Partner kissed a colleague that I have been worried about

[NewMum383]

My partner & I have (both 24) recently had a baby boy, he is now 3 1/2 months old. We have been together for 7 1/2 years. My partner had to get an evening job at a bar to help support us which I am so appreciative of.
However, the is a colleague of his that he would talk about (she is 2 years younger, 22), at first I didn’t think much of it but then I became anxious about it & told him I was worried that this girl liked him/he may actually like her. He reassured me many times, I honestly felt crazy & I thought it was just postpartum hormones.
My partner would also always get drunk at work so he would come home really drunk, later than his shift ending or he would go out into town without telling me.
I found out this weekend just gone that when he decided to go out into town after work with this female colleague & another male colleague the weekend before, he ended up getting black out drunk & they kissed…
He waited a week until he was back on shift with her to speak to her about it & get the facts & then he told me the next day. He said he wanted all the facts before telling me.

He is extremely remorseful & said it was the biggest mistake of his life. I even messaged her to get more information which thankfully she actually maned up & gave me. He apparently said straight after “this is a mistake” & then came home not long after.
He has also quit that job, I didn’t ask him to, he wanted to because he can see it’s not good for him.

I know it was a mistake & I can tell how sorry he is however, I can’t help just thinking about how much I have sacrificed for him to bring our beautiful baby boy into the world, how he leaves me at home to look after our son & his older son to go get drunk after work.
I have been feeling so rubbish about myself as it is & I have told him that because my body has changed so much & then he goes & does this.
I really don’t know how I’m going to be able to get over it, I know it was only a kiss & it could have been worse, but I am absolutely heartbroken

@Ecstaticmotion

thank you for this advice, I will look at the links you’ve attached.

I definitely don’t think it’s out of my system yet. I thought I was okay after I’d spoken to the girl he kissed but yesterday was a wholeeeee another rollercoaster of emotions & I’ve woken up still feeling pretty shitty.

I don’t have a clue what’s going to happen really in the long run but thank you for the genuine advice

You are far too young for all of this drama, this should be one of the happiest times of your life and instead you are worried about him cheating again.

Personally, at 24, I'd be leaving - with my baby being my strength to do so. You are so you, can you imagine another 50 years with him?

*so young

You don't need to go back to work yet, but make sure you do when the time is right.

Take some time to think carefully, do not make a decision rashly and led by your emotions. You can end the relationship any time for any reason, if you choose to. You don't need to decide now.

Remember we only get a snapshot of your life from one side, and people then fill in the gaps with stories of their own, make wild assumptions etc.

He may be a good man who has made some stupid choices, been irresponsible. Or he may be a monumental arsehole who is going to leave a trail of women raising his kids behind him. None of us can know from the other end of a screen.

If you genuinely want this to work out, I would ask him to seek out support for himself on how to restore trust. He needs to grow up and start acting like an adult. E.g. If he can't trust himself after drinking, he needs to quit.

@Pinkdelight3

youre right. This is something we’ve discussed already about the fact he’s been acting like a child when he really isn’t.

I don’t have a back up plan at the moment, I have a good support system though so if we were to go our separate ways I wouldn’t be completely alone.

I said to him this morning that I don’t believe he’s going to stop the drinking & he’s very adamant he is going to…

It’s very naive to think you would just get over your fiancée and father of your child cheating on you in a matter of days, if I have the timeline correct. It takes time, if you can do it at all. He sounds like he’s a selfish prick to be honest, just carrying on like a teenager and leaving you holding the baby. And he doesn’t want you to go back to work. That’s interesting.
Im not one to say you should or shouldn’t forgive someone, but you need to be sure he’s going to make every effort to be a better person, a better fiancé and a better dad. Right now, I’m not sure how much he’s actually done.

@WandaWonder

what do you mean it seems like I don’t know what’s going on??

No, me & my partner have lived together for nearly 4 years.

He's done this at what should be the most happy time of your life and also happens to be THE most vulnerable time of your life. I have a baby the same age as yours. If my partner cheated I would be gutted and end the relationship.

If he did it when I was this newly post partum, I would be gutted, end the relationship and think of him as a next level arsehole for doing something like that at such a vulnerable time for the mother of his child.

You've been sacrificing lots and even helping take care of his other child. He's been going out on the piss and cheated on you.

He is not a good dad and he's certainly not a good partner.

@whatsitcalledwhen

this is exactly what hurts the most I think, is the timing… weirdly I think if he’s done this a few years back I’d have been able to move past it easier.
but I have literally been telling him how lonely I feel, how awful I feel about myself since giving birth & he hasn’t really been listening I don’t think.

I mean he said this is a massive wake up call to what he really wants & he realises he has been taking me for granted & wants to stop that & prove to me how much he wants to be with me/our family. So it’s really hard. I mean obviously all you guys can see how sorry he really is, he was literally physically unwell when I said to him the other day that I wanted him out the house because I was so angry & he got sent home from work because he was just shaking & crying… which I feel so bad about haha but I know I shouldn’t, he did this himself. I’m glad he is shitting himself about his future & whether I’ll still be here…

I don’t know whether some time apart might be a good idea so I can properly process my emotions. But then we have a baby & I wouldn’t want to keep him from our baby & I also don’t want his eldest to question anything…. Ahhh I don’t know.

Whatever the past is, I would be more worried about the future. If you are both serious about a reset I would find a way for him to move out, maybe back with his parents, have the children 50/50, yes go back to work a few hours and date. Find a way to both choose to be together rather than be stuck together. You were so young when you got together, it might be useful to discover who you are as an individual. I fear this is something that will keep recurring every few years and there are happier ways to live. None of that is easy I know with small children but it might be your only choice. You can’t make him faithful through vigilance and it will send you into a constant destructive spiral. You have time to sort this.

The kiss isn't ideal, but his wider pattern of behaviour is much more concerning overall especially his approach to alcohol.

There's no point getting into the fact that children having children usually leads to some drama and issues along the way because it's not like he can take his older child back. It sounds like the older child is caught in the instability of two in parents who weren't mature enough to have a baby.

You're on maternity leave and have time to decide on your options. If he's an otherwise good partner (and I mean actually good, not the "he's a great partner and dad but..." that we see on here all the time), there's probably hope for the relationship. You'd be wise to get back to work at the end of maternity leave and keep your wits about you before you get dragged into being default parent for your child and his older child. He needs to do some growing up, stop drinking to excess and pull his weight.

If he's not a good partner (you're doing everything at home, no signs of meaningful change in behaviour, wants to keep you at home and financially dependent but maybe dressing it up as in your interests, not doing his share of parenting his children etc), spend your maternity leave working out what you want for your life with your child because leaving might be best.

@IggOrEgg

he doesn’t want me to go back to work yet because he wants to provide for us & for me to be able to be there with our son because he thinks it’s important. It was talked about before we had him that we could split maternity & I could go back to work sooner but he really didn’t want to do that (he’s quite a traditional thinker & believes the mum
should stay home & man should provide) I mean not that he’s been doing very good at the but anyways 😂🤦🏻‍♀️ sorry, I shouldn’t joke. I am terribly upset but I’m feeling a bit better after coming on here & talking to other people about it.

I mean I want to try make it work, but how long do I give him to prove he will change his habits… he’s stopped drinking since he’s told me. I’m just so scared he’s just going to fall back into it once we are “okay”

Are both the children yours? From.your post it reads as though you have a baby together and he has an older child (that isn't yours).

You picked up on him talking about this girl and you told him your worries that they might like each other. He cannot make an excuse of it just being a drunken kiss he left you home alone while he went out with her. I would be suspicious that there was more to the story if it was a one off kiss he could have not told you and kept his job.

@Nextbitoflife

I thought about maybe living apart for a while but I really don’t want his eldest son to have to go through that again… I don’t want him worrying about whether we are splitting up like his mum & dad did, because he’s at that age now that he asks questions about all them breaking up.

@SisterSabotage

no he had another baby at 15 with a girl in high school

Wait. So you have been together since you were both 17 and he already had a child? At 17?

@Louise303

i know & he has been reassuring me for weeks that he doesn’t like her. But I was more concerned I could tell she liked him (now I’m thinking he might have liked her a bit too because it wouldn’t have happened if he didn’t).

apparently when he got the facts from her the week after to clarify he told her he has to tell me & it’s not what he wanted to happen. And she said to him “you don’t have to tell her”. But he did tell me, he said he wouldn’t have been able to live with the guilt if he didn’t tell me.

The bigger issue is him drinking at work and come home drunk every day. Surely he’s spending more on alcohol than he’s making and there are other issues if he’s getting drunk every day. Bar staff aren’t usually drinking and falling over at work.

@SisterSabotage

yes, he had a baby at 15. We met at 16, strangely enough the day him & his ex split up & then by the time we both turned 17 we were together

It’s hard OP and our instincts are always to protect our children from the truth. But space and a good reality check now might save heartache all round in the future. A conversation with his eldest if they ask can be age appropriate honest - let them know grown up relationships can be hard but you are loved and we are doing our best. Good luck x

Hard disagree with living apart while you process it. That gets him out of helping with parenting your joint baby. It also gets him out of seeing the trauma he has caused. Couples who separate find it much harder to come back together afterwards. I would stay in the same house, and take your time to decide

There will be good days and bad days. Live hour by hour if you need to for the moment. Give yourself permission to grieve, to weep, to be angry with him. It may take many months for you to be firm in your mind whether to work things through or end it.

"he’s quite a traditional thinker & believes the mum
should stay home & man should provide"

Good god, wise up. He's a layabout. When your maternity leave is up you get back to work and let this waste of space try and keep up with you. Traditional thinker my arse, the lads a fucking chancer.

@EmailAddress

he would drink for free at work… as I said previously the girl he kissed was his supervisor (although younger) would let everyone drink. For free, just take what they want but be sneaky about it….

and that night they went out he definitely didn’t have the money for it but she & their other male colleague were buying him his drinks most the night. I think he only bought a couple.

"For free, just take what they want but be sneaky about it…."

So a thief and a liar. Stealing from
His employer, fucking hell. That'll look great on the CV while he's being all traditional and providing for all the women and children he collects along the way.