Page 7 | Emotional Affair fallout

Wavesofrage · 2024-01-28T10:57:45+00:00

Hi I have several things I need to work through but the most important for me right now is how to deal with the level of rage I am experiencing. We are 35 years married, were still very close but DH has managed to run a relationship for two years which progressed to an Emotional Affair. I called time early December, there was lots of denial but gradually over the following weeks I learnt about the level of intensity they shared. The extreme being after she left their shared work place in September 23 then decided to go back there were many excited texts. Her husband to be stopped speaking to her but mine was ringing and texting his support. They kept saying they missed each other and he said she wasn't allowed to leave him again. Meanwhile that morning I'd told him I was feeling rough and suspected COVID. Guess how many messages I got? She then got married in October and in November DH was one of the first to find out she is pregnant. He acknowledges the above took place and now feels ashamed but says at the time he felt he was supporting a friend. Please can someone explain this level of disconnect? And the level of my anger is visceral. One part of the day we are talking things through and rebuilding. Another I'm wailing and another I want to rip him to pieces. He has ruined everything. On top of which I now can't express my f outrage because I'm also struggling to support my DH before he throws himself in the river and after being gaslit for the last 12months. How long do the waves last? I feel I need to lock myself away to stop me hurting anyone. Even the dog is keeping his distance. It's horrible. Apologies if it is disjointed I'm all over the place at the moment.

Calliopespa · 02/02/2024 10:32

InShockHusbandLeaving · 02/02/2024 10:07

Erm, really? I’m still wondering how this “poor man” got to see a psychiatrist in the blink of an eye and be diagnosed on the spot. Maybe the NHS is better than any of us dreamed?

I wonder if there are any other health issues that allow one to have guilt free emotional (or physical?) affairs that one’s partner will forgive on the spot? Asking for a friend 😉

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Well regardless, I still don’t think it gives him a free pass to behave any old how. Some people have ( apparently) over active sex drive snd they have to find a way to moderate it.

InShockHusbandLeaving · 02/02/2024 10:37

Calliopespa · 02/02/2024 10:32

Well regardless, I still don’t think it gives him a free pass to behave any old how. Some people have ( apparently) over active sex drive snd they have to find a way to moderate it.

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I think you and I are living on different planets 😂 I must remember that disorder next time I fancy taking a lover. Naturally, I’ve just diagnosed myself with it because it sounds a lot of fun 🤩

Crikeyalmighty · 02/02/2024 10:45

I can't help but wonder if the OPs DH came up with the aphantasia- seems like he is well enough to knuckle down to some mental issues research and perfectly able to project into the future that the chances are he is curtains unless he has a very good reason for all of this- as I said earlier it sounds to me like a heavily co dependent friendship - not necessarily an affair as such but enough piss poor boundaries that the OP felt totally sidelined and having been there it is really not a nice feeling- regardless of whether a relationship has sexual component or not and especially when it involves lying and hiding stuff - if you decide to stay OP that's fine- you really don't have to justify it- I stayed , but don't let him pull the wool over your eyes eh or blind you with mumbo jumbo - he's simply had shitty boundaries and been caught out

Crikeyalmighty · 02/02/2024 10:48

@InShockHusbandLeaving more amazing that someone would fall for this mumbo jumbo. If my H had pulled that one his bags would have been packed within the hour.

Calliopespa · 02/02/2024 10:50

Crikeyalmighty · 02/02/2024 10:45

I can't help but wonder if the OPs DH came up with the aphantasia- seems like he is well enough to knuckle down to some mental issues research and perfectly able to project into the future that the chances are he is curtains unless he has a very good reason for all of this- as I said earlier it sounds to me like a heavily co dependent friendship - not necessarily an affair as such but enough piss poor boundaries that the OP felt totally sidelined and having been there it is really not a nice feeling- regardless of whether a relationship has sexual component or not and especially when it involves lying and hiding stuff - if you decide to stay OP that's fine- you really don't have to justify it- I stayed , but don't let him pull the wool over your eyes eh or blind you with mumbo jumbo - he's simply had shitty boundaries and been caught out

Completely agree. I’m not going to comment on the validity of the diagnosis as I’m not qualified to, but it definitely struck me as me he has researched himself. But even though I’ve been trying my best to see where that leaves him, and to understand how it might challenge him in this context, I still can’t get past the, as you put it, “ piss poor boundaries.”

Calliopespa · 02/02/2024 10:53

InShockHusbandLeaving · 02/02/2024 10:37

I think you and I are living on different planets 😂 I must remember that disorder next time I fancy taking a lover. Naturally, I’ve just diagnosed myself with it because it sounds a lot of fun 🤩

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Well I suspect in most cases one person’s “ heightened sex drive” is another person’s lack of all restraint of respect for barriers.

Original poster

Wavesofrage · 02/02/2024 10:53

Reflags42 · 01/02/2024 21:35

I understand op that right now you're feeling a lot of sympathy for him, and in a lot of respects it's good that he's been able to learn this about himself and understand that it's maybe been a contributing factor to what's happened. But, I'd just urge you to tread cautiously. Aphantasia alone doesn't make someone unfaithful or deceitful to their spouse. This might be a contributing factor in his decision making, but the final decision to stop investing in your relationship and invest in her was his decision that he choose to make and its now his responsibility to take accountability (not make excuses but full and proper accountability) for his poor decisions aphantasia aside and to work hard to recommit to you and help reassure you that he is fully recommitted.

When someone is working out the reasons why they've screwed up their marriage, it's often hard to stomach, affects their mental health and is a difficult pill to swallow all round because it means looking at the ugly side to yourself that noone wants to look at. It's your dhs job to work his way through that with professional support, it's not fair for him to lean heavily on you at this moment as you need to be able to recover from the hurt and betrayal you've felt. Naturally you love and care for him and are highly empathetic for what he's now experiencing but it's not for you to fix this for him or help him through it. This is still his mess and his responsibility to take the necessary actions to clean it up. You deserve that from him. I found it very hard standing by and watching dh go into a very low spiral of shame and self hated after his EA, it was hard for him to recognise that he was depressed and had been for some time which was a contributing factor. But it was not my job to go in and rescue him out of that. He needed to feel the consequences to his actions and op, if you go in and make this too easy for him you're essentially rug sweeping and my worry would be that you'll fall into old patterns where you make yourself responsible for his behaviour while he absolves himself of his responsibility by making the aphantasia the reason this happened which is an excuse unfortunately. So by all means have empathy, but make sure he's still doing the work and don't be tempted to make this a free pass because you're recognising that he's in a hard spot mentally. He needs to go for counselling to manage the worries and feelings he's having properly so they don't impact on you. That's owning your shit and he needs to learn that that is an essential part of a healthy relationship. I think other posters are just worried because God knows I know how it feels to want a reason why, and to want there to be a good excuse why. But the sad reality is that there just isn't... but working through that is essential to moving forwards fully and properly. Look after yourself op.

I agree, I've told him he's not absolved Aphantasia does not explain the deceit but I think I will have to park it for now as we are rifling our memories for other bits to unravel how he works.
Apparently it overlaps with Asperger's so that may be relevant.

DH can recall memories but not in picture form and there is no emotion attached to them after a few days. It's like a list of words associated with the memory not a full on experience like most of us would have.

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Quirkyme · 02/02/2024 10:55

"Unravel how he works".

Jesus Christ, you are deluded.

I can see why he's decided to conjure this up because you are more than deluded.

Calliopespa · 02/02/2024 10:56

Quirkyme · 02/02/2024 10:55

"Unravel how he works".

Jesus Christ, you are deluded.

I can see why he's decided to conjure this up because you are more than deluded.

I think that’s unfair.

Some people do “ work” quite differently. But OP they still have to have respect for boundaries and other peoples needs. Just don’t lose sight of that as you work through things with him.

Kwam31 · 02/02/2024 11:01

In a 30 year marriage at no point has there been concerns regards OPs DH and this possible disorder? How handy it's came to light now, OP is really desperate to hang on to this man, it's quite sad and pathetic that she's went from the level of anger and hurt to accepting this.

Original poster

Wavesofrage · 02/02/2024 11:10

Remotel · 01/02/2024 21:44

I wish you and your family the best. All I would say is to be careful. It seems as though this doesn't badly impact every part of his life?

He’s been able to plan enough to fulfill daily functions, sort out housing, have a successful career. He was emotional enough to choose to date you, have an emotional connection with you and get married, have children and so on.

He seems capable of now having an emotional, regular, connection with another woman, planning to meet her and think about how he enjoys her company. And as always, this issue has arisen with an attractive, 30 years younger woman, not a burly colleague named Dave.

I’m not trying to sound unkind at all, but would gently say that your description of aphantasia and how it’s impacted your DH sounds like a story he’s telling you and you are now telling yourself to avoid the hurt, root cause and consequences of what he’s been doing. It seems like there’s a large amount of imagination involved here. That’s not to say that what’s happened is irredeemable, but I’m not sure that using this reason entirely will be the way through.

Thank you. Thinking back there were times I would try to get him to plan ahead, short, medium, long term plan and really couldn't I think in the end I've always just got on with it on my own, mortgages, bills, moving house etc.

The colour story is me trying to understand how he works and I would have still kicked off if Dave was trying to replace me 😁

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InShockHusbandLeaving · 02/02/2024 11:14

Calliopespa · 02/02/2024 10:53

Well I suspect in most cases one person’s “ heightened sex drive” is another person’s lack of all restraint of respect for barriers.

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Agreed!

Hesanuttercunt · 02/02/2024 11:16

Hi OP, I'm so sorry to hear this has happened to you, I was in a similar position almost exactly a year ago. We haven't been together as long as you have but it was such a betrayal as I was trying to grieve the loss of a parent at the time. I was so so angry, tbh I still am but I'm not at the shouting stage anymore.

We are still together, we both had separate counseling although I still don't feel I ever got a good answer for why he did it. The relationship has totally changed, on the surface we are still muddling along, there is affection and days out etc. However I have no 'future plans' anymore, all my expectations of growing old together have completely gone, because I expect him to do it again and he won't be staying when he does. We are in child rearing phase, and I don't know what will happen after that.

You are allowed to be angry for as long as you need, and you absolutely are not to be managing his feelings, he needs to get a councilor and sort that out himself. Threats of suicide are incredibly manipulative.

Original poster

Wavesofrage · 02/02/2024 11:19

SkySecret · 01/02/2024 22:59

But if he genuinely doesn’t understand actions and consequences, lives in the moment, lacks empathy, no view of the future or past etc…. then how has it only just become relevant? He’d have been doing things like this, probably full on affairs, regularly over 35 years as he wouldn’t have a conscience there saying “no”. Doesn’t make a lot of sense…

He can't visualise outcomes. His memory recall is not pictures with emotion attached. I guess he operates like a robot for every day life. I agree Aphantasia doesn't explain everything. It explains his living in the present maybe the impulsiveness.

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Analysisandparalysis · 02/02/2024 11:21

OP, it’s like you’re his mother, therapist and problem solver all in one.

It sounds more like he’s a man who has spent most of your relationship having female ‘friends’ and every so often he has one where it crosses the line (E.g. cheating on some level) and now all the excuses are being wheeled out and you’re lapping it up and fully getting into your therapist role.

It’s bonkers!

Hesanuttercunt · 02/02/2024 11:26

Wavesofrage · 02/02/2024 11:19

He can't visualise outcomes. His memory recall is not pictures with emotion attached. I guess he operates like a robot for every day life. I agree Aphantasia doesn't explain everything. It explains his living in the present maybe the impulsiveness.

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Ah no OP, your worth more than this, my partner could have blamed it on his ADHD but had the sense not to. He's hoping you feel sorry for him but he's basically saying he will do what he wants because he has a condition and your not allowed to be angry.

SkySecret · 02/02/2024 11:29

Wavesofrage · 02/02/2024 11:19

He can't visualise outcomes. His memory recall is not pictures with emotion attached. I guess he operates like a robot for every day life. I agree Aphantasia doesn't explain everything. It explains his living in the present maybe the impulsiveness.

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That wasn’t the point I was making. He may indeed have aphantasia, but it doesn’t explain why it’s taken him 35 years to have an emotional affair if he can’t visualise consequences. If that were true he’d have been doing it every time he wanted to, or shoplifting, or other things that other people don’t do due to consequences.

He chose to have this “friendship”, and he’s using it as an excuse. It’s entirely your choice to forgive him or not, but please don’t fall for yet more of his lies. Choose to forgive because you want to, not because you’re being sucked in.

Original poster

Wavesofrage · 02/02/2024 11:31

Amandiland · 01/02/2024 23:06

My DH has severe ADHD including memory issues and life can be very disjointed with him. He would never use his ADHD as an excuse to hurt me. I would never accept that as a reason for betraying our marriage vows and neither would he. If he does something that upsets me he stops and that is the issue here. Your DH knew it hurt you and didn't stop. It is hard to comprehend that your DH was so distraught but then turns and says he doesn't have emotions as his excuse. He was invested in this other woman and missing her so much for months after she was gone. He can't claim he doesn't experience long-term emotions yet be emotionally invested months later. It doesn't add up as it can't be both.

Often people who do wrong will reach and search for a reason instead of just admitting they made a poor choice and didn't care what the consequences would be. Please don't let this be an excuse all for his behavior that has left you emotionally wounded. It is very easy to cling to something you don't understand that explains it all away rather than accept the pain and realization that they were just thoughtless and horrible to you because they made the choice to do so. You deserve more and are worth more than that.

DH is not using the Aphantasia as an excuse it's me trying to understand what is going on. He was sick with grief after going through the timelines and had to come home from work. At his back to work interview his manager was incredibly supportive and DH has decided himself he must cut all contact because he's afraid he will overstep a boundary. I really don't think he ever wants to be in this situation again he's almost as traumatised as myself only he can move on faster.

He lives in the present he can feel grief etc today but give it a couple of days and it will be over and the only recall will be in words with no emotion attached.

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Calliopespa · 02/02/2024 11:41

Wavesofrage · 02/02/2024 11:31

DH is not using the Aphantasia as an excuse it's me trying to understand what is going on. He was sick with grief after going through the timelines and had to come home from work. At his back to work interview his manager was incredibly supportive and DH has decided himself he must cut all contact because he's afraid he will overstep a boundary. I really don't think he ever wants to be in this situation again he's almost as traumatised as myself only he can move on faster.

He lives in the present he can feel grief etc today but give it a couple of days and it will be over and the only recall will be in words with no emotion attached.

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I’m sorry OP. It all sounds really difficult.

Original poster

Wavesofrage · 02/02/2024 11:41

Thewookiemustgo · 01/02/2024 23:43

Hope you’re ok OP. The main takeaway for you, this being the case, is how to move forward and how both of you navigate his friendships into the future. Some things are unacceptable regardless of someone’s condition, it is up to them to get help and educate themselves, so more specialist advice than you could ever get here on how to deal with this would be the most beneficial. He needs to learn how to recognise what you find hurtful and not acceptable and stick to those parameters. I wish you all the best for the future.

Thank you. Exactly this. If I had realised he would go this far I would have nipped it in the bud much earlier. I've never wanted to keep him on a short rein or check messages etc. but will have to work out new rules. I've already told him omitting is deceitful and I class it as lying.

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InShockHusbandLeaving · 02/02/2024 11:44

Wavesofrage · 02/02/2024 11:31

DH is not using the Aphantasia as an excuse it's me trying to understand what is going on. He was sick with grief after going through the timelines and had to come home from work. At his back to work interview his manager was incredibly supportive and DH has decided himself he must cut all contact because he's afraid he will overstep a boundary. I really don't think he ever wants to be in this situation again he's almost as traumatised as myself only he can move on faster.

He lives in the present he can feel grief etc today but give it a couple of days and it will be over and the only recall will be in words with no emotion attached.

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So, to clarify, he’s emotionless, plays the victim and, due to his newfound ‘disorder’, is liable to cheat at any moment because he can’t imagine your sad little face when you find out he’s done it again? He sounds a real 🍑

Original poster

Wavesofrage · 02/02/2024 11:47

Crikeyalmighty · 01/02/2024 23:57

@Wavesofrage I was in an unusual position I found out 10 years after it all happened - at the time I would like to have scratched his eyes out with a rusty nail- I was absolutely enraged - 7 years later we are still married- we get along well but I've NEver felt the same on a romantic level - he was devastated I found all the stuff he had written and recorded- and extremely upset that he had caused me such hurt- his only reasoning was that he didn't think he was thinking straight at the time, his mum was terminally ill and very unwell indeed and our business had issues- he said it was a pleasant fun distraction and the young woman had no idea just thought it was a close friendship where it was normal to text him 7 or 8 times a day ! I do think your H sounds like he has a bit of a personality disorder- I don't think it excuses his behaviour though and it sounds very much like a co dependency from 2 rather disfunctional adults - problem is OP , although there may well be reasons you may find like I did that you struggle to feel the same or trust 100%

Codependency me and DH?

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Original poster

Wavesofrage · 02/02/2024 11:50

InShockHusbandLeaving · 02/02/2024 11:44

So, to clarify, he’s emotionless, plays the victim and, due to his newfound ‘disorder’, is liable to cheat at any moment because he can’t imagine your sad little face when you find out he’s done it again? He sounds a real 🍑

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I would say less likely now he's experienced the fallout.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

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InShockHusbandLeaving · 02/02/2024 11:53

Wavesofrage · 02/02/2024 11:50

I would say less likely now he's experienced the fallout.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

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Thanks but I’m equally concerned that you’re not hurting at all 🤦🏻‍♀️ You’re being played for an utter fool and yet you are so desperate to deny reality that you’re falling for every one of his tricks. He’s not suicidal is he? He’s just pissed off that he got caught and seeking to make you feel bad about it because he’s got an instantly diagnosed “disorder” that, apparently, lets him off the hook.

Original poster

Wavesofrage · 02/02/2024 11:54

UtterlyButterly2048 · 01/02/2024 23:58

Kindly op, if he is unable to live beyond the present or unable to visualise consequences, why did he hide this from you? Unless I’m wrong, you had no idea of the level of communication that was going on? If he’d had no thought that it would hurt you, you’d have seen it, he wouldn’t have had any reason to hide it, because he couldn’t have thought there would be any consequences?

Agree. She was on my radar. I listen for the frequency they are mentioned. The tone. The context. Never had a problem before, this one stuck. And I ask myself why would a 30 year old woman text a 50+ bloke the day after her wedding while packing for her honeymoon?

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