Emotional Affair fallout

[Wavesofrage]

Hi

I have several things I need to work through but the most important for me right now is how to deal with the level of rage I am experiencing.
We are 35 years married, were still very close but DH has managed to run a relationship for two years which progressed to an Emotional Affair.

I called time early December, there was lots of denial but gradually over the following weeks I learnt about the level of intensity they shared. The extreme being after she left their shared work place in September 23 then decided to go back there were many excited texts. Her husband to be stopped speaking to her but mine was ringing and texting his support. They kept saying they missed each other and he said she wasn't allowed to leave him again. Meanwhile that morning I'd told him I was feeling rough and suspected COVID. Guess how many messages I got?

She then got married in October and in November DH was one of the first to find out she is pregnant.

He acknowledges the above took place and now feels ashamed but says at the time he felt he was supporting a friend. Please can someone explain this level of disconnect?

And the level of my anger is visceral. One part of the day we are talking things through and rebuilding. Another I'm wailing and another I want to rip him to pieces. He has ruined everything.

On top of which I now can't express my f outrage because I'm also struggling to support my DH before he throws himself in the river and after being gaslit for the last 12months.

How long do the waves last? I feel I need to lock myself away to stop me hurting anyone. Even the dog is keeping his distance. It's horrible.

Apologies if it is disjointed I'm all over the place at the moment.

Hang on, your post doesn't really give anything away. What has he actually done that constitutes and "emotional affair"? I have a male colleague who I talk to outside of work, if I or he left and then came back we would probably be equally as excited about it, but I can assure you we are just friends!

This is what I thought! There has to be more to this surely. As this info alone does not suggest an emotional affair at all

Do you think that he would have left you and moved in with her if she’d asked?

I don’t know what to make of this tbh. I don’t suppose you’re overreacting yet on the other hand they seem like laddish work pals. Not sure why his employer and his mum are involved.

Eventually yes.

Do you only text and call when your partner is not around?

Would you let the contact get to a level you found your own family tiresome?

He knew I was relieved when she left and continued contact is that ok?

For those of you who think this is borderline I assure you it was at a level it was destroying our marriage. He was spending time and effort supporting her personal life and had no time for us. She was an addiction he wouldn't give up.

People can be unfaithful and disloyal in many ways.

He sounds deeply ungrateful, giving his excess time and energy to this woman whilst you continue with the grunt work of the marriage.
I would suggest stopping all support given to him, let her do it, she can cook the meals, wash his pants do the life admin, service his needs.

If he is so stupid to not recognise all you have done for him he needs to be reminded of where his loyalties should lie.

She's a user wrapped up in a 'great gets on with the boys' type lass and he's a fool lapping up her youth.

But there's no fool like an old fool and it looks like your patience has run out, 35 years is a long time to be married and I believe you when you say his actions have been hurtful, negligent and disrespectful.

An emotional connection outside of a long relationship is extremely painful and it seems you have given him ample chances to put you first, I've got a feeling he's going to regret being so selfish.

That’s showing your colours.

No, i often message him when my partner is here, he has been to our house several times when my OH is here, plus we have been on days out just the 2 of us.

The thing is, you don't say much about what he has actually done. So it sounds to me like she's more of a close friendship than an "emotional affair".

You must be really hurt right now. Take as much time as you need. It's good nothing physical happened. Can you get some time away from him? That might help you to process it all.

Can you afford to take a week off and take yourself on holiday? Either winter sunshine or a city break in the UK? Do something away from him to give you time to gather your thoughts and get some distance.

What you describe is fine. I've been fine with female friends forever. He's a great guy that (particularly) women find easy to talk to.

We have I think made some small progress.
His truth is they were only friends. He did have boundaries.

Last night we spoke about the playground activity at work, he saw nothing wrong with what he was doing but when I asked him how he would feel if I was the one being prodded by men he really understood how I felt.

He started this job in 2020 after we had to fold the business and the previous 20 odd years he worked in some high risk industries. The culture in his current workplace is very different, it taps into his impulsivity. He acts like the majority, youngsters having a laugh, without thinking. He would never have behaved like this in any of his previous work, well since the late 90s.

There are other things which may be relevant so lots to explore but fingers crossed.

I've not lost sight of my truth.

To be honest I really want to do the basic stuff rather than distract us. He will think it's all behind us and I'll be like a dog with a bone 😬

But thank you I do deserve a break. 💐

Thank you, feeling a little bit more hopeful right now. It absolutely was the second best time to nip this in the bud. The best time would have been last year when I started getting antsy.

This might be a shock to you, but plenty of women cheat on many different levels too and lots do it because of their ‘bloody egos’.

Be angry at the activity, not the gender. This is not a male-only activity.

This was a lovely post. You understand what it means for me to support him in practical ways leaving him with more time and energy which he then chooses to invest in another relationship. Anyone arguing about the definition of EA and where we are on the scale need to comprehend the hours and hours they invest in each other to the detriment of their partner and family.

May work for some, but this stuff just kept my adrenaline high and anger at the ready

I get it OP as I'm currently going through similar with my husband. In our case it's an online 'friend', which in some ways is easier because they don't have actual contact. But harder in trying to understand why you would risk your 20+ year marriage and family over an emotional connection with a random internet person you've never even met.

My counsellor says what you're going through is grief. You're grieving the relationship you had that has now gone. She says it takes at least a year to work through grief. Your old relationship is dead, but you can build a new one if you both want it and are prepared to put the work in. But you can't do it by yourself.

In my case my husband totally accepted responsibility as soon as confronted. He knows he messed up and made the mess so the onus is on him to fix it.

As for the rage, my therapist suggests pushing a wall down. Which sounds nuts but does actually work. Basically put your hands on a wall, brace yourself, and then use every ounce of strength you have to push that wall over. You obviously won't be able to do it, but you will deploy the pent up energy trapped in all your muscles trying to do it.

So he hasn't actually had an emotional affair or a physical one if they were just friends and didn't say anything inappropriat? It sounds to me like this is your own insecurities at play here if I'm honest.

@HalloumiGeller
I agree, it seems like a friendship, would OP be dramatising it if it was a man she found these txts from?
She's got married, had a baby, hardly the actions of a woman crazy about OPs husband.
I also find it awful that his mother and workplace know about this supposed 'affair'. Maybe OP needs to actually tell us why it's an EA and not a friendship.

Hi op, I found similar on my dh phone just over Xmas. It was crushing. I kicked him out for a bit of space to process and then decided I was prepared to work at it with him but the key factors in that were that he seemed (and seems) to be genuinely remorseful and had taken full accountability for his actions and taken some steps and come to me with further steps he/we could take to try to rebuild things.

He's currently in counselling to address why what happened, happened and I'm in counselling dealing with the fall out. When we finish individual counselling we'll be going for couples counselling.

I don't know if things will work out, and as you say part of me is scared to reinvest in this and then come to realise that it's wasted further years of my life, but equally I thought of it that if I do believe his remorse then I want to know we've done all we can to salvage things so I can eventually move on without regrets if that's the way the cards fall in the future. You need to decide what the right version of that is for you.

I have started journalling and trying to write down my negative feelings because I'm also up and down a lot. But counselling has helped me see that he's the one who's ultimately responsible for that and he needs to be the one to reassure and support me when I'm feeling low, sad or who needs to sit down and let me vent if I'm angry and tell me again that he's sorry and he's committed etc etc.

I think your husband needs to firstly get his own support for his mental health because you can't do that for him. Especially not right now. And he needs to accept that this is his mess to fix. He hasn't protected or invested in your relationship for quite some time and now he needs to step up and start doing what he should have been doing all along, plus extra to give you reassurance that he means it.

I've no idea where things will end up or how long the waves you mention will last I just wanted to let you know you're not alone op. It's really hard and you don't deserve to feel the way you do. If you stay it should be on your own terms and it should be in response to his remorse and subsequent actions. He needs to dig deeper into his values, his self esteem, his relationship patterns etc etc to work out why he allowed her in instead of turning to you. You can't do that work for him. Do you have support networks you can lean on? I chose a few select friends to lean on who I knew wouldn't judge me for staying and who wouldn't gossip and that's been needed. I hope you have the same.

@Kwam31 because its coming at the direct detriment of his own marriage and family. Because its hurtful to his wife and because the amount of time and emotions invested in this woman are detracting from the time and emotions invested in his wife. Don't gaslight op.

My counsellor says what you're going through is grief. You're grieving the relationship you had that has now gone. She says it takes at least a year to work through grief. Your old relationship is dead, but you can build a new one if you both want it and are prepared to put the work in. But you can't do it by yourself.

In my case my husband totally accepted responsibility as soon as confronted. He knows he messed up and made the mess so the onus is on him to fix it.

As for the rage, my therapist suggests pushing a wall down. Which sounds nuts but does actually work. Basically put your hands on a wall, brace yourself, and then use every ounce of strength you have to push that wall over. You obviously won't be able to do it, but you will deploy the pent up energy trapped in all your muscles trying to do it.

@MrTiddlesTheCat

This is really good advice from Mr Tiddles The Cat, your husband though isn't accepting responsibility and it's not your call to make him feel better, it's his call. It sounds to me you want your marriage to continue and it's here I think I'd start to consider couples counselling, he may never take responsibility though but if you can work through it and gain trust back it's worth a try, but, it will never be the same unless he's 100% committed and even then, you've taken an emotional battering and you need to work on that and heal. I wish you well and hope everything works out for you as you want it to x

@Reflags42
No gaslighting, there's been nothing said that suggests an EA, all friendly msgs no suggestive/ sexual etc or not that OP has revealed.
Again, if it was another man he had a close friendship with would it be an affair?

What age is your DD?
What is your DHs and DD's relationship like?

Have you any other DDs?

It must be peculiar for her to discover that Dad has another 'daughter' in his life.

Have you considered the impact on her (both of the relevation of her Dad's involvement with this other woman, and her experience of the impact on you, and her own feelings about it)?

DD might benefit from counselling herself.

If she cannot afford that herself then it's worth offering her that.