Why does there have to be a reason for low libido?

[milkonesugar35]

I have very low sex drive - always have done.

Whenever I mention it I'm quizzed with:
Are you on hormonal contraception?
Are you on medication?
Are you depressed?

The answers to all three is no. I just don't want or need frequent sex. It's as if it has to be justified!

Yes my husband would like more frequent sex but he's known me this way for 12 years.

Anyone else experienced this too? It's really annoying!!

No, it’s other people thinking there is something wrong with someone who doesn’t want sex. THAT is the point of the thread. NOT that OP is secretly lamenting her lack of sex drive.

This. If you're perfectly happy with it, then why are you arguing online and telling strangers that there's nothing wrong with you?

I am not suggesting there is by the way, but the fact is, most people who are perfectly content with something don't need to post about it or go on about it because they don't need validation and the opinions of others are irrelevant.

@99victoria I totally agree (I'm 62) I simply was no longer interested beyond around 49- and it's not related to my H - I wouldn't be interested if it was a 46 year old Brad Pitt - I've had a few health things, arthritis in my neck , had nasty neurological things after covid for a good while , and to be frank sex is the last thing on my mind- I did have a very honest chat about it- I would understand if my H wanted to separate (I'm not ok with open relationships) but he didn't-

I can't explain why I went off it- maybe hormonal, but I do know that once I went off it I actually found myself really tensing up and things like giving me oral sex suddenly really gave the creeps- (especially when I realised he was watching porn involving that 5 times a week on average) so it's not as easy as some people saying- just do it .

No it isn’t. I’ve got a low sex drive and then it went completely after menopause.

Its nothing to do with how good a man is, or how many orgasms you have. Absolutely nothing to do with that. And people who say that don’t understand that it IS possible to be totally disinterested.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow agree totally. Not bothered by it!! Nothing wrong with me just always been this way.

Do I?! How?! I'm totally happy thanks. I'll take an early night with a cuppa and a good sleep any day of the week over sex!

Even the prep work involved - legs shaved etc - effort!

I haven't shaved my legs at all - it's not a requirement for sex.

It makes perfect sense physiologically for - on average - women to have a lower sex drive than men - there's no biological imperative for women to shag all round them as there is for men. And after 45 or so there's no reason at all. Whereas men can potentially procreate for the rest of their lives, so of course there's a reason they tend to have higher drives for longer.

From an evolutionary perspective, sex in humans is there to maintain pair-bonded relationships, as much as procreate. Though clearly there is something to your point!

True, but I don't think nature really cares much once the parents have hit 50 and the children they presumably started having at 14 are safely reared

No procreation is the main reason. Pair bonding is the secondary reason. 2 parents are best, but one can do it alone.

Exactly.

My seeking medical help for my low drive (and discussing it with friends and on MN) wasn’t because I missed sex, it was because my relationship was falling apart.

When things did finally end, and the pressure of having to have sex to ‘keep the peace’ (a taboo on MN, but oh so common), a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and I feel so much calmer and happier.

Why are you getting to this level of conversation with people if you don’t like their answers?

l definitely have very high libido but l don’t discuss it with people unless l want to go to bed with then.

People tend to ask questions if their expectations do not match what they experience.

It is very likely you have asked questioned why people behaved or said things you did not expect.

I think the reason people are suggesting other reasons/maybe speak to the GP on here is that posters are coming on MN talking about it as a problem - one partner isn't interested and it's causing hurt/dissatisfaction with their partner.

I've got plenty of friends who've spoken about not being interested but it's not an issue for them, nobody in the conversation has suggested they see a doctor.

I never understand when people say this, or the other old cliche of preferring chocolate over sex. It's entirely possible to have a cuppa, a good sleep and sex. All in the same day, even. They;re not mutually exclusive.

Anyway no one has to have a reason for low OR high libido if you're answering to society or talking to your friends or even posting on MN, but within a relationship you certainly do need to be on the same page as your partner. You need to be able to talk about your libido, especially if you're the one moving the goalposts, and yes that may involve digging into your reasons or emotions around sex rather than just giving them the brush-off. That's just a question of respect for someone you presumably love. Sex may not be linked to love or intimacy or pleasure for you, but it IS for many other people, they're not perverts for feeling like that, and if you're in a relationship with one then you owe them honest communication.

It’s odd they say that if that’s always been the case for you.

I guess they think you’re missing out, is all. Also maybe if you had it more you’d want it more (that is often the case), which they might think is better for your marriage - a lack of sex doesn’t always bode well for the other person sticking around or it being a happy partnership if they do - sex being a form of communication.

Who are all these people you’re talking to about your libido anyway?!

It is procreation first of course, but in humans the pair bonding is very important.

Deadbeat dads are the norm in the animal world.

In humans the fact we’re sexually receptive almost all the time is thought to be part of the reason we pair bond. Sex is a lot about communication, plus there’s a hormone (can’t remember the name) that’s released after sex which helps the couple have warm feelings to each other for 48 hours or so. Thinking about it that might be where the idea that having sex 3 times a week is a good idea comes from..

Yes this bugs me too, there does not have to be anything wrong with you if your on the low side. Its just the way you are.

Surely, people had sex because it felt nice. Procreation was an essential by product.

This ^

I think it's totally fine to have a low libido and it sounds like your husband knew what he was getting into.

That said, wanting sex is probably more 'normal' biologically.

Speaking for myself, I would be devastated if either I or my partner lost our sex drives. It's something that has brought me great joy and a special closeness with my partner which we both would miss terribly if it disappeared.

I assure you that shaving your legs is unnecessary for good sex😅

I think that people forget that while yes, hormones drive our libido, there is a wide spectrum of what is normal. So while low (or high) libido is cause by hormones it does not mean there is something wrong and you need to seek out treatment. Some people have high sex drive, others have low and this is perfectly normal

But I agree with people who said that male perspective is what drivers the idea that women have to want to have loads of sex...just not too much or more than the male partner or it means there is something wrong with us

I have a higher sex drive than my DP. I'd like 3 x a week, he is happy with every 7/10 days. He is on meds for water retention and high blood pressure which doesn't help and works so hard. There is nothing wrong with him at all. I don't put pressure on him, or get my knickers in a twist. It worried me at first but actually I've realised it is no reflection on me or how attractive he finds me and if I feel the urge and he doesn't I just have a solo play!

Love is more than sex. I have a damn good man who could not be more considerate, kind and generous. He takes care of us so well and would do anything for me, and while I fancy the arse of him and the sex is incredibly good, our relationship is so much more.

A low libido seems fine to me - the multi-billion pound pornography industry has to shoulder much of the blame for pushing the idea that "everyone" wants sex all the time!
And the invention of the Viagra pill for male erectile problems has maybe ruined rather than mended many a relationship.