Husband has another child

[LAC247]

Hi All
I am in need of some advice my partner of 23 years has decided to go ahead and have a DNA test with a 32 Year Old without discussing it with his current family 2 DC and his mum decided to blurt it out on the phone, he wont show me the DNA test saying it is non of my business is that normal behavior.
Long Story short this person was conceived in a one off at a young age before our relationship started a few boys was a possible father but the mother decided to tell her child years later my oh was the dad, of which we decided as a couple it wouldn't go anywhere having 2 young children to bring up and with her being an adult nothing would be achieved and now years later its all been brought up again. Our children don't want any relationship so how to moved forward :(

You and your kids are nbu to not want a relationship

Your partner is unreasonable not to tell you that he’s changed his mind and wants a dna. He owes you an explanation about whether he’s doing it for his and her piece of mind or is considering a relationship. The secrecy is not good for his relationship with you. I think he’s unreasonable not to tell you the results even if it’s for practical reasons like helping her financially or spending time visiting her.
Your partner isn’t unreasonable to change his mind on this issue.He isn’t unreasonable to not discuss this issue with the kids until he has the results. If he hasn’t spoken to you because he’s not sure about how he feels about the results then he should explain that to you. That’s a valid response to a potentially life changing issue.

Your MIL is not unreasonable to tell you. I think that you should have know about it, especially if you and her are normally friends.

Reading between the lines, is it possible that he’s afraid of your reaction? You sound very angry and whatever the result is, is it possible that you’d be angry? If she isn’t his daughter then will you feel angry that the ex wasted your family’s time and energy? If she is his daughter then will you feel angry that this test should have been done in the early days of you dating your partner ?

Well, if you were happy just to ignore her and live in denial all those years ago, I don't know what makes it so different now. Her existence isn't news to you and she doesn't need any parenting now. She has a right to a relationship with her father, you can stay out of it. Your kids can also make their own decision about it; not much you can do but be supportive of their choice.

Sounds like you both swept it under the carpet all those years ago so obviously it would resurface at some point. It is odd that he isn’t willing to show you the test results because either way surely it won’t stay secret

Whether or not your DC want a relationship, I would need to know myself, I don’t agree with keeping secrets.

It is clear that you are angry about the situation and despite you giving your kids the option to pursue a relationship with their sibling I very much suspect they can pick up the vibes you are giving off and they don't want to upset you. I assume they are likely still under 20.

Your husband is still coming to terms with the proof that he is her father and possibly the guilt he feels for not insisting on having a relationship earlier presumably as a result of you guilt tripping him then with your I am the mother of your children tale!

LenaLamont
Yes that is correct apart from the DNA test i don't know if it has been done or planned to be done he wont show it. I haven't got an issue with him having a relationship as Ive told him but how can our children be expected to without the proof this cant move forward without complete honesty.
DeeLusional
He denied her for 32 years the test should of be done at the time.

You're both scumbags as you decided not to "deal" with your husbands child years ago. Him slightly more than you, but still wrong.

Your kids will just have to make their own decision, with you and your husband being supportive.

I quite agree.

Op, if this person does turn out to be your husband's child, the fact is not going to take anything away from you and your children. A 32 year old isn't about to demand maintenance payments but will want contact, which could be beneficial for both parties.

He should tell you the result of the dna test. Be nice! Also, encourage your children to be nice as well.

Please do learn to punctuate; none of us is perfect but your opening post was quite painful to read.

@2jacqi not a ‘lovechild’, the man banged some woman years before he met OP.

It would be good if she could write clearly

The children may change their opinion over time. They wouldn’t be unreasonable to be hesitant because there’s more than one potential father as mentioned in OP’s posts.

Spirallingdownwards
Yes my youngest being 11 and i understand that he might need to process the information. It is now out in the open it needs to be resolved once and for all the lies are not helping anybody or the refusal to show the proof.

You’re 40 so you’ve been with him since you were 17? And he was mid 20s at that point and apparently unaware his teenage fumblings had led to a child as you’re suggesting several names were in the frame. Of course a test should have been done at the time but don’t we all love the benefit of hindsight - a 20 something most likely had their mind elsewhere but that’s life. Probably also didn’t take your ultimatum seriously.
I’m sorry you’re coming across as quite jealous for want of a better word - do
you happen to know the mother of the girl in question?

I do wonder who decided what your children "want" here as well. It would be very odd if they weren't even curious about their potential older sister.

How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and someone was trying to stop or stopped your child from having a relationship with their father? Adult now or not is irrelevant, this poor woman has grown up without a father whilst you and your children have had the luxury of a life with him. Respectfully, this isn’t about you and you should be encouraging your OH to step up and make ammends. Your behaviour will influence your children’s opinion on this person, if you act like she’s a black sheep or a villain your children won’t be inclined to like her. If you swallow your own possesion issues and insecurities about her and welcomed her like you should be then your children will likely have no issues with her.

The OP is getting a really hard time because her written English is not good - there are some awful replies here. It's really unnecessary.

Did no-one spot her saying 'I was invested in a relationship that was based on lies'?

She did not go into this relationship knowing he had a child, and has no responsibilities to her partner's daughter. Her partner is responsible for this situation - and he has behaved really badly, to both her and his daughter.

It's really interesting from the replies here to see that people with less education are seen as effectively deserving poor treatment. People have rights to fair treatment and fair consideration - even if their Mumsnet posts are 'difficult to read'.

So if you don't know if a test has been done, or is planning on being done, how have you both got to the point where you've told an 11 year old they have a grown up half sister?

Surely the children shouldn't know until its at least confirmed?

It doesn't have to be a huge deal for your children, and I don't really understand why you haven't encouraged this relationship. Sometimes, there are more important things at stake that you have to be supportive with. I'm sorry, but your husband should have sorted this earlier and you should have been supportive of it. The selfishness of some people is staggering.

I'm finding it hard to understand your posts but can only gauge that a) you don't seem a v pleasant person and, b)why shouldn't your partner have a relationship with his daughter??

RandomPoster456
I would not lie about the paternity of my child in the first place and i have encouraged him as i said. I have asked for proof of the test so we can all move forward.
TiredCatLady
It was mentioned when the child was born he could be potentially the father nothing was done about it i was lied to also.

1. The OP says the partner didn't find out til years later and says "so we decided that...." so her relationship wasn't based on lies as the partner didn't even know!

1. Where has anyone, OP included, said she is "less educated"? You've made that assumption. It's possible she's a genius, and English isn't her first language or whatever, but it's very confusing to read her posts. They aren't clear.

SecondUsername4me
The Grandmother blurted it out on the phone with the 11 year old present.

I remember the story too!

Sounds like a story from the Jeremy Kyle show, what a bloody mess.

You seem to be awfully focused on the past which at this point is extremely unhelpful. The fact your partner has lied is a completely separate issue that’s not the girls fault. That is the real crux of the issue here. If I found out my husband had not bothered to find out if they had a child or not and be there for them I’d divorce him in a heartbeat for being so spineless and a shit father not just because he’s lied to me. Why do you think your children matter more than she does? She’s not trying to take your place or your children’s in your husbands life, only be a part of it like she deserves. Why is that so difficult for you to understand? She didn’t ask to be born or for any of this to happen. She shouldn’t be made to feel like an inconvenience to you for the fact she exists and before you were even on the scene. It’s the present day that matters now and that woman deserves a chance at having a life with her father. The past cannot be changed, only the future. Don’t do her any more disservice than others already have.