Partner kissed a colleague that I have been worried about

[NewMum383]

My partner & I have (both 24) recently had a baby boy, he is now 3 1/2 months old. We have been together for 7 1/2 years. My partner had to get an evening job at a bar to help support us which I am so appreciative of.
However, the is a colleague of his that he would talk about (she is 2 years younger, 22), at first I didn’t think much of it but then I became anxious about it & told him I was worried that this girl liked him/he may actually like her. He reassured me many times, I honestly felt crazy & I thought it was just postpartum hormones.
My partner would also always get drunk at work so he would come home really drunk, later than his shift ending or he would go out into town without telling me.
I found out this weekend just gone that when he decided to go out into town after work with this female colleague & another male colleague the weekend before, he ended up getting black out drunk & they kissed…
He waited a week until he was back on shift with her to speak to her about it & get the facts & then he told me the next day. He said he wanted all the facts before telling me.

He is extremely remorseful & said it was the biggest mistake of his life. I even messaged her to get more information which thankfully she actually maned up & gave me. He apparently said straight after “this is a mistake” & then came home not long after.
He has also quit that job, I didn’t ask him to, he wanted to because he can see it’s not good for him.

I know it was a mistake & I can tell how sorry he is however, I can’t help just thinking about how much I have sacrificed for him to bring our beautiful baby boy into the world, how he leaves me at home to look after our son & his older son to go get drunk after work.
I have been feeling so rubbish about myself as it is & I have told him that because my body has changed so much & then he goes & does this.
I really don’t know how I’m going to be able to get over it, I know it was only a kiss & it could have been worse, but I am absolutely heartbroken

He left the job so that he wouldn’t be tempted to do it again. But do you trust him to not do it again?
I hope you are claiming child benefit into your own bank account?

"Only a kiss" is still cheating. At least he has quit the job, so maybe that shows some good intention on his part. Why is he leaving you to parent his child? Does he step up enough?

I know how you feel and it's really horrible. The thing is though it's not just the kiss. He's out all the time, drinks until he blacks out, spends all his money on alcohol, mixes with women in a way that's inevitably going to lead to infidelity, He might be a nice guy when he is sober but he really isn't a good partner for you.

I don't think I would bother trying to make this work. If you do get along then maybe you could separate and coparent in a friendly manner. Expecting him to change is absolutely futile.

Is he still getting drunk? He may have left the job but this could happen again if he is regularly out of control.

I don’t know if I trust him, he’s never ever done anything like this before & he has always prided himself on the fact he hasn’t.
I think obviously the distrust is very fresh right now so I really don’t know.

Part of the reason he has left the job is so he’s not going to just be getting drunk whilst at work. I mean he’s not supposed to but this girl he kissed is his supervisor & she just lets everyone drink.

Why don't you let him stay home and you go out to work if that's what you want (especially if the older child is his)

I mean he’s leaving me to parent his child whilst he’s at work which is absolutely fine! But then he doesn’t come home from work straight away… that’s the frustrating bit

He has never ever mixed like this with other woman before. But I have been telling him for weeks I was worried. I wonder if maybe it’s because I was putting the idea in his head that she liked him that he let it happen.
He is super remorseful & said that he is going to stop taking me for granted but I’m worried that these changes that he’s promising to make won’t last long…

Good people make bad decisions, it doesnt make them bad people.

It depends moer on what he is like day to day, is this worth ending your relationship for when he has put steps in place to ensure he doesnt end up in that situation again.

He doesn’t want me to go back to work yet, he wants me to spend as much time with our little one. I mean I suggested I go back to work too because we have a great support network so I could go back part time to make up for the hours he’s lost at the pub. Which was literally only like 12 hours a week tops

I think you should go back to work, it sounds like you don’t mind the idea and it will be very good for him to take the home shift for some times. Make sure you go out after and come home whenever you like. Point out you aren’t shitfaced.

Two kids with two different women by 24 and he’s not adequately parenting either of them.
He’s out drinking instead of caring for them, treating you like trash, and has been forced
to leave a job he needed to support them because you cannot trust him
to keep working there.

This needs to be a transformative moment for him. He needs to step up. Parents don’t get to behave like this.

The only reason he went out into town after work without telling me or making sure I was okay with it (now I’m not saying he has to ask me to do everything but we have a family together), is because I went out the night before for the first time in over a year. I went to a clients birthday party which was a free bar, had a great time & then went into town with a female colleague after. I told him where I was going, I told him who I was with. Mind you I got back late but he knew where I was & he was okay with it. Of course because it was the first time since before being pregnant.
So just because I planned to go out & went out to let my hair down for once he then took that as a green pass that he could go out without telling me, “because I would have been asleep”… and look what it lead to. He says he wished he never went out to which I told him that he had a choice & he made it knowing the fact I didn’t trust this girl.

I think it's worth trying to stick it out for the sake of your baby (assuming you want to and you love him). He seems to be sorry and does seem to be taking steps to prevent it happening again by quitting the job. It will take time for you to trust him again but given time and assuming he acts properly then it's possible.

I also don't mean to sound patronising but this sort of thing is more likely to happen when you settle down at 24. You're both still so young, hormones are raging still and your brains still aren't properly developed. It's much easier to be logical when you're 34 than when you're 24. Especially as everyone around you will have also settled down whereas at 24 you're much more likely to spend a lot of time with people who are nowhere near that. I think if you settle down at 24 you may have to prepare to weather a few more storms than if you settle down later.

No, that wouldn’t work for me. Gets drunk during and after work, and goes out into town without telling you whilst he has a partner and young baby at home? I’d have finished this before he got as far as kissing someone. What an immature, selfish individual. Please value yourself more than this.

This is NOT your fault. There are red flag flags a mile high all over this relationship as you’ve described it. Really unhealthy, and not good for a child to be raised around.

How old is his older child? He must have been very young when he was born if you've been together since 16yo. My advice would be to spend a bit more time with your baby first, then go back to work to make sure you are financially independent. Because him getting drunk and snogging colleagues while you're at home with a tiny baby doesn't look good for your relationship. Protect yourself and your child.

If you want to work, work.

Thankfully it was just a kiss.
Trust him to try his best.
If you have support use it each fortnight to allow you both to go out together. Also go on outings with the kids to free stuff regularly. Invite friends over for make your own pizza etc.
He could work at a fast food place, like MacDonalds, or as an office cleaner if he needs extra work for a couple of months.

He is right in not wanting to work at a bar.
Start afresh and make a life for your new little family that is interesting in a sustainable way.

I get what you mean about age, we are very young. We have been together since we were 17 & have lived together for nearly 4 years. So I do get what you mean.
One thing he said was that he was acting like a child & almost not like himself. To which I reminded him he isn’t a child & he has 2 children & a partner who he is supposed to be marrying as he proposed a year ago.
I love him with all my heart & he is a good day when he’s fully present but the drinking gets in the way. Part of me thinks he drinks so much because he’s not happy with us/me but he’s said that if he really wanted to cheat on me/it to go further he wouldn’t have told me straight away.

@NewMum383 You are both 24 and have been together since you were 17 (you said 7 years). So he had his first child before he met you or did he cheat on you previously?

How much time does he spend with his older child? Is it worth contacting his mother to tell her that when he has his son, he is leaving him with you?

His eldest has just turned 9. He had him in high school with a girl that got pregnant to trap him (she admitted this), so he’s had to grow up quicker than most teenagers but he stepped up & didn’t run away & he loves his eldest to pieces

Does he have a day job?

His eldest is with us half the time, it’s split equally. I don’t want to get his mum involved because she’s not a very nice person, she has in the past caused extreme drama in the way of child services & police… so I wouldn’t want to give her anything to work off to start doing stuff like that again