Emotional Affair fallout

[Wavesofrage]

Hi

I have several things I need to work through but the most important for me right now is how to deal with the level of rage I am experiencing.
We are 35 years married, were still very close but DH has managed to run a relationship for two years which progressed to an Emotional Affair.

I called time early December, there was lots of denial but gradually over the following weeks I learnt about the level of intensity they shared. The extreme being after she left their shared work place in September 23 then decided to go back there were many excited texts. Her husband to be stopped speaking to her but mine was ringing and texting his support. They kept saying they missed each other and he said she wasn't allowed to leave him again. Meanwhile that morning I'd told him I was feeling rough and suspected COVID. Guess how many messages I got?

She then got married in October and in November DH was one of the first to find out she is pregnant.

He acknowledges the above took place and now feels ashamed but says at the time he felt he was supporting a friend. Please can someone explain this level of disconnect?

And the level of my anger is visceral. One part of the day we are talking things through and rebuilding. Another I'm wailing and another I want to rip him to pieces. He has ruined everything.

On top of which I now can't express my f outrage because I'm also struggling to support my DH before he throws himself in the river and after being gaslit for the last 12months.

How long do the waves last? I feel I need to lock myself away to stop me hurting anyone. Even the dog is keeping his distance. It's horrible.

Apologies if it is disjointed I'm all over the place at the moment.

@Kwam31 if there was sexual interaction between them then it would be a sexual affair, not an emotional one. There doesn't need to be physical intimacy for an emotional affair. It's that the ops husband has begun to invest more in this relationship with another woman than he is investing in his relationship with his wife. If the ops husband was feeling emotionally connected to a male colleague then yes that would still be an emotional affair.

Here's the clue: if he feels that he needs to be secretive about contact with this woman eg secret phone calls etc to her, then there's a reason why he can't be open with his wife about this contact and means it goes beyond average work place friendship. That's consistent with an emotional affair.

Most EAs start as friendship. Then they gradually turn into something else that involves secrets and deceit and the person in the EA ends up investing more in the affair partner than their actual partner and it becomes destructive to that relationship. Friendships don't play out that way because there is no secrets or deceit?

So telling op that it's in her head, it's her own insecurity and it's just a natural, normal friendship when her husband is sneaking out of the house to phone this woman so they can talk without his wife knowing (his wife who's been fine about his other female friendships over the years) is absolutely gaslighting the op. I know it's not what you're intending to do, but it is what you're doing.

@Wavesofrage it's really hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been through this- I found mills and boon type songs and poems written about (and recorded with him playing and singing) about a young woman who used to do bits of work with us and go on work trips with too. I found it all about 10 years after it was happening- I have no reason to think it was anything other than a huge crush/emotional affair - he says she had no idea and it was a crush on his part- but a lot of mutual texting went on at the time too- didn't see the texts but did see the volume on phone bills and at the time he dismissed it as just work stuff. . All I can say is I've never felt 100% the same again-I felt my 100% trust was taken for granted and I was made a mug of- and yep I'm not nearly so trusting of any new found female friends these days-

I dont think an emotional affair necessarily includes suggestive messaging at all stages - its more of an intimate emotional bond which one party prioritises ahead of their (supposedly) primary relationship.

It can of course lead to sexual messaging but it doesn't start that way. I'd suggest if you complaining about your sex life, telling someone they can never leave you again, phoning only whilst alone on dogs walks, messaging your 'mate' rather than your ill partner then yes you are crossing normal work place boundaries and friendships.

@Notonthestairs yep- emotional affairs don't include sex or even always sexual talk, but they do usually include hiding and deleting texts, possible never mentioned lunches and coffees, and generally far more contact be it text or calls (usually multiple times daily ) than is normal with a friendship - and a great deal of secrecy. I personally found it far worse than if he had shagged someone on a drunken night out. It felt planned and involved secrecy and deception.

Exactly! I feel for the husband tbh, if she's going around telling people it's an emotional affair when it is actually a friendship! Are we not allowed to grieve the loss of a work colleague when they leave? O

Oh give us a break! Does this sound like a normal friendship to you? Would you be happy if your partner was behaving like that?

Yes, it's a little more than friendship, it's the intention and usually involves one or more parties fancying one another, age gaps are prevalent and idolising, infatuation and admiration are usually part of the dynamic.

When unearthed these episodes are like watching a partner openly courting another in front of your very eyes, to be sidelined by a life partner can be devastating, they also happen in the MLC years and menopausal years a time where one feels they should be reaping the rewards of being a respectful, loyal partner and when the opposite happens you can't describe the dissapointment and feel everything is ruined.

You feel as though everthing meant nothing.

I disagree. Her husband has consistently prioritised the emotional needs of a woman outside of their marriage. He de-prioritised his partner, and continued to do so. This isn’t her insecurities, this is a marriage, where only one person was engaged and making it work and another was engaged elsewhere, with another woman. It always seems to be women that men do this with, funnily enough not with their male friends.

Also, I am very rarely the person on threads like these suggesting more happened, but the fact they went away together, would really be bothering me. It seems like a massive opportunity for some to have happened. Men very, very rarely admit to this stuff, especially not the full extent.

On top of which I now can't express my f outrage because I'm also struggling to support my DH before he throws himself in the river and after being gaslit for the last 12months

I wouldn't be happy with this at all. He's the one whose turned his head, he should be doing everything possible to rebuild your trust in him. Of course it's an emotional affair, would he give the same amount of effort and support to 60 year old Brian from Accounts? Would he put that much effort into cleaning and selling 57 year old Mike from HR's car for him? He's white knighting for all these women and there's nothing left for you. He's moping around because she "gaslit him". What about his gaslighting of you? Where is he in supporting you?

You seem determined to think he's essentially a good man. He's not. He's told you he put his own happiness above you. Another woman made him happy. He knowingly put her above you.

I'm not saying this to be cruel, but what has he actually done to show you he's sorry? If he needs help to deal with the other woman getting on and living her own life, he needs to get that somewhere else, not from you. He's going to crush your spirit under his great big cheating weight.

I’m so sorry @Wavesofrage. The pain and anger are visceral, I didn’t know I could be so angry. I remember not long after I found out just getting out of bed and going out in my car in the wee small hours, because I felt like my head was exploding. I had to get out but had no idea where to, just not in the house. Suddenly as I drove I realised I was just screaming. It sounded like somebody else doing it, like a mad person.
Scared myself to death, but it was just some kind of response to the shock, to the incomprehensible, to the crazy-making frustration of wanting to “solve” it. I ruminated and obsessed to understand why, to understand how the hell after 35 years he could do what he did to me. It hit me nowhere. Go over and over how this man who was my best friend could do this to me and our children and dupe me and use me to facilitate it. Without me at home he wouldn’t have been able to do half of what they did. It was futile. Futile because it was his job, not mine, to work this out and communicate it to me.
I was furious to say the very least. All the wondering why/ how consumed me and filled me with rage. I realised that what I was actually doing wasn’t my task. This was for him to do, not me. I’m not and never was responsible or to blame for his actions and he needed to understand it and work it out, not me. I needed to find out what I needed. I needed proof of his remorse, in concrete actions, compassion, truth, honesty and to feel like I was the priority.
I needed to see that anything that needed to be done by him to end contact permanently with her, to show his remorse and commitment to me, was being done.
I needed him to deal with his own shit and meanwhile I needed to look after me. I needed to prioritise myself and our kids.
My anger and energy was wasted on the pair of them. If I felt the surge of rage, I would stop, breathe deeply (so simple but very effective) and reframe my thoughts. Remind myself that I had done nothing wrong and that what he did was his issue, not mine. I needed to remind myself what a decent individual I am and feel pride in myself that I wouldn’t behave in such a manner. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t. In the middle of a discussion, if he lied or said something stupid I’d explode in the early days. It never improved anything ultimately, calm reason was my friend when I could anchor myself properly.
In frustrating myself and ruminating and letting it take the driving seat in my mind, I realised that ultimately I was doing all I could to avoid looking at what I couldn’t change or control: I just wanted to make it so that it hadn’t happened, then I’d get angry all over again. The only person I was harming was myself, and I had been harmed enough. I was looking for the impossible.

I learned to breathe through anger and ground myself, I stopped trying to work out why or how he could bring himself to do it, because you’ll never get the answer yourself, you’ll never understand it because you’d never do it. He didn’t have those strengths that would stop you and me from doing it. He needs to figure that out and get them.
This woman is no friend to him as your husband, she’s no friend of your marriage and certainly no friend to you. It’s time she was permanently off the scene, too many boundaries broken for any contact to continue. For good.
Decide what you need from him now. Even if it’s move job/ house/ planet. Your call. And none of this means you’re necessarily going to stay with him either. You can decide that. Tell him. He either does what you need and shapes up or ultimately he loses you. Take care OP. X

I'm sorry but the OP didn't suggest this at all in the original post. Plus, calling it an "emotional affair" is not accurate, not is ut fair IMO.

Sounds great, I’m just off to spend time messaging a male friend while I ignore my husband who’s looking after the kids. Oh no, I’ll give him a terse response. I haven’t got time for more because my lovely attractive male friend needs support. Nothing to see here.

All of this is not easy it really isn’t

@Remotel that was my experience . Too busy popping round to sort their computer or deal with a landlord or a car to ever do any housework or mow the lawn etc - even if they were just friends , the amount of time invested in the other person as opposed to your family makes it all wrong- and strangely they never invest this time and effort with some old guy or a woman that's not usually attractive to them

@Thewookiemustgo what a great post. Sums so much of it so well.

Thank you for the kind messages, I have read them all, hopefully others will find them helpful too.

Firstly I want no more meanness, I am no drama queen and DH no POS we have suffered enough and merely trying to find our way through this.

My truth is still my truth, my understanding has changed.

We have discovered DH has Aphantasia, the most extreme form, which is why we are all finding it difficult to 'reach' him. It explains why he has no happy (or sad) memories only facts. He cannot think into the future or visualise consequences. He lives only in the present.

I'm thinking of it as no colour to his past or future but the playground culture added colour to his daily life which made it more compelling. I think his female friend, likes lots of women, recognised this vulnerability and took him under her wing making him part of the elite group of workers. He has never been part of an elite group, always sidelined or more comfortable with people with learning difficulties. What he had at work was addictive and compelling. To keep it in his life he justified the deceit as omissions not lies.

She was his friend. She was only ever his friend. With her bubbliness and the playground banter he had a joy in his life he got from nothing else and I took it away. If we had realised we could have put in boundaries to enable him to experience the colour without it impacting on his home life.

I appreciate this will not be the answer to many of your stories only 3% or 4% of the population experience Aphantasia in any form but it may help someone 'reach' their partner to help them understand the consequences of their actions. We used a pencil pot and coke can on a coffee table. Work was the the coke can, he put energy in and got joy out, it was a positive feed back loop (a bit addictive) but fine. We were the pencil pot. The more energy he put into work the less he had for home life. Home life (rattle the pot) was dying. Only then did he say he was starting to understand.

Honestly I do not know how he has coped all these years. He experiences happiness and love in the present but cannot conjure up the feelings. My mind is blown.

It was the constant disconnect in his reasoning that made me dig deeper.

Back soon phone call from DH.

May I ask how this 'discovery' was made? Asphantasia has other/many symptoms, none of which have ever been noticed?
She was his friend. She was only ever his friend. that's all your update needed to be, days of drama and upset for nothing.

What a rather weird thread.

I agree with this. It really doesn't sound like an emotional affair to me. They were close friends (as can happen when you spend 8 hours a day with someone), maybe your DH does/did fancy her a bit but so what? I'm sure many married people fancy someone else at some point. It doesn't sound like he was pursuing a relationship with her or saying anything sexual.
I've had male colleagues I've become good friends with. I remember one male friend leaving the company and I messaged him to say I was heartbroken! Apparently his wife saw this but didn't mind (we're all friends including her and my DH). I genuinely didn't mean anything romantic by it. We were just good mates who had a laugh all day long and work became incredibly dull when he left. I can imagine if he came back to the office I'd have said "You're not allowed to leave again".
I think they were mates with a hint of flirtation but nothing to end a marriage over.

So basically you are saying he had no concept of hurting you.

Does he have any concept of you hurtning him ?

Ie, could he visualise you hurting him with another man.

Or would he live in the present and forget very easily if you had behaved very badly with a male friend.

So in the last 2 days you've discovered your husband has a condition that only 3% of people suffer from and that explains why you're supposed to be ok with him having an emotional affair? Ok then.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Honestly, it just gets more and more ridiculous.

I don't know, he moves on very quickly when someone dies.