Partner kissed a colleague that I have been worried about

[NewMum383]

My partner & I have (both 24) recently had a baby boy, he is now 3 1/2 months old. We have been together for 7 1/2 years. My partner had to get an evening job at a bar to help support us which I am so appreciative of.
However, the is a colleague of his that he would talk about (she is 2 years younger, 22), at first I didn’t think much of it but then I became anxious about it & told him I was worried that this girl liked him/he may actually like her. He reassured me many times, I honestly felt crazy & I thought it was just postpartum hormones.
My partner would also always get drunk at work so he would come home really drunk, later than his shift ending or he would go out into town without telling me.
I found out this weekend just gone that when he decided to go out into town after work with this female colleague & another male colleague the weekend before, he ended up getting black out drunk & they kissed…
He waited a week until he was back on shift with her to speak to her about it & get the facts & then he told me the next day. He said he wanted all the facts before telling me.

He is extremely remorseful & said it was the biggest mistake of his life. I even messaged her to get more information which thankfully she actually maned up & gave me. He apparently said straight after “this is a mistake” & then came home not long after.
He has also quit that job, I didn’t ask him to, he wanted to because he can see it’s not good for him.

I know it was a mistake & I can tell how sorry he is however, I can’t help just thinking about how much I have sacrificed for him to bring our beautiful baby boy into the world, how he leaves me at home to look after our son & his older son to go get drunk after work.
I have been feeling so rubbish about myself as it is & I have told him that because my body has changed so much & then he goes & does this.
I really don’t know how I’m going to be able to get over it, I know it was only a kiss & it could have been worse, but I am absolutely heartbroken

He has an older son and you have been together 7 1/2 years so he has either cheated before or he had a son when he was 16/17?

Your DP shouldn't have to listen to you in order to be trustworthy. That's on him. His 'naivety' defence is pathetic. I guess if you're determined to forgive him and try to rebuild the trust, then you'd have to draw the line very fucking clearly (seeing as he's apparently so naive/dim/sure he'll get away with it) that if it ever happens again then it's over. But then you'd have to stick to that.

@JodieFostersFurHood

he had his eldest son at 15!!

Thanks I just saw all the posts!

@Pinkdelight3

I know I know…. I mean he has said to me as well he has no excuse really.
you’re right I need to set out my conditions… (need to figure them out first 😂🤦🏻‍♀️)

Jesus Christ he’s treating you like his mother - taking your guidance, realising you were right. C’mon - he’s sapping the life blood out of you a d you are letting him. This is not a respectful equal partnership. Leave him

Report her, I'm pretty sure her alcohol license conditions don't cover getting pissed at work and encouraging her staff too.

I’m just going to address everyone now because I’ve suddenly got very overwhelmed with how many messages there are & how many are just telling me to leave him.
I appreciate everyone’s advice & support, I certainly have a lot to think about whether it’s worth fighting for or not but I appreciate everyone’s support regardless what I decided.

@intact

i nearly did when I was super angry but I’m not a nasty person & I would feel bad ruining someone’s job/life so I just can’t bring myself to do it

I hate to say it but I’d assume he didn’t tell you until he’d spoken to her as he was getting his story straight with her, as in it was more than a kiss and are you sure another colleague was there, and that just the two of them didn’t go out.

and are you saying he quit his job without another to go to? That seems odd. Sure he wasn’t fired?

@janeintheframe

that is a point to be honest… apparently she didn’t want him to tell me though so I don’t know.

yes he quit his job without another to go to.
can I also add he does have a day time job so he’s not just let us completely in the shit. His bar job was just to help make things easier. He is going to be looking for another part time job after this weekend

^^ THIS. 100%.
Just what redeeming qualities does this lying, drunk, thieving, cheating, controlling individual have?

@NewMum383 its not up to you to tell your partner not to kiss other women, it’s up to him to not want to/act on it. The getting drinks for free/stealing at work doesn’t make it any better. I can’t imagine anything worse than being drunk at work/wanting to be drunk at work.

Being a good dad isn’t Disney and just playing with the kids. It’s doing the mental kid, the housework etc. And not needing your partner to tell you not to drink/cheat

@NewMum383 I would hide this thread now. Take some time and space without the baying hounds of MN who want a soap opera played out in front of them. Work out what YOU want in the wider context of your life, not just the snapshot presented here that everyone is going to pick apart and think they know everything about all aspects of your life and relationship. The default is you are young and therefore must be clueless. You actually come across to me as level headed and sensible, but hurting (and rightly so).

There is support out there for repairing after infidelity, if that is ultimately what you decide, but probably not on MN. This place has very few people who openly admit to putting their relationship back together and working things out. It tends to be incredibly damning and see cheating as a demonstration of a person's entire character. I used to feel that way, until it happened to me. Life is a lot more complicated.

Hmmm, I’m not sure I agree with some of these answers.

i can easily see how if the culture was everyone drinking at work, (and yes I know it’s theft) going out and getting drunk after, then why he may join in, he’s young and it’s not unusual getting plastered at that age., so can see why he’s tempted,to join in. Yes the fact he’s got two kids and has settled down early should change that, but I can see the temptation.

i think thr worse issue is he’s cheated, and lied, and I’m not sure I’d be buying his story, in my experience they tell the least they can ger away with, maybe he was worried someone would tell the op what he’d been up to.

as he’s been lying about fancying the other girl, it doesn’t really make sense he came over all honourable, and just had to tell the op, but oddly had to speak to the other girl first, and paint himself as the good guy, I was drunk, I had to tell you, she didn’t want me to, there was another guy there etc.

it just feels like he’s spun her a line, got his story straight with the other girl, and got in there first before someone could tell the op he was over the side and cheating on her, possibly another member of staff, and that’s why he’s done a runner from the job,

@Farwell

i really appreciate that comment, you’re right obviously cheating is not okay but everything goes so much deeper…
think you’re right, think I’ll stop looking at the thread now, it made me feel better filled a short while but my mind is racing again so I need to figure out myself what I want. Thank you again

OP, you should take more time to think things through rather than sitting down tonight to hash it all out and lay down your conditions.
You need to really spend time working out what these are, not throwing them together.

If you chose to forgive him and move on, you have to truly do that and mean it. You can't punish him for years to come or throw it back in his face as neither of you will be happy. If you can't do that, you need to separate.

Let's ignore the kiss for now. He took on a bar job to help make ends meet. This is a good quality. However, I've worked in bars/hospitality most of my adult life and I can promise you that I've never drank while on shift other than a glass of prosecco at midnight on NYE. One bar I worked in we had staff beers which we could help ourselves to and no one got pissed on shift. It's basic responsibility and respect for your job and employer. I don't care if the supervisor was allowing it, he did it. He decided to drink so much, risk his job knowing full well you were at home looking after a newborn and his older child. That is not a good quality.

Him staying out after work is not showing you any respect. What if you needed him? What if the baby wasn't sleeping and the older kid had nightmares? It's disrespectful to everyone. How do you know this is the first time he's cheated? You don't. He may not even remember cheating other times or think they were easier to get away with. You've had months of disrespect and the only time he's straightened out is now.

This kiss may have made him realise what he stands to lose. It may be the thing that completely turns him around. It may not. If this is how he deals with stress then you've got a hell of a shock coming in the future.

I'm sorry OP.

I’m sorry that happened to you, and glad you were able to over come it,but I don’t think it means you get to attack people who would not do the same and give different advice to you. Giving different advice, or not staying when someone’s cheated, doesn’t make them baying hounds or wanting a soap opera.

you can disagree and give your opinion without being abusive.

Anthropologically speaking, he is very traditional.

Like, Cro Magnon era traditional.

Having multiple kids by multiple women and not really looking after any of them other to play-fight is classic hunter-gatherer tradition. Only thing that's missing here is the part where he bravely fights a woolly mammoth to protect the tribe. Based on the info given here, he'd probably run away 'shaking and crying'.

OP, you sound intelligent, loving and resourceful. I'm not saying leave him, you need to focus on your new baby right now, but don't be too quick to forgive him...stay vigilant and put yourself and your baby first.

"He doesn’t want me to go back to work yet, he wants me to spend as much time with our little one"

Red Flag!
Why does he get to call the shots? Based on his recent behaviour you should be getting yourself back to work.

You've had your first warning - I am sure he's very sorry for kissing the Supervisor - but you had misgivings and he ignored you. You're both very young with a young child.

At the end of the day he has shown you he is a person that you cannot ever completely trust or rely on!

Nothing abusive in my post, if you feel there is, report me. I have been using MN for close to 20 years now. I have seen it time and again, the way these threads go, the moment there is a sniff of cheating. The damning character assassination of the partner, the running down of the OP, the demands for an outcome, as if posters are owed something. It turns into a pack mentality and becomes increasingly unhelpful to a conflicted OP who is struggling to make sense of her emotions.

If he'd taken responsibility for his own contraception there would have been less chance of him being 'trapped'

You are both young but at least one of you has grown up

Time he did

eeeeeep he has another child he had at 15!!!!! he's probably never had the wild teenage years and he didn't even get to do anything fun in his 20s cue you guys decided to have a baby young!

His choice though - he shouldn't have had a baby and settled down at 24 if he wanted to party and be care free

tbh i don't think this will get better - he is clearly craving something he missed out on - like the nights out and everything he got from working in the pub! he's not ready to settle down -id probably give one more chance - but first hint of any of this id be splitting up !

@Fupoffyagrasshole

i mean he definitely partied in high school before he had his eldest & we have had our fair share of partying whilst being together when we were younger.

but maybe you’re right. Maybe he’s just not ready to give that up. Or not even give it up because you can still go out & have fun with friends but that comes second to family!!