Partner kissed a colleague that I have been worried about

[NewMum383]

My partner & I have (both 24) recently had a baby boy, he is now 3 1/2 months old. We have been together for 7 1/2 years. My partner had to get an evening job at a bar to help support us which I am so appreciative of.
However, the is a colleague of his that he would talk about (she is 2 years younger, 22), at first I didn’t think much of it but then I became anxious about it & told him I was worried that this girl liked him/he may actually like her. He reassured me many times, I honestly felt crazy & I thought it was just postpartum hormones.
My partner would also always get drunk at work so he would come home really drunk, later than his shift ending or he would go out into town without telling me.
I found out this weekend just gone that when he decided to go out into town after work with this female colleague & another male colleague the weekend before, he ended up getting black out drunk & they kissed…
He waited a week until he was back on shift with her to speak to her about it & get the facts & then he told me the next day. He said he wanted all the facts before telling me.

He is extremely remorseful & said it was the biggest mistake of his life. I even messaged her to get more information which thankfully she actually maned up & gave me. He apparently said straight after “this is a mistake” & then came home not long after.
He has also quit that job, I didn’t ask him to, he wanted to because he can see it’s not good for him.

I know it was a mistake & I can tell how sorry he is however, I can’t help just thinking about how much I have sacrificed for him to bring our beautiful baby boy into the world, how he leaves me at home to look after our son & his older son to go get drunk after work.
I have been feeling so rubbish about myself as it is & I have told him that because my body has changed so much & then he goes & does this.
I really don’t know how I’m going to be able to get over it, I know it was only a kiss & it could have been worse, but I am absolutely heartbroken

Gee you have taken on a lot. How is he with his first child?

If he has been and attentive and responsible dad, I'd be quite assured by that.

Giving up the job without hesitation was a good.move but yes you are absolutely allowed to feel hurt, angry and anything else that comes your way.

I guess I'd worry that this guy has saddled himself with adult responsibilities very young in life and has some steam to blow off.

You need to decide if you are willing to trust him again and you are well within your rights to take your time while you work that out. No-one should be pressuring you to accept an apology.

@Farwell

yeah I get that… I wouldn’t want him not to be here for his son.

god it’s so bloody hard to decide what’s right to do…

Oh dear, lovely. It seems to get worse every time you post 😞 so now he’s a thief as well as a liar, a cheat and a problem drinker. He’s showing you exactly who he is and how little respect he has for you, not to mention your little family. As for the ‘traditional thinker’ line, well he’s not that traditional, given he’s got two babies, to two women, and he isn’t married to either of them. Only you know if you can move past this, or whether he’s even worth it, but honestly nothing you’re saying makes me think he’s worth it.. at all.

@SisterSabotage

hes a very loving dad when he’s with his kids. He spends extra time with him eldest when he’s here, all they do is play outside & play fight & play games etc. so he is an attentive dad, I’m not saying he’s not a good dad at all!! It’s the drinking that’s the issue & clearly the wandering mind at the moment.

I have also said something similar to him that is he having like a mid life crisis (but obviously not mid life because he so young haha) & he’s overwhelmed by all the change of a new baby etc. but then on the other hand I can have a bloody crisis & just go out & get pissed whenever I want to… because I’m expected to be home for our children.
I am going to go out tomorrow night for a drink with a friend though, I really really need it… & he can stay home with his 2 sons 😂

@IggOrEgg

aye… I realise the more I’m saying the worse it’s sounding 😓

huh… I just don’t know what to doooo. I think I need to sit down & speak to him again tonight. I was far too upset yesterday to have a proper adult conversation. But I’m feeling a bit more level headed today & especially after speaking to everyone on here. I think a conversation is due & I’m going to lay my cards on the table.

There's nothing wrong with being a traditional stay at home house wife (or husband!) but this itself comes with risks.

You have to trust your partner completely. You will be completely financially dependent on him, which may make you excuse behaviour you wouldn't normally because you have little choice. It's also not a good idea to do this unless you are married because that will at least offer you some sort of protection in the event of a split in the form of access to his pensions, as you will not have been able to build up your own.

I know it's not romantic to think that way, and again, who thinks of these things when they are 24? But honestly, the red flags are flying for a lot of people here because we have lived of experience of these kinds of situations. Kiss that happened by accident, addiction problems, teen parent drama, asking you not to work.... if I was your mum I would want more for you ☹️

No, I think it's far more likely that this girl (supervisor) threatened to tell you and he panicked. I also think he lost his job. Just cos he sent a message to work doesn't really prove anything...that could easily be a cover also.

Also, what bar allows (even slyly) bar workers free drinks? Stock is super controlled now and the Supervisor would be held responsible for the figures.

A lot of this just doesn't add up.

He shouldn’t be out drinking that much full stop- he’s ducking out of parenthood. If he stopped getting hammered he wouldn’t need the extra job to pay for it. It’s an excuse to carry on with a single life under the guise of helping the family out financially when it’s nothing of the sort. Time to review your whole relationship

It was a way of saying you are all over the place with your posts and come across as about 16, maybe you could do with a break from him

Another thing is you might not see it coming next time. You recognised the signs this time only because he didn't hide this woman because he didn't think he would cheat with her. So he will be more cautious going forward about mentioning other women in case it makes you paranoid, which would be understandable. He's on his best behaviour for now. But in time, when the shock passes, he's likely going to want to start going out again, thinking it won't happen again. But if his impulse control is that weak when drunk, there is no reason to think this won't happen again. Because this period in time, in your lives, is the time he should have been the MOST committed and faithful to you. Instead he got drunk and snogged another woman.

I think you should ask him to give up drinking.

hes a very loving dad when he’s with his kids. He spends extra time with him eldest when he’s here, all they do is play outside & play fight & play games etc. so he is an attentive dad, I’m not saying he’s not a good dad at all!!

Being good at the easy, fun bits isn't the same as being a brilliant dad.

@stars345

sorry can I rephrase that he only wants me at home for all my maternity because he wants me to enjoy being a mum. I mean he’s not done very well at that so far & enjoy being a mum wouldn’t be the phrase that comes to mind…
but I will be going back to work this year some time.

we are supposed to be getting married 😅 when I don’t know but he proposed to me a year ago so surely that means he does love me… haha.

@Terrribletwos

i don’t think she did threaten to tell me because she absolutely shat herself when I messaged her… I don’t think she expected to be called out. I have been very fair to her & only wanted answers which she has given me.
Honestly, he didn’t lose his job. He worked this weekend just gone a week after it happened & he quit this Sunday. His shifts have been taken off him & his boss text him back saying to say he understands & wishing him all the best.

as for the free drinking, it’s so poorly managed there isn’t a manager there at the moment so they can get away with it. My partner said that when a proper manager comes in & if they look at CCTV he guarantees everyone will be getting fired because they all drink. Especially her, she apparently takes little bits from everywhere so it’s not as noticeable on the wastage…

@stars345 access to his pensions? 🤣 this little fool couldn't hold down 12 hours in a bar without stealing from his employer, getting completely pissed every week and hitting on the fucking supervisor. He's had 9 years to get a job and provide for his eldest child, 9 fucking years. Instead, his biggest accolade is play fights when he comes to visit 🙄

Never mind telling her it's fine to be a "traditional stay at home house wife". There's every fucking thing wrong with it when she's saddled with this chancer. She's young enough to go out and make a properly decent life and income for herself.

He's trashed what should have been a special time for you all and he needs to really get that. I wouldn't be rushing to forgiveness but hey, that's me

Yes, like you said, he's not exactly made it enjoyable so far has he? His actions are far different from his words.
He asked you to marry him, a year ago, and has done nothing since. Again, actions over words.
He told you not to worry about this girl. Then cheated with her. His actions are telling you a different story aren't they?

@NewMum383 If he was otherwise a great guy and this was just one kiss which was totally out of character then I would have said (for the sake of the baby) to give it another go as long as he was clear there were no more chances. However, as a PP has said, it’s the fact his overall behaviour isn’t great. He doesn’t actually sound like a very good guy and he seems to have done a bit of a number on you with how you talk. He didn’t kiss this girl because you “planted the seed”, he did it because he wanted to. You knew deep down something wasn’t right, and I can guarantee ,given your gut feeling, that this wasn’t just an out the blue kiss. Him going out and getting drunk after work without telling you and other behaviours mentioned just sort of align with the type of guy who would do this to you whilst you’re home with his 3 month old baby AND helping with his other child that’s not yours. They say love is blind and it really is, and your situation here shows that. I doubt you are seriously considering ending things now with a 3 month old baby when you have put up with everything beforehand. So the only relevant advice I can give is to make sure you are not financially reliant on this man, when the baby is a bit older get yourself back to work. Even if you love him and want to stay with him no matter what he does, he could one day leave you…..

On top of everything else OP he's reduced your family's income at a crucial time where there is already financial pressure, to get off with a colleague (a superior actually) after getting blackout drunk.

He's made it harder for you to provide for your baby, for what? To kiss and feel up someone else?

The more I think about this the angrier I am on your behalf.

And him playing with his own kids isn't a redeeming feature, it's the bare minimum a parent should do and the absolute easiest part of parenting.

I'm really glad you've got RL support, that's important. However this is not good:

It was talked about before we had him that we could split maternity & I could go back to work sooner but he really didn’t want to do that (he’s quite a traditional thinker & believes the mum
should stay home & man should provide)

Come on, OP. He's not traditional at all - he had a DC when he was a schoolboy and has had another without marrying you and cheated when you had a newborn. Even if you stay together, please let this be the point where you realise he's an immature boy not a 'traditional thinker' and you should 1000% not defer to him on major decisions that affect your life and future. Many men are less mature than women their age and aren't ready to be dads until way into their 30s (or beyond). Yours is demonstrating immaturity over and over so you absolutely should not give into him like he's some authority figure when it comes to your career and parenting decisions. He's not traditional, but it sure suits him to have you in a traditional role at home while he pleases himself getting pissed and kissing a 22yo. Whatever else comes out of this, for heavens sake please take back your power and own your choices.

That is good hopefully you both move on and be happy now that he is not working there. Horrible woman wanting to get involved knowing you both had a new baby.

he’s quite a traditional thinker & believes the mum should stay home & man should provide

Traditional?

He's never been married but has got two kids by two women and he's 24.

Nothing wrong with not being married or having different parents but he's hardly fucking traditional!

What he actually means is that he wants to cherry pick the bits of traditions that make life easier for him.

And if he actually believed men should provide then he wouldn't have fucked up the job he had because your family needed the extra money, either by drinking on the job or getting off with a colleague / supervisor.

He wants you to do the slog of the parenting and him to do the bare minimum in general.

He's not traditional. He's a dickhead.

Do you know what it is awful what he has done. However given your circumstances with a baby and both being young, I wouldn’t split the relationship up. The way he has acted after the event shows he is remorseful. He found out the facts and told you and left the job on his own accord. He’s not been gaslighting you or you’ve not had to find out from a third party. He’s shown you that he’s made a terrible mistake but he will not lie to you. So I think you can trust him going forward.

@Daffodil18

he said it was only the past week he realised that I was right in my worries.
he said he feels like he’s been completely naive to it & clearly let this girl get too close to him to where they both felt enough of whatever to kiss each other.
its really bloody shitty & I wish he’d have just listened to me on the first place rather than tell him it’s just a narrative that I’ve made up in my head because I am already feeling insecure (mind you he didn’t say that once it happened between that & when he found out that he did really kiss her, because he knew I was right)

he will not lie to you. So I think you can trust him going forward.

Well, he did lie to her by repeatedly reassuring her about not liking this girl, making OP think she was going crazy from hormones, and then demonstrating that he did in fact like her by getting off with her. So yeah, he's a liar as well as a cheat. Don't let him come out of this the hero by having admitted his twattery.