Emotional Affair fallout

[Wavesofrage]

Hi

I have several things I need to work through but the most important for me right now is how to deal with the level of rage I am experiencing.
We are 35 years married, were still very close but DH has managed to run a relationship for two years which progressed to an Emotional Affair.

I called time early December, there was lots of denial but gradually over the following weeks I learnt about the level of intensity they shared. The extreme being after she left their shared work place in September 23 then decided to go back there were many excited texts. Her husband to be stopped speaking to her but mine was ringing and texting his support. They kept saying they missed each other and he said she wasn't allowed to leave him again. Meanwhile that morning I'd told him I was feeling rough and suspected COVID. Guess how many messages I got?

She then got married in October and in November DH was one of the first to find out she is pregnant.

He acknowledges the above took place and now feels ashamed but says at the time he felt he was supporting a friend. Please can someone explain this level of disconnect?

And the level of my anger is visceral. One part of the day we are talking things through and rebuilding. Another I'm wailing and another I want to rip him to pieces. He has ruined everything.

On top of which I now can't express my f outrage because I'm also struggling to support my DH before he throws himself in the river and after being gaslit for the last 12months.

How long do the waves last? I feel I need to lock myself away to stop me hurting anyone. Even the dog is keeping his distance. It's horrible.

Apologies if it is disjointed I'm all over the place at the moment.

Thank you.
But some posters don't even think it was an affair let alone a deep one. All I can say is the level of communication was detrimental to our marriage. It's stopped. There's been another unrecognised ongoing issue. We'll sort it.

You’re asking the wrong question..

Why would a 50+ year old man be texting a 30 year old newly wedded woman who was packing for her honeymoon..?

My first post was about how to deal with overwhelming rage. I'm still not done. It's because we were arguing so much about his logic, it didn't make sense.

I wish you lot were around when I started the thread and got called paranoid and it was nothing but a friendship.

I'm sorry op but you'll never be happy with him again. I was in your shoes once. I battled on for several years but always felt hurt and angry in his company. My pain only ended when he died xx

Well I suspect we all have an answer to that. What's my husband got that a newly married women is interested in?

Oh no. So sorry. I do think our story will have a similar outcome. I hope life is being good to you again.

I'm one of the happiest people I know. When I remained with him I felt pathetic, the kind of woman I would have thought desperate. Please put yourself and your dignity first xx

It sounds very much like you are blaming her and letting him off the hook. He's the one who made vows to you.

He could have stopped this at any time. You're determined to accept literally any other explanation than the most obvious one - he fancied her, he got too close and he would absolutely have embarked on a physical affair had he had the chance. You don't know for sure that they didn't, and you never will.

You're even willing to accept his self diagnosis of an incredibly rare condition, as if that means he no longer has any responsibility to anyone in his life. He's sick with grief and suicidal because his friend has cut contact? First up, if she's just a friend why is he SO upset? Secondly, If he's got aphantasia, why's he still bothered by the emotions from this woman cutting contact? He should have been over it in a couple of days.

It just isn't logical.

@Wavesofrage you have every right to be angry and seeing your pain and anger should help him realise the depth of the seriousness of what he did. Omitting deliberately IS lying. Presenting a fake reality knowing there is more, is lying.
Setting clear boundaries shouldn’t be too difficult for him to understand in circumstances like these. If he was aware enough of what he was doing to conceal his behaviour and lie about it, and then able to withhold and omit details and minimise what he did, then he knew it wouldn’t be acceptable to you. He therefore knew there would be negative consequences, or else he would have had no motivation to lie and conceal.
Infidelity for a heterosexual couple is anything he does involving other women which he has to hide from you or lie about. If he can’t tell you about it he shouldn’t be doing it. That’s just my definition of course, you need to discuss with him what you both think infidelity is so that you both understand what each other will tolerate.
There are no ‘degrees’ of infidelity, no ‘honour amongst thieves’. Betrayal is betrayal. The usual excuses of “We only texted/ kissed/ never had sex though” doesn’t make it feel any less painful to the betrayed. You can’t be a bit faithful, a bit pregnant or a bit dead. You either are or you aren’t.
Have a talk about your definitions and let them set your boundaries. He needs to be able to recognise his red flags in his own behaviour and conscience which tell him he’s stepped over the line.
Please remember though, that even though you’ve accepted his issues, if he can’t or won’t deal with them and wants to keep them in the excuses bank, he’s not a safe partner for you at all.
You sound like a very understanding person and deserve peace of mind and understanding and empathy in return. He has issues but he’s no victim, he knew what he was doing and knew enough about its impact on you to lie about it. Big changes needed here. I hope he appreciates you.

@Wavesofrage no-

I meant co dependency with him and this woman- as I said , he basically sidelined you and your importance to him - and put this woman as his first 'port of call' for news, good things, bad things, gossip etc -

Thinking back there were times I would try to get him to plan ahead, short, medium, long term plan and really couldn't I think in the end I've always just got on with it on my own, mortgages, bills, moving house etc.

He has managed to manipulate the OP into doing literally everything by ‘not being able to plan’. He’s then got in way too deep with a woman from work, didn’t stop despite the devastated wife at home, and has now manipulated her with some total bullshit about some completely irrelevant psychological trait.

It’s like watching a slo-mo car crash.

I didn't necessarily agree that it sounded like an emotional affair, but the turn around here is astonishing. He's got you from raging to explaining everything away due to some fairly well-timed self diagnosis. Suddenly, it's all her fault.

Thank you for this it is exactly what I need to hear and hold on to.
It is something I never thought needed to be discussed but we should so we can set very clear boundaries.
Thank you again.

I'm going to duck out of the thread now, I need to start getting my life back together. I've emailed Exeter, we have counselling next week and another medical appt the following week. Thank you to all of you who have helped guide me through and offered me advice with kindness. I'm sorry I don't know how much time I will have to answer posts in future.

Thank you💐

Many reasons unfortunately. The thrill, the attention, the validation, distraction from life, might genuinely find him attractive… all the usual mundane reasons for an emotional or common or garden affair. Tale as old as time 😊

All the validating attention he’s been paying her.

Best of luck, OP

Got it. He calmed her down. A lot of the texts were asking if she was ok now, not to let it get to her etc. Oh! Also mentioned about nervous for wedding. Thank you Crikey that makes sense now.

As I'm here.
The professor who named Aphantasia works at the Uni.
Money.
Previously booked appt.

I wish you all the best.
Take care.

Oh sorry, you were lying. You hadn’t really left. I’m glad you’re so wealthy and have such useful connections. That’s sadly not the reality for us ordinary Joes.

I’m also glad you had the foresight to book an appointment prior to discovering your husband’s medical condition. That’s commendable, truly.

Likewise, I wish you all the best and would urge you to take care since I don’t envisage your DH taking care of you now he’s got his diagnosis and, presumably, can’t imagine what effect his White Knighting (I’m trying to be generous to the poor man) will have on you next time he does it, either with this same woman or one of the others on whom you have your beady eye.

"Got it. He calmed her down. A lot of the texts were asking if she was ok now, not to let it get to her etc. Oh! Also mentioned about nervous for wedding. Thank you Crikey that makes sense now."

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Oh for crying out loud: leave her alone! Would it even really matter if she were making it up? I mean it would be weird … but don’t let it get to you so much.

I'm sorry but I don't buy the issue that he is incapable of seeing long term consequences. I think he is trying too use his mental health problems to justify what he did.
Surely if that was the case then he'd do that in other aspects of his life?

The crux of it is is that he hid something from you purposely. And now won't take responsibility for it.
The question is can you trust him again? I'm not sure I could

Why would he do this to you, then excuse his behaviour away because he can "compartmentalise", (how convenient for him!) But fail to be able to weigh up consequences to his actions like he is some kind of naive child.

Then threaten to bump himself off because YOU'RE angry and feeling betrayed!

Oh he sounds like a proper catch!

He's shown you who he is now, hasn't he?

Ball's in your court. But for God's sake, don't be a doormat.