Why does there have to be a reason for low libido?

[milkonesugar35]

I have very low sex drive - always have done.

Whenever I mention it I'm quizzed with:
Are you on hormonal contraception?
Are you on medication?
Are you depressed?

The answers to all three is no. I just don't want or need frequent sex. It's as if it has to be justified!

Yes my husband would like more frequent sex but he's known me this way for 12 years.

Anyone else experienced this too? It's really annoying!!

Saying Yes my husband would like more frequent sex is literally admitting he's not happy with the amount.

Who knows..maybe he is getting it elsewhere?

That doesn't meant he's okay with not having it at all @kkloo

I think you're mixing up 'not being that fussed on having sex but being prepared to get yourself in the mood because you know your OH will really appreciate it and you'll enjoy it when you do' and 'flat out not wanting it'.

OP I think what people struggle with is the idea that a man might stay in a relationship because there are more important things to him about it than frequent sex.

OP didn't say she's not having it at all.

OP I think what people struggle with is the idea that a man might stay in a relationship because there are more important things to him about it than frequent sex.

I think a lot of men stay in the relationship then and go elsewhere for sex.

sometimes its just not having the psychological desire for it so to speak

For me, my libido has been low for a while and it’s nothing to do with mental illness at all. I’m genuinely just exhausted because I work FT in a really full on job, I also have 5 DC to contend with, the admin they come with and a house to run so having sex with DH is absolute bottom priority.

It's not often I feel sorry for husbands on mn.

No it isn't admitting that at all.

People could like more of anything, but that doesn't mean that they're not happy.

This is just mental gymnastics. You can talk around it and analyse what each word means...but fact is dead bedroom massively increases the likelihood of an affair.

There's zero mental gymnastics going on with me.
I just said your statement was wrong, because it is.

People can want more of anything, but that doesn't mean that they're unhappy. That's a fact, not mental gymnastics.

A dead bedroom might increase the likelihood of an affair in some cases, but duty sex/maintenence sex/whatever you want to call it doesn't tend to satisfy the other person anyway. So she could go along with sex she doesn't want, it's not likely to be enjoyable, and if the dead bedroom is an issue for him it will still be an issue even if she had more sex. A huge amount of people in dead bedrooms end up saying that the duty sex is actually worse than no sex.

I am not sure OP even likes her husband very much, seeing as on a snogging thread she said they don't even "peck goodbye or goodnight". That's not even about sex, that's a general lack of intimacy.

Having a low libido is perfectly normal, saying you feel 'revolted' points to a different issue altogether.

Poor man.

Could be more of a sign of sexual aversion rather than not liking her husband very much.

Either way, it's not a low libido that's the issue.

Married people’s dating sites are full of men in the situation of OPs husband.

I’m with you OP.
However I feel like I should try and “fix” myself because of my DP’s somewhat higher sex drive
it’s difficult from a relationship pov, but I don’t think it automatically means something is “wrong”

I do think OPs tone is difficult. Though common from wives on here who don’t enjoy sex. They have absolutely no understanding of how sex could be important for their husbands ( or anyone), are actively scornful of anyone thinking sex is important, have no understanding of sex being more than a wank: no understanding of sex being more than a physical sensation. They have no idea of sex being more than mechanical and functional.

I would find this attitude a betrayal really, if I were OPs husband. If one spouse makes a sacrifice for another, especially a huge one like foregoing sex, you expect to receive love and appreciation for that sacrifice. Not only does OP seem unable to give this,,she seems to have no awareness that she even should.

Four of my six closest friends couldn't care less if they ever had sex again. I'm the same. All been like that from being mid-40's. All happy and perfectly normal.

@milkonesugar35 one question I would ask is do you check in regularly with your dh on his view of the situation.?

Of course there are men who weigh up the options and remain in a sexless relationship. However there are tons of 'unhappily" married in sexless relationships on dating apps only available at lunchtimes or random hours!

So I would ensure the lines of communication are open to protect your relationship.

But there’s a difference between disliking and not being interested.

l don’t actively dislike it, god knows I’ve done it enough, but I’m not interested anymore.

If you've always been that way, then you've probably never felt mind-blown by sex, because you've never been that turned on by it, or had the drive for it, therefore, you are not bothered, which is fine, youve just never seen its merits then inderstandably.
If you have a fantastic experience of anything - could be any thrill-seaking hobby like skiing or parachute jump, or even just a fab night out with mates, usually, given the opportunity to repeat the experience, you'd do it again.Thats how people who do like sex feel - and that's why people do worry and want to do something about it if they have lost their mojo, because the happy memories linger.
If your memories are meh! Because you've never had the mojo, we'll yes, no surprise you don't miss it.

But you're showing a complete lack of understanding of the other side.

The person does not want sex, what do you want them to do? Engage in self flagellation about it? Plenty of people do that and guess what, it doesn't make them horny. They often try to go through with sex they don't want, many end up with a sexual aversion. They often try to have duty sex and are then berated for not being into it and are told time and time again, it's not about the sex, I want you to sexually desire me...But they don't...so what are they supposed to do? Magic up some desire?

They have absolutely no understanding of how sex could be important for their husbands ( or anyone),
The other side often don't understand how sex can be traumatic for the other person.

are actively scornful of anyone thinking sex is important,
Can you think of any reason why that might be? They're often told they're the bad guy or doing something wrong or that there's something wrong with them, from that perspective people will eventually often get defensive.

have no understanding of sex being more than a wank:
But they can't offer the type of sex the other person wants, mutual wanted sex.

no understanding of sex being more than a physical sensation.
They have no idea of sex being more than mechanical and functional.

Because to them it often is a bad physical sensation and it IS mechanical and functional. The person on the other side often doesn't understand how unpleasant it can be.

I would find this attitude a betrayal really, if I were OPs husband. If one spouse makes a sacrifice for another, especially a huge one like foregoing sex, you expect to receive love and appreciation for that sacrifice

So he gets with a partner who always had a low libido and then she's supposed to be extremely grateful that he puts up with her and shower him with love and appreciation for being with her and sacrificing sex?

As a child-free woman the idea that some people genuinely think sex should only be for procreating gives me the shivers. Takes me right back to my hardcore religious upbringing and the shame associated with sex I got from it. The potential to procreate is certainly the worst aspect of sex for me!

Love it! - just love it!! Spot on!

My late OH had a degenerative neurological illness that made him sexually overstimulated - it drove me totally nuts! I felt as though I was under siege. If I could have found a way to damp him down I would have jumped at it!

Men who married low libido women and then think they're entitled to cheat on them?
They're no better than other cheaters then are they?

Also there's plenty who are in dead bedrooms of their own making too, pressuring postpartum women for sex for example when they've said they don't want it, there's a high chance their wives will never want them sexually again after that!