Why does there have to be a reason for low libido?

[milkonesugar35]

I have very low sex drive - always have done.

Whenever I mention it I'm quizzed with:
Are you on hormonal contraception?
Are you on medication?
Are you depressed?

The answers to all three is no. I just don't want or need frequent sex. It's as if it has to be justified!

Yes my husband would like more frequent sex but he's known me this way for 12 years.

Anyone else experienced this too? It's really annoying!!

I'd presume that because you bring it up, you yourself consider it to be an issue or a problem. I don't discuss my sex life with my friends unless there is a problem or issue.

''@cordeliachaseatemyhandbag

So many men are so bad in bed it doesn't surprise me. ''

Agree with this.

That was my experience when I tried online dating as a middle aged woman: lazy, selfish, entitled and emotionally immature men obsessed with porn. Hardly the stuff that makes a good lover.

No sex to me is preferable to bad sex so I am happy to be single...

If someone has a low sex drive and is clear about that from the start, thier partner has no right to then expect them to change. The husband should have married someone with a higher sex drive of it's a non negotiable for him. Why should OP change to suit someone else?
If she was a vegan and her husband married her then decided actually it was non negotiable that she had to enjoy steak restaurants with him that would be unreasonable, your analogy of him frying himself a steak is the same as telling him to go and have a wank, they don't share this particular interest, end of.

@Puddingpieplum oh, come on. Men don't marry someone with a low sex drive. They're far too selfish. Many women/men enjoy sex for the first few years of marriage.
I'm fortunate that dh and I have well matched libido. I'd really struggle to be rejected sexually.

@Jollyoldfruit I'm curious, why? Because you'd take it as a personal attack of his attraction (or lack of) towards you? Because you need it for a physical "release"? I ask because me not wanting sex isn't to do with how I feel for my husband and ultimately, anyone has a right hand.

I was like that until I met a man that was a brilliant lover.

There is always a reason imho

Why do you answer the question/get involved in the conversation? Are you being made to talk about your sex drive? Whose business is it?

No they’re really isn’t.

I really disagree. Sex is not essential.

Because usually when its brought up, people are unhappy about it hence the suggestions.

I don't think I've ever seen a post by someone saying "I only want and have sex three times a year and I'm really happy with that" - usually its people saying they've lost their libido and want it back as they miss the excitement of having sex.

If you're happy with it, then great. There is also the issue of mis matched sex drives which absolutely can cause issues between partners and can cause real problems.

I agree totally OP. A low sex drive doesn’t mean there is something wrong but those who enjoy a sex life and can’t imagine life without sex will always think there is. If you are not big into sex you are not into it. Doesn’t mean you are defective!

I would take repeated sexual rejection as a reason to divorce. I don't want a life without sexual pleasure.
My ex husband went off sex and it made me miserable. Wanking is not the same. It really isn't.
If two asexual people get together and are happy like that then that's fine, but drastically mismatched libidos is just a recipe for misery.
It may well be normal to have no sex drive for some people, but it's also completely normal to want to be able to have a sexual relationship with your life partner and not be rejected every time or made to feel like some sort of pervert about it.

I disagree. I think most people want it back because there has become a mismatch in the relationship which causes tension and upset and they feel responsible. I don't think they are that bothered about the excitement!

I don't think they are that bothered about the excitement!

Nah, if you used to really enjoy sex and then went on BCP and your libido disappeared it's natural to miss it. It happened to me- I missed the intimacy, the wanting it, the physicality of it etc. BCP had horrible side effects for me so glad I'm off it

Having sex is like having children. It is something that I guess is typically, biologically inate, but as a species, we have evolved beyond the necessity.

Of course, to proliferate the species, it IS a necessity (children... not sex anymore, as fertilisation can be done in vitro), but we have enough people now.

I have a normal sex drive, but a zero desire to have children, and I get the comparable questions. As with many human aspects, desire is a spectrum, and both ends of the scale should be treated equally.

I always had a low libido, but when it disappeared completely during menopause I was devastated. Fast forward testosterone and wow, I feel that I’d missed out for so many years.

My husband always had a higher drive than me, that’s totally changed. I never used to masturbate but find I really enjoy it and it’s a good stress reliever.

I’m not jollyoldfruit, but having a prolonged almost sexless period, it’s because to me good sex is one of life’s great pleasures, we only have one life and it made me very sad that it looked like my life was going to be one without such pleasure. Because sex is a fun, intimate activity that you do only with your partner and so can increase a loving bond. Because sexual frustration was leading me to develop inappropriate crushes and I was starting to feel despair that my choices were break up (with consequent impact on children and no guarantee of a better relationship obviously), cheat (break my moral code) or live a life of depressed sexual frustration. And yes, it’s also nice to feel your partner desires you. We did manage to kickstart our sex life again thank god!

Hmm, a woman's sex drive is affected by SO many things. It could be hormonal contraceptive, fatigue, depression or simply that you have only ever had shit, or at best mediocre sex, so therefore don't crave it!

Many women with low dex drives are undervalued by their partners and not made to feel sexy, oh and their partners are selfish in bed. Its hardly ever just because you have a low drive!

I have none of the things you've listed. There's nothing wrong with me. I don't need a justification, an explanation or a reason. I don't crave sex. Period.

I think it's quite natural to assume something might be 'wrong'. That's not to say you should feel wrong or that you should be under pressure to change. If you're happy and don't feel you're missing out, and it's not causing marital issues then that's great. But sexual drive is an innate and fundamental part of being a human/animal. It is literally the reason we are alive. So to be missing that completely is a bit like missing an appetite. Sure, you're not going to die from no sex, but if it was a widespread phenomenon then the human race would struggle to survive. It's not a natural variation that serves some sort of evolutionary purpose. So yes, there could very likely be a problem. It might be hormones, body image, sexual trauma, lack of trust within the relationship, crap lovers, exhaustion, a belief that sex is wrong or dirty, a lifetime of being used by others and being touched out, illness etc etc etc. All valid reasons, but reasons nonetheless.

This isn’t hard.

There’s nothing wrong with you.

There’s nothing wrong with people with a naturally higher libido, or in valuing the sexual part of a relationship.

The end.

I'd have thought people with low sex drives who are happy with it aren't often going to be starting threads about it, so often if there's a thread about, people are looking for some sort of solution. Same with starting conversations about it.

The solution wanted might be, "how do I stop my partner asking for sex?" rather than, "how do I increase my libido?" but it's still a problem, even if it's because of mismatched drives which have changed over the years. If someone and their partner are both happy with how things she, then everything is fine.

You don't have to go into detail if people ask, though. Just say you're happy as things are.

I don't understand why you're telling people about your sex drive if you're happy with it / don't want their opinion / aren't concerned there's an issue.

I have genuinely never been asked by a friend what my sex drive is like. And if I was asked, I'd not tell them if I didn't want to.

You might not have a libido OP, but you do seem pretty miserable about the whole thing.

Well, quite. A therapist once, and various dates, but they think they have a vested interest. (Often they don't...)