Husband has another child

[LAC247]

Hi All
I am in need of some advice my partner of 23 years has decided to go ahead and have a DNA test with a 32 Year Old without discussing it with his current family 2 DC and his mum decided to blurt it out on the phone, he wont show me the DNA test saying it is non of my business is that normal behavior.
Long Story short this person was conceived in a one off at a young age before our relationship started a few boys was a possible father but the mother decided to tell her child years later my oh was the dad, of which we decided as a couple it wouldn't go anywhere having 2 young children to bring up and with her being an adult nothing would be achieved and now years later its all been brought up again. Our children don't want any relationship so how to moved forward :(

Ok so when your DH was 16 he possibly fathered a child that he may or may not have known about.

9 years later when he’s 25 and you’re 16/17 you get together. You had heard rumours he might have a daughter which he denied.

Sometime later, you found out that there was a potential daughter but gave him a choice of choosing between you and her then buried it.

Now she’s an adult possibly with her own children, she wants to know who her father is and your husband might have taken a DNA test but won’t tell you.

Have I got that right?

I can't make head or tail of this situation but both of you are coming across as being deeply immature.

This sounds like a mess, and the person I feel the worst for is that woman.
I can't imagine how it must have felt growing up - not quite knowing who your father is, and/or thinking your likely father does not want to know her.

OP - it's fine being angry that this wasn't sorted at the time when you met. But - having potentially fathered this child at 16 - I am pretty sure your partner actually didn't know (or didn't believe) this was his child. If you needed to know for sure - you should have insisted on DNA test.

But - the fact that you gave him an ultimatum - me+two young kids VS getting to know his by then grown child - it really terrible.
She was no threat whatsoever to your "family unit".

If she in fact was his kid - than your kids would have grown up knowing their sibling. And your duties as a stepmother - would not really be that draining.

Given that history and your appalling behaviour - I can see why he just went ahead and did a DNA test without telling you.

Please don't manipulate your kids into appeasing you and hence deciding on not getting to know their sibling if they want to.

I am guessing as your kids are still children - they won't have much in common with a 32yo. But who knows - one day they may want to get to know her. If she is in fact a blood relative.

She doesn;t need to feel happy about this, but ultimately there is a person out there who has never had a father, and she is entitled to get to know him. Some people are unable to put others needs before their own. This is one of those times where you should.

You gave him a choice back then to potentially have a relationship with his potential daughter or you and if he chose her - he would split from you and your kids and you would be 'friends' He chose you at the time and ignored his potential daughter - classy behaviour from both of you.

He subsequently has chosen to get the dna test - at a guess because he is not quite so fussed about choosing you anymore - at a guess because you have probably pulled this type of controlling shit in other situations.

When you say nothing would have been achieved back then - what would be achieved for the woman is knowing who her biological father was and him stepping up as a father.

You in particular come across as very controlling and demanding.

Your own children are pretty irrelevant here, I feel.

They are young and this woman is 32.

How (if she is his daughter) is this any different to a man (or woman) having a child from a previous marriage/ partnership?

'Blended families' don't always happen.

It's very possible he could see his daughter (if that is what she is) and have some sort of relationship , without her ever meeting her half-siblings.

I think you are very wrong to involve your children, to ask what they think etc.

They are children. They are not mature enough to make decisions like this.

Decisions over what their father does ,based on an even 32 years ago, are not theirs.

I think you are making them a scapegoat for your own disapproval of this situation.

something makes me think the OP won't return as she's not had the support she expected.

When it all came out years ago he was told if he wanted to form a relationship then that was absolutely fine and i would always be there to support him as a friend and the mother to his other children. He made the discussion not to peruse it that was his decision to make.

Did you give an ultimatum? Its not quite clear from your posts. It seems as though you have said 'have a relationship by all means but if you do, I'm walking away'.

The posts are not particularly clear.

You told him you’d leave him if of had a relationship with her??

you are both sounding like terrible humans

@LAC247

I'm trying to figure out just exactly what you're angry about.

You knew about this possible child years ago (before you married?). Did you tell him that you would want nothing to do with this child then? Did you hint or threaten that you would end your relationship if this child was his or make it sound as if you would make a relationship with this child 'difficult' for him? Sounds as if he denied the possibility. Could it be that he denied it because he didn't want to lose you? Not that it makes that OK, it doesn't. Just trying to figure out why he denied it flat out rather than get a DNA test right then.

So time passed, this child was completely 'forgotten' by both of you and you've had your lovely little life and family.

Are you angry NOW because he went behind your back for the DNA test and won't give you the result? Or are you angry because this child has come back into your life and 'disrupting' it?

In a way, you've brought some on this on yourself. If I had been you I would have INSISTED that he get the DNA test way back then and put the matter to rest once and for all. And I would have threatened to end the relationship if he didn't. Instead you were more than happy to merrily carry on ignoring the fact that there was this child 'out there' that was possibly your husband's. Sounds to me as if this is a case of chickens coming home to roost. If you'd dealt with it then, you wouldn't be dealing with it now. Your DC would have grown up with this half-sibling as part of their lives rather than having it 'sprung' on them now.

And why are you (apparently) angry with this child for popping up now? It's hardly their fault that your DH and you have pushed their possible existence into a dark closet and pretended they didn't exist. And since this child was conceived before you even met DH, why are you so insistent on not having a relationship with them? Your DH didn't 'betray' you, so why should you be so angry with this child?

PS, the fact that your DH won't show you the result tells you everything you need to know. The child is his. If it weren't, he'd be happy to share the result and it would be 'case closed'.

Oh ffs, are you lacking in drama? Some kind of eastenders wannabe?

You tell your OH that you expect him to clarify this for himself and allow him the space to try to make a relationship with this woman if that’s what he wants to do.

you need to decide if this is something you can be a part of or not but if this woman is his child then he should try to build a relationship

until that time, your kids don’t need to decide anything

whether your kids want to know this person or not is up to them, but your stance on this atm is all drama and very little sense.

@BoozeFreeMe
What a nasty comment. Not everyone understands grammar, but it doesn't mean their comments aren't valid.

There's grammar and then there's grammar. Some people just type out a string of consciousness that reads like word salad. It's difficult or sometimes impossible to make head nor tail of a post. I'm not talking about spelling errors, lacking some capitalisation etc but when you get a block of writing with no full stops, no capitals and fragments of statements it's just pointless. I can't see how anyone who can use a laptop or smartphone can be so badly educated that they can't at least type with basic grammar. It's usually laziness. Typing in a phone with thumbs and thinking people will understand. If we don't tell them it's gibberish they'll never learn.

I think that there is more to it than what he is letting out.
I think he KNOWS he is the father. He doesn’t need a DNA test (or actually there has been one done years and years ago…).

But somehow he wants to keep everything separate. His life with his older child. And his life with you and his other two dcs.

But by not telling you what’s going g in, he can then make out you are unreasonable etc….

What should happen is

He is telling you what’s going on. You might not want to be involved but that that doesn’t mean you should be left in the dark
He is seeing his first child, at a pace that works for her. For all we know, she might decide he is a twat for abandoning her and refuses to see him.
Your dcs decide what they want to do (I’m assuming they are old enough! Please don’t do that if they are still under 18yo ish). Assuming that person is their sister.
You decide what you want to do in your marriage. You feel it has been based in lies. Do you want to carry on? Is it salvageable?
Your dcs (again only if old enough!!) decide what sort of relationship they want with their dad wo any pressure from anyone else.

If the question is that all of that is likely to destroy your marriage and family, that’s quite possible. But that will be down to your dh not talking about it, nit taking steps to see his own child 30+ years ago etc etc….
(As an aside, regardless of what you thought or said at the time you learnt about it, he should STILL have carried in seeing his dd. As far as I’m concerned, that’s on him)

'Her being an adult nothing would be achieved'. Wow. I'm fucking glad my dad didn't have this unpleasant attitude when I met him at 27.
Imagine you had never met one of your parents. Would having a relationship with them be enough of an 'achievement' to inconvenience yourselves for?
Such a weird attitude.

I read the OP posts and thought they either have English as second language or has some issues with dyslexia/literacy etc..

Having a go at someone who is in any of those places isn’t going to help what-so ever.
It WILL stop them from seeking help.

There is a lot to reply to so I’ll try and answer everyone, i didn’t bring our children into this his mother did and as a parent I have had to answer any questions they have had, without the proof I can not answer if they have a sibling or not and I think the conclusion is he will have to deal with that side with him not willing to show the proof.
I am not angry with the child at all I am angry someone else blurted it out over the phone with children present and did not give their dad chance to sort it out.
I am in no way trying to get out of the fact it got ignored all them years ago twice over, I did give him the opportunity to sort it out himself and he choose not too right or not I was allowed to make a decision if I wanted to be part of it and I choose not to be I should of insisted a test then and dealt with the answers at the time I understand that and take full responsibility for that.
I was told when we met the mother have sex with 4/5 boys and my husband (sorry I just put oh to shorten the text) could potentially be the father we spoke about it and he denied it and we continued with a relationship.
The child was brought up with a man of which she was told he was her dad and it only came out years later he wasn’t that’s when the mother said it was my husband.
I have told him to peruse a relationship if that’s what he wants so he has no reason not to show the results especially to his other children of not me.

i didn’t bring our children into this his mother did and as a parent I have had to answer any questions they have had

But how did your children overhear a phone call?

Usually the person speaking can't be heard unless you put her on speaker phone.

Your DH needs to show the results. He sounds like an asshole for not doing a DNA test at the time. He lied about not sleeping with her?

Once you know for sure I would meet the DD first and see how she is feeling and if she wants to meet her siblings.

If she does I would talk to your kids about how cool it is they have an older sister and try and find something they have in common like similar eyes or an interest in books. Something like that.

My siblings and I were separated and I grew up not knowing them. It's still complicated but I am so happy I know them. I'm very lucky. 💝

To be fair, he'd had 9 years before he met OP to find out if the daughter was his or not.

But is this a case of him telling you the dna test was positive and you wanting to see it to check and he’s offended you don’t believe him? Quite frankly I think he’s childish not to show you and if you are refusing to believe him unless he shows you the paper - that is childish too.

You keep calling his daughter a child.

She's 32 and only 8 years younger than you, isn't she?

Also, why are you having to answer the questions - what about their father answering those?

None of this is relevant.
Years ago you gave him a choice- you or reconnecting with his daughter.

It's now come back to haunt you, and to be honest, if you'd been more understanding years ago, this wouldn't be happening now.

You need to back off and grow up. This child was conceived well before yours. Are you serious? You should want to see your partner be responsible, not ignore a child of his. And also, stop poisoning your children. They have a sibling! Help them navigate this.

he wont show me the DNA test saying it is non of my business is that normal behavior.

I'm sorry OP but you must know full well this isn't normal behaviour.

That said, it sounds like you've tried to keep out of the situation over the years and so now he feels he has the right to make all of the decisions about it. It's up to your kids if they choose to know their half siblings, a the end of the day.

Why he's never had a DNA test is beyond me.

To be fair, he'd had 9 years before he met OP to find out if the daughter was his or not. And he'd still just be 25!

If he was the father, he was 16 when she was conceived.

25 year old men aren't known for their maturity, on the whole.