Page 2 | Emotional Affair fallout

Wavesofrage · 2024-01-28T10:57:45+00:00

Hi I have several things I need to work through but the most important for me right now is how to deal with the level of rage I am experiencing. We are 35 years married, were still very close but DH has managed to run a relationship for two years which progressed to an Emotional Affair. I called time early December, there was lots of denial but gradually over the following weeks I learnt about the level of intensity they shared. The extreme being after she left their shared work place in September 23 then decided to go back there were many excited texts. Her husband to be stopped speaking to her but mine was ringing and texting his support. They kept saying they missed each other and he said she wasn't allowed to leave him again. Meanwhile that morning I'd told him I was feeling rough and suspected COVID. Guess how many messages I got? She then got married in October and in November DH was one of the first to find out she is pregnant. He acknowledges the above took place and now feels ashamed but says at the time he felt he was supporting a friend. Please can someone explain this level of disconnect? And the level of my anger is visceral. One part of the day we are talking things through and rebuilding. Another I'm wailing and another I want to rip him to pieces. He has ruined everything. On top of which I now can't express my f outrage because I'm also struggling to support my DH before he throws himself in the river and after being gaslit for the last 12months. How long do the waves last? I feel I need to lock myself away to stop me hurting anyone. Even the dog is keeping his distance. It's horrible. Apologies if it is disjointed I'm all over the place at the moment.

Original poster

Wavesofrage · 28/01/2024 14:37

adriftabroad · 28/01/2024 13:48

Exactly this.

In a very, very long marriage this is it?
It is bugger all IMO. Flirting. Stupid and degrading but, that is it.

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Commiserations to your partner 💐

OP posts:

Original poster

Wavesofrage · 28/01/2024 14:38

FairyMaclary · 28/01/2024 14:24

An emotional affair is still cheating and It usually take 2-5 years to recover. There’s no way to speed it up. Only you can decide if he and your marriage is worth it. Your reaction is completely normal.

However while he is saying he managed it ‘because he can compartmentalise’ he is unsafe as a partner. It is far more than this as to why he allowed himself to open his door to this woman. When he first overstepped the line he knew he was doing wrong. He isn’t taking responsibility for his choices. He had an EA because he wanted to. He cheated because he felt it was a good choice for him. He cheated because of what he gained in the moment.

He needs to figure out his whys. He will have poor personality traits that enabled him to do this: low self esteem, requiring ego kibbles (smoke up his arse), external validation, addiction issues, risk taking behaviours, people pleasing, inability to self soothe, instant gratification, poor coping mechanisms, poor communication skills, low integrity, dishonesty, ability to compartmentalise etc. Knight in shining armour complex (KISA). He needs to figure out his reasons and do the work. Unless he fixes the issues he will remain capable of cheating. Sadly the traits that allow someone to cheat are the traits that mean someone finds it very hard to do The Work involved in creating a new successful marriage. They want to minimise, omit the full truth, rug sweep and push you to get over it. They play the victim and blame the relationship (or you) for their crappy choices. They experience regret but not remorse.

Cheating is easy, it’s not because a person is sexy or desirable, anyone can cheat. Just download tinder or pop to a sex club. I choose to remain faithful. It’s a choice that I make. My vows mean something to me. I don’t cheat for me. My husband is really annoying at times, I don’t remain faithful for him. That would put him in control of my behaviour - which is daft. I could even twist that logic and say if he does A I am faithful but if he does C I flirt with my administrator or the man at the bar. So I am not faithful for him, I remain faithful for me. I want my word, my self respect and my integrity to mean something to ME. Because I matter to ME. What am I if my words are meaningless?

Try reading Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and how to help my spouse heal from affair. The website surviving infidelity will help too. EA is cheating and some women find this worse than a one off one night stand. I wish you well.

The book sounds ideal. Thank you Fairy.

OP posts:

adriftabroad · 28/01/2024 14:42

Wavesofrage · 28/01/2024 14:37

Commiserations to your partner 💐

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How rude.

Iamnotawinp · 28/01/2024 15:25

I think you need to sit quietly with your rage and work out the exact emotions you are feeling. Outrage, anger, betrayal, hurt, resentment?

Perhaps if you can put a name to them you can work out what to do.

It sounds to me as if you have let your Dh off very lightly. He has explained the why by just saying he can compartmentalise. Now he is feeling sad (throw himself in the river). You are still giving out to him, still putting his feelings first. No wonder your rage has nowhere to go.

I think if nothing else you should be allowed to rage at him (if not, then rage at something inanimate). It sounds like you are being too civilised, too polite with him.

I think saying you can compartmentalise is bollocks and doesn’t get him off Scot free. By saying this he is also saying his moral compass can change when he feels like it. Maybe you just need him to be more contrite and own up to his wrong.

Perhaps see a therapist or at least read anything you can find that you think will help. At the moment you owe him nothing, I think you can take a shot at being a screeching harridan if that’s what it takes to let the anger out.

harriethoyle · 28/01/2024 15:48

Wavesofrage · 28/01/2024 14:37

Commiserations to your partner 💐

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Gosh. How unnecessarily rude!

Wellcantthisyearjustfuckrightoff · 28/01/2024 16:04

@harriethoyle it was rude, I agree. But ops life has just been detonated, she’s flailing around to find someone to blame. Maybe cut her some slack?

harriethoyle · 28/01/2024 16:24

Hmmmm @Wellcantthisyearjustfuckrightoff I'm not sure attacking a stranger who simply holds a different opinion to her is the way forward 🤷🏻‍♀️

Wellcantthisyearjustfuckrightoff · 28/01/2024 16:32

@harriethoyle agree wholeheartedly. Not the right thing to do. But, when your entire world has been nuclear bombed from under you, you don’t really KNOW the right thing to do. It’s truly brutal, I’ve been there and I behaved in ways which I never even imagined I was capable of. It was…..eye opening for me. So I am sympathetic.

RandomForest · 28/01/2024 16:59

adriftabroad · 28/01/2024 14:42

How rude.

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Why are you offended ?

Op already told you she is angry, why minimise her pain, mock her reality, surely you could have envisaged her response. For you to act so offended by that comment, arn't you displaying the very emotions that you have accused op of having.

So in that vain, op's comment wasn't that bad, get over it.

Just like you told op to get over the betrayal of a 35 year union.

Tumbler2121 · 28/01/2024 17:05

I think your husband has been far more selfish all along, even when you thought you were happily married. he knew what he was doing from the first text.

I think your anger could be because you are looking at him with fresh eyes. He's treated you badly and it is still all about poor him. In particular, your worry that he may kill himself. Please put that concern out of your mind.

He's more likely to be hit by a bus than follow through with that "do as I want or else" threat. Ex H was distraught and suicidal, however .. still around.

adriftabroad · 28/01/2024 17:37

RandomForest · 28/01/2024 16:59

Why are you offended ?

Op already told you she is angry, why minimise her pain, mock her reality, surely you could have envisaged her response. For you to act so offended by that comment, arn't you displaying the very emotions that you have accused op of having.

So in that vain, op's comment wasn't that bad, get over it.

Just like you told op to get over the betrayal of a 35 year union.

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I mocked absolutely nobody.
I am not offended.
I simply agreed with another poster in order to give the Op another perspective, to get it into prespective.

The OP needs to look at herself a little more, is my now final opinion.
Get divorced after 35 years for the most silly indiscretion... not helpful advice in my view.

Snowdogsmitten · 28/01/2024 23:03

harriethoyle · 28/01/2024 15:48

Gosh. How unnecessarily rude!

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Funny though.

akire19 · 29/01/2024 01:32

i absolutely understand your rage I really do and am at a loss on how to contain mine I don’t want to hijack you page and when ready will post my story to get advice. Don’t put your energy into making a decisions at the moment as rage and anger is terrible for clouding things . This is my advise get some space go out for the day bring a pen and notebook with you and write down how you feel . Make a plan only you can decide what that looks like and this may change . I’m sorry that you are going through this . You may actually not be ready for counselling as this is all too raw. Rage coupled with shock can leave your reeling it’s like a ptsd on acid and the disbelief that this has come in your door like a bad smell . This is all about you now, how you feel, you are the priority, you are important .

Aquamarine1029 · 29/01/2024 01:46

On top of which I now can't express my f outrage because I'm also struggling to support my DH before he throws himself in the river

Are you saying he's threatening to commit suicide if you leave him? If that's true, that alone is enough to end your marriage. He is gaslighting and manipulating you again to keep his easy life. He's not devastated for betraying you, he's upset that he got caught and now has to face the consequences.

Oblomov23 · 29/01/2024 02:16

I'm really sorry op but I normally would jump immediately to the EA side, and his compartmentalising and gaslighting of suicide is do do convenient, so weak. And Fairy's post is spot on. But unusually, on this occasion I also agree partly with the 2 x pp's including QA who described it as a crush, questioning the categorising of it. Maybe you need to give us more details of how it developed over the 2 years, which bits hurt you the most?

a222 · 29/01/2024 02:46

Wellcantthisyearjustfuckrightoff · 28/01/2024 12:45

Men and their bloody egos 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
Unfortunately op, you won’t be able to sort this out “this week”. The visceral rage you feel is due to the massive betrayal and that kind of rage and hurt and pain does not dissipate over night, it’s takes years. And consistent action from him to show he is no longer such an idiot.
Anyhow, you asked how to deal with the rage. Go out in the car, singing whatever “fuck you” songs you can find, at the top of your voice
Dig the garden, literally attack it with a fork and spade.
Do a Boxercise workout (freely available on YouTube) and punch the shit out of it.
Walk the dog in a quiet place, at a fast stomp, muttering to yourself all the hurtful shit you want to say to him. Pile a load of pillows on your bed and attack them.
Physically releasing the rage you feel will stop you releasing it on him and help you to remain calm when he continues to say stupid shit (which he will)

why shouldn’t op just have a fuckin go at him though?

Blankspace4 · 29/01/2024 02:51

Apologies if I’ve missed this in the thread, but how are you 100% sure it was just an emotional affair? Why do you think nothing physical happened? Over 2 years, I’d be surprised if it hadn’t? And I hate to say it but just because she’s recently married - is there any chance the baby could be his? I’d be asking more questions at this stage and demanding complete honesty. Thoughts with you - what a crappy situation

Wellcantthisyearjustfuckrightoff · 29/01/2024 12:20

a222 · 29/01/2024 02:46

why shouldn’t op just have a fuckin go at him though?

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I am not saying she shouldn’t have a go at him. He needs to be told, loud and clear, exactly how badly he has fucked up. But, responses based on utter rage usually occur when a person is out of control and rarely elicit the desired response. Shrieking that he is a vile, lying pig, or a cheat and a thick useless bastard for example is not as powerful as being able to say calmly “you have hurt me more than anyone else in my life. I am devastated by the deceit and the lies. I do not know who you are anymore and I am no longer sure I wish to continue the relationship”.

Original poster

Wavesofrage · 29/01/2024 17:37

itsmyp4rty · 28/01/2024 12:24

If he compartmentalises people so easily then there's nothing to stop it happening again is there? You're out of sight so you're out of mind.

He needs to grow up, why is he acting like he's the victim here instead of supporting you? His behaviour is extraordinarily selfish (still). You don't have to support him but if he wants to move forward in any way then he needs to accept your anger as it is a result of his betrayal. He needs to allow you to express that so that you can work through it, his pathetic self pity is helping no one.

It might take years to really get over this OP, and things will never be the same. It tends to go one of two ways I think, either you spend a lot of your time obsessively wondering and worrying about what he's up to - or you stop caring.

I think it will be difficult to move forward at all though if he continues to act like a weak, pathetic coward who is only thinking of himself.

Sorry it took so long to reply.

Your post makes much more sense to me today than it did yesterday. The rage has shifted and revisiting the main events I can see he clearly chose his own happiness over mine.

I was relieved when I heard she was leaving the company and gutted when I found out she was to return. I vividly remember crying on the sofa with DD comforting me and DH stood tall and walked out of the room. We spoke about it today. I suggested basically he was choosing her over me (and I didn't know at that time he was still in contact with her) he said no he was choosing his own happiness over mine. I really don't know where to go with that.

OP posts:

FairyMaclary · 29/01/2024 17:45

Do you mean he said he was choosing his own happiness over yours last year or this week? When did that happen?

Original poster

Wavesofrage · 29/01/2024 17:46

Iamnotawinp · 28/01/2024 15:25

I think you need to sit quietly with your rage and work out the exact emotions you are feeling. Outrage, anger, betrayal, hurt, resentment?

Perhaps if you can put a name to them you can work out what to do.

It sounds to me as if you have let your Dh off very lightly. He has explained the why by just saying he can compartmentalise. Now he is feeling sad (throw himself in the river). You are still giving out to him, still putting his feelings first. No wonder your rage has nowhere to go.

I think if nothing else you should be allowed to rage at him (if not, then rage at something inanimate). It sounds like you are being too civilised, too polite with him.

I think saying you can compartmentalise is bollocks and doesn’t get him off Scot free. By saying this he is also saying his moral compass can change when he feels like it. Maybe you just need him to be more contrite and own up to his wrong.

Perhaps see a therapist or at least read anything you can find that you think will help. At the moment you owe him nothing, I think you can take a shot at being a screeching harridan if that’s what it takes to let the anger out.

Thank you for your reply. I've had six weeks of trying to extract information to then sit down and run through DHs WhatsApp timeline for her and myself so he could see the level and type of communication. He spotted a couple of extra incidences that I'd missed and saw how gross the comparison was then broke down. He's better today so now I can have some time to work through everything again and will eventually look for professional help.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wavesofrage · 29/01/2024 17:47

FairyMaclary · 29/01/2024 17:45

Do you mean he said he was choosing his own happiness over yours last year or this week? When did that happen?

On this one incident he said he was choosing his own happiness over mine. Not her over me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wavesofrage · 29/01/2024 17:50

Tumbler2121 · 28/01/2024 17:05

I think your husband has been far more selfish all along, even when you thought you were happily married. he knew what he was doing from the first text.

I think your anger could be because you are looking at him with fresh eyes. He's treated you badly and it is still all about poor him. In particular, your worry that he may kill himself. Please put that concern out of your mind.

He's more likely to be hit by a bus than follow through with that "do as I want or else" threat. Ex H was distraught and suicidal, however .. still around.

I'm beginning to think you are right, I think I have much more work to do. Thank you 💐

OP posts:

WavyLines11 · 29/01/2024 17:52

I vividly remember crying on the sofa with DD comforting me and DH stood tall and walked out of the room. We spoke about it today. I suggested basically he was choosing her over me (and I didn't know at that time he was still in contact with her) he said no he was choosing his own happiness over mine

That would be the end for me op

Original poster

Wavesofrage · 29/01/2024 18:01

Wellcantthisyearjustfuckrightoff · 28/01/2024 12:45

Men and their bloody egos 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
Unfortunately op, you won’t be able to sort this out “this week”. The visceral rage you feel is due to the massive betrayal and that kind of rage and hurt and pain does not dissipate over night, it’s takes years. And consistent action from him to show he is no longer such an idiot.
Anyhow, you asked how to deal with the rage. Go out in the car, singing whatever “fuck you” songs you can find, at the top of your voice
Dig the garden, literally attack it with a fork and spade.
Do a Boxercise workout (freely available on YouTube) and punch the shit out of it.
Walk the dog in a quiet place, at a fast stomp, muttering to yourself all the hurtful shit you want to say to him. Pile a load of pillows on your bed and attack them.
Physically releasing the rage you feel will stop you releasing it on him and help you to remain calm when he continues to say stupid shit (which he will)

Thank you. Sorry it took me so long to answer your post, I found a bedroom full of pillows works a treat. Particularly during a storm, think I'm done until the next one. 💐

OP posts: