Why does there have to be a reason for low libido?

[milkonesugar35]

I have very low sex drive - always have done.

Whenever I mention it I'm quizzed with:
Are you on hormonal contraception?
Are you on medication?
Are you depressed?

The answers to all three is no. I just don't want or need frequent sex. It's as if it has to be justified!

Yes my husband would like more frequent sex but he's known me this way for 12 years.

Anyone else experienced this too? It's really annoying!!

You suggest he might have just given up.
Do you think that a person in his situation should keep trying to get their reluctant partner to have sex with them even though they were never sexual?
Do you think that that is ok or healthy to not 'give up'?

@milkonesugar35 I'm identical to you- I'm not touchy feely either. I became like this around 48- it was discussed and I did suggest separation if it was a huge issue- (it was for me- I really hate it- especially as my H really was only interested in giving oral - yep I know loads of women would like that) he didn't want to split- so here we are 14 years later.

@kkloo You suggest he might have just given up.
Do you think that a person in his situation should keep trying to get their reluctant partner to have sex with them even though they were never sexual?
Do you think that that is ok or healthy to not 'give up'?

Nothing healthy about having to just give up. Nothing healthy about not having one's needs fulfilled. Nothing healthy about having to have sex when one doesn't want to. This is the age old problem. Someone ends up having to accept a situation that can make them utterly miserable but they don't want to split up because of a thousand other reasons. That's the whole problem.

We live so much longer now that the problem has potentially become more prevalent. It's not a solution to just have sex if you hate it. It's also not a solution yo look ahead at decades of celibacy if that is not of your choosing.

But so often the one who wants no sex also wants to dictate that the other can't find sex elsewhere. They want to control themselves and the other person. Of course many forced celibate partners don't want to have sec elsewhere. It's not a trifling subject bits a real problem

The OP is asking why low libido seems to be pathologized.

The issue of sexual incompatibility in a marriage is another subject entirely.

The OP is asking why low libido seems to be pathologized.

There have been studies over the years to determine how much sex people have. There's a lot off socialisation involved in answering that - will I look like a nymphomaniac or frigid? What would my friends think, what do they do? What is normal? Would I want more if I weren't permanently knackered from work, kids, housework? Would I have less if my partner would be happy with it?

A therapist once asked me what my sex drive is like, how many times a week I'd usually want sex - I couldn't really answer, as I've never lived with a partner, so I've never been in a position where it's potentially available all the time. But the majority of people are in that situation, or have been at least some of the time, and that's what research looks at. This enables them to determine what's normal. Anyone significantly outside of that, and they will be assumed to have a high or low libido.

If it doesn't bother them, they aren't likely to be talking to anyone about it, so no one will know. You won't get hearing or high cholesterol levels fixed if you aren't aware of a problem, nor anything else. Sex drive is no different in that sense. If it is causing them or their relationship problems, then it's not unreasonable to check whether there are any health issues causing it before concluding, it's just the way you happen to be wired. But if it will get pathologized if a problem is perceived, and it is important to a lot of people.

If it's not a problem for someone, why would they talk about it? You just get on with everything else.

OP has made multiple threads where she pretty much did it herself. Most people who don't feel like having sex just don't have it - they don't spend time being angry at the fact that most people do like sex

OP on the other hand seems angry that some people do need sex to be happy - and seems to be annoyed that her husband may potentially be one of them, although she doesn't know because she never asked...so she asks strangers on the internet to agree with her that sex is pointless and nobody really likes it

But if someone is choosing to stay in a relationship in which they know that their partner does not want sex then the healthiest option IS to give up, it's not to keep trying to get them to have sex with them when they know they won't anyway.

The options are

1. Leave.
2. Stay and accept it
3. Stay and keep trying to get your partner to have sex even though they won't.

The people who keep trying to get reluctant partners to have sex with them tend to be the most miserable.

It is absolute madness to stay in a relationship where your partner doesn't want you sexually and has no interest in sex and try for years or decades to get them to have sex with you. This is the avenue that society needs to move away from because it leads to the most misery.

Some say they won't open the relationship yes, but the person can choose to leave, there's no forced celibacy, they can cheat if they want to, their partner can't actually stop them, so again there's no forced celibacy.

Also interestingly many people who are allowed to open their relationship find that it doesn't really help anyway, because it's actually their partner that they want to desire them.

@PaintedEgg yep this is where I differ as I don't post threads about it because I realise that many 'do' want sex and enjoy it - neither is in the wrong- although to be fair at 62 as I am it is often (but not always) less of an issue

She doesn't seem angry at all that other people like sex or need it to be happy.

She seems annoyed (like she said) that people with a low libido often feel like they need to justify it.

@kkloo except they dont need to, its one of those things that only is a problem if you make it one.

and in her previous thread she was pretty angry at people saying that having sex is their "need"

@PaintedEgg
I disagree. Opinions can bother people and then they might see that same opinion repeated again and again and it bothers them more. There was a thread the other day from a woman who was in an age gap relationship that started when she was in her early 20s and the 'stigma' bothered her even though as far as I recall no one had actually said anything to her about it.

Earlier in the thread you even said and if it is the second scenario then I can see the frustration as constantly hearing (or reading) that you are a selfish and unloving and your husband should leave you can be upsetting - even if the husband in question is fine and potentially no more passionate than OP herself

I didn't see her being angry, I saw others being angry at her though and many others who said he must be getting it elsewhere.

@kkloo the problem is when someone with a high libido is forced to just switch it off, it can switch off all affection. It's all linked. I can't just switch off a bit of my intimacy. It didn't work like that. I'd have to close my mind around the whole thing otherwise I would remain horny and frustrated.

But then the lo libido person complains that they don't feel loved as there is not much affection. It's like they expect it all to be their way. Emotions don't work like this.

Emotions don't work like that, neither does libido or sexual desire. It's not just something that someone 'switches off' and can 'switch on' just because their partner wants to.

And yes often in sexless relationships there will be no affection, either the one who doesn't want sex doesn't want to show affection or they do but stop because their partners thinks it might lead to sex, or as you said it can be the one who wants sex who stops showing affection.

And if in sexless relationship the person who doesn't want sex is expecting their partner to show them affection and complaining about it then they're fighting a losing battle, just like the higher libido persons who wants sex and is complaining about it is fighting a losing battle.

The issue is that those couples ignore the fact that they're fundamentally incompatible and can't get what they want within the relationship that they're in, but yet they stay together.

This isnt just no sex.

No intimacy.

No nakedness.

No cuddles.

Different bed routines.

What a miserable excuse for a marriage.

Because sex isn't a need. For anyone. Or I'd be long dead cos I haven't got any for 5 years lol. But unlike oxygen or food it isn't a need.

It might be something I want. But I'm not going to cark it for the lack of it, nor is anyone.

@porridgeisbae Because sex isn't a need. For anyone. Or I'd be long dead cos I haven't got any for 5 years lol. But unlike oxygen or food it isn't a need.

It is not a need like food and oxygen but it is a need like affection and kindness.

We are not organisms in a Petri dish. Humans require their emotional needs met to thrive.

Which is why if your needs are not met in a relationship and it's something that is seriously affecting you you should leave the relationship.

But when it comes to this issue the narrative is "well sex is a need, so keep trying to get your partner to have sex with you".

I need sex in a relationship and intimacy and affection and proper communication. That means to get my needs met I need to be in a relationship with someone who is capable of those things and wants those things too, and our dynamic has to be one where those things are sustained.

No point in me saying well my relationship needs are sex and communication and then getting in a relationship with an asexual who can't deal with conflict.

If you're in a relationship where your needs aren't being met that doesn't necessarily mean the other person is doing something wrong or is the bad guy, your needs are just incompatible in the first place.

^this

Do you hold hands when you're on a date or snuggle when you watch a film?

@porridgeisbae

Because sex isn't a need. For anyone. Or I'd be long dead cos I haven't got any for 5 years lol. But unlike oxygen or food it isn't a need.

I don't "need" friends, a job, a bed, shoes, any more than a couple of crusts of bread a day, cutlery, crockery, running water, tampons. I could "survive" without all these things, but it would be bloody miserable!

If you didn't have those things and you were miserable wouldn't you change your circumstances though?

@milkonesugar35

I'm intrigued as to how you managed to end up married with kids if you have always really disliked sex so much?

Unless you're lucky, most women normally have to have a fair amount of sex to get pregnant with multiple children!

Did you make sure you had sex enough in the early days to get your man, then let it fizzle out once he was committed? Or has he always been ok with very little sex (and you actively disliking it when you do it?)

@harerunner
If she's the same OP as the one on the previous thread then she said on that one that sex was always very infrequent and sparse right from the very start so she has always been that way.

And yet they have children?... despite having very little sex? For a young couple, a single act of sex has a 1 in 20 chance of pregnancy! 🤔