Husband has another child

[LAC247]

Hi All
I am in need of some advice my partner of 23 years has decided to go ahead and have a DNA test with a 32 Year Old without discussing it with his current family 2 DC and his mum decided to blurt it out on the phone, he wont show me the DNA test saying it is non of my business is that normal behavior.
Long Story short this person was conceived in a one off at a young age before our relationship started a few boys was a possible father but the mother decided to tell her child years later my oh was the dad, of which we decided as a couple it wouldn't go anywhere having 2 young children to bring up and with her being an adult nothing would be achieved and now years later its all been brought up again. Our children don't want any relationship so how to moved forward :(

RandomPoster456
I am not trying to stop her having a relationship with her father as i have repeated a few times the point is the DNA Test needs to be shown so herself and possible siblings can move forward that being with or without me. Nobody can move on without complete honesty.

I'm confused.

He didn't know he was potentially a father when he met you/ had children with you

8 years ago he was told he may be the father to this woman, but there are also a few other 'candidates'. You said he can have a relationship with her if he wants, that you will support him as a friend and as the mother of his children. Imply that you would have ended things if he chose to get to know his potential daughter.

He has now done a DNA test. But won't show it to you? That is weird

Gran blurted it out on the phone and you now have a confused 11 yr old

@SecondUsername4me

Where has anyone, OP included, said she is "less educated"? You've made that assumption. It's possible she's a genius, and English isn't her first language or whatever, but it's very confusing to read her posts. They aren't clear.

Well, perhaps you've made an assumption I was referring to the original poster. Because that would be a reasonable inference - but I think it is also reasonable for me to make an inference as to what the replies were getting at.

Assuming it's a real-life person asking for help in the middle of a personal crisis, they should be treated as a human being.

It would clearly be better to be welcoming to the daughter, who has had no choices in this. The father is still much more culpable than his partner.

At least he has the opportunity to make amends now and be a better partner and father going forward - without his partner having to do the work of encouraging him to be a better person, too. It is his responsibility.

I think that your title is interesting … I think she is his daughter because if she wasn’t, he would have told you that so the conversation is closed. Has he told his mother ? I wonder if she would want yo get to know her granddaughter ?

i would support him and always be there for him but its not something i wanted to be part of

you don't want to be part off something and then tell that person you don't want to be part of something

then wonder why you were not part of it and not told about what was happening,

it because you stated you didn't want to be part of it - that'll be why hth

Why are you so insistent on seeing the test results?

Presumably he's told you he's the father? Do you believe him or not? Do you have any reason to believe he'd lie about such a bizarre thing?

Butchyrestingface
So our own children can see that he is telling the truth. If he wasnt hiding something then why not just show it.

TBH if my OH had denied the child was his for 32 years, I would want to see the DNA test.

How could you tell the other siblings that they do have another family member if you are not sure yourself?

Surely he wouldn’t be forging a relationship with the young lady if the test hadn’t been positive? So you are really being a little pedantic over wanting to see it. It’s quite strange/disappointing that your children aren’t interested in meeting a sibling. I can’t imagine why they wouldn’t want to. I think you’re all missing an opportunity here. This lady could be lovely.

You said that you both decided it wouldn’t go anywhere and basically not to bother because you had young DC. You actively discouraged your husband from facilitatating this relationship years ago for own interests and now you’re upset because he won’t do it now you have finally decided that YOU want to because it suits? Where is your anger at yourself for your part in letting this poor girl down? It seems that you’re upset because it’s all been bought up again but if that’s how you reacted before, it’s no wonder your husband didn’t tell you. You played a huge role in shutting this down in the beginning when your children were small and trying to make it go away and now you’re upset because you didn’t deal with this when it mattered and now it may cause upset for your children. If this had been sorted when your children were little they’d have had no adverse affect from it. This is equally your own doing because you didn’t encourage him to step up when you first found out there was a possibility this woman could be his daughter. I’m sorry but you’re not a victim, there is one in this story but it’s not you. To be blunt, you move forward by not making it about you and your feelings and tell your husband you were wrong to not help him deal with this years ago. If they want a separate relationship without you and your children involved then that’s their business and nothing to do with you. If he wants to try and introduce her to your family you tell him you will support him when she is ready and do it as a family. If you decide the deception is too much then you leave him then that’s perfectly within your own rights but you cannot stay with him knowing what you knew years ago and then use it with a stick to beat him with.

I wonder if he spent time getting to know her – only for the DNA to show she's not actually his daughter. So now he's spending time with a woman he's not related to, but is clearly becoming entangled with.

My ex husband after we were married and we had our daughter, he admitted that he’d fathered a daughter when he was 15. I was furious about the lies, he got in touch with the mother and sadly she’d passed away at 4. I was absolutely disgusted with him, we divorced not long after ( told far too many lies been one reason) he needs to do the right thing by this girl

I wouldn’t be surprised a man who treated his own child with such disregard can treat me poorly as well 🤷🏽‍♀️.

If the test wasn't positive I doubt your DH would move forward with having a relationship with her. It's obviously a positive test OP. You need to accept that he has another child and see if you can move forward. This really isn't her fault and you shouldn't make her suffer

So you made your husband choose between you and his own child and now you’re angry that he’s chose his child? Struggling to understand what the issue is?

FreyafromLondon
I am not trying to make her suffer i just would like to see the proof of the test. We also have 2 other children mixed up in this and it needs resolving like adults.
How can i encourage our children to have a relationship with a possible sibling without this evidence, is he not also punishing his other child by keeping it to himself.

punctuation seems to be in short supply on mumsnet these days. do we know if there is a global shortage or is it the pesky houthis that are limiting supply to Europe?

@Needanewnamebeingwatched · Today 12:18

Why won't he show you the DNA test?

I remember a story on here or in a mag about a husband who had a "long long daughter" who the wife encouraged him to spend time with etc

Turns out she was the OW and they had both lied so they could legitimately spend time together.

That rings a bell! May have been a channel 5 movie! Definitely something I have heard before.

@LAC247 Of COURSE it is your business. Your husband is being unreasonable! And behaving very suspiciously!

The irony in this post! 😂

What a nasty comment. Not everyone understands grammar, but it doesn't mean their comments aren't valid.

Like the OP’s partner , DS2 had a relationship at a young age and a child was born. The mum wanted nothing to do with DS2. He supported her financially but we never met the girl or our grandson.

Then out of the blue grandson, now 19, contacted his dad. They met, DS2 brought him to meet us, and he was instantly absorbed into our family.
DS told his two much younger children that they had a half brother. ‘Lots of kids at school have one of those’.

Though his mum still does not want contact with us and we have not met his little half-sisters we are very friendly with his grandad. DGS gets on wonderfully with DS2’s partner.

We are very lucky to suddenly acquire such a lovely grandson. His mum and his stepdad did a brilliant job in raising him. He and his GF live near us and join us for holidays and family meals etc just like our other grandchildren. They dote on him and he reciprocates.

OP, this new person may turn out to be as much of a blessing to your family as our DGS is to ours.

I would move forward very slowly, chunk by chunk.

Tell your DH to go ahead and get to know the son he ignored for years, before dragging you lot into it.

Why are your kids 'being encouraged' to have a relationship with him when your DH has no relationship with him?

Your kids could wait a couple of years if needs be, why the mad hurry?

Just be careful your kids aren't being used by your DH as a human shield because he's afraid to meet and get to know his son on his own.

This half-sibling of your kids is very much a grown man, only 8 years younger than yourself in fact.

Agree. Nasty comment. Also, the irony in it!!! 😆

Likewise be careful you are not using your kids as a human shield to get your DH to show you the DNA test.

Like I said before, your kids don't need to be involved until further down the line, if that is the right thing for them.

Do not drag your kids into a 'problem' with a half-sibling and their mother that you have issues with.

Don't make a problem for your kids that they didn't have already just because you want to make a point about something.

Yes, I’ve heard capital letters are in extremely short supply!