Husband has another child

[LAC247]

Hi All
I am in need of some advice my partner of 23 years has decided to go ahead and have a DNA test with a 32 Year Old without discussing it with his current family 2 DC and his mum decided to blurt it out on the phone, he wont show me the DNA test saying it is non of my business is that normal behavior.
Long Story short this person was conceived in a one off at a young age before our relationship started a few boys was a possible father but the mother decided to tell her child years later my oh was the dad, of which we decided as a couple it wouldn't go anywhere having 2 young children to bring up and with her being an adult nothing would be achieved and now years later its all been brought up again. Our children don't want any relationship so how to moved forward :(

Your husband’s behaviour is unacceptable- however I’m struggling to move past that it was an inconvenience to your family years ago so you decided not to deal with this woman then. That’s inexcusable

You cannot dictate what your husband does and would be very wrong to try to stop him from finding out if this is his daughter and if so, get in the way of them having some sort of relationship.

Why won't he show you the DNA test?

I remember a story on here or in a mag about a husband who had a "long long daughter" who the wife encouraged him to spend time with etc

Turns out she was the OW and they had both lied so they could legitimately spend time together.

It's not really up to you or anyone else if your DH decides to have a relationship with his other child.

I'm sorry that this ruins your little nuclear family set up but this is another human being we're talking about. She exists whether you like it or not. He's obviously missed out on her entire childhood so it's completely his choice and hers if he wants to have a relationship with her.

He maybe feels he doesn't want to involve you or the family in this since you have previously all stated that you don't want anything to do with her and you think it's best he doesn't either.

So you DH was told he was the father whilst you were together and you decided to do nothing about it?
You were happy for a child to be denied getting to know their father?
Awful behaviour from both you and your husband, it's a bit late for him to start stepping up to his responsibilities but at least it sounds like he is.
Why on earth do you children want no relationship with a sibling who was conceived before their parents got together?

When I think I’ve heard it all, and mumsnet educates me…. 😂

the correct response upon finding out he might have a child is to act. Why on earth would he ignore the issue the first time it was raised? Why would you want to be with a man who would ignore a potential child?

he should show you the results, but not showing you is probably answer enough. He knows how you are going to react and it doesn’t seem like it will be supportive. He may need time to process his own reaction first.

This young women has a right to know her family medical history and ideally she would get to know her half siblings. your children will probably not want t upset you but it's not uncommon for siblings to make contact after their parent dies.

Your husband may never have a close relationship with this woman but he is doing what is right by taking the test and letting her know the result.

OP you come across as a not very nice person. If this person is your husband’s biological child why would you deny her?

I’m not surprised he did a dna without discussing it with you. You’ve already made your mind up she isn’t part of your lives. Need to take a good hard look at yourselves.

It absolutely is your business and any husband of mine who refused to show me these test results or discuss dna testing with me prior to having it done, wouldn't be my husband for very long!

That said, it was terrible to not sort this years ago.

Sorry i haven't explained myself clearly my children was a very young age and i told my OH that i would support him and always be there for him but its not something i wanted to be part of, i was invested in a relationship that was based on lies the story was around way before i come on the scene nothing was done about it until years later and he was asked by me if it was the truth i rightly or wrongly have a chose if i want to invest a life without knowing all thew facts. The other person is also less than 10 years younger than myself and i knew it would cause trouble for my family unit hence he had a choice to make nobody stopped him. When his mum blurted it out on the phone it was a shock that he had not even told me anything about it, i since told him to go ahead with the relationship without me and my kids needing to be part of it if that's what they have chosen and maybe they have decided this because of the way its be told to them.
I have no idea other than there has not been a test done yet.

This. And maybe the OPs attitude back then is why the dh is reluctant to involve her now.

With kindness……

It's not up to you or anyone else to dictate if your DH has a paternity test / decides to have a relationship with his other child. It’s up to him. I applaud he’s at last doing the decent thing.

The child has every right to have a relationship with her father and it’s wrong of you to stop that. This is an innocent child we are talking about & a relationship which produced that child before you were together.

You might want to put yourself in the child’s position - what would you want to happen? How would you feel? This isn’t about you / ruining your little perfect family set up.

And as for ‘our children don't want any relationship’ that’s incredibly sad, and I hope they aren’t saying that to please you.

You are not exactly covering yourself in glory here if you feel your husband should ignore the possibility he might be someone's father. You don't have to be involved with the situation if you don't want to, and neither do you children, but you can't (reasonably) dictate what your husband should do here and I wonder whether his discomfort about involving you may have stemmed from fear of your reaction.

'This person'? Wow you sound unpleasant.

You both acted appallingly when you first knew that this woman was potentially your husbands daughter and the DNA test should have been done then.
She deserves to know her parentage and at 32 maybe she’s either got or is considering children of her own so knowing her own genetics has become very important to her.

This happened years before you met him - I really don’t get why you have colluded in denying her existence.

And your DC can make up their own minds. Personally I’d want to know if I had another sibling

So you basically told him back in the day it was you or this kids.

you have the right to say you won’t be involved now but you don’t get to include your children in that decision. They have a right to get to know their sibling and if I’m being honest I don’t know why you wouldn’t want to get to know them too. They aren’t to blame in this situation.

Sounds like you said he had a choice to make. You and his young dc or her. You are making yourself sound worse by the minute. And your posts are VERY hard to read. Please punctuate.

My Children have been sat down and told it wont upset me if they want to meet there sibling, i more confused is to why he didn't think to sit and discuss this with them when the test was done 8 weeks ago they are not babies anymore and can understand stuff like this.
When it all came out years ago he was told if he wanted to form a relationship then that was absolutely fine and i would always be there to support him as a friend and the mother to his other children. He made the discussion not to peruse it that was his decision to make.

@redheadsaregreat

Yeah I can't reply because I can't make heads or tails with what she's saying!

Your posts are really difficult to read.

Your husband has a potentially a child from prior to your relationship. This could happen anyone. I know of several cases where fathers weren't informed until much later in cases of ONS or where the relationship had ended. It shouldn't happen but it does.

It's not right that he didn't discuss with you but give your current and previous reactions, I'm not overly surprised. He probably wanted to find out for sure himself first.

So he's gone behind your back and done a dna test because years ago you basically said it was your relationship or his "child"?

I have no idea other than there has not been a test done yet.

the test was done 8 weeks ago

OP has a test been done or not, I am having trouble following you posts.

So you told him years ago that he needed to choose between you and his daughter. He chose you, but now you feel he's gone back on the agreement by having the test and wanting contact with her? Is that right?