Partner kissed a colleague that I have been worried about

[NewMum383]

My partner & I have (both 24) recently had a baby boy, he is now 3 1/2 months old. We have been together for 7 1/2 years. My partner had to get an evening job at a bar to help support us which I am so appreciative of.
However, the is a colleague of his that he would talk about (she is 2 years younger, 22), at first I didn’t think much of it but then I became anxious about it & told him I was worried that this girl liked him/he may actually like her. He reassured me many times, I honestly felt crazy & I thought it was just postpartum hormones.
My partner would also always get drunk at work so he would come home really drunk, later than his shift ending or he would go out into town without telling me.
I found out this weekend just gone that when he decided to go out into town after work with this female colleague & another male colleague the weekend before, he ended up getting black out drunk & they kissed…
He waited a week until he was back on shift with her to speak to her about it & get the facts & then he told me the next day. He said he wanted all the facts before telling me.

He is extremely remorseful & said it was the biggest mistake of his life. I even messaged her to get more information which thankfully she actually maned up & gave me. He apparently said straight after “this is a mistake” & then came home not long after.
He has also quit that job, I didn’t ask him to, he wanted to because he can see it’s not good for him.

I know it was a mistake & I can tell how sorry he is however, I can’t help just thinking about how much I have sacrificed for him to bring our beautiful baby boy into the world, how he leaves me at home to look after our son & his older son to go get drunk after work.
I have been feeling so rubbish about myself as it is & I have told him that because my body has changed so much & then he goes & does this.
I really don’t know how I’m going to be able to get over it, I know it was only a kiss & it could have been worse, but I am absolutely heartbroken

@MsCactus

I know it sounds absolutely bonkers that she would say that. But it is the complete truth, she completely broke down to him when we went to pick their son up. Their son was eating cereal off the floor & in an extremely dirty nappy & she was coming down off some sort of substance.
She admitted to him that she never wanted to have a baby but her mum told her to “trap” him. Now whether she was just lying about that we will never know because she has lied about a lot in the past… but that’s the truth, it’s what she said.

A drunken kiss is very different to a drunken kiss with someone you'd expressed concerns about.

His behaviour already had you worried about this person and their relationship at work.

I wonder if it was more than a kiss.

@marshartist

Cutting back on his drinking is one of my conditions which is said he is willing to do. Leaving his bar job is also going to take the temptation of drinking away so hopefully he’s able to stick to it

@SisterSabotage

no one characterised her as a gold digger & she did trick him into it in a way. I know everyone wants to demonise men when it comes to stuff like this but although he SHOULD have used to a condom & that’s his stupid fault, she did trick him into a false sense of security. as a child himself, of course he believed her.

she was not left to care for their baby, they raised him for a year together in his family’s home & when they split up it everyone was still involved in raising him & still are to this day.

as I’ve said before, she is a nutter & she has lied & done stupid things in the past (women are capable of doing that too), but we have all made an effort to move past those things & everyone is on good terms & their son is raised happily across both our households

I think after you explaining how you have been feeling postpartum and his knowledge of this to then go a week without telling you knowing you would message the girl he had time to get his story straight and to water his actions down, message her again and say that he thinks more happened but can't be sure , don't tell him your plan , if you go ahead with it , do you share passwords, I would rather know everything if it was me, ues he may regret his actions , been through similar myself and had to further investigate to get to the truth, girls lie for lads it happened to, not saying its the same for you but I would double check :).

Hi, I know you are worried right now and your worry is normal considering the circumstances. When there is infidelity or a lack of loyalty in a relationship it is a reasonable response to question your relationship and question key aspects of your relationship such as trust. It will take time to overcome the feelings of betrayal you feel and the anger and resentment that may build up due to the events that have occurred. It is important for you to express these feelings to your partner in a healthy way explaining your fears and what you need in order to help you move forward in your relationship. It is positive that he has taken steps to alleviate some of your worries such as leaving his job and you have identified that he is remorseful which is a step in the right direction in terms of him acknowledging his mistake and trying to show that he is sorry. There is no quick fix for this situation as healing takes time however I implore you to reach out to someone who you trust to talk to and share your concerns, as well as keeping the channels of communication open with your partner to help you move forward at this time. Xx

it isnt the kissing someone else or stealing alcohol from work that i think are the main issues, it is how he decided to go out and get blind drunk and not tell you he wasn't coming home after work to PUNISH you for going out the night before.

that’s the main issue.

then the cheating.

@NewMum383
OP "work sooner but he really didn’t want to do that (he’s quite a traditional thinker & believes the mum
should stay home & man should provide)."

If he's so traditional why didn't he marry you first?

You minimise his behaviour, it was the drink that made him cheat, his ex got pregnant on purpose.

It's fine if you stay just own your behaviour.

@Emptyheadlock

I know, this is what made it hurt a little bit more. But he is adamant there was nothing more going on, not on his part anyway.

I was more worried that SHE liked him, I could tell by the way he’d tell me that she had opened up about her troubled past etc & stuff like this. I just knew she liked him.
I do genuinely think he saw her as just a friend or maybe had slightly feelings but saw theses as friend feelings.

The only reason I was worried was because he’d talk about her a bit more than I was comfortable with really. He was adamant we would get on me & this girl. Obviously I wouldn’t be getting on with her now 😂🤦🏻‍♀️

I really don’t think it was more than a kiss as this girl told me he said “this is a mistake” straight after & left shortly after too

Saying sorry isn't enough, making reparations forms part of a genuine apology and it looks like that's what he is doing.

He has confessed, quit his job and wants to rebuild trust.

I'd be willing to work with that.

@Devonshirerexx

i have full access to his phone & visa versa.
there was no shady business between them over text.
the only time they texted was when my partner would text down to her at work to say he needed the loo & she wouldn’t even reply half the time… so as much as my mind races over thoughts at the moment wondering why, I am fairly sure there wasn’t more to it.

Oh my gosh, girl run ... a man that kisses another woman months after his wife had his baby is the most disgusting and disrespectful thing in the world, the fact that you feel down with your body after having a baby and instead of this "thing" you call a man went to kiss another one instead of making you feel the best and the only woman of his life? And lying to go drink after work? And the fact that you even think you might have some blame for putting ideas on his head is just so sad, girl, you didn't do anything wrong, he doesn't deserve you, he has a bad character, a liar, and a cheater. You deserve better, a man that won't lye to you or disrespect you after having his child. Love yourself and don't accept that kind of life.

I wouldn't listen to the others

This may well be salvageable. Set boundaries. Make time for each other to do nice things. Yes its a real shock but he has admitted to it, quit his job, wants to change. It's your babys dad I think you should still work on this. Best of luck.

Everyone telling you to run?! They are just putting their bad experiences on you. Don't be influenced.

There is still a good chance you can move forward from this.

I agree with this.
You are three months into having a new baby and it is not the time to make big decisions. You are very vulnerable and your partner should not have let you down in this way. And he really, really needs to own this and do better.
You will have a better idea in 6-12 months how things are going. There are big challenges in the return to work for you with organising childcare and so on. You will need to have a routine in place where you trust each other and he is reliable.
I do think there might be merit in you exploring a return to work earlier to remove some financial pressure, but also so that he gets a sense of what it is like to be the responsible parent so you have more equality when you go back to work.
It sounds like you two are talking a lot and your partner is being open and you are expressing your hurt and anger, and he is accepting he has acted badly here.

TBH I couldn't get past this. I know I'd never get past the hurt especially that he did it when I was home minding a small baby.

People can make mistakes when they're young that they wouldn't make when they're older, and a pp said that at 24 and with it being a drunken kiss she probably wouldn't throw it away, but I think at 24 that things can sometimes hurt more and affect a relationship more than they would if the couple were older.

I could forgive but I wouldn't forget, and not being able to forget is what causes the ongoing pain I think

I mean I want to try make it work, but how long do I give him to prove he will change his habits… he’s stopped drinking since he’s told me. I’m just so scared he’s just going to fall back into it once we are “okay”

He's 24 so that's pretty likely. You could end up in a situation where he wants to drink more or go away on a weekend or to a stags etc and you're paranoid it will happen again and then you're the bad guy for bringing it up.

You sound like you want to give it a chance, so I agree with @CharlotteMakepeace to set a time in your mind to see how he behaves/how it goes.

You don't come across well here calling other women 'nutters'.

What is a 'nutter' exactly? Someone with mental health issues? A personality disorder? Maybe substance abuse issues which make mental health issues worse?

If her mother told her to get pregnant at 15 then she must have had a fucked up family and wouldn't have had much of a chance!

Yeah, a child with a toxic mother is not a nutter.

@kkloo

maybe nutter wasn’t the right word, but it was used in a more lighthearted jokey way.

I didn’t say anything about mental health or substance issues either so please don’t put words in my mouth.

I understand my partners ex had a toxic mother, but doesn’t mean she isn’t a toxic person herself too. You don’t know her, I do, let’s leave that there

I didn't put words in your mouth, I asked you questions.

You mentioned she was coming down off a substance and made several comments about her being a 'nutter'. It's not really lighthearted or jokey, it's offensive. 'Nutters' tend to have something going on.

@kkloo

right okay, yes maybe so. But so do we all don’t we? Everyone has something going on.
how you treat other people however, I think is telling, and she is a toxic person. Nutter maybe the wrong word, if that offends you I do apologise but that was no attack on anyone with mental health issues or any other sort of issue at all, especially considering I myself struggle with my own mental health.

I'm a great believer in virtue ethics, it's not necessarily the action but the motivation behind it and action afterwards that counts.

He is remorseful, he found out the facts, he told you without prompting, he quit his job, he gave you her contact details.

He made an incredibly terrible decision, but he is taking responsibility and doing everything he can to fix it.

Those are the reasons why I would stay in your situation and why there is a good chance you can get over this a build a strong family unit and trust again.

The minute he doesn't show remorse, or if he does it again that's the time to question his sincerity and kick him to the kerb.

I'm sorry your going through this with your partner.

Its horrible and will make you very insecure and not have full trust in the relationships.

You can go about it 2 ways

1. Letting it go, no matter how painful, and giving him a second chance. There are no excuses for infidelity.

This will be difficult and will take time, good communication and trust to repair the damage.

2. Not letting it go. You may find in a few years you can't let it go and there no trust. He may do it again.

This is not your fault.

Just make sure you have support from family and friends. That you are financial secure too.

I do believe it was a genuine mistake. I mean how you can call it a mistake or “it just happened” I will never know. That’s the part that I just don’t get, how it just happened

It didn’t just happen. A lot happens before a kiss. There’s mutual attraction. Fun conversations. Flirting. Standing that bit closer. You knew something was off between them.

Where did this kiss happen? Because if it happened somewhere private I can guarantee it was much more than a kiss.

Im afraid I’m not in the camp of seeing his confession as a positive thing. Many cheaters ( some subconsciously ) want out and I would consider this a possibility.

@Orio2023

i know, I’ve asked all these questions & told him that there must have been even a smidge of attraction there or it wouldn’t have happened.

it happened in a local bar, with lots of people. People we know as well… so unsure if anyone we know saw. I really hope not… 😓