesn't sound vile & abusive he sounds human. Hang on in there, take some time out, spend a few hours with your youngest
It does get better

Ditto

It's really not appropriate for you to run out and cry in the car while your DP deals with your children - one of whom he's just had a massive argument with.

You say DP and DD get on well when everything is fine, but not when it’s not.

I’ll give you the advice every female should have tattooed on her forearm (imo): the strength of a relationship is not how good it is when everything is fine, but how things are handled when things are not going fine.

Tantruming from DP is a terrible sign.

My kids dad is unable to handle the their moods without tantruming. I dread the teen years on my kids’ behalf. I very much wish he was not their father and I could kick him out of their lives altogether.

In your situation, there is no way I would keep that man in their lives.

Screen ban sounds like a good idea. Maybe you decide to ignore/walk away from the eye rolling but have consequences for shouting? So choose your battles. Don't make threats (or promises) you cant follow through. Sorting the new bedroom furniture today could be another consequence but maybe you want it built?

It's really hard trying to mediate between a child and an adult - often both are partly right and partly wrong!

She’s a teenager. Teenagers are dicks. They grow out of it.

Your adult male partner has no such excuse. He really needs to go.

You told HIM off because your daughter was having a teenaged strop?

I'd be upset in his position, too. Why are you blaming him, for her behaviour?

Absolutely this. Take him and do something lovely - leave weak man and stroppy madam to sort themselves out. Repeat until they can get a grip.

I agree. In fact, I was much more reactive as a mother than the DP in this situation. I hate rudeness and ingratitude, particularly in a child of mine.

Solo counselling for your daughter 100%. Encourage private meaningful conversation with her about whatever comes out of it. And counselling for you too if you can afford it or read plenty of books. You need to strengthen your relationship with your daughter it should be rock solid and come first! You discipline her, you try to understand her, you support her. You two are a unit first and your partner is outside that unit.

‘now you’ve set her off’ what a way to make her feel like she is on the outside of you two instead!

some bedroom furniture arrived yesterday for DD's bedroom that needed building. She'd had a bit of a huff that he hadn't done it yesterday (we were all out with some friends so there wasn't really time) and that it wasn't ready for her this morning. At the time he didn't actually say anything, he let it go over his head. He jokingly said this morning 'oh I better go build that because I got moaned at yesterday' and she kicked off screaming that she hadn't moaned about it. I said 'oh great now you've set her off

Sounds as if they both need to learn when to stfu!

He was daft to "poke the bear" with that comment but you hardly helped!

"Now you've set her off"-wonder how you daughter feels about that!

As for the furniture -why is it up to him to do it?

I'd be adding time on for each huff!

DP moving out isn't going to solve the fundamental problem. You've said that when he's not there she turns her behaviour on you. So while his responses are absolutely not acceptable you also need to address her behaviour.

One of his complaints is that he always gets the blame. You've said He jokingly said this morning 'oh I better go build that because I got moaned at yesterday' and she kicked off screaming that she hadn't moaned about it. I said 'oh great now you've set her off'. I don't see anything wrong in what he said. And he was going to go and get stuck in. But you did blame him for the fallout, not her reaction to what he said.

His reactions aren't good. You need to get him to walk away and not engage. But then you will have to do some serious parenting to address her behaviour. How are you going to deal with her? What you've tried so far has had no effect. I don't agree that she's just being a typical teenager. I wasn't like that, posters have said they weren't, our children weren't like that.

This may help. It has some strategies to deal with it without conflict:

7 Keys to Handling Difficult Teenagers | Psychology Today

‘now you’ve set her off’ what a way to make her feel like she is on the outside of you two instead!

I see that as completely the opposite. By blaming him OP is saying it's her and DD against him.