Husband has another child

[LAC247]

Hi All
I am in need of some advice my partner of 23 years has decided to go ahead and have a DNA test with a 32 Year Old without discussing it with his current family 2 DC and his mum decided to blurt it out on the phone, he wont show me the DNA test saying it is non of my business is that normal behavior.
Long Story short this person was conceived in a one off at a young age before our relationship started a few boys was a possible father but the mother decided to tell her child years later my oh was the dad, of which we decided as a couple it wouldn't go anywhere having 2 young children to bring up and with her being an adult nothing would be achieved and now years later its all been brought up again. Our children don't want any relationship so how to moved forward :(

OP, you need to sit your DH down and have a proper conversation with him. He needs to show you the DNA results and if he is the father of this woman ,then you need to let him (and your DC) have a relationship with her. I can’t believe you brushed it under the carpet for so long, all those years he could have got to know her. It’s very sad indeed.

Capital letters as well, going by your post.

Op your posts are very hard to follow.

You said at first he'd done a DNA test but wouldn't tell you the result.

Then you say no test was done.

You also say that some 'boys' were the possible father.
So how do you or your partner know that he is the father?

It's all rather muddled.

I think the absence of capitals was done on purpose.

Hilarious… Not.

Totally agree with this. The mistakes of the past can’t be undone but you need to all be doing the right thing now it’s in the open.

You DH needs to get the test done if he hasn’t already and you’ll then know one way or the other then decisions about how you go forward can be made.

Agree that it's shitty to correct how the OP writes.

I don't think any woman would be thrilled to acquire a 32 year old step daughter tbh. It does upset the dynamics of the family. And OP probably convinced herself that since several boys were in the frame, that her dh wasn't the father. And that the time to investigate was years ago, frankly.

The husband really isn't helping the situation by being a childish twat and refusing to show his wife the results.

OP, tell him you want nothing to do with him until he starts behaving like a grown up and talks to you properly as a partner should! I wouldn't be having anything to do with him until I saw that paperwork and established wtf he thinks he's doing.

I'm a bit confused.
You say its his child so presumably he has told you the DNA test said this - but you and him are fighting over whether you can physically see the results in writing rather than taking his word for it?

He said the test has been done but wont show it to me, he told me the test was done 8 weeks ago.

Sorry but this is just silly.

Either he is , or isn't, the father of this woman.

Why won't he show you the result? If he's not her father, surely he would say so?

You're assuming he IS yet he might not be.

None of you are coming off well in that garbled story.

It's like something from EastEnders.

If I'm reading it right, he didn't tell you about the DNA test because the last time the issue was raised you said you wanted no part in it.

Excuse me, this is MN not a court of law. Nobody has a right to anything beyond basic politeness. If posts are difficult to read nobody has an obligation to decipher them. The OP's earlier posts did sound like she deliberately denied the existence of this child.

And I'm still not sure what the OP's question is! It looks like she doesn't want to involve her kids without the DNA test. But they don't even need to be involved? I'm still confused.

OP won't believe anything without the DNA test (fair enough) but seems really sure that her DH is the dad?

And she hasn't said what her DH wants to do at this point as well. Only that she 'allows a relationship' but has he said that he's going to meet his supposed daughter?

Long Story short this person was conceived in a one off at a young age before our relationship started a few boys was a possible father but the mother decided to tell her child years later my oh was the dad, of which we decided as a couple it wouldn't go anywhere having 2 young children to bring up and with her being an adult nothing would be achieved

She's a human being, for god's sake. You weren't even together when she was born, so it's awful that you resent her so much. She's done nothing wrong.

If it turns out that she is your husband's daughter, I hope they manage to connect and salvage some kind of father-daughter bond from this difficult situation. Why wouldn't you want that for your husband? Why wouldn't you want your own children to know their sister? It's not as if your husband cheated on you, ffs!

Exactly.

The only reason surely for not showing you, is that he is not her father!

And all this cloak and dagger stuff has been a nonsense.

@KreedKafer He's not her husband.

OP says 'partner'.

Why won’t he show you the result? Is he saying she IS his daughter but just won’t show you the evidence or something else?

@LAC247 What is his reason for not showing you the results of the test?

Have you asked him?

What does he say?

I'd be really upset that he discussed with his own mother but not partner. You found out by accident. That says a lot about how he feels

He may be in shock himself.

And the OP made it clear years ago that she wanted nothing to do with him if the child was his.

Long Story short this person was conceived in a one off at a young age before our relationship started a few boys was a possible father but the mother decided to tell her child years later my oh was the dad, of which we decided as a couple it wouldn't go anywhere having 2 young children to bring up and with her being an adult nothing would be achieved

It would be nicer if you didn't call her 'this person' and actually referred to her as his daughter (or not.)

but the mother decided to tell her child years later my oh was the dad,

How does her mother know your partner is the father?
You say (if it's true) that the mother , way back then, was having sex with other men.

Has your partner been in touch with this woman from his past?
How has he had access to his daughter and evidence to use to test the DNA?

He can't just use his own DNA.

You didn't want your dh to have a relationship with his child. Your totally unreasonable. I'm not suprised he doesn't want your involvement you hinder his chance of getting to know his own child.

How did he find the mother of this women, and the woman herself, to obtain DNA to be matched with his?

There is a lot missing from your account.

He'd have to know the woman who he had sex with and her daughter.
As it was over 30 years ago how has he tracked her down?

Well, you plainly don't trust him.

Which is an issue in and of itself.

The more I read of this, the odder it is.

@LAC247 This woman who may be his child is now 32!

How did he find her?

Do you all live near each other and he's always known where she was?

How much contact has he had n 32 years?

Did he contact her out of nowhere and say he might be her father?

It doesn't make sense.

So when he got with you he knew that he might have a child but didn't tell you?

Why didn't the mum find out who the father was at the time?

Partner of husband?

You refer to him by both.

I hope the OP comes back.

I want to know how a 32 year old woman must feel if a man rocked up and demanded her DNA sample, saying he might be her father.

What lies or not has she been told for 32 years?

Is anyone telling the truth here?