Partner kissed a colleague that I have been worried about

[NewMum383]

My partner & I have (both 24) recently had a baby boy, he is now 3 1/2 months old. We have been together for 7 1/2 years. My partner had to get an evening job at a bar to help support us which I am so appreciative of.
However, the is a colleague of his that he would talk about (she is 2 years younger, 22), at first I didn’t think much of it but then I became anxious about it & told him I was worried that this girl liked him/he may actually like her. He reassured me many times, I honestly felt crazy & I thought it was just postpartum hormones.
My partner would also always get drunk at work so he would come home really drunk, later than his shift ending or he would go out into town without telling me.
I found out this weekend just gone that when he decided to go out into town after work with this female colleague & another male colleague the weekend before, he ended up getting black out drunk & they kissed…
He waited a week until he was back on shift with her to speak to her about it & get the facts & then he told me the next day. He said he wanted all the facts before telling me.

He is extremely remorseful & said it was the biggest mistake of his life. I even messaged her to get more information which thankfully she actually maned up & gave me. He apparently said straight after “this is a mistake” & then came home not long after.
He has also quit that job, I didn’t ask him to, he wanted to because he can see it’s not good for him.

I know it was a mistake & I can tell how sorry he is however, I can’t help just thinking about how much I have sacrificed for him to bring our beautiful baby boy into the world, how he leaves me at home to look after our son & his older son to go get drunk after work.
I have been feeling so rubbish about myself as it is & I have told him that because my body has changed so much & then he goes & does this.
I really don’t know how I’m going to be able to get over it, I know it was only a kiss & it could have been worse, but I am absolutely heartbroken

How utterly disrespectful. And at this time when you should be enjoying your baby.

He is being deceptive claiming it just happened. It did not. And there is an underlying reason he has chosen to bring this chaos and hurt into your life. The reason will be in his character and is nothing to do with you.

Statistically the chances of him doing this again is very high, and coupled with his drinking and taking you for granted I would end it here.

It will never be the same. He has made sure of that.

Not buying it.

Claiming that she "trapped him" is exactly characterising her as a gold digger. How can you use that disgusting turn of phrase without even understand what it means? Its appalling, and deeply misogynistic.

No, she didn't know what she was doing anymore than he did. They were children, essentially.

And yes, she has been left to raise the child alone just as you will be when he next cheats. Having extended family doesn't change that.

I had a lot of sympathy for your situation but the way you reference your stepson's mother is appalling and not reflecting well on you.

Maybe other people think you are a nutter for the way you have seemingly trapped this poor young man into another round of fatherhood when clearly he's incapable of being faithful? See how situations can be reframed?

Just came on here to say I would ignore @SisterSabotage about the stepson’s mother thing - some of them are actual nutters just like some dads are actually shit, just because you had a child with a man and split up doesn’t make you automatically some sort of hard done by saint who should never be called out on problematic behaviour 😂

@SisterSabotage

quite frankly, I think you’re getting mean now & there is no need.
You don’t know my full life really or the people in it. She isn’t a gold digger but she wanted to KEEP him when he wanted to leave thus he keeping the baby.

How dare you say I trapped him too… that is so hurtful. Again you don’t know my life, this was a planned baby, a mutual want. How dare you say things like that.

Sticking by that women can also be the bad guy on break ups/relationships too, not just men. You wouldn’t be saying this stuff if I said my ex boyfriend was a bitter because he tried to trap me would you, you’d be straight on the hate bandwagon. Not all women are saints, same as men.

Oh dear, I hate to say it but I think this sounds like a man who's not that happy with life - and trying to do the right thing for you and his child. But he's 24, he's been a parent/had responsibilities since he was 15 and never experienced any of the freedom and fun his colleagues at the bar did. So I don't think he did want to cheat or finds her more attractive, it was just the novelty, wanting to feel like free I guess.

The trouble is I don't think these feelings will go away. He can behave himself and never kiss another woman for some time but if at 24 he's doing this, it will likely be worse at 34 when the kids are grown up. He'll get more restless and more unhappy. Kids don't make people more mature sadly, and don't confuse guilt with desire. He might not cheat because he doesn't want to feel guilty but it doesn't mean he's happy with his life. I think that's why he doesn't want you back at work, as he has the excuse to be away from home more claiming he's supporting his family. Rather than admitting he likes being away...

So what you should do is go back to work and start carving out a life for yourself where he isn't your whole world. Why should he get to have all the fun and nights out - you do too. Raising a baby is hard work, just because it's not paid doesn't mean you don't need a break! Don't become so dependent on him financially and emotionally that in 5 years time he knows he can do this again, and you'll forgive him because you're trapped. Find your own independence.

Kissing a woman at work whilst drunk? He sounds too young to settle down and ultimately probably won’t stay with you, sorry.

This thread has reminded me how common it is for women to be weaponised by men and become vessels for their partners vitriol towards any “inconvenient” women in their lives.

@CherryBlossom321

he absolutely had not weaponised me 😂
why can’t women be the bad guy? Women aren’t always the victim.

I was there when social services had to come round because she had accused him of neglecting his son in many ways (all untrue), the lady that came round said there was clearly no maltreatment.

I was there when the police called & asked him to go to the police station because she accused him of hitting her… which he has never done & the time she accused him of doing this he was at work & could prove that. He went in a guilty man & the police officer walked us back to the car saying he is clearly a good man & it wouldn’t be going any further because it was clearly untrue. I even got questioned after as she had said he beats me… very untrue.

I was there when she left her son to move to move to her then partners in another city but claimed she’d been kicked out of her mums, she hadn’t. This was conveniently around the time we had just moved out together.

I was also there when his son had to come live with him full time for a little while because he was eating cereal off the floor by himself in a soiled nappy because she wasn’t taking care of him…

women can’t always be the victim. And I can also have my own opinions, especially since I have been through it all with my partner. I think she’s a toxic person, or at least WAS a toxic person. As I’ve said previously, despite everything she has tried to do to my partner & us, we have always stayed on good terms for their son….

@NewMum383 I think the situation with his ex when he was 15 is irrelevant really so don’t get side tracked with people bringing that up. This is about you and your relationship. With a 3 month old baby and reading your posts it’s clear you are not going to be leaving him over this, especially with how much you are defending him. But I do think you need to wise up a bit. You now know he lies and you know he can’t be trusted. So act accordingly. Get yourself back into work as soon as you can. Have your own life, money etc. With every case of cheating there is ALWAYS more to it than they tell you. It’s human nature to downplay something they have done wrong. He waited a week to tell you? Well he wasn’t instantly remorseful then was he? He waited to get his story straight before telling you. Him repeatedly going out and getting drunk after work without telling you whilst you have a 3 month baby is not what a decent man does. A decent guy who is in a relationship and who has just had a baby also doesn’t go kissing their work colleagues on a night out. I’m not saying you can’t work this out but you do come across a bit naive considering you are massively defending a man who doesn’t seem to respect you very much.

@Datingahhhhhhhh

I am aware I need to wise up & I am not going to accept the disrespect anymore. I’ve made that very clear to him that if he reverts back to his old behaviour then that’ll be it, I’ll be gone.
I actually don’t think there was much more to it other than he might have not seen that what I was saying was really true.

He said he wanted to whole facts before telling me because if he’d have told me he thought they had kissed & then it turns out they didnt then I wouldn’t have believed him because I have already been feeling anxious about it. Which to be fair, he is right. I don’t think I’d have believed him if he told me he thought they had but then said they hadn’t.

The drinking is the main issue which he’s recognised & says he will change his actions.

So we will see really.. only time will tell

@Datingahhhhhhhh

I’m also defending him because I love him & I think some of the things people are saying about him are a bit harsh. Obviously it’s a weird tone to defend him because he has hurt me & been an absolute tw*t.. but feelings don’t change over night so it’s a bit of an odd one 😂

I wish you all the best. I hope you you’re able to make good decisions now for the sake of your future, and that of your child. And most of all, that you value yourself going forward.

@NewMum383 yes that’s understandable you still love him. And if you want to try and work it out that’s also understandable. But I do think your judgement is a little clouded because you love him. Unfortunately some people try and get away with what they can, and if someone’s a bit of a walk over people do usually walk over them. Do you really deep down believe that he “wasn’t sure” they had kissed and wanted the full facts before telling you? It’s that sort of jackanory that most people I know would laugh at, yet you believe it? It’s know it’s hard to think logically though when emotions are involved. I genuinely hope he learns his lesson and he steps up now but he also needs to know you are nobody’s fool.

@Datingahhhhhhhh

one of the things I said to him was that if he had any sort of memory it happened then it clearly happened because why would he just randomly think it happened.
he said he doesn’t actually remember the kiss but remembers her face being really close to his & that’s it. he felt like knowing 100% & then owning up was the only way he knew we might stand a chance because as I said if he’d have said they might have but then changed his mind I probably wouldn’t have believed him but then if he kept it from me & I found out later down the line that would have been it too.
idk, it’s rubbish either way. But I guess if I want to try make it work I need to give him the benefit of the doubt.
I will however, not be allowing him to treat me like a fool anymore & the slightest hint of disrespect, I’ll be getting myself gone

he said he doesn’t actually remember the kiss but remembers her face being really close to his & that’s it

Op if he’s not going to be honest there’s really no point continuing to talk about it. You know he wasn’t blackout drunk and you know there was a reason you felt uncomfortable about them.

Be careful you don’t give him more attention because of this shit.

Classic red flag

• talking about another female more *staying later after work hours *making more effort with their appearance *hiding messages/deleting More went on between them of he knows most of her business from a part time job , open your eyes, he has softened the blow with the kiss confession and told her to not tell you the full story" if you message due to you being postnatal, He gave up his job to cover his tracks, you make excuses for him he has everything to excuse his behaviour in your attitude, blaming a young girl for her actions as a teen on her soley, you love this guy and have the blinkers on.