Emotional Affair fallout

[Wavesofrage]

Hi

I have several things I need to work through but the most important for me right now is how to deal with the level of rage I am experiencing.
We are 35 years married, were still very close but DH has managed to run a relationship for two years which progressed to an Emotional Affair.

I called time early December, there was lots of denial but gradually over the following weeks I learnt about the level of intensity they shared. The extreme being after she left their shared work place in September 23 then decided to go back there were many excited texts. Her husband to be stopped speaking to her but mine was ringing and texting his support. They kept saying they missed each other and he said she wasn't allowed to leave him again. Meanwhile that morning I'd told him I was feeling rough and suspected COVID. Guess how many messages I got?

She then got married in October and in November DH was one of the first to find out she is pregnant.

He acknowledges the above took place and now feels ashamed but says at the time he felt he was supporting a friend. Please can someone explain this level of disconnect?

And the level of my anger is visceral. One part of the day we are talking things through and rebuilding. Another I'm wailing and another I want to rip him to pieces. He has ruined everything.

On top of which I now can't express my f outrage because I'm also struggling to support my DH before he throws himself in the river and after being gaslit for the last 12months.

How long do the waves last? I feel I need to lock myself away to stop me hurting anyone. Even the dog is keeping his distance. It's horrible.

Apologies if it is disjointed I'm all over the place at the moment.

Um, you’ve made multiple posts so you’re equally invested. Not sure you can tell me what I’m allowed to post either? Are you a close friend of the happy couple perhaps 🤔😂

Of course you’re allowed to post but this is just wave after wave of aggression on it - for what? If you don’t feel like being helpful to someone who might be going through something awful, why bother? It’s one thing to say that quite honestly you think he’s having a laugh if that’s your view and you think she should hear it; it’s another to ridicule her into every last corner of each of her posts.

If you check again you’ll see that I’m employing exactly the same amount of sarcasm as the OP when she keeps disingenuously wishing me well. Are you a very close relative of the OP? You must see that her rage being abruptly extinguished on the occasion of her DH’s epiphany re aphantasia reads like a particularly bad soap opera script? I mean it’s amusing in its own way but believable? Nope 👎

It reads as though a cheating man has written the post, sounding out a plausable excuse for infedelity.

Well the op did say they were only allowing one week to sort this out, never heard a woman say that after a betrayal.

Yeah this makes sense. OP's replies are also odd and far from convincing too.

Yeah, the changes in tone from the OP are bizarre.

It comes down to this one point you made: If he claims he doesn't associate memories with emotions than he would not have cared if she was coming back to work with him because his memories of working with her would have been nothing and no emotions attached. Yet he made you cry and said "he was choosing his own happiness over mine." Oh, no emotional memory, really?! Seems like he remembers she makes him happy with all the "excited texts."

He is running in circles trying to catch up with his lies and has caught you in his vortex of deceit. I thought had heard it all, but this is a new one and it is absurd and absolutely shameful. I wish you luck because I sense a very poor outcome in the end and I really wish you would see you deserve a partner that cherishes you. It is not your job to fix him. Shame on him for thinking you are worth so little.

Either that or it's a two pronged attack by husband and wife so someone doesn't lose their job.

The fact that his workplace know, but the husband doesn't leads me to believe he's in trouble at work and there needs to be a diagnosis or intervention to save a career, it would fit with him feeling suicidal.

Most wives would contact the ow or the husband before informing work.

It is bizarre.

He can't visualise outcomes. His memory recall is not pictures with emotion attached. I guess he operates like a robot for every day life. I agree Aphantasia doesn't explain everything. It explains his living in the present maybe the impulsiveness.
OP he CAN visual outcome. This is demonstrated by his very long term conduct of sneaking around and deceit. He very much could visualise outcomes. People who can not visualise outcomes don't plot cunning and sky ways to cover their tracks.

I haven't read back I will in a few days time but at the moment I need to concentrate on everyday stuff and I can't allow myself to get distracted with negative posts. Apologies if yours is a nice supportive one.

The following are random musings.

1. DH has always gravitated towards women. When we used to hang out with 4 or 5 other couples the lads would stay at home and game while we girls went clubbing. DH always came with us. He's a bit like Raj on BBT, well presented and polite.

1. There is another condition called SDAM which overlaps with Aphantasia. SDAM is more to do with memory and there's two parts to the memory, episodic and semantic. I've also noticed DH adopts my words. Eg. I ask him a question, he takes ages to reply so I say is it like blah, blah, blah? (Sometimes he may expand). Then days later if I ask the same question he will answer blah, blah, blah. There is lots of room for inconsistencies in what he says and I now wonder how much he is used to filling in the gaps if it's an old memory. He says he keeps them around a week (not the 3 days we spoke about), they fade by around two weeks and he's left with a list of words that's filed against the event/person some general, some specific.

IE. DH cannot remember DD being born. He knows where and when but has no visual memory of the room etc. He can remember leaving the room to ring his Dad!

Apparently having SDAM also means they are calm, no past - no baggage, no future - no worries. Only living for today.

1. DH has a habit I find irritating, if he falls asleep on the sofa when he wakes up he says "Did I go to sleep? How long was I asleep for?" I just think of course you went to sleep you've been snoring for 20 mins! Now I'm thinking what if his screen is blank both awake and asleep and he doesn't experience that transition phase between the two states. I can tell when I'm falling asleep sometimes I can catch myself inbetween, totally relaxed but conscious. His must be like flicking a switch?

1. DH not choosing between me and friend but between me and himself was harsh.

We had a holiday in the 90s when he spent the whole of our week's spend on a leather jacket on the first day. In group settings he will turn his back on me and DD to speak to others as if he forgets we are there. He's otherwise not a rude person.

He has a sense of self, the therapist we saw suggested he always had to put himself first because no-one had been there for him as a child. This though is a whole new kettle of fish because I now don't know they can draw any conclusions based on his memory.

I only mention these things given around 3% also experience SDAM and/or Aphantasia and I'm sure I'll have more musings over the coming days. I've also begun to feel sorry for myself again which I'm quite pleased about in a weird way.
Anyway back to bed.

Oh stop it op 😆

Ffs have you swallowed a self help book, the bloody ramblings are madness 🤣 The pair of you sound demented and probably deserve each other 🙄

He’s done a right number on you hasn’t he!?

Thanks for the further hilarity 😂 I’m wondering what the next instalment will bring? Was your DH possibly traumatised by a giraffe in his infancy and is now terrified of tall people? Or did he once drop a tissue and now sees tiny little ghosts every time he sees the word Kleenex? The possibilities you might discover about this man you’ve lived with for years really are endless 🤦🏻‍♀️

@InShockHusbandLeaving
Silly billy, did you not ponder and see he can't form memories?
🤣

Damn, I’d forgotten his other problems 😮😂😂😂

@Wavesofrage is her baby definitely her DH’s and not your DH’s?

Jesus. This has become utterly bizarre! Am expecting to see JR in the shower any time soon...

Jesus. This is sad.

Wow, amazingly diagnosed with two non-medical conditions that there is no definitive diagnosis for in the span of a few days. It is truly amazing and kudos to the doctor that figured out how to do this when the rest of the world can't. I would suggest OP make sure her husband carries condoms at all times in case he forgets to visualize he is married. This whole thread is utter nonsense and just downright delusional and sad. This is the worst walkover I have ever seen.

Hi

Firstly apologies, I didn't come back sooner because it was too hard to keep defending myself on top of all the grief I was going through.

Thank you to those of you who sought to help me look after myself and see reason, one post in particular was an earworm but I can't find it now. I think I was
"It's never 55 year old Brian in accounts"
This kept me grounded when all else was failing.

For the disbelievers.
I didn't ask to discover the Aphantasia in the middle of all this, it made it even more complicated. He also lacks the inner voice (anaduralia) which is huge to me because I have whole conversations with mine 😁. It does mean the first therapist we had decided she couldn't work with DH because he can only remember bits of traumatic events, no happy events. She suggested EMDR because she thought he may have "shut down" when his father left but they have also said as he has only limited memory and no distress associated with those memories there's nothing they can do.

The week we were due the second therapist visit we all got flu so had to cancel then DH ended up in hospital as his oxygen dropped to 89%. This caused me immense distress as I didn't know what level of care to give him. Should it be the normal nothing is too much trouble? Bare minimum? Or the level of disregard he gave me when excitedly chatting with "friend" while I was at home ill with suspected COVID? It even crossed my mind that at least if he died I wouldn't have to go through the next two years then realised I would still feel guilty and end up in therapy. Then the Dr signed him off for 3 weeks which has been intensive.

More to come. Posting before I loose it.

I think I have moved to the acceptance phase, a couple of hours of heavy metal was the thing that helped most with the anger and rage then YT would throw up something mellow and I'd bawl.

DH has taken a long hard look at himself and decided he didn't like the person he was last year, apparently being part of the in crowd made him arrogant. He was bullying younger men and had started checking out other women.
NB. Thank you to the person who mentioned the father daughter reference. I used it and he looked gutted, it really resonated with him how far he'd fallen.

He's also been able to compare his reaction when one of his best male friends in work recently left. DH says he will miss him but does not feel compelled to text him or keep in touch by phone . That's his normal level of friendship, he will probably text in a week or two to see how his friend is doing but normally he moves on quite quickly.

We still have bit's and pieces coming to light. Foolish me kept repeating but he did have boundaries, he didn't go to the pub when asked, didn't go for coffee. Apparently though when I ask did you go for coffee with Jess it doesn't count if it's in works customer restaurant. 🙄 And I now believe he lies all the time. Sort of glib saying without thinking, not even covering things up. Just stuff to make up an answer. Easier than explaining the truth 🤷🏻‍♀️ things I would never have questioned before.

I have no idea how to help DH, he really needs a behavioural therapist but all here seem to be CBT or psychotherapy . Going forward, DH has dug out all our old photos and been tasked with making a collage and we've begun to socialise more (keep him on his toes) as I think he had got far too comfortable with me playing back up. I have signed up to betterhelp to offload and got interviews this week with two therapists to decide who to work with long term as I have drawn parallels between my abusive father and DH, my two most significant males and the lack of regard as a person they gave me. It's crushing.

There's some really interesting posts I want to follow up, back soon.

Please don't start calling me deranged or whatever navigating this is hard enough.