Why does there have to be a reason for low libido?

[milkonesugar35]

I have very low sex drive - always have done.

Whenever I mention it I'm quizzed with:
Are you on hormonal contraception?
Are you on medication?
Are you depressed?

The answers to all three is no. I just don't want or need frequent sex. It's as if it has to be justified!

Yes my husband would like more frequent sex but he's known me this way for 12 years.

Anyone else experienced this too? It's really annoying!!

You're right - the reality is that many women have low libido, especially past 40, and it tends to be pathologised as a problem that must have a solution. Probably for the same reason as so many things in medicine - the male experience has historically been taken as the default, and it's assumed that anything that deviates from that is an abnormality.

You are absolutely right.

Nothing wrong if this is just the way you body and mind work.

Also we are sold the idea that everyone should be and is having sex frequently from films, magazines, advertising and so on.

As the previous poster has said for some women it can be more complex than for men and things like hormones, pregnancy, young children and menopause means there might be periods when it is completely normal for interest in sex to go up and down.

And we are all individuals and what feels right for you and perfectly normal.

But as usual though men are used as the template for what is a 'normal' sex life...and it is still the good old expectation that women are here mainly to please men.

I was talking to a friend about this the other day. I'm in my 60s. No-one cares when I say I don't want to go out clubbing anymore, i have no desire to bungee jump off a bridge etc but if I dare to say i'm really not that bothered about sex anymore then apparently I have to 'speak to my GP' 🤣

But there will be a reason. That's the point. Be it age or hormones or whatever.

But if you're happy with having a low libido then it's not really anybody else's business.

Maybe just don't mention it? It's not something that comes up often in conversations with my friends and family but there are a lot of people who want to address low libido so if you're deciding to talk about it, expect people to ask questions or make suggestions.

@DocOck no there won't - we don't have to have sex. There's no should either. There absolutely does not have to be a reason.

What sort of reason? Some people just have lower sex drives. We can’t all have the same level.

Why do you keep mentioning it then? You know you'll get asked about it

@MadamVastra I don't chat about it regularly!! But on girls nights out for example if occasionally brought up there's always a reaction.

Totally agree.

Some people just aren’t interested in it. Doesn’t mean they’re dysfunctional.

I’m ashamed to say that my last relationship saw me go to two different gynaecologists to see ‘what was wrong’ - that’s how conditioned we are to believe that everyone should be interested in sex.

My bloods, physiology etc. were all fine. Turns out I’m just not that into it!

(The relationship broke down, however, because mismatched sex drives are notoriously difficult to overcome.)

But there will be a reason. That's the point. Be it age or hormones or whatever.

Why should there be a reason beyond 'some people have high sex drives, some people have low sex drives and most are in between'?

If you don't want to discuss it, don't mention it? 🤷🏻‍♀️

If my friend brought up having a low libido I'd assume it's because she wanted to chat about it?

Also, for many women love sex and really enjoy it - a good friend might be worried you're missing out on one of the best things in life (in their opinion).

@highlo

I’m not the op, but people do bring up sex quite a lot, so maybe op isin’t the one to bring it up.

And even so, there shouldn’t be stigma for having low libido or just not caring about sex.

And ’good friend’ (and people in general) should know that we’re all different.
Some don’t like or care about sex. And some find it one of the worst things in life.
So trying to pressure someone to have sex or say there’s something wrong with them, is just plain wrong.
And weird.

Yes there's this assumption that we're defective and need fixing. Madness.

So many men are so bad in bed it doesn't surprise me.

A good lover will increase most people's sex drive!

Different folks different strokes. If as you say your drive is consistent then fine but change can indicate an underlying dip in hormones etc.

It would worry me as I am the other side of the scales and it is a huge part of our relationship. And if I'm honest a huge part of my happiness. Each to their own.

No they wouldn’t. I lost all interest after the menopause. Could be hung like a donkey and I’d still not be interested.

My libido has dropped - age etc. DH asked if there was something I could take to get it back up. I said perhaps he could take something to reduce his instead. Ah, he said, and funnily enough, it's not been mentioned again.

Both me and DP have low sex drives and on the rare occasions we can be bothered it's very good. Most of the time though we'd still rather have a cup of tea than sex.

They probably arent bothered about trying to "fix" you. They might just assume that you might be bothered about it, being that its commonly thought of as being an intimate pleasureable thing, and since youre married, its hardly outrageous to think that it might become an issue if it isnt already - because it does usually go that way sadly.
People probably just are making conversation with you

I don’t think the lower sex drive partner understands what it feels like to be turned down frequently, it’s natural the partner with the higher sex drive will ask if there’s a reason as then there may be a solution.
The lower sex drive person has all the power in the relationship and is literally controlling the other partners happiness and overall well being.
They are often very surprised when the marriage breaks down as they don’t get how important sex is to others.

I hear you op. Some people like adventure sports, some people like marmite, some people like sex, it is really that simple.

To not be bothered about sex is perfectly normal, many people have sex to keep a happy relationship, that doesn't mean they want the sex necessarily. I think most people go through periods in life when they do want sex, as is nature's way of cementing new relationships and ensuring the population continues, but for many people that's just a small phase of their life and they aren't too bothered about it the rest of the time.

I don't drink alcohol, for no reason other than I don't enjoy being tipsy or hungover. People are always trying to "fix" me as well with suggestions of new drinks to try, hangover cures etc. Just fuck off, I don't want to!

It baffles me that some people are too dim to understand that people like different things.

How do you know they're turning it down? It's taboo on MN but I'm sure plenty of people have sex when they're not particularly in the mood, because it's important in a relationship.

it baffles me that some people are too dim to understand that people like different things

I don’t think people are too dim but a very low sex drive doesn’t just involve the person it’s their partner too. Someone deciding they don’t like meat or alcohol etc didn’t have the same knock on impact. The other person can fry themselves a steak.

How do you know they're turning it down? It's taboo on MN but I'm sure plenty of people have sex when they're not particularly in the mood, because it's important in a relationship.

From chatting to my middle aged friends.