Husband has another child

[LAC247]

Hi All
I am in need of some advice my partner of 23 years has decided to go ahead and have a DNA test with a 32 Year Old without discussing it with his current family 2 DC and his mum decided to blurt it out on the phone, he wont show me the DNA test saying it is non of my business is that normal behavior.
Long Story short this person was conceived in a one off at a young age before our relationship started a few boys was a possible father but the mother decided to tell her child years later my oh was the dad, of which we decided as a couple it wouldn't go anywhere having 2 young children to bring up and with her being an adult nothing would be achieved and now years later its all been brought up again. Our children don't want any relationship so how to moved forward :(

@EggyBreadBrekkie

I'm being judgmental? OK, fine that's your opinion.

I said pretty much that there are two sides to every story. In this case probably three; OP, her DH, and the child's mother. And that we don't know the actual facts or 'motives' for two of those three (OP's DH and the child's mother).

You have said regarding the mother:

"She isn't a reliable character and may have chosen to pin it on him for any number of reasons, one being which of the boys/men might be willing to support then child way back then’". I'd say that's pretty 'judgy'.

and now

"The mother is indeed the villain"

No, she isn't. As a PP said, this isn't a case of picking a 'villain'.

But whatever. I'm not going to derail OP's thread by getting into an argument with you. You have your opinion and I have mine.

Why would you, would you have wanted to?

As someone who had a DC when I was 16, also in a small town at a similar time everyone said that I was a slapper and slept with lots of lads.
No, I was a virgin when I slept with DC's DF and he was the only man I slept with until DC was 2 years old.

You calling ex GF's morality into question is not cool and it's not classy.
Given that you are accusing ex GF of immoral conduct, can you see your own hypocrisy here?

In the late '80s, early 90s, DNA tests were not as prevalent, or reliable as they are now.
They were also very expensive.

Your DH has lied to you. Why? I would guess because he knew you wouldn't marry him if he told you the truth.

My guess is that DH is the father and he knows it, otherwise why bother lying?

OP my best advice is that you LTB, he has lied to you for decades and continues to lie and evade.

Update
After asking numerous times to sit down and discuss which resulted in him leaving for good as he refused shame on him and ever since he has not seen the children we share and will not sit them down and explain anything to them they get the odd txt and call to see how they are. Glad I’ve found out now what sort of person he really is and won’t waste more years with him.
Thank you for all your comments and advice.

Let me get this right your ex had unprotected sex with another woman when they was young. There was a possibility that there were other boys who could have been the father of the child the woman gave birth to. Another man brought her up and then years later the mother told her daughter he's not the father your husband is.

You are now calling him a liar and he is apprehensive about the DNA test because of how you will feel so he decided not to tell you. He shouldn't hide it I agree. You have tried to sit with him down to talk about it and shame him you seem to like the word shame. Now he has walked away from his family because of the shame of a one night stand and no condoms was worn and he was potentially one of many fathers to the child.

If you don't want to be with him then you both need to coparent and not shame him over the past and learn to get along for the sake of your children. Your children are innocent they did not ask to be born into this chaos. The adults around them need to behave like parents.

A lot seems to go on in this small town.

Fucking hell, no wonder he didn't want to tell you.

The Jeremy Kyle show might be gone, but its fodder is still going strong.

Call the police. All the punctuation in the OP has been stolen

The thing is, he may or may not be the father. It's not unreasonable for OP to want proof to be obtained before her h starts acting as if he definitely is the dad. Refusing to provide this or even discuss it is childish and pathetic behaviour from a grown adult.

The OP was always very clear about her unwillingness to become involved if he had a child elsewhere. It's him who has lied and manipulated, to put her in a position she never agreed to be in.

As for not seeing his children with the OP because he's in a strop with her - says it all really. OP I think you are better off out of this relationship.

You have found out what sort of a person he is? Your own behaviour is disgraceful.

The child in question is no longer a child she is 32 years old with her own husband and children. What sort of relationship would she have with her half siblings or her children with the ops children who would be young uncles and aunts to ops children. I wouldn't throw away a 23 year relationship over a one night stand where potentially he could have been the father. The op loved him enough to have children with him and I doubt the 32 year old child will be a problem for op or her finances (Child maintenance).

@ Untilitisnt well what a delightful person you are.
@ Picklestop I made it very clear from day 1 I was not willing to enter a relationship with somebody who has children already how is that wrong on my part am I not allowed to make them choices I was 17 years old ? He is the one not being honest to his other children he won’t even sit them down and explain so yes shame on him.

Your children are young and his potential daughter is 32. He didn't lie because he didn't know the adult child's mother lied to her daughter about who her father is. He may not even be the father if she is capable of lying to her daughter and to your partner who knows who the daddy is. Have you watched paternity court on Prime the women on there who claim he is the daddy and then shock horror he isn't.

I do think you are being harsh to your husband he didn't know. This doesn't affect you or your children in any negative way. If anything they have gained nieces and nephews to play with if your happy for that to happen.

You knew he had relations with the woman when they were young. You also know he didn't wear protection and you obviously know how babies are made because you are a mother. Did it ever cross your mind that he could be the daddy rather than living some fantasy that there was no way he wasn't. What attracted you to him in the first place I wonder?

I don't think she's being harsh - where's his responsibility to actually establish paternity and then to share that information with his wife?
If he's refusing to talk to her about this, she owes him nothing.

The child is 32 she is an adult maybe she doesn't want to know have you ever thought about that. Being lied to all your life maybe she wants the quiet life with her husband and children away from the chaos.

@ LadyBird1973 thank you at least somebody understands what I’m trying to put across.
I made it clear I did not wish to have step children that was and is my choice to make.
The fact he still is not willing to speak about it to his other children is very childish and very odd for a grown man.

Guess what you're not a step mum you're a grandmother and your children are aunties and uncles. What are your next steps for a family reunion?

You can ignore all you want your children and the other family are related by blood. If you with hold contact then you are no better than him or the mother of the 32 year old child. I wish you luck and I hope you find forgiveness in your heart and don't hold back your children.

@ Carpediemmakeitcount you will find I am not a grandmother neither of my children have had children so that is impossible as it stands there is not proof to say he is the father as he refuses to show any proof nor discuss it.
My children have got there own minds I’ve told them both if they want a relationship with the woman then I will be there to support them as it stands they are not interested in time that hopefully will change for all the children involved can’t blame them when there dad can’t even be honest with them.

Forgiveness is overrated, accountability is underrated, especially where weak men are involved. Good luck @LAC247! I wish you every strength as you move forward in your new life.

@ goodgood thank you very much.

As you have said previously he told you that there was no way he was the daddy. He described her as the local bike to you. Your update does suggest to me he knew he was the father. You deserve better than him and so does your children. In regards to the other family wait for more news if you ever receive any about paternity. None of this is your fault and the children are completely innocent. He's left the situation as it is. I am glad you have reconsidered your children having a relationship in the future.

@ Carpediemmakeitcount I have no clue if he is or isn’t as he refuses to discuss it. My eldest child is an adult themselves so the choice remains with them as for the youngest they are very much confused, for the time being it’s best to let the situation calm down and when I feel the time is right I will discuss further it’s none of the children’s fault at all.

Does your oldest know the situation and if he does how does he feel?

Your small children are probably confused about daddies sudden disappearance. You'll probably get the truth from his mother if he is the father or not. You may have to consider using the mil for contact days for your ex. I hope your doing okay and keeping strong.

@ Carpediemmakeitcount yes my eldest knows the situation and he refuses to be any part of it all he said he isn’t interested hopefully in time he will change his mind but I won’t push him and the youngest doesn’t want to speak to her grandmother for how she broke the news she is a very upset at the moment time will heal things..