Emotional Affair fallout

[Wavesofrage]

Hi

I have several things I need to work through but the most important for me right now is how to deal with the level of rage I am experiencing.
We are 35 years married, were still very close but DH has managed to run a relationship for two years which progressed to an Emotional Affair.

I called time early December, there was lots of denial but gradually over the following weeks I learnt about the level of intensity they shared. The extreme being after she left their shared work place in September 23 then decided to go back there were many excited texts. Her husband to be stopped speaking to her but mine was ringing and texting his support. They kept saying they missed each other and he said she wasn't allowed to leave him again. Meanwhile that morning I'd told him I was feeling rough and suspected COVID. Guess how many messages I got?

She then got married in October and in November DH was one of the first to find out she is pregnant.

He acknowledges the above took place and now feels ashamed but says at the time he felt he was supporting a friend. Please can someone explain this level of disconnect?

And the level of my anger is visceral. One part of the day we are talking things through and rebuilding. Another I'm wailing and another I want to rip him to pieces. He has ruined everything.

On top of which I now can't express my f outrage because I'm also struggling to support my DH before he throws himself in the river and after being gaslit for the last 12months.

How long do the waves last? I feel I need to lock myself away to stop me hurting anyone. Even the dog is keeping his distance. It's horrible.

Apologies if it is disjointed I'm all over the place at the moment.

It might take forever to get over this. The anger & resentment is as you describe. This I know.

Time may soften the impact of his shi**y behaviour and presumably you’re not trusting him either at present?

He’s behaved like a selfish prat. The only saving grace is that presumably, he wasn’t intimate with her?

Only you can decide where you want to go with this, but I bet a piece of your heart has died and frankly, you may never get that loving feeling back again. Can you live like that.

Although it’s tempting to want to analyse him and try to find answers, it’s pointless and degrading to yourself. If he’s suicidal, he can access help from professionals, don’t allow him to make you feel responsible for him.

Focus on what you want your life to look like, your future. What does your ideal house look and feel like? Do you want to keep a low quality man around? A man that’s demonstrably untrustworthy. The sunk costs fallacy applies here, you’ve given the man 3 decades, what do you want you life to be now? Peaceful, free, calm, happy? Or more of this shit?

Thank you, he wasn't and I do believe him. He's in pieces. I love him to bits but can't understand how anyone can be so deceitful for such a long time. He says he compartmentalises people.

OK. It sounds like he is a lot older than her (if she's just had a baby and you've been married 35 years?) And he's behaving like a total prat. Does she feel the same as him? Otherwise it's him having a crush and behaving inappropriately, not an "emotional affair". He could get in a lot of hot water and lose his job if she complains about him.

I think you need to tell him he needs counselling and not do the "pick me" dance. "She" is a fantasy. You are real. If he's depressed he needs to go to the GP. You don't need to fix him.

Then you also need to think about what you want now. Counselling for you could also be helpful.

Good luck op, it sounds really hard

First. Sending a huge hug. Really tough situation for you. Do you feel that counselling may help you both work through things slowly? You'd have a session apart first so you can tell a cllr exactly how you feel.

How old is she? How old is he? Married 35 years makes me think you must both be at least mid 50s. She must be no older than late 30s no?
Do you get the sense she felt the same way or is your dh just a sad fucker who developed limerance

The ages of the people are irrelevant. The man can be ‘in pieces’ all he wants, I’m sure he wasn’t in pieces when lusting after the woman. He would need to do huge, huge amounts of work on himself if he were to be remotely worthy of his wife not discarding him. And even then, why would anyone want some sad fucker dragging them down, when they could be enjoying life?

Definitely one way to look at it. I probably only have 10 to 20 years left and by the time we've sorted everything out that will be another three years gone. I really don't know where to go with this yet.

Maybe I’m misreading and there’s a lot more to the story but it doesn’t sound like an emotional affair to me, just a close friendship and probably a crush on your DH’s behalf.

Thank you.

This was one of my biggest concerns. There's 22 years between them. I've archived all the phone calls and messages in case it takes a nasty turn. Her husband doesn't know but their work does.

Having gone through all the phone calls and texts it looks about even, he was being flattered, she calls him (The) Rock and babe he would listen to her woes while they worked together.

To answer some of the other questions
Her husband is a gamer, she complained to DH about not getting enough attention (inc sexual). DH is normally one of the good ones, women (and men) find him easy to talk to. He says she reminds him of me and is attracted to the energy. She's ladish and fun to work with.

Who are you replying to?

Anyway, good luck, hopefully you can focus on and prioritise yourself. The mans thoughts, worthless words and sleazy behaviour choices are repulsive.

QAnoun, Agree it started as a work wife but grew into a more caring time consuming role.

splitter, Limerence I read as being a one sided obsession, she was often the first to text each day or when she was out at night with friends.

So. Ok. Can we please stop calling my DH a sad fucker.

I asked if anyone understood about waves of rage. We have had a very happy marriage for 30 odd years, I don't know what the outcome will be but I don't want to destroy any hope of a future together because I can't get a handle on my feelings.

If I do the reply arrow then write in the box below should that do it? Or do I have to name each person?

It's not much help but I do believe men are capable of compartmentalising. They definitely do so between sex and love. They also have massive egos so attention from someone much younger confirmed his status as "quite a catch". You, of course, had somehow ceased to recognise how wonderful he was and doubtless caused him mental anxiety as a result. Has he told you this yet by any chance?

I went through something similar with my DH to whom I was married for nearly 30 years. Christ it hurt. We tried to reconcile (well, mostly I tried) whilst he read me the Script. We struggled on for a few years but it didn't work. The damage was too great. Like a precious vase lying in pieces at my feet. I didn't want it back with glue marks all over it, it was gone and best put in the bin.

Thank you. I think I'm going to have to sort this out this week.

Apologies for the replies not being in order I thought I'd replied correctly.

Thank you ginasevern this is what I fear most. Sorry it didn't work out for you. I never expected to be here today.

If he compartmentalises people so easily then there's nothing to stop it happening again is there? You're out of sight so you're out of mind.

He needs to grow up, why is he acting like he's the victim here instead of supporting you? His behaviour is extraordinarily selfish (still). You don't have to support him but if he wants to move forward in any way then he needs to accept your anger as it is a result of his betrayal. He needs to allow you to express that so that you can work through it, his pathetic self pity is helping no one.

It might take years to really get over this OP, and things will never be the same. It tends to go one of two ways I think, either you spend a lot of your time obsessively wondering and worrying about what he's up to - or you stop caring.

I think it will be difficult to move forward at all though if he continues to act like a weak, pathetic coward who is only thinking of himself.

Why is your husband feeling so upset now? Because she's pregnant and married? Because his affair was found out?

Men and their bloody egos 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
Unfortunately op, you won’t be able to sort this out “this week”. The visceral rage you feel is due to the massive betrayal and that kind of rage and hurt and pain does not dissipate over night, it’s takes years. And consistent action from him to show he is no longer such an idiot.
Anyhow, you asked how to deal with the rage. Go out in the car, singing whatever “fuck you” songs you can find, at the top of your voice
Dig the garden, literally attack it with a fork and spade.
Do a Boxercise workout (freely available on YouTube) and punch the shit out of it.
Walk the dog in a quiet place, at a fast stomp, muttering to yourself all the hurtful shit you want to say to him. Pile a load of pillows on your bed and attack them.
Physically releasing the rage you feel will stop you releasing it on him and help you to remain calm when he continues to say stupid shit (which he will)

None of us ever do expect it my lovely. I thought my DH was the last person on earth to have an affair, emotional or otherwise. I would have laughed if anyone had suggest it. He preferred gardening and talking about real ale. But here we are.

Hand up to getting obsessive. His Mum knows now so gawd knows how that's going to go.

Apologies again. I do the reply arrow and post. No idea why they don't line up.

MILTOBE, Not at all the baby or her getting married, he knows her husband as well. Although I did notice the texts were less prolific in November. Its definitely the fallout after I stopped them texting, I knew it was often but hadn't realised he'd literally chosen her over us.

Got it. Quote post. I've been using the reply arrow 🙄

Actually just posting is a help. I'm quite loud so will have to consider the neighbours.

Exactly this.

In a very, very long marriage this is it?
It is bugger all IMO. Flirting. Stupid and degrading but, that is it.

An emotional affair is still cheating and It usually take 2-5 years to recover. There’s no way to speed it up. Only you can decide if he and your marriage is worth it. Your reaction is completely normal.

However while he is saying he managed it ‘because he can compartmentalise’ he is unsafe as a partner. It is far more than this as to why he allowed himself to open his door to this woman. When he first overstepped the line he knew he was doing wrong. He isn’t taking responsibility for his choices. He had an EA because he wanted to. He cheated because he felt it was a good choice for him. He cheated because of what he gained in the moment.

He needs to figure out his whys. He will have poor personality traits that enabled him to do this: low self esteem, requiring ego kibbles (smoke up his arse), external validation, addiction issues, risk taking behaviours, people pleasing, inability to self soothe, instant gratification, poor coping mechanisms, poor communication skills, low integrity, dishonesty, ability to compartmentalise etc. Knight in shining armour complex (KISA). He needs to figure out his reasons and do the work. Unless he fixes the issues he will remain capable of cheating. Sadly the traits that allow someone to cheat are the traits that mean someone finds it very hard to do The Work involved in creating a new successful marriage. They want to minimise, omit the full truth, rug sweep and push you to get over it. They play the victim and blame the relationship (or you) for their crappy choices. They experience regret but not remorse.

Cheating is easy, it’s not because a person is sexy or desirable, anyone can cheat. Just download tinder or pop to a sex club. I choose to remain faithful. It’s a choice that I make. My vows mean something to me. I don’t cheat for me. My husband is really annoying at times, I don’t remain faithful for him. That would put him in control of my behaviour - which is daft. I could even twist that logic and say if he does A I am faithful but if he does C I flirt with my administrator or the man at the bar. So I am not faithful for him, I remain faithful for me. I want my word, my self respect and my integrity to mean something to ME. Because I matter to ME. What am I if my words are meaningless?

Try reading Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and how to help my spouse heal from affair. The website surviving infidelity will help too. EA is cheating and some women find this worse than a one off one night stand. I wish you well.