Page 3 | Emotional Affair fallout

Wavesofrage · 2024-01-28T10:57:45+00:00

Hi I have several things I need to work through but the most important for me right now is how to deal with the level of rage I am experiencing. We are 35 years married, were still very close but DH has managed to run a relationship for two years which progressed to an Emotional Affair. I called time early December, there was lots of denial but gradually over the following weeks I learnt about the level of intensity they shared. The extreme being after she left their shared work place in September 23 then decided to go back there were many excited texts. Her husband to be stopped speaking to her but mine was ringing and texting his support. They kept saying they missed each other and he said she wasn't allowed to leave him again. Meanwhile that morning I'd told him I was feeling rough and suspected COVID. Guess how many messages I got? She then got married in October and in November DH was one of the first to find out she is pregnant. He acknowledges the above took place and now feels ashamed but says at the time he felt he was supporting a friend. Please can someone explain this level of disconnect? And the level of my anger is visceral. One part of the day we are talking things through and rebuilding. Another I'm wailing and another I want to rip him to pieces. He has ruined everything. On top of which I now can't express my f outrage because I'm also struggling to support my DH before he throws himself in the river and after being gaslit for the last 12months. How long do the waves last? I feel I need to lock myself away to stop me hurting anyone. Even the dog is keeping his distance. It's horrible. Apologies if it is disjointed I'm all over the place at the moment.

Original poster

Wavesofrage · 29/01/2024 18:32

FairyMaclary · 28/01/2024 14:24

An emotional affair is still cheating and It usually take 2-5 years to recover. There’s no way to speed it up. Only you can decide if he and your marriage is worth it. Your reaction is completely normal.

However while he is saying he managed it ‘because he can compartmentalise’ he is unsafe as a partner. It is far more than this as to why he allowed himself to open his door to this woman. When he first overstepped the line he knew he was doing wrong. He isn’t taking responsibility for his choices. He had an EA because he wanted to. He cheated because he felt it was a good choice for him. He cheated because of what he gained in the moment.

He needs to figure out his whys. He will have poor personality traits that enabled him to do this: low self esteem, requiring ego kibbles (smoke up his arse), external validation, addiction issues, risk taking behaviours, people pleasing, inability to self soothe, instant gratification, poor coping mechanisms, poor communication skills, low integrity, dishonesty, ability to compartmentalise etc. Knight in shining armour complex (KISA). He needs to figure out his reasons and do the work. Unless he fixes the issues he will remain capable of cheating. Sadly the traits that allow someone to cheat are the traits that mean someone finds it very hard to do The Work involved in creating a new successful marriage. They want to minimise, omit the full truth, rug sweep and push you to get over it. They play the victim and blame the relationship (or you) for their crappy choices. They experience regret but not remorse.

Cheating is easy, it’s not because a person is sexy or desirable, anyone can cheat. Just download tinder or pop to a sex club. I choose to remain faithful. It’s a choice that I make. My vows mean something to me. I don’t cheat for me. My husband is really annoying at times, I don’t remain faithful for him. That would put him in control of my behaviour - which is daft. I could even twist that logic and say if he does A I am faithful but if he does C I flirt with my administrator or the man at the bar. So I am not faithful for him, I remain faithful for me. I want my word, my self respect and my integrity to mean something to ME. Because I matter to ME. What am I if my words are meaningless?

Try reading Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and how to help my spouse heal from affair. The website surviving infidelity will help too. EA is cheating and some women find this worse than a one off one night stand. I wish you well.

So much information. Honestly I hadn't even heard of an emotional affair so all the personality types on top 🤯

I think I recognise the White Knight stuff. He drove 20 miles to bring a female friends car home to clean and get it valued then went car shopping with her. I helped clean the car 😬

I bought the book this morning and read the first two chapters in bed, we've been talking on and off all day so chapter 3 tonight. Onwards

OP posts:

DiamondGazette · 29/01/2024 18:39

You can mend things within your marriage, if you both want to. 35 years is a long time to be married. I would suggest couples counselling, so you can talk to someone impartial about what has happened.

Original poster

Wavesofrage · 29/01/2024 18:44

akire19 · 29/01/2024 01:32

i absolutely understand your rage I really do and am at a loss on how to contain mine I don’t want to hijack you page and when ready will post my story to get advice. Don’t put your energy into making a decisions at the moment as rage and anger is terrible for clouding things . This is my advise get some space go out for the day bring a pen and notebook with you and write down how you feel . Make a plan only you can decide what that looks like and this may change . I’m sorry that you are going through this . You may actually not be ready for counselling as this is all too raw. Rage coupled with shock can leave your reeling it’s like a ptsd on acid and the disbelief that this has come in your door like a bad smell . This is all about you now, how you feel, you are the priority, you are important .

So sorry you're going through this too. I've never found hitting pillows useful, tried it as a teenager and felt stupid but with the pent up anger and depth of despair I was belting and bellowing. It actually only took a few minutes to get it out of my system. I quickly felt much better and the dog will sit with me again. 🐕

OP posts:

Original poster

Wavesofrage · 29/01/2024 18:47

DiamondGazette · 29/01/2024 18:39

You can mend things within your marriage, if you both want to. 35 years is a long time to be married. I would suggest couples counselling, so you can talk to someone impartial about what has happened.

Thank you, in an ideal world it is what we both want but I have trouble with the level of cognitive dissonance at the moment. I'm seriously wondering if there is more going on.

OP posts:

FairyMaclary · 29/01/2024 19:05

The car story - it’s good you recognise it. But don’t share that with him. Him doing the work is figuring out this shit and coming to you to tell you how he is fixing it. Don’t you do his work. Your priority is you. He should be finding the material and sharing it with you. Booking counselling and asking you to go etc. Watch his actions (ignore his words - he lies).

I get why you haven’t considered an EA an affair before. I do think infidelity is portrayed terribly in the media. It causes PTSD in some victims. I think education in this area is very important. So much time, money and life is lost due to people not recognising the damage their CHOICES cause.

Instead affairs are portrayed as romantic, sexy, thrilling (I personally think seedy, cheap and grim with an air of behind the bike shed with Clare’s boyfriend Steve in Form 10C). It wasn’t a good look then.

Films and books with infidelity in them are ruined for me for this reason. You would hate to watch a film containing infidelity with me. I look for poor characteristics and personality traits - the dashing man becomes a middle aged cliche who needs counselling. The OW or OM I wonder why they are happy to be a dirty secret. Why are they prepared to be hidden from view? Do they believe the lies? I see Bottom and Titania rather than Romeo and Juliet.

They are not victims of love and circumstance, the stars didn’t align etc they are just people with some of those poor personality traits who didn’t really believe in the vows they CHOSE to make publicly in front of their family and friends.

They have a ‘but’ in their fidelity. I am faithful ‘but’ not if my spouse won’t find out. I am faithful ‘but’ naked pics on only fans isn’t cheating as I haven’t touched them. I am faithful ‘but’ not on a stag do when I’ll never see her again.

Good luck with the reading. There are other resources (ignore any unmet needs). Remember if it’s ever a deal breaker for you (even 10 years later) it’s okay. Just because you try doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind at any point. Look after you, put yourself first in this. You need to be okay.

The script is worth a read.

Original poster

Wavesofrage · 29/01/2024 19:19

adriftabroad · 28/01/2024 17:37

I mocked absolutely nobody.
I am not offended.
I simply agreed with another poster in order to give the Op another perspective, to get it into prespective.

The OP needs to look at herself a little more, is my now final opinion.
Get divorced after 35 years for the most silly indiscretion... not helpful advice in my view.

Show quote history

There was no silly indiscretion. It has been two years of her gradually infiltrating our lives and replacing me. Ok he hadn't got to the sex part they were effectively still courting. She had invited him to her house for coffee and he chose not to go so he does have boundaries. He spent all his time communicating with her while I did the maintenance. Would you do that to your partner?

OP posts:

FairyMaclary · 29/01/2024 19:19

You have just posted - ‘I'm seriously wondering if there is more going on’.

If there is more going on and he minimised that is an example of why a cheater doesn’t have the characteristics necessary for reconciliation.

The need to minimise, deflect, deny, lie and control is one of the cheaters problems. They think they deserve to control the truth. They think they can control the situation by not giving you 100% honesty about your marriage. They think they deserve to know everything but it’s okay if you have stuff withheld. They don’t want to be the bad guy in their story.

To reconcile they need to put you first. Your need for agency, truth, honesty, compassion, respect. But they are still thinking about ‘me me me’.

If there is more going on and you find out later on it’s called Trickle Truth and if you have started to heal you go back to square one. Often with a harder heart more aware of his unattractive qualities.

In many cases it is the Trickle truth that ends the relationship not the affair.

If they saw each other out of work, Alone, especially in a private place there is a good chance it went further. I’m not saying that to be harsh I’m saying it because adults who openly fancy each other have sex.

adriftabroad · 29/01/2024 19:21

Honestly? You sound intensly irritating. Naive in the extreme.
My partner is none of your business.

adriftabroad · 29/01/2024 19:24

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Original poster

Wavesofrage · 29/01/2024 19:30

FairyMaclary · 29/01/2024 19:19

You have just posted - ‘I'm seriously wondering if there is more going on’.

If there is more going on and he minimised that is an example of why a cheater doesn’t have the characteristics necessary for reconciliation.

The need to minimise, deflect, deny, lie and control is one of the cheaters problems. They think they deserve to control the truth. They think they can control the situation by not giving you 100% honesty about your marriage. They think they deserve to know everything but it’s okay if you have stuff withheld. They don’t want to be the bad guy in their story.

To reconcile they need to put you first. Your need for agency, truth, honesty, compassion, respect. But they are still thinking about ‘me me me’.

If there is more going on and you find out later on it’s called Trickle Truth and if you have started to heal you go back to square one. Often with a harder heart more aware of his unattractive qualities.

In many cases it is the Trickle truth that ends the relationship not the affair.

If they saw each other out of work, Alone, especially in a private place there is a good chance it went further. I’m not saying that to be harsh I’m saying it because adults who openly fancy each other have sex.

Hah! They did August 10th. Off to do the maths!

OP posts:

FairyMaclary · 29/01/2024 19:36

Op do you have real life support? Please go onto the Surviving infidelity website - there are lots of resources available . It is far slower than here but the posters are very knowledgable.

Original poster

Wavesofrage · 29/01/2024 19:53

FairyMaclary · 29/01/2024 19:36

Op do you have real life support? Please go onto the Surviving infidelity website - there are lots of resources available . It is far slower than here but the posters are very knowledgable.

Done. Thank you. Do you suggest the full story in the opening post?

OP posts:

LifeExperience · 29/01/2024 19:55

Rage is normal and justified. He blew up your life, too, and he had no right whatsoever to do that. My first "d"h had an affair and had he been around when I found out I think I might have murdered him I was so angry. I completely understand crimes of passion after experiencing that all-consuming, total rage.

Your marriage is over. You will never trust him again after doing that to you.
I'm sorry, OP.

If it's any consolation, my second marriage has been very happy. I was careful to choose a very different man.

HenndigoOZ · 29/01/2024 20:07

I can’t believe after that all came out that he threatened suicide. Why? Is he grieving the loss of the emotional affair now that it’s come out? If he loved you and wanted to save the relationship he should be taking himself to counselling, looking for new jobs and putting boundaries in place to protect your long marriage. It seems instead he is wallowing. I feel for you and hope you find clarity of thought with the resources others have provided.

Original poster

Wavesofrage · 29/01/2024 20:15

HenndigoOZ · 29/01/2024 20:07

I can’t believe after that all came out that he threatened suicide. Why? Is he grieving the loss of the emotional affair now that it’s come out? If he loved you and wanted to save the relationship he should be taking himself to counselling, looking for new jobs and putting boundaries in place to protect your long marriage. It seems instead he is wallowing. I feel for you and hope you find clarity of thought with the resources others have provided.

It was after going through the WhatsApp timelines he saw how differently we were being treated. It took about 8 hours over two days. He's bounced back today. 🫤

OP posts:

RandomForest · 29/01/2024 20:24

It was after going through the WhatsApp timelines he saw how differently
we were being treated. It took about 8 hours over two days. He's
bounced back today.

Op I understand your need to make him see how he has hurt you, most people do that, to try to make them understand why their behaviour hurt.

But they know, they are not idiots who blindly fell into not being a caring partner, this is where it hurts the recognition that they did this puposefully knowing you would be damaged.

It's the intention and you are awakening to the fact that this man may not be the man you thought he was.

It's a terrifying realisation.

Quirkyme · 29/01/2024 20:26

Time to get a divorce.

FairyMaclary · 29/01/2024 20:33

Yes post what has happened. If it’s far longer and more detailed than on here that’s okay no one will tell you that your post was too long.

Mycatsarethebest · 29/01/2024 21:01

I'm trying to understand the timeline here. Can you answer a few questions? @Wavesofrage

When did you actually find out about this and how?
You say you "called time" in December. What does this actually mean?

Had he mentioned this woman to you before this - a "Friend" of his that he was supporting?

While I believe that some men can be very stupid at times and respond to flattery by a woman which they may not see, I cannot believe this went on for two years in this way. If he did not mention it then he knew it was wrong.

It's very early days and there is no way that all of this will resolve itself anytime soon. Men who are in this situation suffer grief over their broken relationship whatever form that was. They also minimise to cover their tails. They panic and the first thought is to keep the status quo.

Minimise your rage? Why should you? It is part of the process.

Original poster

Wavesofrage · 29/01/2024 21:33

Mycatsarethebest · 29/01/2024 21:01

I'm trying to understand the timeline here. Can you answer a few questions? @Wavesofrage

When did you actually find out about this and how?
You say you "called time" in December. What does this actually mean?

Had he mentioned this woman to you before this - a "Friend" of his that he was supporting?

While I believe that some men can be very stupid at times and respond to flattery by a woman which they may not see, I cannot believe this went on for two years in this way. If he did not mention it then he knew it was wrong.

It's very early days and there is no way that all of this will resolve itself anytime soon. Men who are in this situation suffer grief over their broken relationship whatever form that was. They also minimise to cover their tails. They panic and the first thought is to keep the status quo.

Minimise your rage? Why should you? It is part of the process.

It's progressed over two years, colleagues first then Work wife +. I've always known of her. In the early days he mentioned one text where she was complaining she wanted a baby and her HtB was not interested. I told him to tell her to speak to her partner which he did.

I don't mind him being friends with women, I watch and listen they move on, it's happened several times. This one was different. Last year I tried complaining, arguing, making a joke of it, anything to get him to realise it was becoming a problem. Eventually early December I lost patience after seeing a message calling him babe. I found others from earlier but I deliberately hadn't read them because I wanted to trust him.

Things he kept secret was phoning while out walking the dog. Contact continued when she moved to a new place of work. Found out today there's 'jostling' and ladish play in their work area which means lots of contact and green lights 🙄
Short impromptu work trip together 10th August.

He says he feels better for not having to reply to texts and constantly go into work to help (her) out. There were a lot of messages no wonder he didn't have time for us.

OP posts:

DiamondGazette · 29/01/2024 22:07

Does her husband know the nature of their relationship?

barkymcbark · 29/01/2024 22:32

My exdh had an emotional affair, it was one of the most painful experiences in my life. It was his capacity for deceit that I couldn't get over.

Original poster

Wavesofrage · 29/01/2024 23:01

DiamondGazette · 29/01/2024 22:07

Does her husband know the nature of their relationship?

I don't think he knows the full extent. Apparently he did check them out after she poked DH in the stomach and declared him hard! Honestly they're like children.

Very early messages were her friend had a baby and she didn't think it was going to happen for her because HtB was only interested in gaming. DH likened it to a black mirror episode.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wavesofrage · 29/01/2024 23:02

barkymcbark · 29/01/2024 22:32

My exdh had an emotional affair, it was one of the most painful experiences in my life. It was his capacity for deceit that I couldn't get over.

Sorry to hear that barkymcbark 💐 hope life gets better for you.

OP posts:

Kwam31 · 29/01/2024 23:13

Tbh from the examples of txts I cant see an EA, they seem to be good friends. Why does his mum and work know? all seems a bit dramatic.